Struggling to fold
My purple swan
You held my hands
Helped me to crease
I could feel
The corners
pressing my own heart
Into a piece of paper art
Brushing fingertips
Accidentally
As I turned to return
My breath caught
As your hand traveled
down, down, down
I asked my mother
Do you think it means
something?
No pressure
No expectation
I breathe
Just simply feeling
A magnetism
Pulling us towards
The dance floor
Red headphones
Two left feet for me
To be remedied
Days later with a simple lesson
Partnered up
Your laughter flirting with mine
Stealing moments, a smile
A wink, a kiss on the cheek
Not to worry, it’s just the way
A mere greeting
Maybe something more
Locked away, laughing, sneaking
Adrenaline rushing
Laced with tension and heat
Desire for a body against body
And to know more
Singing together
Cologne still on my cheek
Come what may,
I feel more alive in love
than ever before
and the gratitude
That rests inside my heart
Mirrors the smile
That I have now
Writing for this for you.

Cold between my lips
Warm inhale, heated exhale.

Clicking fingers to create fire.
Burning scent, sweet and complimentary.

Elegant smoke, pouring from the mouth.
White, thick, warm, alive.

It makes life bearable when I'm without you.
The sense of lifelessness, but of life.
My body is just a vessel
for the music and the visions I see.
I'm in the clouds, above the pain
Behind the wounds
Across from the aches.
Away from the life I am a part of.

I see what I desire, and yet
I cannot have it yet.

So I sit here
And I create an escape for myself.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
And all the pain slips away.

My heart is a house
and it's open for rent
To stay and to sleep
I thought you were meant
to live here for good
I was about to hand you the keys
but you lived and you left
without paying the fees.

More tenants came in
and they messed up my floors
they ripped off the wallpaper
and they knocked down the doors.

Then you came along
and you spackled the wall.
You painted the doors
and I began to fall
down those stairs so high
I tripped and I hurt
but by the time I got up
all that was left was your shirt.

It was stuck on the banister
as if you had fled without thought
I fell to my knees
because my breath was not caught.

Tears clouded my eyes
as my hope was shattered once more
To love is too dangerous
now I will forever lock my door.

if this life is not permanent
if nothing in this life is
real or worth much
why would i waste my time
chasing objects and mile markers
when in our lives
all that matter is how we feel
our emotion and our sensitivities
to each other and to ourselves
our own inner voices, (or are they really inside?)
screaming and singing to be heard.
ripping open our own hearts
and eyes to see what is really
under the masks of our own making.
why chase those masks that we wear
why not grip the feelings of love
and faithful compassion from the universe
or from our own inner gods and goddesses
why not reach out and grasp that
golden thread that we so desperately
search the world for
it's right there in front of our gaping
mouths.
waiting to be touched and embodied.
this is why we should chase our heart
for in this world
it is the only thing with sheer permanence.

My heart drops further into my stomach
as I stare at this picture

I can't help but want you even more,
as I stare at this picture

I've been staring at it for so long
that I almost believe that it's real
and I reach out to touch your face
but am rudely denied by reality.

Who are you? Who am I?

Who are we?

Is it even possible anymore
to see the beautiful lines of your face
or do I just shudder back
and understand it won't be anything

How do I attain that simple mind?
The simple thought of happiness
and of understanding suffering?
How?

I must not, to start, dream
as I stare at this picture.

You are like the Texas Sunset
golden
with the glow of summer
kissing your cheeks
and the multicolored expanse
streaked with azure and indigo
reflecting in your wide eyes.

You are like the Florida morning
after a nightly rainstorm
tangerine clouds wafting
through the sky
and your touch, as soft as the dew
that sticks to the magnolia leaves
jasmine flooding my senses
you're skin sweet as that pure flower

You are like Vancouver's summers
Mild and cool with expansive arms
stretched out to hug the coast
mountainous in your love
wrapping around the city, the people,
Me.

You are like Czech Republic's churches
Artful
stained glass, fragmented emotions
echoing, haunting melodies
of times passed and times to come
never empty but always
open and inviting.

