They gave me a choice
I could live and breathe
But only on their terms
Or I lived on my knees
And I got to live for a moment
Loved but never free
Until a frightful day
When they were the cause of my screams
And the Gods sent you to me

You lifted me up
You filled me in
You took my hand
And let our lives begin
You gave me hope
You sent me peace
You helped me stand
To live a life off my knees
You brought me home

And so we ran
As far as we could go
We were in our own world
And no one had to know
We were happy and so free
Shielding me from the harm
Kisses so sweetly
And when you wrapped me in your arms
You whispered tenderly

You lifted me up
You filled me in
You took my hand
And let our lives begin
You gave me hope
You sent me peace
You helped me stand
To live a life off my knees
You brought me home

Here we stand
In a loving embrace
I know I am home
When you caress my face
Your arms are as strong
As an angels' wings
Feels so right it should be wrong
And it makes me want to sing
About what you have done for me
You brought me home and now I am free

Dreams are like the reality of your imagination
Your mind's one of a kind creation
They give you light when your in the dark
They sing to you the songs of a lark
Yet, what if oneday your dreams could become true
A fantasy you could actually live through
It could be of love, friendship, or your goal in life
Maybe you want to become a star over night
Well, there was a reason that dreams are sent
Never let anyone tell you different
You can be anything you want to be
Because no one can take away the dreams of a teen

I came home, collapsed on the floor, and let it all pour out.
Every heartache and headache
Every bad dream and scream
Every punch, every slap
Every time I said "I want you back"
I cry and cry for happiness and joy
For my brother's new baby boy
Then, your voice sounds in my mind
"Never cry for me, My Dear
As long as you love me, I'll always be near."

When someone you love dies,
It *****.
You lay awake at night, tying to process it.
Then, when you sleep, you either dream it never happened,
And get slapped in the face with it all over again in the morning;
Or you have nightmares of watching their soul seep away over their last few days,
And wake up in the dead of night,
With your heart thundering and tears in your eyes.

When the alarm goes off you have to take deep breaths and force yourself out of bed because,
Well, ****.
There's this gaping whole in your chest that constantly aches.
You use makeup to cover the dark circles and plaster a smile on your face because,
Guess what?
School doesn't just stop because your heart has.

Classes drag by, but they're a distraction.
But then the hours between are spent in empty bathrooms
With music turned up to muffle the insistent sobbing that comes when you find yourself alone again.
You'll stare at the blank walls,
Tv playing on in the background,
But your mind is empty and whirring at the same time.

This process repeats and repeats and repeats until,
Somehow, you manage to smile again without thinking of their face
And laugh without it turning to sobs
And the ache dulls down little by little.

So I just keep thinking,
Cry now because one day I'll be able to think of you and smile again.
It may feel like my whole world is gone
And the universe is continuously spinning around me,
But one day I'll catch back up to it.

Unfortunately,
Today isn't that day.

Choking on my breath
Drowning in the shockwaves of the difibulator pressed to my chest
At rest with no rest
My physical form of matter will sleep for eternity
While my spirit is trapped
Trapped choking on that last breath
Where I tried to say everything but nothing at all
"I'm sorry
I love you
Forgive me
Don't let me go"

I am now so still
My dark skin so ashy white
I can hear your heart breaking
And see the silent river flowing from your eyes
But I thank you for this experience
For showing me how it feels to be loved and be in love
For the time I ran when you broke me down
How you searched every corner of our little towne
Your love is one I'll never forget
Your smile one I will never lose
So, as I'm taken from your arms
I pray you will know
I can always find you
Because you've taught me where broken hearts go

Your eyes an ocean i could forever swim
Their stare so hypnotizing i always give in
A laugh so beautiful it makes me cry
It sings the song of how you lighten my sky
That very first dance made me shine like a light
It made me feel like we were in our own night
I see you for who you are
Because your true beauty shines like a star
For the rest of days you'll stay in my heart
Where no one can ever rip it apart

