When she all alone in here room
She cry's
When all you got are these four walls
Not so hard feel so small
How come no one stopped her
When she said
Mabe I'm better of dead

Now here I am wishing
I got there in time
To stop you
But here I am
With gun in hand
Wondering if it will be enough
Stop voices in my head

The worst thing,
most insidious thing
about trauma
is that
it doesn’t matter what anyone does,
in the end,
everything is,
(must be, has to be)
your fault.

Trauma is
a voice:
you should have known,
you should have done more,
you should have stood up for yourself,
what is wrong with you,
do you want to be miserable,
why did you trust,
don’t you ever learn?

Trauma is
you watching you
watching what you do,
watching what you don’t do,
watching it all go by.

Trauma is
a voice:
do something
do something
do something.

Trauma is
screaming at a pre-taped football game,
expecting a different outcome.

Trauma is
begging the fictional character to not open the door
when there is clearly a killer waiting.

Trauma is
the hole you keep finding yourself in,
whether or not you see it,
maybe you fall in,
maybe you dive in,
it doesn’t make a difference.

Trauma is
painful -
repeated openings of the same wounds,
hitting a bruise again, again, again,
watching the colors change -
but mostly,
it’s an embarrassment.

Trauma is
a voice:
This is fine.
You can’t tell.
This is fine.
You can’t tell.
This is fine.
You can’t tell.

Trauma is
your best kept secret.

Trauma is
the kind of ****** up
that can’t be named,
can’t be explained.

Trauma is
the kind of ****** up
that is too deep to be fixed.

Trauma is
who you are.

I once was in a place I loved
but left. Let me tell you why.

Friend, I won't give you any of this ****
about vision quests or fields to plow.

I just ran out of patience and time.
And reasons for staying. Anyhow.

That beautiful ghost of a woman
of mine said I don't love you, BOO.
And I was gone. So long.

My heart froze solid
like the cold ground I sleep on.

I want to tell you of a great friend of mine
We use to be togeather all the time
We were soul connected hard to define
And something even harder to find
We both battled depression in it was one of the ties that bind

One day I told him I just couldn't go on
He told me I'll be your diamond you can lean upon
Because he knew rocks cracked so he would be the strongest that he could
And the love we shared we both understood

He called me up one afternoon and said, this might be the day
I replied hold on I'm already on my way
We just sit there in silence in his darkened room
He said you can't fix me, in his voice I heard that doom
I said I know that dear
That's not why I am here
I'm here to sit beside you
Till this patch of darkness you get through

A bullet he would of took for me and I for him
We loved each other to the brim
Friends forever him and I would always be
For there was no other friendship like ours through out the centuries

One day he could hold on no longer in the darkness and the pain
He never called me, he just stood in front of that **** train

He left a note just for me, I'm sorry *** your diamond finally cracked
And there's no turning back
But please forgive me and promise me to be strong
And instead of dying for me you must live on

So I silently promised him I'd do the best I could
Because I knew what he ment he had to go, I truly understood
I didn't know how I'd ever live without him but every day I'd try
And at least once a day I still break down and cry

It's been a few years now but I'll never get over the loss of my soul connected friend
But I count my self lucky I still get a glips of him in his son's face when he gets that crooked grin

You love me. You don't. You care. I think. Ignore me. Love me. Confuse me. Ignore me. Confess your love. Make me smile. Take it away. Sleep with someone else. Make love to me. Let me cuddle you. You choose me. Ignore me. Cook you dinner. This is nice. You're nice. Ignore me. Rip me apart. You miss me. Walls come down. "I feel hurt". Ignore me. Begging again. Take me back. One night. It's not over. It's over. My reaction. His reply. "This is why." Ignore me. Soul cries. Love me.

you looked at me today
Oh how my eyes I want to hide
I try to turn away
but never see the same
my heart pounding to the sound of your name

Your laugh adorable
When you speak
nothing else matters but you
Your eyes so blue
As the ocean and sky
May your deepest secrets hide

Do you even like me?
I want to know the truth

I want to know if my feelings are real
Or should i just continue to feel

I like you for you
Your not afraid to show the real you
You speak with great manner
So why i feel this way?

I dont know
I know i dont want to be in this alone.