My soul sighs at night...
But it's actually screaming inside...
You just can't hear it...
My unwanted... out without warning sighs  give my soul away...
My sighs speak for my heart...
They tell you of my troubles
They want you to know of the feelings I hide inside...
My sighs, truthful and scary...
I **** them every time...

You have learned from them...
You've picked up on the meaning they give...
You know them well...

My sighs... my ******* sighs...
They give me away...
But I must let them out...
My sighs...
The only relief I have for my heart,
The only option for my loud screaming soul.

She saw my flaws… she saw me raw, vulnerable… naked from the inside out
She saw me and I was scared, frighten by how the truth was coming out, how I couldn’t hide it any longer…

I thought I was pretending so well that everything was fine;
I was trying to pretend that I had forgotten about my past, about those stupid envelopes that kept on showing up at my door…
I was pretending… but the truth was sitting right there on my desk, piling up… just exposing my truth…

I had tried to forget; I just left it there pretending it didn’t exist… but I felt anxious… my past looking at me from my desk… I tried hoarding it in my trunk, but I couldn’t stop it from showing up at my door… month by month, the reminder was there…

The reminder of a life I used to have with someone else for so many years, kept on showing up… I did not want to acknowledge that life any longer… I wanted to pretend that it had vanished…
But she, took a hold of that life… and as she saw me panicked she assured me that it was ok…
One by one she made me open the envelopes, she made open up and face the truth…
She ripped up papers that didn’t matter, made me look at the ones that did…
She kissed me and looked at me with kindness and love…
I felt naked… did not know what was going to come of this… I was ******* scared, anxious, vulnerable… but once she started… I just let her take over… the bandied had to ripped off with one pull… So…with every opened envelope she helped me face the truth…

My desk… I could start seeing the shiny brown wood that had been hidden for months once again…
White ripped up piles of paper on the floor… my past… my life… ripped up, thrown, crumbled … it looked back at me …
But it was done. She sat next to me as I looked to the ground… She sat next to me… she understood.

She helped put what was left of the papers in the trash… and helped me realize it was over. That part at least… was over…
She saw me vulnerable… raw, naked from the inside out… She saw me.
She said she knew… and that it was ok.

After all, she is my mirror… walls do not exist between us… not even glass… just those eyes that always look at mine… just a smile… waiting for mine. Just warm touch, gentle kisses… no judgment, but strength.

She saw me… just like I see her.

You continue to tell me
this ******* phrase I've come to hate...
"we're not there yet"...

What the **** does that supposed to mean??
Not there ... where??
Where should we be in the relationship
to allow certain things to happen??
Where should we be in the relationship
that we will allow our happiness continue to grow...
where should we be... if "we're not there yet..."

We're not there yet to say I love you,
we're not there yet for me to hear out loud your feelings,
apparently we're not there yet
for me to even call you mine...

What is it going to take for us to get "there"??...How much time will I have to wait for us to get "there??
Where the **** is "there"?

It had been years since I'd seen your face,
I recognized your smile, as if I had never left...
We talked, it was good...
You said you were sorry... and I accepted your apology...
Although I had already forgiven you a while back...
But this doesn't mean that I forgot...

Do not confuse my forgiveness for forgetfulness...
because I still remember...

I remember all those nights
you were on the couch... sipping on some beers...
everything would be good, we'd laugh and play...
but then something triggered your emotions...

Your face would change,
you would start asking questions,
then the questions would turn into accusations,
the accusations would turn into anger,
the anger would turn into fire...
a fire that couldn't be stopped,
A fire that burned me... over and over again...

Next thing I knew
the fire would hold me down by my wrists...
demon like screams would be leaving your lungs...
telling me not to speak... or I would be punched in the face
and your eyes... your eyes would scar my soul
and I knew this nightmare would last all night long...

As the sun would rise...
you'd be sleeping next to me...
I never slept...
tears rolling down my face
scars... deeper than my skin...
You'd wake up and say you were sorry...
you blamed the alcohol....
made me feel guilty,
you said your love was too big...
then hugs and kisses ... and I was yours again...

But I never forgot...
Even after I left those nightmares stayed with me,
the scars you left, dug deeper into the essence of my being...
as I pretended that none of had happened...
But the more I pretended, the more prevalent it became...
the more I pretended, the more torturous it felt...

So I forgave you...
I forgave you alone in my room with tears coming from my soul
I forgave you as I prayed to God to get rid of my scars...
I forgave you, and in the process I learned to forgive myself too...

But just know...
that even though my heart forgave you
...my soul never forgot.

I painted you like a canvas with my fingers
I drew infinite lines across your body
I traced your curves with my hands
And saw the colors of your skin come to life...

I wrote my name
On the curve of your back,
With one thousand kisses I
Left my mark...

Your nails scribbled "mine" on my skin
Your kisses left impressions on my lips,
The sweet fragrance of your body I carry
As I walk along in this dream...

Last night as I lied down next to you, as we ate all those desserts together, as I saw your smile again... My heart felt happy. It was scary to be so close to you... It was even scarier when our bodies decided to touch... my heart stopped as our hands grabbed one another. My soul wanted to scream when I lied my head down on your chest and you held me even closer towards you. My heart started fighting the thoughts inundating my brain... saying it's ok... I belong here.
I was scared but I felt happy... I did not want to think of the next day... of how things will be like when I left... I just wanted to be there... with you, in that moment.
When our lips touched, the butterflies in my stomach became alive again, it felt as if an explosion had taken over my whole body... Intense feelings took over my heart, my thoughts were shut.
It was just you and me. I had you there, mine.
Even if it was for just one night... Just for this night you were completely mine again... and I was yours. Last night.