You are like South Africa's oceans
aquamarine, calm
as I stare over the cliff
I see your eyes in the waves below me
ever changing but still
the same ecosystem, swimming below
the sea spray, salt on my lips
for you to taste

You are like Ireland's rolling hills
I thought of you
and I rolling down them
hands clasped, a cladagh ring falling from
my pocket, to give you on your hand
emerald is that memory
of the dream that I wished to have.

You, my darling, are like South Korea's beauty
natural and also built
you wake up and walk out and just be
nothing is needed
And the temple steps I walk to
up and up to reach the shrine
I pray for our embrace again
tears mirroring the small fountains
meant for cleansing and refreshment
Your presence as full as my heart
as I bow to the Buddha
your mantra of love, singing in my ear.

In all the places I've been
so I have found you.

grey skies
with cool water
crying from the
soft faces above
how beautiful
to run through
puddles
soaked shoes
and dark hair
how beautiful
to see the sun
shine beyond the
mountains and
mountainous buildings
glowing effortlessly
in the evenings
and bustling with life
during all hours.
only quiet in the very
early (or late) hours
of the starting day.
oh, my soul.
torn and tired
but full of life
full of music
full of hope
for a life complete with
self satisfaction
and love
for each human
and each cell in
my own body.
when it rains
it pours.
in love and in tragedy.
embrace the art
around you
dark or light.
happiness or sadness
for the rain is a cleanser
and a sign of change
growth
and refreshing life.

i wish i could have felt this way
for longer
i wish i could have freed myself
sooner.
this heart beat and skip
because i'm open and willing
to be who i am.
why did it take so long
to become myself?
the internal hatred and pain
blocking my fullest light --
i have finally cleared the
cobwebs and dark sheets
to reveal a kaleidoscope
of colors
a spectrum of light and love
i am who i am
and i will love who i love

because love always win.

i was screaming
in my car the other day
right after i had an interview
for a job that could change my life

i was screaming
because i was ripping apart
this shroud
of falseness
and fear
of comfort that isn't real
of a life that has been
secretly empty for the past year
unknowingly killing myself
and yet deeply knowing.

realizing
how sacred and valuable i am
the universe sitting inside
waiting to be released
energy pent up
waiting to be set free

hateful i have been
unkind to myself
setting myself up for failure
by falling into the same traps
over
and
over
again
drowning myself, my heart, my spirit.
dead inside.
thinking about suicide
thinking about a world without me
my responsibilities done

but enough is enough.
i grip my own shoulders
shake myself
"hello!"
"wake up!"
"are you ok?!"

yes. here i am.
I'm ok.

I'm ok. Oh. I'm ok.

Reborn.

I may be drunk
But at least I'm writing

I may have sunk
But at least I'm lighting

Why is she so much prettier than I?
Do you feel the way you used to?

Jealously stirs within me
I know it's not possible
But I still see every possibility.

A bottle of jack
A bottle of wine

Please keep me
Please pass the time.

I can't. I can't.
Please go away.

there you are
leaking in

a toxic figure
glued to the inside
of my shallow

mind
a crucifix
with your arms outstretched
you try to find a way in

sinking
but i won't give in
for you have been
before
and are unwelcome

clawing
you try to
get inside
and live

but i won't have
you
i won't

for you
are nothing

and i am everything.

two suns and one moon
happy and blissful
ignoring the tragedy of life
of the world
high above, and perfect.
the moon
sighs deeply, across the ocean --
no longer with a jealous breath
but simply because she knows
and accepts
her fate
to never share the sky
with the one she loves

soft and rough patches
covered in scars and old stories.
blood under the shield, hiding away
blue, not black like the circles beneath my eyes.
yours, I still smell faintly
when I lie on that side of my bed.
wish I could sleep well without you.
wish you were next to me.
with you, I am at
Peace.

[now that i'm sober
i take back what i said
i'm sitting with this love hangover]
and ****, it's hurting my head.
every time, i get drunk
on these feelings
wine, whining for you to let me in
i regret the moments that follow
where i wake up, my left eye
pounding so hard
from where it feels like a black eye should be
because that's what was there
before, you.
and **** it, to back peddle into a puddle
of rain and mud and blood
feels too much like these exercises i've done before
where i'm learning again and again
that i'm some kind of *****
who can't be trusted with my own mind
or heart, rather.
because my mind is solid, but
my heart is the issue, on my sleeve
constantly aching and working and feeling
looking to find that one
that has been in my mind for so long.
the ideal.
the idea.
but what is really missing here?
ah, I see it again.
I am.
I think I won't drink this poison anymore
and instead,
just relax into the life that I've needed to relax into.
I think I'll sit for once
and not stand up
because it has become too difficult
to stand in these heels.
I think I'll rest.
Quiet now, you restless soul.
bottle is on the floor,
let it roll.

