The bird outside my window
flew high the day you left me
he soared and cawed,
as if warning me
and urging me to walk away
but I didn't,
because love is a funny thing

He's been waiting on the sill
for me to open up
and gently shoo him away
but instead I lay in bed
twisting with pain and loss
dying a little more,
with every passing moment

That old bird never left me
he hangs around, lazily
waiting for me to let go
waiting for me to move on

But I can't
and I won't
because being bitter is too easy
and falling out of grace,
is a beautiful way to be

If you leave me now
Make sure you don’t come back
Close the door
On your way out
Of my shaky falling house
Walk away
From the place we made a home
And my mangled
Tormented
Body built for two

The roses turned the water red
And so I did as well
Cold weather
Reached my bones
And told me to let go
So I forgot to hold on
And how to love

Warmth doesn’t settle in me now
No matter how long I walk
Through the desert
I will still be cold

The sun doesn’t shine here
Not in this place
She’s afraid of the clouds
And the angry wind
So she stays away
Just like you
My love
She also couldn’t bear
To watch the destruction unfold

Goodbye my darling
I’ll be fine
Just pushing down the daisies
That grew from my little muddy heart
For only you
I’ll let them wilt inside my soul
And forget that they ever lived at all.

Let's take a drive girl
Just you and me
Get in the car, let's go!

Let's live life today
Live the way we want to
Let's follow dusty roads
Passed trees and fields and farms

Let's see something real
Tangible, something we can feel
Let's breathe in country air
Smoke cigarettes and sing loudly

I'll drive, be my co-pilot
We'll go somewhere and that's nowhere
A place we've never been
Let's live life today

I want to feel alive
I want to feel things
Real things
The blood rushing through my veins
I need to feel human again

Let's drive fast and get away
Drive far like we have somewhere to go
Laugh like big clouds
Smile like sky
Red car rumbling like my heart.

My heart beats for only you
How far this is from the truth
Not you, but the you I created in my head
Through careful thought and imagination

Your touch
Smile
And Whisper
But a soul I placed within
A shell of you
With something beautiful I slipped inside
Not really you at all

A being that looks like you
But thinks like me
And loves like something awesome
Pure, clean, and perfect

Something I obsess over
Want with the whole of me
I thrive for
Yearn for
I AM for
A thing I can never have
Because it never existed

Loving and adoring
Perfect soul for soul
Greatest God of God
Ever and forever the person that I want
A you that is not you

The cityscape paints a picture
Of a raw permeating truth
Something bigger and better than who I am
But it is me
Or at least I try and play pretend
Playing princess
In a dark forbidden castle
Locked away in the land of never ever

The streets are black and wet
Stained with putrid stank
Vile fluids and ghastly memories

Is this home?
This place where the sun doesn’t shine
Hidden away from all the beauty
A place completely human
Raw and angry
Like a fresh wound

Sweet smoke fills my lungs
Thank you, New York
For bringing me back to reality
For slapping me in the face
With life
With the insanity that made me sane
With the dizziness of drunken days
Days that were too short
Where night couldn’t wait to spread
Its darkness across the sky
And the moon dominated my sweet sun

Here in the city of death and despair
Is where I was born
I broke free of the womb that bound me
And I ran
I ran to get lost
And to be discovered
Thank you, New York
For taking me in
And becoming my cold, distant
Other mother.

It sings me to sleep
I let it take me every time
On the crest of a wave
It lulls me into loving bliss
She is my savior
I cling heavily to her voice
That moves through me and rocks me to my core
Please I plea on my knees
Take away this pain and make me clean
And she does
Just like she has
And she always will

I stumble in
Throw myself on the bed
And let my head sink into the pillow
She takes me away
To a place that’s green
Where I’m wearing white
And I can feel without hating
Run without falling

The moon sends light through my window
As she wraps herself around my
Tired, worn body
She presses me to her breast and I am whole
And I am safe
She is mine and I am forever hers
Lumen de lumine
Take me as I am and carry me to the light

I guess I've been trying my best,
to avoid this
to keep the beast from waking
and to stop the noise,
before it gets too loud

But it's coming,
just like it always does
and I can't hide from it now.

