My arms tell a story nobody likes to hear

I'm scared to death
Of next month
Of spending our 2 year
Anniversary
All alone

See stupid carefree pictures
on stupid facebook
All those girls who are so pretty
they don't even have to try

Taste you on my lips
so long since we last kissed,
And all those **** girls
who don't even have to try.

You're holding them instead of me
voluntarily making promises
and reluctantly saying goodbye
those girls who don't even have to try.

And I had to try,
push and scream and cry
for you and then I finally realized
I'll never be one of those girls.

I think I'm okay
and I want to once again try,
but I can't.
I shouldn't have to, just like them.

I don't know what I want
from you or out of you
Just don't be with anyone else.
Don't make me have to try.

Aren't I just as good?

Oh baby I can tell
You've got that self destructive
Streak in you

You like to drink hard liquor
Without any chasers
Smoke too many cigarettes
And dip if you're offered
You'll try any drug
At least once
But marijuana and Molly
Are your favorites.

Staying sober isn't on your agenda
Because when you're intoxicated
Life is a blur, a movie

Your tumblr is littered
With too skinny girls
Who you wished you looked like
And pictures of
******* **** and *****
Are every other repost
And inbetween them are soft little
Poems about being alone
Or being in love

And you've never felt so empty

Anybody want to follow me on twitter?
You can if you like
I can't get a **** picture on
Cause it's stupid.
@hunnybooboo_98
Cause In real life
I'm a big *****
I'm a real faker
Surprise surprise

You've got a spot
On your neck
That I know my head
Could easily fit in.
My small warm hands
Would complete
Your big cold ones.
Why did god
Let you move
2,500 miles away from me?

I love the way he fills me
And ***** me like he hates me
I love the way he grabs my hair
And holds my hips so hard it hurts

Another drunken hook up
With a person I know all too well
Another "can't do that again"
And regret burning in my chest
I wish Friday night would
Rewind
Hell, I wish
May 27th would rewind.
I need her, ******!
I need her.

Not too fat
But not that ****
A normal sized ***
And normal sized *****
Regular bottle blonde
And normal feet.
Kind of large thighs
And my arms are larger
Than I want them to be.

Everything about me
Is
Forgettable.

I could stick a blade
In my arm
And drag it across my skin
And not feel a thing

And she barely even looks at me
This girl I'm in love with
Walks right by me and into
Her new lovers arms

Today makes it 3 months
For me and him
But I'm crying cause that means
It's 2 months for
Her and her

Please stay
I love you and I need you
Please stay
I hear those words echoing in his voice
Every time he speaks

I cannot cry twice in a day
Over a relationship
That ended seven months ago
But here I am
Wiping away the tears
Terrified that next month
Was suppose to be
Our 2 year.
And we won't spend it together.

I love the word poison.
It entices me.
The way the o and the i
Just become round and full
Inside your mouth
And then are shut up
With the s
And you end the word
With your tongue pressed
To your teeth.

Scratch scratch
Scritch..
what the ****?


I wake up with claw marks
On my right arm..
I put them there.
in my sleep.
My ******* subconscious
Is into self harm.
Woohoo.

He tells me to tell him
When I am sad
But then I'd be telling him
Every day
Every hour
Every minute and second
I would tell him how I wished
I was dead
And he wouldn't understand
My sadness
And then he'd leave

I guess the best way to describe what I’m feeling is I’m in a crowd and we are all running but I keep falling down they step right over me panicked I’m panicking I feel their weight I can’t get up Im up I’m up I’m running again I’m getting away then I get shoved and ****** im back on the ground and it hurts worse every time it’s harder to get back up every time dejected when I fall and weaker when I get up

I wonder when I will finally just stay down
Give up the fight
Close my eyes

You have killed off
Every care but one;
You.

I just don't give a ****.
I'm tired.
Too tired to care.

Hearing your name,
Seeing it,
Twists my heart
Like a washcloth
And my will to live drips out
Of
It.

I'm too tired to drink about it.
Talk about it.
Smoke about it.
Cry about it.

I'm not on a self destructive path.
I'm just on an empty road,
With no curves or trees.

But life is what you make it,
Yet I'm afraid I can't make it
Without you

I don't want

to be
           wild and free


                                I want someone to actually care

I sit in the grass
With my eyes closed.
Feeling the green of summer
Come to me in warm wind.
Come, come, come
The trees whisper to me.

I fell asleep
Smiling at the moon
With the taste of flower petals
On my tongue

This is what hope tastes like

My stomach hurts
Up into my throat
I feel like throwing up
All the knives stabbing me
In the back

It's hard to smile
Sit still and be quiet
When all you want to do
Is throw your phone across
The room
Let it break into a million pieces
And have the person you love
Hold you
And whisper "I'm sorry"

So I pick up a book
And read words that
Make me feel something inside
Ones where I cry at the end
Just to make sure
I can even feel.

