It speaks to me,
comes in waves
following the moon

I can't always hear the words
but I know the voices
and I understand their meaning

There are different parts,
of depression
many different factors making one whole
one powerful,
clear truth

It speaks to me,
assuring me that it will always be there
as consistent as the rain
more inconsistent than the storm

I try to protect myself from it,
withdraw from the world
pull the covers up over my head
hibernate for the winter

but the madness just gets more clever
and my mind will always outsmart me
lingering in the dark,
with one hand outstretched
inviting me in with the poisonous apple
I will always fall for the trick
take a bite,
and let it take me down

I need something,
to get me through
to help me up and over
this little bump
once so small,
but now seems so big
to me,
but I've always been little

I need some time,
to remember who
I am, and who
I need to become
to breathe fresh air
and fill my lungs,
as deeply as I need to,
to breathe it all in
for as long as I have to

I'm looking for a break,
a point between
the mountains and valleys
where the excitement lulls
and time slows,
only for a moment
a small window of shallow bliss
that's all I need

But my watch won't stop ticking
and time is always trying,
to explain itself to me
reasoning with sun up and sun down
is endless and worthless
they say it stops for no one
how foolish,
that I believed it would pause
for me.

Butterflies
My stomach jumping
And in knots
Shaking hands
Smiling like a clown
I must have been insane
To ever think
That happiness like that
Could ever really last

Do you believe in love my dear?
You know, the kind that rips you
From your seat
Onto your feet
The kind that makes you dance wildly
Smiling and laughing
Little girl sort of giggles
That make you feel young

Or the kind
That happens at first sight?
One look
One slow moment in time
When eyes meet
And familiar souls are awakened
To new beginnings
Blink and you missed it

Sometimes it makes me want to run
Or climb
Or jump and move mountains
Make rivers
Create the clear blue sky
That stretches onward
For you my love
And only you

Because you deserve these things
All of the goodness that life can offer us
May all of the gifts
And happy endings
Find their way to you
Because this my dear
Is your love song

I'm living under boxes again
surrounded by the reminder
that my life is so small
all of my things,
packed up neatly
and then sloppily
a perfect divide of attention

I only feel clear,
only when things are gone
and away from my fiending mind
I sit alone in my room
and feel a little more at home

The cat sits, too
on and around my lap
nuzzeling up against me sweetly
with out a care in the world

I'm moving again
to a new home
one with a bright, new beginning
sitting beneath a train,
with a half view of the smoggy city.

Deep down, I knew
That this is how our love
Would end,
But it wasn’t really love, was it?
No, you would never call it that

But isn’t that how it felt?
When you moved inside of
My sweet and simple sin
I opened my eyes just once
And saw you gazing back
I saw myself,
In our eye’s reflection

I don’t know how I got here
On the other, darker side
Of your heart
Just behind the brick wall
I keep scratching
But I’ll never get back in

We’re enemies now
We can’t get close
Without a heart breaking
Or our clenched fists shaking
Someone always has to lose

And baby I should’ve warned you,
That when you took my heart hostage,
You started more than a battle
And I know how to end a war

Everything hurts today,
I try not to move much
but the knots in my stomach,
make it hard to hold still

When you touched me
something within me woke up
and for the first time,
in a long time,
I was really living

But now it's gone,
and the death of my heart
is too big a burden to bare

my soul, a bloodied war zone
my body, a shaky home built for two
won't bother you anymore

I'll let you go--but not today,
tomorrow.

I touch the poison to my lips
Let it settle there clumsily
Before drinking it down
I tip it upward and swallow fast
Killing any good life that was left

I’ll let them take me
Have me
And use me
Before the grand finale
This is the game we’ll play
I’ll give and you can take
Throw it away before my eyes
Because we are not equal

I yearn for the one who broke me
Who took all
Until I had none
Like a child reaching for a parent
I scream for him
With arms towards the sky
Reaching
For anyone who passes by
For anyone who will take me

I am looking for justification
For the unfinished creation
That is my very soul
And my everything

It is a sick cycle
And a twisted way to live
Every time consume it
Every time I am touched
My broken body only wants it more
She is craving her own destruction

But how do you stop the gamble
When you feel like you could win?
Put down the dice
And walk away
From this dark, ***** girl
From the incessant pain
And from my open burning heart

When with him I am an actress
I play a role
I play it well
I know all the moves
And I know all of my lines
Those blurry little lies

