Wash off your skin
like all the thoughts are going along
down the drain
You are not these voices in
your head
You are not the fear
forming in your heart
Or the knots
tying in your stomach
from what they said

You're more
there is love in your soul
that deserves
to be accepted

You deserve
to be accepted

Random flash backs take over my mind
and the pit in my chest comes back
why did the moon bring us at the same place
at the same time

I know it wont be the last time
my only hope is
next time i'll feel stronger

Maybe you could see that on me
a strong surface
avoiding your pressence
but inside
a part still aches for you

You're still on mind
even though I don't want you there
I keep feeling like soon you'll appear
trying to prepare myself
for the attack
this does to my heart

i wonder why i still dwell
why i still even care
unable to walk away after all that was done

i believe i was really the one
that you loved enough to want to be different
and this makes it all hurt again
because i wish i could have been
that you were ready
and you took the chance
to be better

It's time to be truthful
i know i don't desire
a relationship with you

I do know
I will never forgive you for
breaking us
taking away
every smile we shared
and it's almost like
I don't want you to forgive yourself
either

Like I want to know
you'll always regret
throwing it all away
for your demons
to be satisfied

Time ago when your skeletons jumped out
your closet
i ran
took the first ticket i could find
away from that broken home
to a city of lights and comfort by the bay
I can remember holding back tears
in the cab to my hotel
wishing it was you next to me
instead of an empty seat being filled
by my sorrow

this weekend I went back
to that same city
of a cold breeze and bread bowls
and i thought of you for a moment
how shredded my heart was in my
previous time here
the moments I couldn't stop checking my phone
waiting to see your name

then my heart felt filled
with pride and love
for myself
letting you go
and sewing the shreds together
enjoying the beauty
I couldn't see
through clouded eyes

Looking back on this year
i could say it has been the worst one yet
because of what you did
and the parts of myself
i had to lose

Though today I look in the mirror
and i see someone completely
different
than before
i have never known the girl inside this skin more
skin that is becoming soft and clean
of the deep dark waters
she had been dragged in to

it might of taken every inch of my bones
but I pulled myself out
proudly so

I'd like to think of myself as
a confident woman
I've worked hard to get there
fighting through the pressures of society
talking myself out of the negative
thoughts of my appearance
It took me a long time
to look in the mirror
and be able to walk away
satisfied
sometimes I'm not
but, that's okay.

If all the women in the world
could see themselves for the beauty
we are born with in our bones
and we used this to our strengths
to stop the evil from tearing us down
men like you
would never stand a chance

So I hope for all the women who are convinced
to be victims
see the gleaming crystal
held in our chests
and walk away

I've learned
cheating probably turns you on
you know its wrong
yet you do it for
the small satisfaction
that maybe you can get away with such betrayal
because you've seen it pulled off before
accompanying denial
mom stayed
hidden behind what you're supposed to be
faithful
To get the fix
on what your childhood eyes
taught you was normal
it comes with your program

How did I never see
the evil person behind the deep green eyes?
You had me so fooled
in your game of manipulation
I wish I could've seen the signs
or of been less blind

She told me how you made her do things
she said she didn't want to
How you had her so wrapped in your game
believing you loved her too
That time you kept going
after she said stop

How ******* dare you
crawl in bed with me
make love to me
convince me.

Fooling everyone
to think you're a better person.

Hi Everyone,

I've slowly been trying to make my writings and poetry more public. I've decided to begin posting some of my writings on a tumblr page : www.tumblr.com/blog/lunalourdes

It'd be much appreciated if you'd take a look/share. I love receiving any kind of feedback.

Thank you <3

I wonder what the next one will be like
I wonder if you'll ever tell her
About me
About what you did
If you do,
I'm curious if you'll blame me it on me
The same way I've blamed myself.

Will you make her believe?
Are you going to be as convincing?
Will she ever know you?
In the way I wish I did

I hope she can read your lies
Just as quick as they fall from your lips
I imagine she'll be able to see the glitch on your shoulder
That reads my name.

I know i have to
let you go

But that is the first and last thing
I want to do

Go

I've had to speak to my heart
tell her it's okay to still feel the slits
I was gentle with her
made sure she knows
i love her

I asked her to please see
beyond the surrounding walls
understand the strength she has
to take them down

How do I stop

Caring

All I want

Is to stop

The moments when I miss you
feel so cold
Who am I missing?

