Southern moonlight with arrogant stars
shining down upon my pale cheeks

How I wish I could just have an easier time
dealing with things like love and war.
I'm not one to question the way the universe turns
Instead, I simply let it happen and do my part

I let those stars grin and cackle
I let that moonlight ease my mind
I just let it happen, whatever it may be.

But just because I bow to the winds
of the ever changing storm...
No, it does not mean I will falter in my ground.
I stay rooted here on this earth,
with infinite space above me.

Never touching. Never burning. Never suffocating.

After all the experiences I've had,
my feet lifted off the ground,
I have learned an important lesson -

Never. Never. Never.

Never be lifted so high up
that if you are dropped
you may break and die.

Never be lifted so high up
that if you are stuck
you can never get down.

No matter how beautiful that moon is
Guard your heart.

No matter how enticing the stars
Guard your soul.

And when you give yourself to the universe
and you are spat back down,
NEVER let those same constellations
con you into an even deeper black recess.

Only take those strong and gentle,
and let them guide you and give
them, give them your love and attention
for they are the true providers of beauty,
and kindness, and unselfish love.

I look up again at the moon,
and smile as it beams back.

I stand on the rocks by the river,
soaking in the wisdom and peace
the leaves rustle in anticipation

The waterfall brings in the
newest, freshest, cleanest water
and I drink it all in.

I place a silver ring, given to me before,
on my heart and I say a prayer;

"This is for you, for all of you, who have trampled me."

And I clench my fist,
and laugh out loud,
and I throw it into the river.

"May no one ever find you."

I walk home with tears running down my face.
The moon smiles at its good little witch of the south
and urges me to run once again.

I do it. I run.
A slave to love.
A slave to good intention.
A slave to this beautiful life.
A slave to my own pride.

"May no one ever find you."

i’m used to this
being cast aside
for another.
so don’t fret,
darling.
i’ll be fine
as i always am.
you’ll be another
scar on top
of another scar
which seals my heart.
and i’m sad because
i won’t tell you good morning
and i won’t write you
into my poetry
and because
i won’t kiss you
or touch you
or know you
any longer because
you are confused
or figuring it out
but i am sad.
i wish my eyes were half-shut again
where i couldn’t see
anything but you
but this is not the case now
for you are like leaves in the wind
falling gold in autumn.

i think i give up
loving.
i think i give up
trying.
i’ll be quiet now.
and maybe
for the next few years
to come.

i have a vision in my head
of the person you will be
with your long, delicate fingers
and with your love of the sea

i see you in my dreams
daisies sprouting round your feet
for wherever you walk,
there, always the stars meet

aligned in some fashion
the coat of orion bright
and your eyes sparkle gently
in the low, dim lights

i have a vision in my mind
of you, laying across my bed
your body an open book
just waiting to be read.

how i could kiss those lips
so thin and ripe with thought
how i could kiss that forehead
if only this love could be bought

from the store or down the street
i promise, anything i would give
just to have that vision in my head
come right to life and live

I have vivid dreams of you,
wrapped around me.
One moment you're there,
the next; gone.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
Like I do most nights.
And I talked to you
and it was so sweet hearing the honey pour from your lips
and so relieving to see a smile again.
For though I thought loneliness would be the answer
to keep you safe and sound
and to protect myself...
This is not the truth; it has only made my journey more difficult
especially now that I can only speak to you in dreams.
Only in dreams can I share with you my secrets,
my desires,
my hopes,
my fears.
For of all the people I've met in this lifetime...
You were the only one who has understood me the most.

Maybe I'll be stuck in this purgatory forever
Looking for you in every woman I meet
Maybe I'll only be able to ever speak to you in my dreams
Looking forward to those nights where I can feel free once again.

I talked to my mentor; told her what I did to you
blamed myself
blamed everything I did wrong
my stupidity
my insecurity
and all she could offer
was that I shouldn't have burned my bridge

and I sit back and look at it still smoldering
just like those glances you gave me at the airport.
Filled with pain,
anxiety
betrayal.
How dare you.

How dare I indeed...
to take such purity of heart and give it away hoping it would help
but only destroying what was most precious to me.
How dare I.

How dare I take your trust and burn it.
Never trying to hurt intentionally
but always slicing so deep...and deeper...and deeper.
Until three times was the charm
and you only meet me at night
in my vivid dreams
where we can speak
with no pain
no sadness
no concept of betrayal
just us
just us
just us
just me.
only me
awake
wanting
to
be in...
in my vivid dreams...

with
you.

You don't understand me
You don't understand
my wandering love
My desire to adore the earth
to seek all truth
all music and all humans
You don't understand me.
You never have.
Even though I thought you did.
For a split moment, I thought
maybe this was IT.
But AGAIN, I was wrong.

Because simply
You don't get it. You don't get me.