I play my part skillfully without fail
My smile destroys my own true feelings
The flip of my hair
And the bat of my lashes
The giggles
The grace
My kisses
My touches
Are all planned and rehearsed

Tongue to navel and lips to lips
Every touch of your face
Or neck
Or chest
Every wink, smile, and moan
All lies
I’m just playing pretend
I’m just doing my job

You don’t love me
But you don’t know that I’m acting
If you don’t feel love
When I’m playing better than myself
I know you’ll only cast the real me aside

The silly
Playful
Funny me
The one with the light behind her eyes
Will never be seen by you
And you’ll never be allowed to hurt her
I keep her away
Up on a shelf at a distance
As I **** this girl slowly
For the promise of your touch
And I chance in your bed

I can,
wake up all by myself
clear the dust from my eyes
sometimes,

sometimes

I can,
pull the bottle down
and swallow the tiniest of pills
sometimes,

sometimes

But other times,
I can't wake up
or pull my head up for air

Instead I lay lifeless
and suffocate under the weight
of my comforter and my strangling sadness

I can see
Into the light
And into the collective

I can feel
A new day
A new dawn on the horizon

I will be
Greatness running forth
Try and catch me as I fly by

I will sound
Like a whirl of fury
A powerhouse so deep
It’ll make your knees weak
Like effervescent singing
Like cool waves softly crashing

I will feel
Like a ******* woman
Thick and strong
Unmoved like a tree
Growing up and beyond your vision
Your view of the unseen
Offering you shade
A soft place to lay your head
A cool place to sit and dream

I am
Something on the rise
A woman just beginning
To take heed
To feel her birthright
Finally demanding justice
And offering it to only myself

You can’t stop me now
Because I’m on my way
I bet you thought you could
But no
I’m good and gone
Away and above
This dark place where you lay
The sticky sweet where you go to die

No longer do you bind me
Pain so powerful and bittersweet
Because I’m stronger than you know
And nothing’s holding me back

It's a beautiful day
to go outside
to smell fresh air
but you only cover;
your tired head from view

Why, baby girl
do you stay
inside your hole all day?

Come outside
and embrace the sun
or, rub elbows with the moon

Come and play my love
because I miss your sweet smile
it's been away too long

I'm building
I can feel it,
even as I sit in my chair,
and realize that for once,
my feet touch the ground
and they are firmly planted,
beneath me
and all that I carry

I'm growing,
up and up,
inward and out
My chest is rising,
my spine is elongating
and I am coming into my own,
and all that I stand for

I'm getting bigger,
becoming,
seeing
and breathing
at a rapid rate,
from nowhere
My own power has hit me like a bus,
like a wave
and a current so strong,
that it has washed over all that I was,
and has left me with what I could be
No,
It is what I am

No longer,
will I wish for a beautiful day,
when I will be strong,
to run and fight at my own free will,
because to day is that day
No longer will I aspire,
or dream of what I can be,
because I already am,
becoming her,
in every inch by inch,
in every breath I take,
and every day that I'm alive

I have stopped,
dreaming and scheming,
of the woman I wish to be
I have opened my eyes
and I can see my own light,
I am big and beaming,
I am someone
I am, that I am

Sometimes it rains here
All day and into the night
I gaze up to find endless grey
Nothingness as far as I can see
It pours heavily
Then the fog comes to settle
Staring blankly out my window
I sit on the cold wood
And wait

I fight
With myself
And with my fate
Begging
Pleading
Screaming
For the sun
To finally come back
And warm my icy face

I bargain
With God
Asking her
Then telling her
Not to take my sun from me
Because I need my light
I need it to shine
Just a little brighter for me today
Because I’ve forgotten how

There will be days
When the sun doesn’t come
And the rainwater fills your home
Drowning your possessions
And spitting on your faith

There will be times
Where you will find yourself shaken
Alone and afraid
Godless and crying out for a savior
Turning your back on hope
Only to throw away your love

Don’t.
Behind every dark cloud
The sun is lying in wait
To save you
To heal you
And bring you back to the light
And you will once again be strong
Be alive
And be unafraid

Today is the day
When I will get myself back
Take claim of the rights that I have

You're my New York,
you know,
my somewhere over the rainbow
Where it never rains
and the clouds can never get me
Where it's always sunny
and the grass is always greener