I feel my heart slowly crumbling
Does it still beat or does that fail too?
Has the warmth it once held finally turned as cold as my being?
Has it finally given up on my like everything elsein life?
Down, I feel my mind tumbling
Words fall upon my ears as it breaks
"You never meant anything to me"
"You have always just been a pawn in my game"
The world is falling in on me
I wonder
Should I stay?
Or should i go?
The answer, nobody seems to know
I feel the bruises you  left on my soul
Did you know you caused the scars across my wrist?
The bruises spread out over my swollen fist?
Of course you do, and you are so proud.
Now the pills I will swollow down
Before I go, I'll sit here and write
Desperately, my tears I will hide
Clawing at the surface, while inside I die
And slowly fall asleep as my eyes try not to cry

A voice echos through the trees
It makes me feel weak in the knees
All the hate is clear in my mind
When I'm alone I can finally cry
"I hate you! You worthless! You just waste the air!"
I can't believe I thought you cared
As I curl up under the night sky
I hold the blade to my wrist and let out one more saddened sigh
First pressure, then pain, then ecstasy
I know this is the only way to finally be free
As the darkness closes in, I see their faces
The ones that had held me together through the ages
Their voices echo through my mind
"I, I want to to save you. Want to save your heart tonight"
I know you tried, but you can't always be right
Thank you for everything, but no one can save me tonight

The sun is bright
But the sky is dark
The birds are chirping
Yet I don't hear a single lark
You stand beside me
Yet you're so far away
Your lips form words
Yet I can't hear what you say
I reach out my hand
Your touch I crave
Yet I only hit glass
No matter what I do, it won't break
Now the tears stream
A river falls from our eyes
My reality has been broken
Now I know you never, truly, silenced my cries
After all these years
Of living a lie
My life is shattered
And I finally realize
In my dreams, I was with you
But, in reality, I have died

Will you hold my hand as I cry out your name
Or walk away with your head held in shame
I found your love to be my drug
That kills my body as it shoots through my veins
Through my veins to my heart
From my heart to my brain
Until I am completely yours; consumed by your game
Swallowed up by your words
Memorized by your touch
God, I could never get enough
But, now that your love has withered me
And I am just a dried up husk
You've taken to the world alone
And left me in your dust

Sprawled across the maroon waters
Your hair tumbles like the sea foam green waves on the shore
Your chest rises slightly as my head lies on your heart
Boom! Boom! Boom!  It flutters like the wings of a hummingbird that joyfully zooms to and fro
What of the small smile on your face?
So bright yet timid that the buds of a spring flower envy you
My arms encircle your slight frame
They slide into place like a puzzle piece
A sign from the courts you are truly for me

Splash! A tear falls into the puddle of others that have fallen
I can feel your heart beat, so broken
Do you feel the beat of mine that broke for you?
I know you don’t hear it
Sense it
Feel it
I stand with you in the storm
It reflects the pain inside of me as you cry over another
Always second in your life, but always here
The pain will fade
Another will come
You’ll smile and tell me you’re in love
I’ll return your smile while inside I cry until you break again and I blow up
But, here I stay
For, I cannot find the strength to run away

Here we lay
Limbs entangled like that of a tree
Our fingers laced tighter than my DC’s
Your pink lips the envy of a newly opened rose hover gracefully over mine
Your eyes that are bright as a star lead to your soul
Did you know they turn from green to grey in the winter?
You may not like it, but they are gorgeous
Two lonely weeks from the anniversary of the day we met
Here we stay in each other’s arms
After a long, dark-filled wait
All it took was a simple phrase
A smile spreads across my face
And we seal our dreams with a soft kiss as our hands lace

If you be Mercedes, I'll be Benz
If you be best, I'll be friends
If you are cloud, I'll be nine
And if I am forever, you must be mine
The words are a phrase
The lines a rhyme
The paper is us
The pencil is time
As long as the pencil does not break
The memories of us will never fade
So, as this pencil grows weak, all I'll ask to say
Is if you forget me tomorrow, remember me today