No, spring
won't come soon enough
to save me from the winter's wind
and its deafening chill.

My skin is dry.
I watch it crack and peel,
flake and fall down,
roll off my body to the floor

My hands are tired
from sleeping with closed fists,
from trying to hold on,
and fighting to let go

My body aches
and my face twitches
while my head pounds
with loud thumping,
in my ears.

*I think something's wrong.

If looks could ****,
then baby I'd **** you first
I'd shoot you down
and make you bleed
because I hate you,
with everything I am
with every shaking little piece of my body

You seem to think,
that you are made from something great
that your opinion,
is the only opinion
and that your story,
is the only one to be told

But I can see through clouds
I have the gift
and I can lift the veil
I'm not blinded by my ignorance
Instead I learn from it

You've got power now, baby
but it will quickly fade
believe me true
I control the tide
and the waves
and the rain
I'll put out your fire

I'm sorry baby,
to break the news
that one day the sun will burn out
the sky will turn angry
and the lions will roar
that's when I'll take over
that's when my soul will soar.

Once,
I cried and screamed
begged and dreamed
for the ripping to be over
for my nightmare to end

But now,
that the pain has subsided
and my wounds have finally healed
I can't wait to again feel the blow
of a tormented, reeling heart

Because sadness is an excuse
to feel something
live and breathe
pumping within your chest

My hardened heart
was bloodied and torn
but at least it was there at all

Now inside my breast
I carry an empty steel box

an empty, dead
wretched thing
that never lived
or laughed
or  ever took a fall

I think I’ve lost it
That cloud of smoke that once settled
Deep inside me
Close to my heart and in the pit of my belly

I think it ran away and left me behind
Maybe it doesn’t like me anymore
Maybe I’m a different breed now
I’m “healed” so now I’m “healthy”
My cloudy smoke doesn’t like healthy
She likes it when it’s grey and empty
Nothingness so deep
I can feel it tingling in my feet and palms
It makes me sick

But god it’s so beautiful
The things that I can create from pain
The things I can say
When my belly trembles
And my hot breath forms a voice
That carries out my cries
But I’ve fallen silent

Instead my sadness just brings sleep
And the sun hides behind clouds
Sky is nothing but an endless wall of grey

I can’t dance in the rain
I don’t feel like screaming at the hot wind
I just become quiet
Immersed in my new being
This distant person
Who speaks with precision rather than wild crying
This woman who smiles instead of a girl who makes faces
Writes and reads
And has time to rise with the sun

I’m so bored with womanhood
I want to be free to run and play
Take time and feel god sitting beside me

I want to breathe and have it mean something
I want to be beautiful
I want to be a real person
With a real personality
Not just a professional who smiles

I have to be alone
And listen to my belly
And the smoking cloud that sets me free
The ones that burns up my heart crisp

So who said,
I cannot cry?
Or be free,
to say how I feel?
Why is that a rule?

To hide it all away,
within me,
or shove it in my ever bursting heart,
who would that help?

Don't be afraid of the tears I cry,
I am not weak,
I'm strong
Because I won't listen to you
I'll them out,
big hot ones
and little soft ones,
laying down ones that drown my face

The tears will fall,
freely
and they will,
warm me my eyes
and make them cherry red

My tears are all separate
and they are all equal
So Judge me,
go ahead and call me crazy
I am what I am,
but at least I *know

I lay awake and try to think of a time before I loved you,
try to imagine what it felt like
before your heart made a home inside of mine
and the whole of the universe came together

Closing my eyes,
I feel sad
for the girl I was then -- so long ago
but sometimes it feels like yesterday
and its lurking too close
for me to truly forget

Fate is always waiting for me to roll the die.