Because the way I'm feeling right now
Is NOT okay

Because tomorrow will mark a year since I've been without her

Because I can't bring myself to eat or else I get sick

Because I'm so ******* done with feeling nothing and I want to live life like there rest of them do

Because I want to laugh without feeling empty

It's been a long time since me and mykayla have been together. Been even longer since we could say "forever".

I'm laying down
With my head on her chest
As I write this
And her heartbeat is
Thumping steadily
In my ear,
Her breathing even
And slow.

And those three words
Get caught in my throat
Every time I
Look in her eyes

What's wrong?
What's wrong oh god whats wrong everything is wrong
Nothing is right
Unless I'm being held by someone
I cry for you
My souls reaches to you

******* SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE DO YOU UNDERSTAND?? MINE. NOT YOURS. SHE IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK CUTE FOR ME. SHE IS SUPPOSED TO COOK BREFAST FOR ME. GOD ******* ******. She's supposed to be mine, mine, mine.

And if I turn sideways
In the mirror
I look almost skinny enough
To be lovable

When you speak to me my teeth ache
Our sweet fantasy has begun to decay

I should move on
But I can't think of
You kissing somebody
The way you kiss me
I hate the fact
That you weren't the one

Sneaky obsessed *******-
If you don't like what I write
Get the ******* of it!
I only told you about this place
Cause I trusted you,
Cause I thought I loved you.

Don't you turn the words Im feeling
Into some kinda crime.
Don't get offended- its not meant for your eyes.

Its meant for mine.

Can’t catch a break or my breath
I’m going to die from all this stress

Thank you for
Curing me of my
Stupid obsession
With love.

Now ladies and gentlemen, an all too familiar tale of a broken hearted girl who ****** up....

Jump in a window, land on a bed.
Kick off boots, grab a bottle
Of raspberry-or watermelon-*****.
Drink it like its water.
Can't believe I saw her...
Can't believe I didn't kiss her.
No she doesn't want that

No she doesn't want you
And she doesn't know what she wants.
But I do.
And I can't have it...

So I keep on drinking and
Wash three Ritalin down.
The room is spinning,
There was never a rush of Ritalin,
Probably because I was drunk.

It snuck up, giving me drunk
Never-ending energy.
And amazing dancing abilities.

"Come, dance on Sammy Lindsey get it"
"Lindsey I want a lap dance"

Grinding bodies everywhere, laughter
And bass booming through our skulls.
Hours passed.
Hours passed.
Hours passed.
Without sleep.


Now, I have been awake since 7am Saturday.
It's 1am Monday.
**Ive been up for 42 hours

I feel your touch ******* everywhere
Get off my skin
And my lips
Leave me like the rest of you did
I don't want you anymore
SHE is all over you
I can't do it can't lay down
With a ghost of your arm draped around me

It's a scary thing to know
That you're goin nowhere in life
And you will end up
As a burnout
A fat piggy *****
Laying on the side of the street
Because you were too in love
To notice happiness.

She called me pitiful
She said I was desperate
Called me a *******

So I went to my room
And cried like the
Pitiful desperate *******
I am.

God,
I don't even know if I can
Say I love you anymore.
I think if I do,
It will come out
As an unsure question.
I used to say it all the time.
All the ******* time.

While she is off driving
To god knows where
I am at home crying
Wishing I could be there.

wine, cigarettes, and sin
What I wouldn’t give for a taste of that
Of you

Caught between wanting to run away
Wanting to stay
Terrified that either choice will leave me
Unfulfilled;
Wishing I had chosen the other.

I feel as if my life is a dream
Like I’m not really living it, really.
Maybe I’m watching it from afar,
Is this consciousness all there is to me?

The time to choose is slipping through my hands
Passing with birthdays and promotions
Anniversaries and holidays
Marking one more year
But one more year to what?

What is MY story??
What is MY existence?
More importantly,
What does my existence mean to me?
What do I want out of it?

For so long I had wanted to **** myself, but I didn’t.
Maybe I wanted to **** myself because I knew how sad my life would be.
Maybe I now know the choices I need to make because of that statement.

How do I keep the ugly feelings inside from coming outside and being okay with it deep down Im not. The ugly isn't dissipating its growing and I can't stop it anymore

Am I really that mean
Do I really have that much hate in my heart

I want to gut myself out
Like a goddamm fish
And write her name on my
Chest in my own blood
So everyone would know
Why I did it

Their smiles seem so
Promising and loving
But their eyes show nothing but greed
You can hear the soothing voice
Whispering lies into your ear
And you know
It's all just a game
On who can feel you
And who can use you
It's all on killing
Whats inside
All your happiness an hopes
All gone gone gone
For a bumpy kiss
On a bumpy road
Headed nowhere.

By the sweat of your brow
Will you have food to eat,
Until you return to the ground
From which you were taken.
For you were made from dust,
And to dust you will return.

This is the god I love
Who is vengeful
And is writhing in wrath
I love my angry god
I want to see him
**** all tendrils of evil
Swirling in people's hearts
And embrace them
In awe
As their hearts fill
With pure ecstasy
And realize how empty they have been
All along.