I am not forgotten
the universe holds me close
every beautiful
and ugly part of me
is held to the breast
of my god.
trusting in the plan
whatever it may be
or the ebb and flow
of this universal walk
of life and death.
being gracious
and kind
and loving constantly
the ones who need it the most
is the way I shall pray.
through goodness
and mercy
and generous heart.
sparrow, song bird
of the north and south.
and I am not forgotten
for love always finds a way.

I can taste it,
like a deep Cabernet
rounded in my mouth
like the words that circulate,
flirting some sense of destiny
between curled lips.

like the softness of skin
against skin
I can feel it.

there was a fall,
walking along blindly and then
suddenly
dropped into some warm space
of the universe
caught between deep contact of our eyes
and the pounding of the blood
I swear I could hear it in my head.

heart beating out of its cage
Protected, once
Freed, abruptly
A sparrow fluttering between
the horizon and what was
before
the barrier it had set for itself

It hopes,
this time is different.

Your lies in your eyes as you sit and realize. What a mistake was made when you threw it all away. Don’t you feel upset when you think of that day, when you brought yourself to one knee 2 months after May. Wasn’t it sickening when you said those words that ended it all in a rushed fashion. Turning your cheek and completely leaving, empty handed. Running from what you were afraid of, and leaving me abandoned. How could you just cut me off, and never speak to me again? Like I’m a ghost in your past. A ghost in your closet, grey and black. How could you do this simple deed and leave me on the side of the road to bleed. As if I meant nothing to you in your life, you were willing to toss it away. Trash, never treasure, that’s what I hear you say. I loved you to the very end, no matter what I constantly would bend. Maxing out my credit and taking out a loan so that you would never have to be alone. Not only that but I pushed all aside, in school and family and in friends, so that I could abide. With you, I would feel you were my soulmate and now knowing you could easily sever my tether, I wonder if my worth was ever so great. I based my reality on this dream of us, being together and never having to fuss. And yet, we talked about how we never fought and when we finally did we saw what it brought; Pain and suffering to a relationship too perfect it seemed, how could we have been so stupid to think it would always gleam. In the light, we saw some true colors of each other, but I think those bad things are not enough to make us hate one another. Could you please just look once more at our photos together and see those smiles and know it was worth while. That we were not meant for a separation such as this, and this emptiness we feel is nothing like our kiss. All I can recall from our moments together is all the beautiful times and the beautiful weather. Positives outweigh negatives that’s what I’ve always said. I even told you with that other guy that’s how I felt, and now I’m telling you here. Out of our two years together, this was only the second major fire and I really cannot fathom why the building came crashing down so quickly. We have our faults and I definitely know I have mine. But I can’t help but think that there is some sort of line. Did I cross it? Yes indeed, but I couldn’t help it when I felt threatened and helpless. Misunderstanding your words and feeling attacked…when in reality you were just fighting back. A never ending circle that could have been stopped if we had both just calmed down and talked for a spot. Like cool headed adults that we really are and not impassioned children that we became. I really feel like we could have retained all of this anger and sadness. I really do. I really feel we could repair it if we just started with a bit of glue. Glue of compassion and glue of understanding. Glue of love and comprehending. Darling, you made my world worth while. You made it all ok. And that was the happiest moment those two months after May. To see it all shatter, right before my eyes. I can’t even believe it, I feel as if my soul has died. So please, I urge you to look once more. Make a list if you must, but look again into the dust. See our relationship as a whole painting and no just the smattering of ink upon a dim page. Look at the positives. Look at the beauty. For I see it and I know that we are more than our mistakes. More than our flaws. I know that I am more than what you saw. Forgiveness is a key part of any relationship, friend or lover. So please, do you have it in your heart to take the blemish and cover? It would be the best day of my life in these past weeks, if I could just call you up and not have to weep. What joy I would be brought to have that person back, who I met between the romantic buildings of Europe. What joy I would be brought to have the person back, who kept me upright in the snow. What joy I would be brought to have that person back, who kissed my tear stained cheeks and held me so close.
Look back, darling. Look back into the past. Look at the picture as a whole. Don’t you wish the same things? Don’t you want to restart? Refresh? Renew?
I know that I do.