Dancing the dance of the dead
The  [un]dead scream for my hand to pull them out, to pull me in
I never know the difference
Your name is on my lips: pale and hushed
I hunger for your kiss: long and rushed
The whisper of the loud world plays in me ears; through my ears, behind my eyes
Behind my dull, brown eyes
My dull eyes you seem to love that are bright to my ashen skin
I look to the mirror
The cracked mirror that mirrors my cracked heart
This girl I see, this beast, is no longer human
I am the [un]dead, dead again
In a broken body held together by your arms
So strong.
Yet, no one can mend the cracks

Have you ever had a feeling you can't explain?
Lost and alone
In love and in pain
When you want to cry and scream and punch things until your knuckles become a ******, bruised mess.
And, at the same time you want to to be wrapped in the arms of your lover with your ear pressed to their chest?
But, there's so many feelings, you get overwhelmed and shut down
And you find yourself staring blankly at a wall for hours with nothing but a frown.
That feeling that envelopes your mind so it's empty and whirring at the same time.
The one that won't go away no matter how hard you try.
Yes? No? Maybe it's just me.
But I've got that feeling and it makes me want to scream.

Your sugar dust dances,
Falling in wisps and whirls onto the carcass of summer;
And that silent breath, like the ghost of a kiss,
Shadows under ill-lit street lamps.
Where toes dig deep into woolen blanket
And the body's fire is the only reprieve from your reaching icicles
I shall slip a smile to these rose petal lips and welcome your cold embrace

Was it when you beheld all 7 pounds and 8 ounces of me that you decided you didn't want me?
(All I ever wanted was to be wanted by you.)
Or when your boyfriends favored my flesh over yours?
(To be protected by you.)
Was it when my health bottomed, and I became too much of a burden that you realized you didn't care for me?
(To be nurtured by you.)
I know I felt it at 16 with split wrists and no future in sight when you screamed I was your biggest mistake.
(It's alright, I am my own.)
The heartstrings snapped one by one at 18 as you threw me away like Tuesday's trash, inconvenient to your days' plans.
(All I ever asked was to be guided by you.)
I felt your hatred suffocating me as I covered your claw marks on my wedding day.
(All I needed was to be a daughter.)
The walls crumbled the day I gave you silence and you gave me back Flame.
So, to answer the question:
Yes, you cared. But only about the things you could hate me for.
I guess I'll always be the favourite mistake.
*(When all I ever wanted was my mother's love)

The DARK ROOM
                                                                                         So QUIET
                                              The LIGHT in the window
             So ENTRANCING
                                           The flutter of WINGS
                                             So RHYTHMIC
                                                                                                        A SCRATCH at THE WINDOW
                                                                                WHO is there?
                                         RED EYES bore into me
My SOUL is ON FIRE!
                                       Rapid HEARTBEATS
                                                                               FEAR in my eye
                                                                                                                   SCREAMS building in my throat
                                                                            Mouth OPEN WIDE
                                           The GLASS SHATTER
MOTIONin the corner of my eye
                                                      It happened SO FAST
                                                                                          The scream NEVER ESCAPED
                                                   My HEART CONSTRICTS
                       A PAIN in my chest
                                                     WETNESS pours from it
                                                                                              I see MY HEART
                                                                                                                          NOT POSSIBLE
                                                                                                  YOU laughed
                                                  COLDNESS overcomes me
               A HAND reaches out
                                                                                 DARKNESS

A crush
Is the birth
Of the butterflies
That flutter when in love
And the ending
Of a once
Innocent
Heart

His first kiss, her last kiss
By the bars of the cell he put her in
His love is the love of a bestmans' girl
Who's two hearts follow her across the worlds
This mad man that never realized he waited too long
To love his sweet, Riversong

My reason for life
That which pumps life blood throughout my veins
And out of my wounds
That flushes my cheeks
When you enter a room
My heart that is held in your hands
And beats rapidly at your touch
This poor, tattered heart that can never get enough