I’m that girl your parents warned you about
The one they shake their heads at
Look down at in disgust

Late nights I press my lips to the bottle and raise it to the sky
Howl at the moon
And lose myself in sin
Smoking an screaming
I am followed by a dark grey smog
A ***** damp rain cloud

I’ll lift my skirt
If you tell me I’m pretty
Because I don’t care
I’m young and wild
I was born to be bad

I spin in fast circles
And fall down in the street
I get lost in humiliation
And always laugh loudly along
Raving
Rambling
And talking crazy
I am red cheeked and shameless

Wicked seduction
Your biggest fear solidified
Home before curfew
Covered in soft pink and baby blue
Sleeping off drunkenness
So peacefully
Like an angel
A perfect lady

My little soul
Traveled across time
And through the deepness
Of space
To get to you
My dear
My love
She flew tirelessly
Endlessly
Only to be reunited with yours

Broken heart
So cold and stiff
Don’t be angry anymore
Because my heart of hearts
Is here for you
And I won’t ever leave
I’ll never let you go

My body
Your body
Together we formed something soft
And fragile
We created a creation
That was bigger than us
It was greater that my greatest fear
And deeper than your deepest regret

I turned my back
I didn’t watch
As it was taken
I gripped the hand that was offered
One that I had wished was yours
I alone watched as my castle crumbled
I bore witness to the destruction of my own fairytale
As it dissolved
And became one with air
Time and space
And I followed
The pink screaming sky
Into oblivion  
And forgot my dear
That you were ever there at all.

His is a face I used to know
One I used to touch,
paint with light,
place my mouth and tongue over
and cover with pure love

Once I obsessed over that face
I saw it every time I closed my eyes,
it made sleep all I wanted
Night time was the best time,
because it was consumed by him

His was the one in the moon
Same cool smirk and wandering eyes
He pulled me in
I was his ocean, and the tide was always high

Now he's a mirage,
just a small piece of what I was
A single square of my life's puzzle
because his face is different now,
a little healthier,
a little less worry,
now that I'm not around,
ever since I let him go

His face fades a little more everyday,
continuously becoming less real,
just a dream within a dream,
a fragment of my imagination

Soon he'll be gone
and that face,
the one I loved so tenderly,
will leave my moon alone,
to fill another sky

Thirty more days
And you’ll be gone again
Just thirty days
Four weeks
Seven hundred and twenty hours
And too many seconds
Fleeting too fast

It took thirty days to fall
And sixty days of hopeless wishing
To bring you back home safely
Only so you could leave me again
And you always would
And you always will
Leave me again
And again
And again

It took thirty days
To make something live
All so we could watch it die
And you could walk away
Unaffected
Untouched.

Me and you
Not as complicated
As you and I
I couldn’t buy you
I guess I didn’t have enough
Just the lint from my pockets
And a little change

So this will be my apology
For making your life miserable
And twisting your world to black
Love and ***
I’m sorry I confused the two
I’m sorry I allowed them to be linked

I believed them to be intertwined
And enabled them to live in me
I had no right to that
I had no right to love you
No right to let it feel good
Or to create a home in your bed
To smile and laugh
As you kissed and tongued me
No right to cry
As you grabbed and pulled at me

It wasn’t my place
Your heart a palace
Brilliant and beautiful
My ***** little hands
Undeserving
It wasn’t mine to touch

So you rebelled
With darkened defenses
A rage too cruel
Even for the blackest of hearts

You intruded me
Stormed my gates
You split me like an apple
And swallowed me whole
Helped yourself to my pink and white
Skin soft and tight
Ripping
Ripped
Gone

Gazing at me with that sick smile
Is enough to make me spit on any man
Yes
I was blind for you
As dumb and vulnerable
As a field mouse

I was meant to hate you
To break you
Scream at you
Hurt you
And ruin you

So here is my apology
From my twisted little soul
To yours
For getting in your way
Laying in fear with the others
And being the first to speak