stardust is where we began
and to where we return
souls outstretched
to grab that golden thread
we find ourselves
looking up for an answer
and yet that answer
lies within ourselves.
for we are as numerous as they are
and as exalted as they have been
our souls as inconceivable
our sprits as infinite as they
and though we lay
on this hallowed ground
our bodies desire to push outward
it is our choice
to be free
and our choice to love who we must
our freedom to glisten
as our burning, passionate counterparts
for when you look into someone else
don't you see the universe looking back?

it's sunday morning
i'm sitting at the table
you're still in bed
but i hear the alarm go
you'll be down soon.
i'm the morning person.
i've made you tea,
and myself some coffee
stirred in some honey
some toast
some jam
a few slices of fruit
the birds outside are
joyfully conversing
about their warm
restful evenings.
cars pass our home
and the sunlight
that reaches through
the window begs me
to stay in this infinite
paradise that is a life
with you, my darling
whoever you are
this figment of my
imagination
whom i dream of at the
earliest points of the
day, wishing and waiting
to spend a simple
sunday morning
with you.

the definition of insanity
is to do the same thing
over and over again
but to expect different results.
so.
sit back.
don't do anything.
let it happen.
stop controlling.
let it go.
breathe.
think.
sleep.
dream.
for,
you are a sparrow
and if you love something
you must set it free
fly high,
I'll be patient.
Because I've never done this before
ignore,
relax,
let go.
for once,
I'm not going to be insane.
I'll simply step back
and watch it grow.

We wait, with baited breath,
for the summer to finally arrive.
And yet, when that summer
engulfs our lives
We are in stasis.
Our passions, our drive
are emptied into the warm
lonely days,
Where we seek solitude
and yet company from those
who makes us feel.
We lose ourselves in each other
and fall backwards into arms
that we wished so dearly to escape
from, and now, can't get enough of.
Our passions begin to divide
and our path is no longer clear
as that bright sun moves across
the day and burns our skin
to a crisp, candy apple.
Summer brings about the best
and the worst of my desires,
how quickly I wish the fall
to come.

Sweetness is graced by the sun that yields the first crop
And sweetness is graced by the kiss that yields the first touch.
For you, though unaware of me composing
my thoughts and intentions towards you
brace the wind with compassionate care
In a constant state of thoughtful presence.
You turn toward the sun, just like me
away from the shadows, away from the idea
of something bad in this world.
For nothing is bad, but simply not good
and simply, will always get better.
For I have told myself this a thousand times
and it is hard to believe
but easier to believe when someone like you
runs your fingers through my hair
looks at me with intentional interest
and care, and understanding, and a desire to know more.
For you, the sunflower I hold
are warm and canary yellow
and you flutter in my arms like the bird I hear
across the crystal waters of the ocean song.

the wheels of life
and the winds of change
led us to this place
where we lay
in the sun so bright, and
the fields so green
our lives mirrors of
reflecting light and love
and yet there was that
single moment, and yet
it happens many times,
where I think of you in your
most incredible hour of
gorgeous lemon and pigmented
indigo behind your head held high
and I think to myself,
"What could have been?"
And now I have glimpsed
into your copper eyes once more
and seen an angel and my
heart just completely soars again
down, down into the earth
where I feel rooted in what
was once your touch
setting my body on fire
and into a trance of complete
and utter happiness.
Your fingertips brushing back
my flaxen locks as we lay
in the sun by a river so cool
or the time when I leaned into
you as we listened to that band
M83...how I could relive it again
and again and again
the memory is burned into me
with a fondness that is surreal
for any relationship I've had
has always brought bitterness
and yet your laughter,
your charm, your intellect,
and your absolute love
has left me breathless
by sheer memory.
Now that I've heard the lyrical
tune of your honeyed tone
I can't but help to think:
could a flower bloom once more?

the way the sunlight hits
the empty space in my bed
warming the sheets
kissing my cheeks
how extremely serene
to have this detachment
without the influence
of a shadow in my bed.

