she kisses me & my body explodes
& she knows she knows she knows
she can sense that i love her.
i don't say the words at first
we just sit in her car and talk about what it's like being this hurt
& she holds me in her sweet little hands
& i choke down all these words because i don't want this night to end.
her eyes always see more than i'd like for her to know
she's an open book filled with blank pages because i'm getting too close
after tonight, she'll close off again
after tonight, her book will be locked
after tonight, she’ll forget that i love her
i’ll be expected to do the same
& i probably will do what she asks
but tonight, i'm allowed to love her
because just for tonight, she loves me back.

"i'm a poet," i told her, "i've never lived without a broken heart,"
then her eyes glassed over and i could tell she was going to cry
but i don't know what else to say to a girl with that much fire in her life
i feel like i'll burn around you, i say but not out loud
and labels hurt my head but this love hurts my heart
her smile sticks to my lips cause she's honey, she's art
"give me a reason to care this much, okay?
give me a reason to fall in love, okay?" she said it as if my lungs were even still capable of such things
and i stood on the edge of this roof before, wanting to fly from this place
i opened up my arms before, and hit the ground harder 'till i went insane
my doc said, "don't worry, happens all the time. just take these pills and you won't want to die." so i did but i feel numb
my heart is cold and she's my sun
but it's been so long since i've tasted love
i'm jam packing my thoughts right now
a little broken, a little lost right now
but she can weave in and out like she's never been hurt
and like she never will
"i love you," she said while abandonment played with my tongue
but still, i said it back, knowing i no longer even had it in me to love.

the first one was cocky and curly
brown eyes, strong jaw
a basketball boy who broke not only hearts
but laws.
i kissed him to forget my troubles
i kissed him to forget
i gave my all to him
even though i was not his to give
by the end of the year
he sat in the snow, crying, alone
i told him its not fun anymore, its time for me to go
i stood beside him, wanting to leave
needing to stay
i knew we'd meet again but back then? he was nothing to me.

the second one came in like a missle
i didn't have time to react
he was confident and smart
i'd always admired that
he held my hand and looked at me with greed
he ran to my house at night and in need
i spent so long saving him, i forgot to take a breath
so i left him with a note telling him how i'd never love again
at the time, i was lying, but things haven't felt the same since.

third came a girl with danger dripping in her eyes
mistakes tangled in her hair
she was alive and carefree, so i never saw her despair
i looked at her through rose colored lenses, she was perfect
she was mine
i didn't believe what others had said, even when i started seeing the truth with my own eyes
she wasn't loyal and she wasn't kind, my head had made it all up
it was hardest to leave this one,
'cause i never actually meant to fall in love.

the last girl was dark sunshine
her eyes were so grey
so blue
i felt the years on her shoulders, the world she constantly held up
the entity in her eyes trying to escape the past she knew
i wanted to make life easier for her
i taught her love, unknowing that i was only teaching her to love me
so when our time was up
on the 17th, she asked to date, you see
yes, i said out loud
no, i said in my head
i broke up with her three days later
its not my fault, to me, romance is dead.

what i gave to love you all
what i gave to break your hearts
but i had to do it
i'm a poet, i simply wouldn't survive if i was ripped apart.

2/25/19

14:17 pm

please stop tearing me up and down. i can’t take it. and i’m realizing slowly, if i stop to breathe, there will be nothing left of me. i need to go. go. go. i need to leave you behind.
if i could just find the remote, i could mute the **** in my head. i know too much. i’m better off dead.
no such luck. i’m sorry about the mirror i broke. i’ll pick it up when my hands stop bleeding. i’ll pick it all up when i feel like me again.

15:41 pm

this isn’t a suicide note. but my god, i want to die.
i swallow oblivion for breakfast and by lunch i puke it all up. i never learn my lesson and it’s probably all my fault.
i yell more than i speak and if i really wanted to die, there’s nothing you could do to stop me.
i am my own destruction. raised with a heart of gold, but gold doesn’t keep you alive. neither have any of the hands i’ve learned to hold.
i’m breaking free ‘cause if i keep living this life i swear
it’ll **** me.
i’ll **** me.
i just want to wake up.