My love for you
Is the constant in my life
The empty shallow place
Between sleep and waking
Time and space
Is where you’ll find my heart
That’s where I keep your love

Touch me
And my throat dries
My legs shake
And I give in to your warmth
Your lungs and mine
Create one breath
One sweet sickness
One shared moment in time

I want to run to you, dear
In to your arms
Before I sink slowly
Perfectly
Into your heart

I forget you
Every time you leave my side
My mind rids its self of you
Of your touch
Your smell
And the hushed low love
You whisper into my ear

The sun is high and bright today
The grass an explosive yellow-green
Yet still I lie dreamily
Weightlessly
On an old red pillow
Stained with familiar tears

I dream of you, my love
for hours that feel like days,
long into the night.
My tender dreaming
becomes an affair of loving reeling
and my soul is stirred to waking

But a dream it wasn't,
and reality it was,
my wonderful, my wanted

Was there ever such a man
who could provide the possibility
of freeing me from my icy cage
and set my soul ablaze
or nudge me into a love drunk haze?

Well here it is,
and here you are
my wonderful, my wanted

Long have I waited
and wondered in discontent
if the star I had wished on
was more than a child's song
that could keep me praying long after dawn

And now you've answered,
your soft words have been spoken,
my wonderful, my wanted

Yes here you are,
and now you've spoken
I am finally here, and finally ready
I must keep my wavering hand steady
As I place my lips upon yours

I realize that something is not right
it isn't midday, to my surprise it's night!
my love that I was kissing,
seems to be missing
I run my hands through my hair,
and to my despair,
You were never there at all

You are a dream,
and a dangerous thing,
my wonderful, my wanted

Today I let you go,
and it didn't hurt
and I didn't cry

Last night I released you,
while I was sleeping
Like a soft,
quiet exhalation
that no one heard
and no one saw

I woke up wondering
if I had left you.
Or if,
I was ever in the back of your mind

Perhaps that nimble little moon,
that brought us together
finally decided,
to rip us apart.

When did it all become so real?
This life
And every sharp
Biting
Steely speck of pain

I wish I couldn’t feel it
or understand the weight of it
I wish I were immune
Like so many others
But, what a dream

It felt so real
Like we were really together
And I was actually holding
Your small warm body
Against mine
And you were really happy
And safe
And I loved it
I was grateful
As I rocked you in my arms
Soldier stance
A warrior for you
my love
Vowing to always keep you safe
In my arms and away from pain

I was a half
And you were a half
And together we made a whole
Something so beautiful
So complete
That it sent my heart flying
And my body buzzing in celebration

Not even he mattered anymore
It was only you
And it was only I
Our love was the only love
But then morning came
And ripped you from my arms

Goodbye my baby
My love and my only
It is time for you to leave me
It is time for me to wake up alone
And feel the emptiness in my heart
And the burning in my burning chest
Where you once lay your sweet face.

Sometimes words,
Don’t sound as good
As they did in your head
When you dreamed them up,
When you fought it out
Inside your own mind

Sometimes please,
Doesn’t come through as desperate
As it needed to be
When you said it with a dying breath

Sometimes love,
Doesn’t feel as good
As it does in the movies
The soundtrack never plays
At the perfect moments
And kisses can’t be returned

Sooner or later,
Sometimes becomes all the time
And always is a constant,
State of distrust and disbelief
You’re worked up and stressed out
And love bleeds you dry
Like a leech on the vein

My head aches
and my eyes burn
My stomach is twisted
with pangs of guilt
with shame
and with loss

This is the letting go of you
this is how it feels to release three long years
of love
and hate
of regret and hope

It doesn't feel good
I feel heavier now
than I once did
weighed down with the agony
of loss and betrayal

When you reached into my heart
you moved further than anyone had before you
your cold calloused hands grabbed deeper
than I even knew existed
and took whatever they could

The world stopped making sense
when you released your grip
up is down and right is wrong
now that you're in love
and I'm left alone again
a woman scorned
out of love
and deep in loss.