Sacral, sacred, ******, sensual, satiated, subtle, superior

Svadhisthana entwines. In and out. Creativity and ***.
The more you engage yourself with another
the stronger the bond becomes in your sacral region
So the stronger the bond,
the harder it is to break.

Firsts especially. First love. First ****. First whatever.
Orange and bright and with long creeping fingers
reaching into you and wrapping around you.

Do you ever wonder why after
a bad breakup...
you can't seem to do anything?
Your creativity is gone.
Any motivation. Everything aches.
You have guilt and a sinking feeling of loss.

It's Svadhisthana. It's your sacral being
which has been entwined with something
too much
too deep
too intense

and now you're stuck
and forever you're stuck
in this place where each person
you sleep with
is constantly
there
somewhere
in
your
head

wipe your makeup away
look at yourself in the mirror
what do you see behind
those circled eyes, black and
blue, colors of the sky
day and night -- you have
become the earth and you
embody all in it. you.
you have endured some
pain that not many people
have and yet you stand there
wiping away the mascara
wiping away the stain from
the act that punctured your
psyche and your flesh.
unwanted, unneeded, undeserved.
you decide your fate from here.
will you choose to let it mark you
or will you allow it to be wiped
off, taking the memory, the feeling
the death it caused inside you
and throw it into the abyss
of what will never be again
because you will come back
a thousand times stronger
than you ever were before.

The sun broke through the window of that dusty room
Yellow walls and orange bed sheets
Sleep, clouding my eyes as I opened them
to see your body lying next to mine.
What joy it brought to me
to see those freckles dotting your back
I wanted to connect the dots
Draw the constellations
Kiss them in every spot
in That Moment.

The lights turned on and the cabin opened,
the fresh smell of airport washed over me
fluorescent lights guiding my path
to see You.
What joy it brought to me
to feel those butterflies
I wanted to jump into your arms
kiss your face
telling you how much I loved you
in That Moment.

The sun shone in to that darkened room
Bunk beds and snoring siblings
Sleep, clouding my eyes as I yawned awake
to see you next to me, smiling.
What joy it brought to me
to see that smirk on your face
I wanted to fall in the snow all the time
just to have you pick me up
Kissing my cold face
in That Moment.

The clouds gently covered the sun
Sea water, spraying our faces
Bliss and ecstasy filling our souls
to see your hand upon mine.
What joy it brought to me
to see those seals on the shore
I wanted to stay there forever
kissing you on the island
looking at the commitment ahead
in That Moment.
The skies then greyed…so slowly
Darkness covering our hearts
Anger and Remorse filling us
to see your tears and mine.
What sorrow it gave to me
to see us fall apart before my eyes
I wanted to repair it
to be able to kiss you again
without a black cloud hanging
to be able to understand it
in This Moment.

Now, it is quite dark
And I wonder if I will ever

have

That
Moment

If I will ever

have

You

is always the sweetest.
because you only see the surface.
never will I do that again.
staying in sweetness.
allowing my mind to be clouded
enough is enough.
will I ever learn?
I think this year, it is the time.

I dive down again, into profoundly deep waters.
This time, I have nothing to shield me.

As I sink to the bottom, I'm aware
that this feeling is not something I've ever experienced.

The fear takes over my body,

my Breath is taken from me.
This beauty around me is all that I see.

Of course, look at that –
behold the exquisiteness of this terrifying place.

The azure of the depth
The softness of the sands
I reach out and caress a dolphin
and it even kisses my hands.

Though I sense the similarity of
the Pacific waters before,
I can surely tell it's the Atlantic
by how my body adores

and explores those endless drops
of the frightening sea
My soul expels its discomfort
and suddenly, I'm Free.

I breathe in fidelity and twist
my mouth into a smile
I can already tells that no matter what,
this dive was definitely worth while.

I allow the ocean to wrap itself around my figure,
as I swim to the sky with strength
and new found vigor.

I've watched many a documentary since you've slipped from my arms
Sinking deep into the earth, becoming part of the spiritual world.

I've read many a book and focused only on school since you've
evaporated into the sunny atmosphere above my blonde head.

The most recent documentary, Cosmos, is all about what is around us
and how insignificant we are in such a vast and expansive universe.

