First my fingers go numb and I can't feel my lips
So I drink your presence like I drink cheap tequila
Rough at first
But after a couple sips, smooth as water
You touch me but my body is without sensation
Something different is pumping through my veins
And Novacane blocks any feeling
From the pain that comes as you cut me open
My blood drains but I don't sense it
Ignorance is bliss, they used to tell me
That is until you're facedown in a pillow
With the life escaping one strained breath at a time
My teeth clench and my knees lock
I can't help it but tomorrow I'll feel it
If tomorrow comes
Songs about feeling high in love
I don't want that
What happens when you're too high
To notice the person in front of you
Is the one pushing your face down
The Devil Incarnate?
Naiveté suits you, Honey
And so does misery

Deep lines, silky skin and unforgiving wrinkles
Silver hairs and vacant, jaded eyes
An empty smile, detached from authentic emotion
“Take care of yourself” you always said.
Take care of yourself, Grandma.

Incomprehensible words and disorientation
Terrorized by the slightest movement
Withdrawn from conversation
And difficulty recognizing relationships
It’s me, Grandma, it’s me.

You sit beside me, eyes wide and body alert
You’re right here but the distance is undeniable
Look into my eyes, don’t you remember?
These are your eyes, the ones you gave to Mama,
The ones she gave to me.

Emptiness behind those chestnut eyes
You abandoned me here, while I stare into them
Your body present but your mind absent
A separation of the soul and the being
I can’t let you go, Grandma, you’re right beside me.

But you aren’t my grandma, are you?
No--You are unaware of who I am
And I don’t know who you are.

Dementia, dementia, disappear.
Bring me back my grandma.

You tell me I'm cute, my innocence is intriguing
Wait don't dress like that, be classy
Because dancing like this
Or sitting like that makes me ******.
If I wear too short of a skirt, I'm a ****
If I kiss a couple boys, I'm *****
Yet nobody bats an eye
When he gropes a few too many girls
And when I reject his uninvited advances,
I'm just some *****
He says, "Come on, let's just take a shot," and then,
"I think you drink too much"
He's a player but I'm worse because I'm a tease
If I turn him down I'm insensitive
But when he screws me over he's just being a guy.
I say don't touch me, get off me
But his grip gets tighter and his eyes glaze over
He spills a beer, he breaks a bottle
He's wasted out of his mind
But you say I'm out of control
I'm too wild; the party girl isn't a good girl
As if I want to be
I'm not a bad person for wanting to have fun
Just don't have too much fun,
People start to judge you when you have a good time
Ask me if it's worth it but I don't care what they think
I guess you can't be both sweet and ****
Who's gonna want a crazy party girl, anyway?
They want a lady, at least until the sun sets
Well I'm no lady, I'm not cute and I'm not innocent
I'm the ******* devil, haven't you heard?

do you remember when you left my bed
for the last time that dark december night?
you were angry and i was cold
i couldn't give you exactly what you wanted--
your desire, a warm invitation into a life i didn't know i'd want
but now as i see you through tinted windows at red light intersections
and i catch our friends saying your name in hushed tones
i find myself face to face with you in my midnight thoughts
wondering what i'm missing from our past life together
slow kisses, warm embraces, soft smiles
the way you held my hand as you drove your car
the way you grabbed my neck and pulled me closer
the way you wiped away these incessant tears
all the things that kept me close to you
but i can't forget the things that pushed me away
echoing arguments, unrealistic expectations, alcohol-dependent nights
the way your irreverent temper slashed my autonomy
the way you despised sobriety but only around me
the way that I was never enough
do you miss me like i miss you,
or do you hate me like i hate you?

I pray you won't like your first sip of alcohol,
That it burns your throat and swells your eyes.
I pray it makes you gag and that you hate it
Because maybe if it's painful,
You won't use it to ease pain.
Maybe if it makes you cringe,
You won't use it to numb your mind.

I pray you won't develop a relationship with tequila,
That's stronger than your bonds with friends.
I pray you'll stop drinking when your head buzzes,
That you won't let your guard down
Because maybe you won't go home with random men
Who will do nothing for you
Except pour drinks down your throat.

I pray men don't take advantage of you,
That you won't black out on Monday nights
And wake up in strangers' beds.
I pray you won't shrug it off like it's nothing,
Because it's not.
I pray you won't fill voids with liquor
Because maybe then you'll start to feel complete.

Legs crossed and face blank
Body trembling but vacant eyes
What happened to you Mr. Frank?
I'll reassemble you today
Cold hands and delayed breaths
Limp arms and a crooked neck
I saw the life leave your eyes
I saw your body give you up
I saw your soul debate departure
And here you lay
Continuing the fight
Mr. Frank, you are stronger than you think
Your body has plans even if your mind doesn't
She left you in a harrowing disarray
But if you leave me who will hold my hand
As I swallow another sip of Belvedere
And who will reassemble me tomorrow?