As a child I was soft.

And I spent my time aloft

The Michigan snow

Looking down, about it



Swimming in her icy wind

Innocent then, I headed down

The frostiest road, (unknowingly)

Listening to Amira unfold



Her cruel and caustic opinions, bold

Upon my beaten little brain.

What a conniving killer Michigan can be.



Distraught in how she sees me,

Amira knocked me off my feet!

So I fell below, burrowing into the snow.



Who was always more loving, than

My dear aunt, Amira (could know).

Hey,

I miss you a lot, but I think it would be impossible to ever tell you how much.
And you know that I’ve always been bad with words.
You remember I never knew what to say, when we sat together at the table for all of the “failing” kids in pre-calc, but you always knew what to say back then.
I remember you always knew what to say.
Even when we talked about nothing, you could tell me something.

I miss you a lot.
I think now that even if it were impossible to ever tell you how much, that I have to at least tell you how I cope.
Because then maybe you could understand somehow.
Somehow maybe you could understand.

I’m in college now and I don't go back home too much.
I pretend like I’m too important, or that I have too much going on to be there.
But you know the truth, you know it hurts too much.
But I go back sometimes, and when I do I go to the Freddy's parking lot, and I sit in my car. In that old plaza we used to work in.

And I put on “To This Day” by Shane Kocyzan and I shut my eyes as tightly as I can.
I listen a few times and pretend like you’re in the passenger’s seat listening with me, and sometimes I cry.
And sometimes I don’t.
Every time it hurts the same.
But I have to do it.

I have to do it to remember you, because I can’t ever forget you.
I do it hoping you’ll see me and sit with me.
Like really sit with me, just for a few minutes.
All I need is a few minutes.

I have to do it because maybe it’ll make me miss you less.
Or maybe you’ll see me and you’ll know how sorry I am.
How sorry I am that I didn’t go to your memorial.
I have to do it because I didn’t go to your memorial.

I do it because I have to tell you that we love you and that it wasn’t your fault, but you know that it wasn’t your fault and you know that we love you.
And I hope you know how sorry I am that I didn’t go to your memorial.
But you know that I’ve always been bad with words, and you always knew what to say.
And even if it’s impossible for you to hear me, I have to tell you how sorry I am.
That I didn't go to your memorial.
Then I turn up “to this day” and I remember you and I have to do it because I miss you too much.

Sincerely,

Your remorseful friend, V

if i shut my eyes and open them again
could i appear somewhere else
somewhere brighter, kinder
somewhere that birds sing and winds are soft

if i shut my eyes and open them again
could i find peace ?
please, i am desperate for resolve
these headaches, they rip through me

if i shut my eyes, maybe i will not open them again

sometimes i get so sad that i shut down. i forget how to move. i forget how to speak. people talk to me, but i cant hear them. sometimes i get so sad that i cant even cry. a feeling of numbness washes over me. other times, i feel lie if i get out of bed, ill surely die.

sometimes i get so happy that i go into overdrive. i forget what sadness feels like. i forget how to stop speaking and laughing. i feel as if my heart will explode and ill never be able to stop the surge of joy. sometimes i get so happy that i cry while i smile. a feeling of euphoria washes over me. other times i feel that if i dont share this feeling, ill surely die.

then there are periods of nothing. i guess what im looking for is balance. how do i find harmony?

i dont want to fall too hard
or jump too high

i just want to walk on water.

1) I drenched myself in meaningful moments. Cherished each smile I received and each hug I shared with someone dear to me.

2) I replaced my anger with laughter. Learned that the only person hurting from my anger is me.

3) I stopped being afraid to leave people behind. When someone treats me cruelly, I remove them from my reality.

4) I watch the sunset and take the time to reflect on myself. I have to face my demons to put my mind to rest.

5) I took 'regret' out of my vocabulary. No point in dwelling on a pain that I can't change.

Now I see peace, seated next to me.

When I met the sun
Like my mother,
Her warmth lay upon my skin
Caressing my frozen fingers
And thawing my frigid heart
Then she passed me to the moon and said
“It’s your turn”

So I met the moon
I watched him grin, as my father does
And his moonbeams cooled down my torrid skin
He patted my torched fingers and covered them with verglas
Then he scowled and said
“I cannot reach your heart,”
So he shifted me to the earth

And I met the earth
The dirt immersed itself under my fingernails
The trees lifted my bleeding body with their gentle branches
And caressed me as the wind swayed my fragile limbs back and forth
The earth held me, tattered, and said
“My child, you are broken”
Then she dispatched me to my maker

Where my journey ends
I do not remember my maker
I met the sun, the moon, and the earth
Who all took their turns trying to mend the mangled body presented to them
The earth delivered me, fractured, to the maker
But I am so far gone, that even this celestial being could not restore my form

Their efforts, however good intention
Were futile
The sun, the moon, the earth, my maker
My end - the afterlife
And I must acquiesce