When I watch it, I think of you of course
And I can't help but think how insignificant our problems are
in such a vast and expansive universe...
And I can't help but think how foolish it was to fight.

The Australian Aboriginal people believe in something called
"The Dreaming"
Where the earth was once covered all in water
And the "creative-spirits" came from the water...
Forming the mountains, the plains, the animals, and the people.
Then, when done, the rest of their energy

Went up into the heavens to become the constellations
Or down into the earth.

It's funny to compare, but I feel like you were a creative spirit in my life.
You came, and conquered my heart.
You came and captured my soul, bringing me joy and light and happiness.
You painted beautiful ideas and wishes and dreams and imprisoned them into my being.
And then, when all of the energy you could give was expelled...

You were gone.

Different parts of your spirit flew up into the heavens or sunk into the ground.
And now, you're constantly all around me.

I see your shadow in the things you liked and the things you disliked
I feel your unspoken and spoken words.


I can never look at an apple again without thinking,
"He really hated apples"

Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, because it's not.
Sometimes I do cry.
Sometimes I do get very angry at myself or at you...
But I never think, "I regret that relationship."

Because I simply do not.
Everything,
and I mean Everything
happens for some kind of Purpose.

Our "Dreaming" was meant to begin in those cobbled streets of Prague
and end in a desperate and angry text message.
Our "Dreaming" was meant to make an impression on our hearts.
Our "Dreaming" was meant to create a beautiful painting of two people who loved each other so much, they could not even be together.

And then our creative spirits were meant to become the constellations
and the earth we walk upon so that someday
we would truly appreciate the person we
were really meant for.

Maybe, maybe we are meant for each other.
Maybe, we just need more time.
But I know I can say with one thing certain
in my heart,
I loved you. I love you. And I always will.

i finally deleted that
picture of myself
in a wedding dress.
it's been three years
since it was bought for
me and i only wore
it once in that dressing
room but i still had
the photos
of me so happy
that i had found
"the one"
i thought i had
found "the one"
and now, three years
later i am alone
and i want to cry
for the memory of that
moment of joy is so
fleeting and so
cold in the back
of my mind.
three years of stale
memories washed up
in the blinking eyes
tears falling from my
cheeks, dreams leaking
under the door of
closed possibility.

will i ever love again?

The difference between
in love
and love
is a dispute through every relationship I have had.

Poindexter says;
the greatest second you will
ever have on this earth is
the exact moment you fell
in love.

I remember, looking at your face
through a computer screen
and reminiscing on our moments
and I remember that moment;
you were laying on the bed
yellow wallpaper
orange mattress
faded sheets
bare back to me
freckle constellations
and I touched you
and fell in love.

and you said, "I love you"
and I pretended I couldn't hear you just so you would say it again
"******, of all the times to cut out, THIS is when it does?!"
I smiled.


I remember another moment
another human
laughing
bright smile
hair long and sheen
slender and poised
boots
leggings
eye contact
and I fell in love

and you said, "Do you love me?"
and I ran away.
Heated face.

On your bed, another human
you said the words
and I had already fallen
and been in that vulnerable state for weeks
already said I loved you in french
to which you said, "No, don't say that"
"Too soon"
And you were leaning against the wall
guitar in your lap
fingers strumming
staring at me tenderly
"I love you"
"What?" I said.
I ran again.
and now, empty handed

uncomfortable in my next encounters
shying away
even more venomous am I now.
Disgusted with love
and with being in love.
Wanting anything but.

you leaning over me
"Because, I love you."
and me saying carefully
"I'm in love with you."
discomfort in my body

Not wanting to waste precious words again
but I did anyway
throwing them about.
just like I threw others about
tearing up hearts
relentlessly.
tearing up lives
effortlessly.
tearing up people
nonchalantly.

a dangerous siren.
remembering each moment
she fell in love
and wondering;
was it real?

