Dear god
Please tell me how to make it all go away without having to put a bullet in my brain.

I don't know what's so **** poetic
About drinking black coffee
And being depressed
What's so 'sad yet beautiful'
About crying in the rain
Because nothing about the hurt
Is beautiful
It's ******* pain
In your chest.
It's a sick stomach
And it's not eating at all
Or eating too much.

Nothing, nothing
Is poetic about it.
It's not beautiful.

It's ugly.
And it's there.
And it won't ******* leave,
No matter what you
Write about it.

Because the way I'm feeling right now
Is NOT okay

Because tomorrow will mark a year since I've been without her

Because I can't bring myself to eat or else I get sick

Because I'm so ******* done with feeling nothing and I want to live life like there rest of them do

Because I want to laugh without feeling empty

I remember one time
When we were *******
It was when that new song
"Ride" by SoMo had come out.
So you put it on and took me
Into the living room
And kissed me like you meant it.
We started on the couch
And then went into the kitchen
You bent me in half
Pushed it in
But something was wrong
I dropped to the floor, crying.
"Baby, what's wrong?" You asked,
Gathering me up in your arms.
I couldn't even answer,
I was crying so **** hard.
And it didn't even hurt anymore,
But I couldn't even walk
So we sat down on the couch
And I held you so **** close
And just cried
I haven't ever cried like that
In front of anyone, ever.
You just held me,
Let me cry, let me cry it all out.
To this day,
I still don't know why I was crying,
Or why I was begging you to
Just hold me.

Maybe I knew our end was coming soon
Somehow
In the back of my mind
I knew
Somehow.

It's a little bit scary
No--
******* terrifying
To know that
I can be the happiest person alive
For a moment
Then feel nothing at all the next

You're exactly the kind of girl
Who will give me amazing memories
Whispered secrets
Hickeys in spots only you can see
Then leave me
Act like it never happened
And be totally okay

And I'm so scared
Because you're the kind of girl
I promised myself I wouldn't fall for
But goddamnnit I haven't
Ever fallen this hard
In my life

I look at her
And wonder how
Such a perfect person
Could be created

I guess I always fall for
Blond hair
and
blue eyes