I craved your smile...
The way your eyes crinkle,
when that one dimple on you cheek becomes apparent...
when I can feel your heart beat a little faster...

I craved your smile...
because your happiness becomes my happiness
when I can see it in your eyes,
as my hand caresses your face
and you lean on it with your warm skin.

I craved your smile...
did not want to miss another moment without it;
felt lost as you heart became full of pain
as mine cried silently for it...

I craved your smile
when I couldn't see it any longer
when your soul became confused and anxious...
when your eyes became distant from mine.

I craved your smile...
I crave your smile,
I need your smile...
And I know you crave mine too.

“Listen honey, I don’t think
you’ll be able to support yourself
with this art stuff.”

“I’m just not sure
how much money you’ll make
if you start your own business.”

"Are you really sure
you’ll be able to provide
on a teacher’s salary?”

“Is that really what
you want to be doing
for the rest of your life?”

Why does everyone want
to be financially wealthy
but emotionally bankrupt?

The scent of your skin
Has been carved inside my brain
The sounds you used to make
As I made you mine each night
Are alive in my deepest thoughts...
Your deep and intense eyes
Full of curiosity, always wanting more
I carry with the pain in my heart...

Your face never lied... I knew...
I knew when you felt happy
I knew when you were sad
I knew when the moment was coming
When you were going to end this...
My heart knew as it slowly cracked.

I was hoping you'd realize
What you meant to me,
I was hoping you wouldn't do it,
I was hoping for my heart.

But I knew...
It was terrifying, painful...
And still is...
The memories hunt me,
It ****** *****!
I wish I could have your scent back...
I wish I could have your eyes on me again,
I want to hear the sounds...
I need to feel your skin...
But I can't...

You're trying to fill the void in your chest with meaningless emotions,
with happiness that lasts only a few hours
with content that's there only when you can see it
with smiles and fake laughter
that signal to your brain that you are ok....

But as you come back to reality
when you are all alone at home
when the darkness fills your room
and your  thoughts take over your mind...
Then you realize that it was only temporary happiness...

You start feeling the pain creeping in...
You can feel your heartbeats louder than ever.
You want to rip your chest apart again...
Because you know the truth, you can feel it...
And it hurts, it ******* hurts!
As much as you tried to run from your own feelings
As much as you tried to run from your own pain,
It's been there... waiting for you...

So you turn on the radio,
expecting the music to drown your thoughts,
to mask the pain in your heart...
you start moving stuff around the house,
make yourself busy...

You can't take it any longer
So you go out into the night again...
To fill the same void with meaningless emotions
With happiness that only lasts a few hours...

And once again the cycle is repeated...

When the clock hits 10pm... I face my own demons...
unable to sleep early, as my thoughts wake me up,
when the memories come back,
when I'm all alone in the dark

Words are all I see, all I feel...
Constantly making mazes in my ******* brain, deciding if I'll get outta this house today or if I'll just stay in bed writing my heart out loud.
No eating, no sleeping, no care... Just words...
Words that are stronger than my will, stronger than my hunger, stronger than my wanting for peace...
Words that consume me, words that I must write to the world to find a way to let this screaming chest have a voice...
Words that frantically take over my thoughts, that aren't afraid to be seen, that have more courage than my own soul...
Words are all I see, all I feel, all I am.