18:20 pm

i wake up in the same skin i fell asleep in. almost like i can never take it off. almost like if you walked by me three years later my skin would still be calling your name and that’s ****** up.
i can’t sleep unless i’m drugged up (or unless i’m by you) but you don’t know that. you don’t need to. i won’t let you.
my secrets are my armor. i pile them high. you will never again get through to me. you will never again get through to me. you will never again get through to me.

2/26/19

2:13 am

how'd you get through to me? **

God, make summer
Stop
Reminding me of you

Let autumn, spring, and winter do it too

i'm sure i was nothing before i met you
a blue girl looking for new colors on a palate that only bore one
i'm sure i was only a shell of what i could be before i met you
a blue girl looking at a green, orange, red-blond boy that could be her new home
tall like a tower, booming like thunder, laughter like music playing steadily on a summer eve
you were a stark difference compared to me, yet you were still perfect
well, as perfect as any green, orange, red-blond boy could be.
tennis shoes the same color as my sad sad soul, connecting to legs crashing their way into my mad mad world
you know exactly what you do to me
but do you dare stop?
no, of course not
since when did boys like you stop for girls like me?
bulldozing, red lights, screaming, violet nights
i was everything next to you, yet nothing the second you leave
i'm a blue girl searching for a green, orange, red-blond boy that could be her new backbone
she can't stand on her own
she can't she can't she can't-
i can't stand on my own.

i. you are broken bones and candy too sweet, you weren’t made for goodnight kisses and long walks on the beach
you weren’t made for me.
ii. when my lungs stop bleeding and my skin stops ripping i will give you up. i will power wash you out of my veins because you will never
ever, have control over me again.
iii. if forever is the word that has kept me stuck to your ground than heartbroken will be the only word that could free me, because if i sit here falling any longer
there will be nothing left of me.
iv. i'm not pixie dust and you're not princess charming, i am able to live life without your constant explosion
and you will survive without being the reason i'm dying.
v. i am repeating phrases repeating phrases repeating phrases because your lack of change is slowly getting to me
slowly drowning me in your coffee, bitter, black, and
i'm never coming back up.
(you're probably okay with that)
vi. i tell you i love you and the sky comes undone
and when i say ¨it's falling¨
you say ¨so don't look up¨
vii. maybe if your last name and my first name made some type of sense, we wouldn't be sitting here watching it all end
the bed is in flames and we're going insane
because love is only chemicals and lies and we know nothing will change.
viii. you feel nothing and i feel everything and so i tell you
¨i hear wedding bells¨ because, don't you?
and you say ¨cover your ears, my love, they're lying to you¨
viiii. never have i ever fallen for someone bathed in bleach
never will i ever love someone incapable of loving me.
x. this is the end and you're not my friend and the moon is dying and children are crying and you're leaving me behind and i'm letting you go
is this what it feels like to be alone?

A little house sits on a hill.
It appears bigger
than the ones built up around it.

It's filled with more things than just
childhood memories.

The family that lived there
was a complicated one.

Two parents of seven kids.

A mother,
who had to put her life on hold for her family,
now is in too much pain and complains.

A father,
who spends days and nights working,
now doesn't know how to show love.

An eldest daughter,
who finally got her dream job,
now loses time with her young daughter.

The eldest son,
who always tried to be on his own,
now doesn't fit in with the others.

The second son,
who was influenced by the wrong crowd as a boy,
now doesn't know how to stand up for himself.

The middle child,
a boy who never felt as if he belonged,
now struggles to find a new home.

Yet another boy,
who was always the jealous child,
now lives with anger issues too big to handle.

A second daughter,
who was spoiled as a babe,
now gets scolded for the way she was raised.

The last child,
a girl who never tried,
now tries too hard for approval,
mostly from herself.

This is a broken family
One that grew in a broken home.

Each member trying to find their way back
to a home that never existed.

Only perfected in their imagination.

Each one a lie.

That's all that life truly is...

a lie.