The crimson wax burns onto the edges
and I press down to close the letter shut.
My eyes are focused intensely.
The emblem beneath my hand
shows the crest of my family name.
Enclosed in this parchment
are the last of my words to you.
I will send no more letters,
no more sighs,
no more abrupt sobs.
It's all in here and it's all closed.
Handing the letter over to you,
I gaze into your cold stare
and shudder.
Your eyes still make me melt
and my stomach turn.
Place me as a seal upon your heart
as I have placed you upon mine.
Forever and ever I will remember
your voice,
your tears,
your smell.
Burn me into your mind
as you have been burned into mine.
Never forget those words I have spoken
Never forget the touch
or the warmth of my hand.
Place me,
as I have placed you.

i want to scream at the top of the world
and proclaim to the people
that you are the one i love
but i sit at the base of the mountain
with my legs crossed over each other
breathing deeply into my lungs
patiently waiting for the trees to fall
around me and upon deafening ears.
you bring out something inside of me
that i don't believe i've ever felt before
and yet, this feeling is terrifying
for i fear its longevity and weight.
but there is a calmness in this chaos
for in the center of the storm is peace
and i find it quite nice to be sitting here
with you beside me as i calculate the stars
and how they aligned to get me here with you.
compassionate eyes rest on you and i give
my most vulnerable self to your open palms.
how much my open heart bleeds for your love
and yet, how much i want to wrap it up
and store it away for you to never see.

but you've had that key round your neck
and you unlocked me from the very start
my soul got outta the box,
the second you held my hand in the car
the second(s) you played your favorite song(s) for me
the second you opened your closets
and allowed those skeletons to scatter
the second you laid on me and fell asleep
with my hands in your hair
the second you looked at me with truth
and told me you loved me, really.
the second you held me all night long,
in a way that i've never been held before
the second you put on those cheap sunglasses
to hide your poker face
the second you let go of your fear
and let love take over
the seconds in between our silences
the seconds in between our kisses
the seconds in between our meetings
the seconds in between dumb jokes
and stupidity and reckless abandon
the seconds in between our competitive stares
the seconds in between one song and the next
the seconds of peeling back another layer
of who we truly are...

poindexter says: the greatest second of your life,
is the moment you fall in love
but i have a contrast and complex feeling about this
because we fall in love many times in our life
so rather, the greatest seconds of my life
are the ones i'm spending with you.
regardless of the fear i hold deep
there is something special about you
and something special about this --
i don't know what it is yet, but as I've learned
i don't need to know everything
and that is the greatest lesson of them all.

it sits on my lips
waiting to spill out
marks of old books
on my heart, black.
ink on the page
remember what you said
before in that old store
in New Orleans

i am bored of the same scenario
routine
cycle
of the cloned relationships i find
and seek
and devote my time into
continuing the patterns
of heart shaped bruises
on my chest and knuckles.
i feel as if i am outside of myself
looking down at my small frame
strong on the outside
but feeling weak on the inside.
i see myself, holding onto the cage
of this dream and desire to simply
be loved as i am
and not as i am wished to be
not by anyone
but just by me.
for the desires of a partner
are long gone
washed away by years of tumultuous
relationships and false promises,
that idea is jaded and lost
and replaced by the solid gold
concept of loving myself.
that pendant wrapped around my neck
choking me but also
somehow giving me the perspective
that loneliness is my freedom right now.
i wish to wake up to myself
and say,
"thank you for existing, me."

that will be the best day of my year

The clouds in the sky are fluffy runs
With the imprint of skis passing through them
In perfectly rounded patterns of the experienced skier
And in zig zags of someone who may not be so inclined.

I drive to my next task, the sun burning my face with intensity
And I breathe in the cool spring air that juxtaposes the blazing star.

It's so beautiful and yet so dim.
Those memories fill my mind with a thick smoke of remorse and regret.
Beautiful images turn to ugly truths as I drive down 95.

I turn on the music to hear a good song,
Hoping that my playlist of feel good music will help to lift the burden.
And yet, I'm still caught thinking about you
Amid the overbearing wash of depeche mode.

I love their songs as much as I love you still. It's a forever love that even after weeks of not thinking and not listening, I still return to that hollow yet comfortable place.

My mind rolls on to other thoughts as I roll the window down to aid the wind in caressing it's fingers through my hair. I allow nature to substitute for you.

I only wish the rays from the sun would be as gentle as your touch once was and not harsh like the words that were spoken between us.
And I wish the clouds did not form into such shapes as to remind me of that smirk you held as you skied beside me, so proud of my progress.
And I wish the wind was you instead of simply just being wind.

