The difference between
in love
and love
is a dispute through every relationship I have had.

Poindexter says;
the greatest second you will
ever have on this earth is
the exact moment you fell
in love.

I remember, looking at your face
through a computer screen
and reminiscing on our moments
and I remember that moment;
you were laying on the bed
yellow wallpaper
orange mattress
faded sheets
bare back to me
freckle constellations
and I touched you
and fell in love.

and you said, "I love you"
and I pretended I couldn't hear you just so you would say it again
"******, of all the times to cut out, THIS is when it does?!"
I smiled.


I remember another moment
another human
laughing
bright smile
hair long and sheen
slender and poised
boots
leggings
eye contact
and I fell in love

and you said, "Do you love me?"
and I ran away.
Heated face.

On your bed, another human
you said the words
and I had already fallen
and been in that vulnerable state for weeks
already said I loved you in french
to which you said, "No, don't say that"
"Too soon"
And you were leaning against the wall
guitar in your lap
fingers strumming
staring at me tenderly
"I love you"
"What?" I said.
I ran again.
and now, empty handed

uncomfortable in my next encounters
shying away
even more venomous am I now.
Disgusted with love
and with being in love.
Wanting anything but.

you leaning over me
"Because, I love you."
and me saying carefully
"I'm in love with you."
discomfort in my body

Not wanting to waste precious words again
but I did anyway
throwing them about.
just like I threw others about
tearing up hearts
relentlessly.
tearing up lives
effortlessly.
tearing up people
nonchalantly.

a dangerous siren.
remembering each moment
she fell in love
and wondering;
was it real?