My mouth goes dry
I feel a thunder storm beginning,
deep in my gut,
that becomes a hot, sticky rain
It floods me and the water,
pours slowly through my insides
Warm and sweet it flows to my hips,
and between my legs
It makes me tremble and shake

I feel alive when you touch me
The stars shine brighter
and my world starts spinning
Your smell engulfs me,
so smoky and sweet

I could live in this place forever
Your arms envelope me
and I go down
I swim through your skin
and with every solid motion,
I sing for you
Pain and passion fill my voice

Your breath, eyes, teeth, hair
fill me with sin
and tickle my devious desires
I am filled with vibrant light
For you,
I melt
For your kiss,
I am proud to be a woman

I want to be alone,
In a home all my own
a place only I can go
with a porcelain tub
and a vault of red wine
little white picket fence
enclosing my perfect sanctuary
keeping all the bad out
letting only the good in

Sometimes when you speak,
I want to take all of your words,
pick them up from their place on the ground,
and shove them right back down your throat

Sometimes I wish,
you could see the damage
that those words cause
I wish you could see the faces,
hear the cries
of those you spit your hate at
more poisonous than an adder's bite

I want you to step into my shoes
feel how I feel
for just one day, I bet you won't like it
I'm sure you'd be appauled
at the things they say
when I'm minding my own business
whenever I'm walking alone

I look to you,
and I search your face
for something that connects us
something that makes us the same

but all I see is what you have
I look towards my empty basket
and realize there's nothing left for me

I know you bleed red, and cry clear
you've got room in that big empty heart
so let me come in, and rest my tired bones
let me share with you my feelings
my heart's relentless reeling
not for the sake of arguments or glory
just let me speak my truth,
it's time to listen to my story

I was there
And it was my body
That shook and screamed
And left blood behind

But I couldn't rip
The memory out
Or throw it away
No matter how hard I tried

They were my tears
The ones that settled
On your shoulder
That ran down to your chest

And you said
It made you feel like
You had been standing in the rain

You were never supposed to leave
My sleepy little moon
But sometimes the sun has to rise
The day must come
Leaving the night alone
Letting you go

It was a journey
it took time to learn
how to love you this strongly
how to hold you this completely
It took time,
my love
to move through you
and allow you to do the same

Her heart beats within my chest now
and I, hers
her love and her voice
sweltering within me
makes it hard to let go,
makes it hard to get away

And the beating never stops
no matter how hard I try to **** it
to smother it with indifference
rip it out and throw it away
I can't
I can't stop loving you

Do you remember,
when you told me that I wasn't your mother?
You said it sternly over shaking breath
Well you were wrong, girl
because this is how a mother loves

But I was there
You can’t tear the truth from my hands
My fingers will hold on
Gripping and clenching in vein
Because I was there
And my actuality can’t be stolen from me

Sorry mom
Sorry dad
But I have to tell my tale
I can’t pretend that I’m whole any longer
I am no lady in white
My testimonios must be told

Don’t call me crazy
Don’t hold me down
Because I was present the entire time
No one can fight my facts
Because they lay not in my body
They felt not the breath on my neck
They’ll never know my pain

It’s funny how men will try and convince you
That you’re not real
As if you’re part of their imagination
That they created
And birthed all on their own
Is that why they try and destroy us?
Hold us down and tell us
That we don’t deserve the world
Or life
Love
And breath

You wanted one,
ever since you were young

Thought you found it,
once or twice
but it never lasted long

Home,
You've got a home
in me

There's a place in my heart,
where I built you a home
Made of sticks and shabby stone,
I'll keep it there my love,
I won't leave it alone

Home,
You've got a home
in me.