But instead, as I drive and think all these wishful thoughts, there is not an element to nature that can dry my tears like you.

I sob as the sun presses and the clouds move. The wind continues to caress me and I can only accept the little bit of solace I get from it.

God bless the wind.

should have screamed it
from the moment
i began to search
for the answers
to life's questions.

tried to find meaning
in the relationships
i formed
and therefore
sought meaning in
myself

but the gospel
the truth is
no one holds the key
to your heart
nor do they hold
the answers to your soul

the truth is
inside you all along
but you have to let go
to find it
so, if you love me, let me go.

i know you're writing to me
but i can't bear to think
that you really gave me
a single one of your
precious thoughts.
for i am no longer the center
of your universal reach
nor will i be for a long time.
i made a vow to you
and i broke it into tiny
fragments of glass and
mirrored gemstones
all promises of a life i would
give you for an eternity
lies and more lies on top
of golden twisted lies.
and on top of those
false apologies and pleas.
i'm surprised you even
thought to have my name
cross your mind, for i
am not worthy to be on
your shores of soft sand
a sparkling ocean in your
eyes. you made me realize
my deepest fears and gave
me the most valuable lesson
to use things
and not people. for that,
i am eternally grateful
and for this separation i
wish i had the courage to
make a plea to the universe
but you are far from my grasp
and my loneliness now
is payment for the scarred
lips i left on your body.
forgiveness is not even something
i wish for any longer.
just eternal detachment from
this pain of seeing you
in a state of incredible joy
that is not coming from
my repaired and loving embrace.

honesty is the best policy
and honesty has been
hard to come by.
for some odd reason
truth is sought out
by only those who weep
and those who constantly
grace the world with smiles
end up the most dishonest
of all.

For life, as I've learned
is a balancing game
of crying deep into the night
and laughing pain away.
those who believe life is
all good and no pain
truly are the most dishonest.
and now, that I've finally
rested my eyes and opened
my heart to what the world is
the truth has truly set me free.
life is balance
and fervor of regret and regeneration
the bad creates the good
and the sadness pulls through
to happiness and strength
only with eyes wide shut
do we reach our golden
edge.

I am a child of the earth.
My God holds me in his arms
Gives me challenges
Always pulls me back up

I am a child of my mother
My God gave me breath
Gives me joy
Always brings me to freedom.

I am a free soul.
I channel my God.
I am the earth.
I am myself.
And you -

You tried to jail me
You tried to take away my God
in exchange for your own.
But you-

You lost.

I am free.

I will never kiss you again
and let you steal my spirit away.

it is so
that i cannot run
from the thing i wish for
the most in this life
stability and love
from a person who cares
wholly, fully, in depth
why is it that i need this
treasured feeling so deeply?
and why is it that prior
to these days i am spending
that when i came close to
that feeling of love and forever
i ran away and with a knife in their backs?
is it fear that paralyzes me to my ends?
or is it the raw feelings of love
that scatter my emotions to the bitter
ends of hades itself?
it is undeniable that i desire love
and it is undeniable that i hope for finality
ease, comfort, passion, someone to hold me
when the seas are really rough
my golden era is approaching
i feel it in the tips of my fingers
i am hopeful.
i am grateful.
i am here.

unravel my bandages
unroll my scarves
the ones that cover my scars
carefully, unstitch me.
piece by piece, undo
all that has been done.
help me lose my mind.
for the feeling of craze
is something, indeed..
i crave.

Reverb into my bones
Shatter my fears
Tease my thoughts
Whispering fearlessness
Smoothed touch
Pulsating glances
Endless night
Senseless sunlight
Aching hearts
Dearest darkness

Inside of you and I.

the simplicity and ease
of loving you
gives me the hope and courage
that our bond is true

for unlike before
you see right through me
and you break down those walls
crack my core at sea

my heart breaks open
like a crystallized quartz
blushed in the center
bruised at the edge

delicate hands,
you push my hair aside
your eyes, copper discs searching
for meaning,
for answers.
finding solace in the places
you never sought
and finally, some great reward
beckons you forward and you grip it
i, behind you, gently taking your arm
ready for the leaps and bounds
across mountains and seas
hoping, knowing, finally,
that you are the one for me.