A body now hollowed
Parties in the dark
Pills are swallowed
A quickened heart
Dilated pupils
Crank sweat
*** smoke
Two bodies on the bed
Cigarettes litter the ashtray
Bottles litter the room
Hiding for days
From me or from you?
Everyone has left
Broken their promises to stay
Now, my body is broken
And my insides gone astray
There's nothing left to do
In this world of hate
So, I'll swallow these pills
And drink the pain away

Your hands on my waist
So tight that your presence is left behind
Your lips to mine
So hungry, you leave them swollen and wanting more
Your body pressed against me
Leaving me trapped between you and the door
I want you to climb into my window after I've said my goodnights
Lay in my bed and hold me tight
Your hot breath lingering on my neck
While into the clouds, we ride
Our clothes strewn across the room
Because I know you'll have to leave all too soon
I need to feel your heart beating fast with mine
And hear your ragged breathing as we're lost in time
I want to remember the words we'll whisper into the night
With the gasps and scratches, never too light
And as our hearts begin to slow and our breathing calms
Wrapped in blankets, we'll intertwine our sweaty palms
Because I love all the things we say and do
That make me realize all I'll ever want is you

The walls
The white walls
The white walls that wall me in and never let me leave
Closer. Tighter. Smaller.
The walls grow close around me until the only thing inside is....me
No air.
No words.
I cannot breathe
I should not, could not, will not leave
These white walls are a part of me
A part so distant, yet so near
A part that counts my falling tears
Oh, white walls, white walls
The product of my greatest fear

Welcome to my haven
My prison
My heaven
My hell
Welcone to my life

The taste of smoke on my lips
The way liquor cascades across my tongue
Your hands rough against my hips
As I try to feel in a body, so numb

A heart that beats for no one's love
Fighting a world so dark
Praying for help from someone above
And wishing on fallen stars

Surrounded by everyone, and no one, in turn
Using art to express why I hide
Inside, I bury the pain and the hurt
Whilst I struggle to live a trying life

The tears are flowing from my eyes
I wonder if you hear my cries
Such a long time has gone by
Yet I recall the day perfectly in my mind
Your body was cold as you whispered good-bye
Yet, your deathly appearance made me hide
Finally, I got the courage to speak on that dark date
But, when I grabbed your hand, I was far too late
Your hands had grown cold
Your glow no longer gold
Your eyes, so vibrant in the life I never thought you'd lose
Had finally went dull, they had been dying since noon
I screamed to the heavens, head in my hands
My knees buckled, the inability to stand
Forever I will hate my darkened heart
All because its fear refused to let me say good bye at the start

Finally, I have found Where the Sidewalk Ends!
Well, less "Where" more "What" and "When".  
The sidewalk is our timeline and each fixed point is an end!

Around our aura parts the currents of space and chaotic life.
Where we've both been trapt in its waters and we gained our years of fight.
Battling towards each individual branch, we see emanates of sounds and lights!
With laughs, cries, and hues galore we parade our guiding lanterns high!
For in the distance is curdled screams of wedding bells and flashing purple skies.

All this time bobbing in the waters, but it taken so long see
At each Sidewalks End, the darkness recedes and reveals pieces of you and me.  
Where a lantern collects a moment in time, each dew drop holds our melody
Each star holds pieces of a fragile heart, and every End is only The Beginning.

You start off happy
Giddy
Fun
Then, you're silly
Laughing
Dumb
Next, your brain starts to fly
Rattles
Numbs
You want to go higher?
Sure, why not
It can't hurt to have some fun
One pill, three pills, five pills, nine
Now, you've lost control of your mind
You don't make descisions
Just go with the flow
Jump from person to person
Everyone's wasted; it's not like he'll know
But, pictures are taken
Posts are blowning up
Yet, this feeling is intoxicating
You can't get enough
Before you realize
A week has passed
Your running on empty
And skipped every class
Everyone is worried
But, you've lost the right way
Now, you're addicted to the feeling
Because you wanted to be free for just a day