Move in my darling,
take your leave
I'll keep you safe,
and give you everything you need

I'll paint the walls,
and wash the floors
I'll make it a palace,
and keep unlocked the doors

Your kingdom I will build,
upon my sturdy back
I'll keep you forever,
your love is all that I lack

Home,
You've got a home
in me.

I'm sort of just now
becoming
real
transforming into the girl
I was meant to be
the kind of girl
I always dreamed of being
but never had the guts
to become it

I never liked to hide in pain
I'd just rather always feel something
as opposed to nothing

rather have hot and cold
than luke warm, all the time
making me nauseas
I'd always choose day and night
over the murky grey abyss
life fading into bleak
nothingness

I wish I didn’t want
To live with it’s burn
Is an awful fate
To live in your love
Is to live in an empty, lifeless world

When you speak
There’s a sweetness in my chest
And hot sweat on my palms
It’s a burning sickness that I cannot run away from
Take me for this is all I am

I wish I knew how it felt to be
Myself
Someone that is all me
One who wakes up knowing
Who they are and where they stand
Everyday would be a good day
Each one better than the last

But instead I lay worn and ragged
In this dark, wretched place
Beside you
Breathing slowly
And letting out hot little tears
The one’s I hide from you

Pain and longing are my ***** little secrets now
I can hide it away from their eyes
And pretend that I’m okay
Like it’s good to be me

If no one sees
Then it never happens
And I can live in make believe
Where nothing hurts
And where my scars don’t exist
In a world where it’s always sunny
And everything tastes sweet

When I hear your voice
It’s bitter sweet
I close my eyes tightly
And push back the tears

I try to remember a time
When this felt good
When it didn’t burn inside my chest
And pound within my head
A time when you were decent
A time when it didn’t hurt

I become lost among the chaos
And the sharp edges of my mind

Dark, cold, distant
My sun has gone away
Leaving behind the crashing torrents
Of an angry ocean
And murderous rage
For which at your will
I provide the body
My body
To be angry with
To hurt and to hate

You grab my wrists a present a blade
A clever plan of demise
My demise
I let you take from me
Pillage and steal

Throw away what you don’t want
I don’t fight it anymore
I’m too weak and small

I don’t smile or laugh or play
That girl is gone
When it’s finished
I stare at the ceiling

I know,
where it hurt
when your life was taken
your heart, shattered into oblivion
left you unable to see
or, speak
or even exist at all

Since then,
you have been a doll
a barbie placed neatly,
in your dream house
wearing an apron and a perfect smile
withering beneath
the plastic exterior

I sit,
with your heart,
in my heart
and I know you're tired

I would never tell you this
not in a million years
let God or thunder or some impossible force
strike me down dead before I utter a word
Before I let a syllable fall from my lips

But,
sometimes
I can't ******* stand you

I can't listen to you speak
without wanting to choke
on my phone
or anything that might be within reach

But I'll never tell you this
because I've foolishly filled your basket
with all of my eggs
and this can't not work
I will not let this die

I'm trying
with closed fists
and a clenched jaw,
not to hate you
for everything you are,
but I can't make miracles
and I never called myself a saint

I'm doing my best
not to curse your name,
or wish ill upon your head
but the blackness is bubbling up,
and I can't hold it down forever

I'm quietly,
violently
wishing you away,
praying for your non-existence

I'm hoping
you'll just disappear,
where you stand
and dissipate into nothingness

Because I've been nice for too long
and it's my time
to be angry
and spit spite your way,
to hate and to hold
your memory in my mouth,
chew it up good
or swallow it whole,
doesn't matter
either way, you'll become my ****.