So far, in my life
Only one soul
has understood
me.

Radiant as the stars in the sky
blushing in the roses
clear as crystal – blue oceans in the mind.
Only one.
Lost to the sounds of the outside.
Lost to me in more ways than one.

But it's ok
It's alright.

Because what is meant to be
Will.

And here I go, jumping into the depths
once again.
On a new adventure
Because THAT is who I am.
And you don't get it.
And that's ok.
You don't need to.
I don't need you.

I only need me.

You don't get it.
You will never get it.
Only she will.

logical love
isn't my forte
and neither is
the concept of
loving lightly.
when i choose you
you are the one
thing i will think
of every second
of every day
and even when
i'm selfish and leave
you, the chosen
will never leave
my mind, for years
and years to come.
until finally,
i've loved myself again.
and then, right after
i find another chosen
soul to fill the desire
to completely love
and passionately
dedicate my feelings
this act of service
this act of dedication
comes with a price
for my own sanity
sometimes risks itself
and the fear that creeps
into my bones when
commitments arise
have kept me from
really and truly
loving another

but now, you,
i didn't choose
for you followed me
and pursued and made
me feel, for the
first time in my life,
truly wanted.
someone who
believed in me
and in everything
i stand for and
stand against.
and someone who
saw things in me
i couldn't see before
and who loyally
displayed their heart
on the flannel sleeve
of my favorite red shirt.

you, never have i felt
this wanted by another
human and such an incredible
force of care and love
towards me, even in my darkest
hours of pain and depression.
you pull me into you
through mind and body
and shield me, even from myself.

you know me,
better than i think i know myself.
and knowing what you do
you see what i cannot
and you give me a sense
of security, understanding,
and support that i've never had.

trust in me, my darling,
that this partnership
will set the world aflame
for the two of us
can only bring light into
this darkening world.

Music to my ears, the rush of water un-
mistakingly caresses my hand. I re-
member looking at my hand close to yours wishing
maybe you'd hold it and see.

Graciously, you leapt to me and be-
grudgingly I floated away.
Gracefully, you closed your heart and like
glass I shattered you, but still you stay.

Soft against you, I push and pull.
Straining to escape what I had begun
Simply because the answer was yes
So now my eyes blink hard in the sun.

I swim to you, but you're too far now
I have lost all hope of holding you
I submerge into the coolness of your gaze
I desire so much to be, not one, but two.

Licensed diver, I went too far
Longing now to swim to the very deep
Longing to dive into you, close to your heart
Living with your ghost, it's close enough to sleep

You, in my veins, pressure on my body
You, in my heart, pressure on my soul
You, in my mind, unlocking the chest
You, in my body, one with the wind you become.

when you're not sad
is it because you're so blinded
by being so busy
and being so involved
that you cannot see what truly torments you?
are you so absorbed into others
that you forget yourself
and come to find that your heart
is actually bleeding badly?
what do you do with that
cover with more things
or alcohol or love or ***
or jesus christ?
what really solves it?
but solitude and time to feel
but how to gain that solitude
when you're never alone?

Though the sun has barely set,
the course for tomorrow has already begun.
I imagine you putting on your armor
to embrace the night.

Though the sun has just gone down,
the course for battle has already begun.
I imagined you fighting
to keep me away.

Though the night has fallen now,
the course for pilgrimage has already begun
I see myself crawling through the grass
searching for your armored figure.

Though it is now midnight,
and the sky is pitch black
I see your figure dancing in the moonlight
taunting me to come closer.

Though it is now past 1,
and the moonlight is bright and vivid
I see myself edge closer to you
trying to beg for mercy

For it is not battle I wish any longer
For it is not pain I wish for you, any longer
For it is not what I wanted from the start
so now I am here, at your feet, with you and your sword

And you place the blade upon my shoulder,
and you pull every so slightly,
to cut into my skin
revealing my blackened blood
which then turns red as I look into your gaze.

You mouth words to me,
that are so floral and elegant
and you say to me those words I've been
dying, to hear.

For this love, it is what I wished for
from the moment I knew who you were
For this love, it is what I hoped for
from the moment you knew who you were

And now I lay at your feet
a saint with a past
and a sinner with a future
Admittedly imperfect
Admittedly cruel
Kissing the warm earth
where you walk.

If my father had never left my mother
If my mother had taken me away
If my grandparents had never raised me
If people had never made fun of me
If I had never found out about music
If I had continued to push myself into harm
If I didn't experience pain
If I didn't have to be in those terrible relationships
If I didn't see the error of the church
If I didn't understand what it means to be alone
If I didn't experience hate

I would never know love the way I do.