I never knew who you were
but I swear there were moments I did
I can still feel them
the pinch in my stomach from our hard laughs
the small tears that would fill our eyes when we'd say
you're the one
your breath against my neck
when you'd pull me close

Then the ball forms in my throat
because I don't know if those moments were real, baby
*only you do

i saw you
and pretended like i didn't
went on as if I forgot about you
i haven't
you said that's what you wanted
so you could move on
we don't know each other from hereon
it hurts this is what we've come to
deep down,
we both know we'll always remember
knowing we could have gone further
the same feelings of our goodbye
every time i get another glimpse
of your eyes

I have to stay away
Be stronger
Break free of the hold
You have on me

You're really not that special anymore
But I'm starting to see
That I might be

Fact:** You never existed

realizing this was enough closure.
enough to push me forward.

i will not be your victim

the day that i've been dreading
has come
you've moved on
you're really gone

i've had time to heal
I've never been sure about how i'd feel
to see you tell someone else
you love them

maybe it'd sting less if
two weeks ago you
didn't tell me too
how you do still
and always will

bittersweet
now I know i'm free
i don't have to feel bad anymore
but i'll always know, in my core
i wanted it to be us

You hid your addictions from me
Did I mean that little?
I didn't need to know about your sicknesses
That could have hurt me?

Did you think I would run?

I can promise you one thing
I wouldn't have.

You cross my mind
Toon often
We’re both looking into
A new set of eyes
With each other’s still
In the back of our minds
Our truth settling in
That maybe we can never be again

I’m trying to remember our reality
Of what we were
An obsession
A drug
Our heart break still creeps in
Though I️ hope to be stronger
Stand against hurt
Knowing your heart still feels mine
Falling weak
Where are you in the world
Sweet man
What do does my soul need to do
To see yours in my dreams again?

Wanting you to hate me
Make it easier to stay away
Be with your lover
But I️ know she doesn’t look at you
The same way
I️ am the one who wanted to stay
Stick around forever
You’ll always make me wonder
What would’ve happened
If we fought through the thunder

I’ll always keep you in my heart
Imagine your smile,
Like an old work of art
You don’t want to hear from me
Allow your life to grow
It breaks my heart to say
But I️ know
I️ need to let you go

Eyes in front of mine
that i know only
see me
maybe even
for who I am

I'm looking back
and yet
all my mind sees is you

What have we done to each other
By continuing to hold on.
She told me not to be so ******* myself
"Been there, done that"
One day I'll heal the same way she has.

Mom had a hard loss
With the love of her life
She described her feelings for him
The same way I do for you
That big love
Feeling like the winner
A hurt so deep
She could die

She said she never loved like that again
Not even with Dad
Her mistakes made her strong
The walls grew too tall
Someday soon, I'll let you go
Just like Mom

Guilt comes over me
because I don't know why I do this
moments of my ego being fed only hurts others
I don't want to be this person

The kind of girl who has no interest
but pretends to
only for the sake of feeling wanted

So I begin to lie to get out of a situation
that I know will only mess with your mind
I know you don't believe me
but this is for you

I know you're good
You have a great love
I know because I've felt it
but I'm gone now
and you don't deserve
to be used

I can feel my heart
coming to terms
holding my head high
that I'm worth something
loving all the dark parts
of my mind
seeing the beauty
life has given me
the blessing I have
adoration for the two legs that hold me up
and walked away from you

No longer will i only
write for you
I know there may never be a
final piece about you
But no longer
will you be my only muse

This broken piece I still carry
the one that fits in the empty
space of your heart
has grown too heavy
and it's time
to leave it be

The time has come
for me to mend my heart
without your name slipping through
its cracks

I've come to the truth
this isn't about you
but about me
how I hurt
and how I loved

It has nothing to do with you
it's only me recovering
and I can feel you slipping
out my heart
I feel sorry

because I promised to love you
forever

expressing my thoughts
and feelings
i've come far
i deserve to show it
feel it
live in it

we all fall
i have too many times for me
to feel proud any more
but i am returning
to my heart and soul
still running from the darkness

I knew you were setting me up
to say the things you wanted to hear

I haven't moved on
He's no one special
I miss you

My heart can see through the manipulation
now
A little game you play
to stroke your ego
How much deeper
did you want to cut me
this time?