Just give in,
let it go
surrender it all
you know, it's too heavy anyways
your arms will break
and your back with ache
in time,
it will swallow you whole

So just open your,
stubborn, clenched fists
lost and rotting
recover your heart
dust it off and give it a shine
because the day's too long
for weeping
and screaming
and this will all be over soon,
it will be quick and painless

Just be free
turn your *****, twisted face
to the sun and to the sky
and smile, because it's been too long
but I know your face,
hasn't forgotten how,
the wind and rain,
will wash it clean
and push you forward,
let the forces guide you home
it won't be long now

Doesn't feel good, girl?
to give it all up
to stop fighting and lay
your guns down
on the filthy sodden ground
let them disolve
into the mud,
into nothingness
you won't need them anymore.

And then the rain came down
Quietly, slowly
Dripping from my head
to the tip of my nose
and then down to my feet

The rain comes
only when the sky is smiling
and the night begins to stretch
it's long arms towards the sun
to smother it with darkness
Because its time to say goodnight

The rain will come
whenever you're not ready
when you can handle it the least
that's when it will hit

The clouds will roll in
and you'll be away
from home
from God and all things good

Don't let it drown you little one
keep breathing
and turn your face towards the sky

He's new - but not like, "brand new"
so I guess really, he's old
been around for a while
sitting on my shelf,
looking pretty, waiting for his turn to play

He's not charming,
and he'd never bring me flowers
doesn't call me pretty - hates it even more,
when I ask him to
but he stays
and I guess staying is what I want him to do

He comes to me in dreams
'cause in the waking life, he's too busy
has no time for me
but he's there, waiting
sometimes I can feel him

Mama says I can't have it both ways
what I want only comes in movies,
or books, the kind with long haired lovers
staring longingly at each other,
a breathless all or nothing kind of love

No, that's not real
and fairytales are for girls
they can **** you fast,
or let you die slow
that's the modern kind of love

Butterflies
My stomach jumping
And in knots
Shaking hands
Smiling like a clown
I must have been insane
To ever think
That happiness like that
Could ever really last

Do you believe in love my dear?
You know, the kind that rips you
From your seat
Onto your feet
The kind that makes you dance wildly
Smiling and laughing
Little girl sort of giggles
That make you feel young

Or the kind
That happens at first sight?
One look
One slow moment in time
When eyes meet
And familiar souls are awakened
To new beginnings
Blink and you missed it

Sometimes it makes me want to run
Or climb
Or jump and move mountains
Make rivers
Create the clear blue sky
That stretches onward
For you my love
And only you

Because you deserve these things
All of the goodness that life can offer us
May all of the gifts
And happy endings
Find their way to you
Because this my dear
Is your love song

I must let go today
And be healed
If not for me
Than for my body
That aches and twists with pain
Whenever his face makes an appearance
In my sick mind

Like a ghost he haunts me
Makes me sick and makes me cry
Memories mar my mind
They smack me with pain
And kick me with regret
So I run to your bed
Just to hold you
Just to feel your breath
I use you as a replacement
As my escapism
Because I can’t face
My own face
My reflection in the mirror
That stares back at me
Hauntingly
Accusingly
Because she and I know
What I could’ve stopped

So I bury my eyes
In the warmest part of your chest
And pretend to be anyone
Someone who is not me
A girl detached
A girl who isn’t scarred
I breathe in your smell
And realize
That no I can’t stay here forever
Today I need to let go

Everything hurts today,
I try not to move much
but the knots in my stomach,
make it hard to hold still

When you touched me
something within me woke up
and for the first time,
in a long time,
I was really living

But now it's gone,
and the death of my heart
is too big a burden to bare

my soul, a bloodied war zone
my body, a shaky home built for two
won't bother you anymore

I'll let you go--but not today,
tomorrow.

I can't stop
thinking about
the way you touch me
fingers, moving slowly
intentionally
across the small of my back

Your voice runs rampant
in my mind
moves through all
of the dark caves
and shady graves
bringing light to a cloudy day

It makes me feel good
inside of my body
from finger tips
to my toes
filling my body whole
with light that is
both bright and sound

Your tongue
caresses me gently
seeking and finding
all of the things I try to hide
I cannot wait
until you dip inside