If I had one wish,
it would be for the sun to never set.
For darkness to never fall on the pale skin of my uncovered body.
For all of life to rely on pure light and never dark.
For my skin to turn bright; rose and tangerine.
Instead of pale, sinking eyes with a translucent scarf of plum
covering my arms and wrapping me in it's embrace.
What would it be like
if roses bloomed purely for the enjoyment of my eye?
instead because it was just "what they did"
What would it be like
if I would bloom purely for the enjoyment of my eye?
instead of blooming for the hand of another.

If I had one wish,
it would be for the grass to turn into a sea
that I could jump into.
evergreen, lemon, and icey...soft waving blades
not cutting, just caressing
as I make my final bows at the edge of my stage.
For darkness to never fall upon my sea of escape
would be bliss.
and my skin would still be ivory with blotches of color.
instead of clothed in royal robes
that are transparent and failing.

If I had one wish,
it would be that my mind could be open to those around me
an open box
to pull out various thoughts, and spoken words
but always keeping the unpleasant ones for myself
locked away in a filing drawer.
locked away from the eyes of my beloved.
The key would be glittering gold and would be kept under my tongue
Until I spit it out onto the grass, blood.
As the night comes again.
Hoping no one will find it.

I can run no longer
from this soul inside of me
Clawing to be let out
Clawing to be free

I can shroud myself no longer
Letting my clothing deceive you
For I am simply a wolf
in a sheep skin of a fool

I have led you to the pasture
to take you into my breast
only to claw your throat out
and leave you to the rest

You cry out in pain
and say, "I thought you loved me."
But I can only stare at the blood
and turn away to flee.

This person I've become
is not who I've wanted to be
This wolf inside of me
Is dying to be set free

I'm tired of hiding
and hot from the wool
Please just let me out
You silly, ignorant fool.

You're just another girl I ******.
You're nothing more than a girl
I ******.
I was to say this to you.
I want you to hear it.
Day after Day
in your head
until it drives you crazy.
Because
it's becoming more and more
apparent to me
That you do not DESERVE
who I am
what I am

You're just another girl I've ******.

there you were,
standing in your
yellow aura
and i blinked.
and all that was
left was this gold dust,
shimmering
and the ethereal
shadow of what
we could have been.

i loved you.
i still love you.
i always will.

the sunshine of your
smile will be imprinted
in the palette of my mind
as the softest and brightest
of daffodils.
your eyes will be
painted with
aureate flecks
and chocolate
and your hair a collective
shade of the deepest
parts of my soul, dark
and distinct against
the daylight
that collapses

                    to
         its
            
knees
when it reaches your cheeks.

I outline you in my heart
with the clearest acryllic
so as not to ever forget
your form and the
way that it nestled to mine.

You, my darling
are the color that I used
to despise the most,
because that color represents
a part of me I could
never understand and love
before I met you


my forever sunflower.

You and I
we will capture the sun
in our hands and feel
the starlight on our backs
bare to the moon and
smooth against the earth.

You and I
we will go into the
darkness of life
with our hands held tightly
like the knitted trees in the
most dense forests on earth.

You and I
we will see to the world
aiding in its development
of compassion as a living
breathing mechanism
this is our choice.

This is my choice.
To allow this love to consume
my very being and to shut
out those voices from everywhere
telling me what to do
and how to do it.
who to love.
who to hate.

This is my choice.
Un-wavered by the sounds of
all the world around me.
Like a pillar, I stand in
conviction that this love
is mine to cherish
and adore
and nourish.

Conviction is my choice.
You and I.
my choice as well.

The noise is everywhere --
but here in my permanent mind
I choose for it all to be quiet
and for it to just be
You and I.

It rings in my ears
as I see your pictures displayed on my screen
It rings in my heart
as I see your name displayed on that playbill
It resounds in my soul
as I feel my eyes water with tears
It feeds into my mind
as I cry over you and your return to music.

I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your name would still be on my lips
I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your voice would still be in my mind
I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your voice would be back on the stage
And yet, I see your name there and I weep for joy.

I weep because I was afraid I had ripped music
away from your life
I weep because it is not the case any longer
I weep because I know you are over me
I weep because you are happy and I am not.

I hear your song, forever imprinted
I feel your body, forever felt.
I feel your soul pushing farther and farther away
Scrambling, fighting, resisting my call...
My call for another chance, for a seventh one, for an eighth
or however many I have begged for again
and again.

I weep because I know you will never see this
I weep because your love is gone
and my heart is empty.

As empty as the ski slopes early in the morning
As empty as the theater after the show
As empty as the alleyway where we parked the car
As empty as your home when all were gone
As empty as the roads, when they were covered in snow
As empty as our beer glasses
As empty as our summer days
As empty as those hours on skype when I was asleep
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you.

Empty.
Empty.
Empathy.
Never.
Felt.

"I can't do this anymore"
I hear.
"I can't handle this."
"I'm sorry."
Empty.
Empty. Empty.