**He is someone special

My own fingers going up and down my skin
while I map out every inch
of my body that i don't like
Other women begin to roll through my mind
like a slideshow
which leads me to think
why cant I look like them?

Before I would have been the girl
who lets these thought control her
skipping the next meal
but today I know I am not that girl
because I look like me
and I am beautiful
with all the scars

I knew it was real when i faced her
she is your blood
she loves you
I could see her heart hurt for me
but there was no surprise in her eyes
she knew this day would come,
though she hoped it wouldn't

We went through the events in your life that could have lead up to this
why didn't you ever tell me
She held me
i think she hurt because
she believed I made you better

I love her
as if she was my blood
but when the word
run
came off her lips
I knew that meant
this life I've built
that she was a part of
was over

The sad thing is
I know you'll stay away
you wont come
unless I call
you let me lead you around circles
hoping that one of these times
i'll agree to stay
i never do

It was like nothing happened
we never hurt
or cried
I never broke
sitting across from you
trying to figure out what goes on in your mind
when you see me

The sad thing is
each time
I want you to make me feel
glad that you're gone
but I never do
because I really do see you
and all you are capable of living
all that we were capable of having

You continued to say
you wish this never got here
that you never became lost
I wish that too, peach
but for whatever reason
we aren't meant to be
in this life

I can see the loss hurts
us both
you lost what you say was your
true love
and i was forced to turn away
neither of us got
what we wanted

I'm becoming tired
of hurting
and missing
still waiting
for something
i don't even know

It's so sad
how we pretend like we don't know
each other
like you never saw
my heart
As if we never shared a home
or a life

You drove by me
like you never hurt me
As if there wasn't ever a day
that I didn't love you

We're strangers now

Today
I almost caved
From the moment I woke up
I knew I wanted to talk to you
no clue what would of been said
but i wanted to see you in our game again

Struggling with the temptation
i typed out an email
I hope you're okay
almost hitting send I felt something in my heart
how disappointed I will be in myself
for relapsing
because that's what we were
a drug

Closing out the screen
i felt further from you than before
a little bit more healed
the illusion of you
fading

Maybe you aren't okay
and that's your fault

Take a look at yourself
are you proud?

Now imagine
if you would of kept your heart
pure

What we could have been

The closer I become
safer I feel
to my someone new
the more your face shows in my brain
Could it be that I can feel you missing me
its like you're taunting me
every time i leave him

Showing up to remind me
what happened
don't make the same mistake twice
I can hear
it was your fault
maybe it was
maybe it's best to keep my distance

For years you had me as your pawn
why is it wrong for me to want to feel the love of someone
pure?
he may not be
the chances fear me.

You made me scared.

So why
do I feel sorry that you had to see me
with someone else
Why
do I want to call to make sure you're okay

Maybe because we both know
that this was the moment
when you realize
you've lost me

What will be
of my body?
She is strong, and beautiful
she is unique in her own way
and holds a life just as precious
as any other

What will become of her
in this world?
a piece to look at
like trash on the side of the road
rather than a work of art hanging on
a tall wall

Will she be spoken to
with aggressive words?
rather than with words of
care and love

And the other bodies?
Will they grow to only be weak
and fall for a world
of unrealistic expectations

She is beautiful
we carry a voice
that will never be turned off

He see's me in a way
I don't think any one ever
has before.
He says my strength
through what you did to me
makes him love me
He tells me all the little
things I find ordinary
about myself
are beautiful
There's even moments when
i catch him staring
and a feeling in my chest
forms
fluttering, it seems

He is such a great gift
after opening empty
promises
Like he slipped through the
few cracks
that were left on my broken heart
to heal the parts of it
I couldn't

I see his eyes
and my stomach gives me that feeling
like its falling from the clouds

But my mind tells me
it's too soon

*there is still healing to be done

Maybe I know it's coming
That you're going to try
To reach me again

And I don't know what I will do.

Today you told me to be strong
that you know i am strong
it's so ironic this is coming from you
because you're the reason i have to be
the one who made me crack
i'll never understand why i keep
letting you in
after it all

i guess i still want to know
that you care
you see me

It has been
one of the most gorgeous sites to see
how strong she has become
the beauty that pores out of her
and her heart pounding through her chest
ready to be seen
for who she is
a warrior

A true survivor
from your war
I never would have imagined
it be her hand
that helped me up
when you brought me to my knees

I stand with her.