The candle flickering out in the dark room
It's like falling down into an abyss
Flailing as you reach for the rope you cannot grasp
Trying to call out to the voices you hear weeping for you
Yet, your screams are silent.
Whilst my cries are loud
My tears cannot fall from these hollow eyes
Because death has grasped your hand
And has chosen to hold it tight
I cannot find the strength to carry on without you
Please do not leave
Now, my world is slowly crumbling
The last of this heart is ash
Yet, death doesn't care for my pitiful pain
As long as your beautiful soul is claimed

Curtis,
I'm tired of being tired because I miss you.
And laughing without you by my side
Seven months has gone like seven years
And, when you get home, you'll see my struggles
Because these wrinkles are the trails of my tears
Etched forever in my cracking skin

My demons come out to play.

At the edges, their dance is alluring
Their perfumes swirl around me like ***** smoke
And I fiend to tumble deeper down the rabbit hole
To remember
Or to forget
Those inescapable repercussions.

On my throat
Across my face
Dragging me back and pinning me down
Inside and out.
How they haunt my dreams and rouse me relentlessly
Until unconsciousness is no longer an escape
And wakefulness is a constant battle
Oh, how those hands have conditioned me
Fore, I am at a point where my reflection looks bland without colour dancing across my skin
Or his hand-prints a perfect recollection as to why I must obey

So, until I can recognize the woman in the mirror whose only colour is her own
My demons inch closer while you love away my pain

Drowning in the air I can no longer sense buzzing and swirling around me in melodies and soft caresses.
That would spring my steps and twists my fingers into beautiful worlds of colour and chaos.
Now, it just blows inconveniently and loud around everything that surrounds me.
I have become anchored in this underwhelming realm of ****
No longer can I see past the flesh around me; the hazy shadows leaving sneak peaks to the souls they carry
Or feel the ancient spirits of the trees with milennia of knowledge and wisdom slumbering soundly.
Nor hear the Goddess sing in the crisp, quiet caress that came with the fallen snow.
No.
My life has become controlled by this...this small atrocity that absorbs all my colours and leave me dulled and gray
I'm calm and clear; but so calm I am empty.
There is no music in this new mind of mine
And my magick feels locked away
Is this normal?
Who would darken such a sunny day?
I say as I swallow the pills anyway.

The hammer falls
And this tall elegant mirror
Cracks and shatters into a thousand jagged pieces
Crumbling to these aged oak floors

For the first time
In too many years
I look to a mirror
And what should I see
But a beautiful and loved woman
With a smile in her eyes and a gasp on her lips.
After so many years of uncertainty
I finally recognize the reflection

Shaking and sobbing
Silent and still.
At rest? There is no rest.
I've lost the will;
It's pouring from the hole in my chest.
I await:
Your laugh
That look
The pages of a new book.
Please!
Just take me away from this mess.
Is it me?
Or the by product of this love for you?
Ugh, ******* emotions.
If I'd just flip the switch, I could be free.
But is this a curse or am I blessed with this ability?
Blessed.
What a crock of ****.
I am a blessed mess without the ability to love less.
Because you taught me to love with all or nothing
And we are not a family of nothing.
So, we give it all.
And we fall fall fall
Down the rabbit hole,
Slamming to an abrupt stop,
Stumbling in search of the ones that fell with us.
So search I will; day after day and year after year; until my smile can replace the storm of tears
For now, I am shaking and sobbing
Silent and still
At rest, with no rest
Until I find the will

Overwhelmed and underwhelimg
In the things most important
Drowning in the air I can no longer feel
Buzzing and swirling around me in melodies and soft caresses
That would spring my steps and twists my fingers into beautiful worlds of colour and chaos
Now I have been anchored in this underwhelming realm of ****
I can no longer see past the flesh around me
Feel the spirit of the trees
Nor hear the Goddess sing in the falling snow
No.
My life has become controlled by this...this small sponge of chemicals that absorbs all my colours and leave me dulled and gray
I'm calm; so calm I'm empty
There is music no more
And my magick is astray!
Is this normal?
Who would ever want to be normal??
I say, as I swallow the pills and start another day