You're my loud city streets,
with all of the honking and moving,
never stopping, always laughing

I love the noise
and the life you give me
You free me
and I let you fly

I love to watch your wings spread
As you soar through the sky
You are every kind of beautiful

My sister,
my mother,
my lover,
and my friend

We started from the same place,
you and I
Our souls are from,
the same seed,
that grew into a tree

A Beautiful tree,
tall and flowering,
and it always smells,
like sweet perfume
It's leaves never fall
and it will never die

You
touch me,
like you know me,
and it feels good
Yeah, I let it feel good
this time

Brown hands
on my skin
and I'm at home
with you in my bed

I let something move,
deep inside me
while you were moving,
deep inside me

I let that something take hold,
I let it shift
and from a creation
became a small formation
which created a nation
within my body and soul
which poured from mind and mouth
and made me whole

Yeah,
I'll take this
I'll let this be okay

He slithered in,
taking my hand,
holding my heart

and I didn't look back

I ran behind him,
trying my best to be seen
letting go of my only truths

and he stole all I had left of me

I laid their festering
diseased and decaying
like an open sore
a poorly healed wound

and the scar still remains

I try to hide it
pretend it's invisible,
that I am invisible
but all they see is the scar
it's too loud not to hear

and I can be better, I can overcome

I'll put on my brightest smile
wipe away the tears from my eyes
carry on,
and convince myself that I've forgotten
all the sharp corners
and all the slimy details.

I've written this love story,
our story,
over and over again
with different plots

Changes of scenery,
but the actors remain the same
same mouths,
eyes
and lips,
same touch,
passionate,
award winning,
and fake

Movies may look real,
but real isn't in the movies.

But there was a part of you, there
that was good
and vulnerable
you let me hold it
only for a moment
and I haven't seen it since

But that was the man
the one that fills my dreams
and makes me sing
who puts my body at ease
that one, the one I saw there

Please bring him back home safe
to me, and only me
for he is mine and I am his
yes, that's the one strong enough
to change the "game"
to change it all

When you moved through me,
I felt him there
and I wished,
on God herself and on every bright star
that he would stay inside me
and he would never leave

But he did.

I look into those eyes,
the brown ones,
the beautifuls ones,
staring back at me
making me human
making me whole
clean and complete

I slither into you
like a snake escaping eden
hoping to get piece
a little taste
of your righteous tongue

warm and rocking
I sleep against your belly
and let your breath take me
up and away
far into the in between
the greyish landscape
that hovers like fog
between right and wrong
love and hate

that's where I'll stay
and wait for you
to come up and inside
to move the mountains
which stand sturdy
and still within my chest

I feel like I lost myself so long ago
Moving through the motions
constant sound and chaos
makes it hard to separate
the parts of me that are still living
and the deep empty space

I've been alive without my body now,
for seven long years
consistently checking,
saving face
from the gazes and disgraces
of the deaf and dumb ones
who hold space on the street

I try
and I'm trying
to get back in
to feel the good flow throughout me
to disconnect from the pain
of original sin
But I get tired and lose focus
wavering back and forth
pretending to be joyful
even with an uneasy grin

Maybe I'll get there
when the noise settles and the sun moves in
I just need a still and simple moment
so that I can finally breathe
and feel like myself again

I love, you working at your desk
steadily typing, thinking precisely
answering logically, placing carefully

Your face is perfect
when it's stern and direct
you're making big decisions
creating wonder by hand

I love, you pulled in close
to my face and breast
curling in and stretching out
getting comfortable

Your body is perfect
when it's warm and near
constantly pulling me closer
when I'm there; available

Your heart makes mine whole
just because it's far, doesn't mean it's away
because I feel it
and I know it

I trace the lines of your body by hand
like an old map on my wall
It's always been there
but I'm just now noticing,
I'm just now tracing my steps.

I tread lightly
on the cusp,
of our budding summer love
because I know all to well
that humidity can make the ground soft
and crumbling down
will come our foundation

I touch softly,
your head to my head
laying closely, legs intertwined
as we soak in the heat
and pray for the rain
to come make us clean

I'm not usually this hesitant,
slow to move into an embrace
but this love
can catch on fire
and burn up fast the heartless stand I take
the post I protect,
wearily and without consent
it could burn up so sweetly
all the sharp corners and dreary dark spaces
that come in between us
and keep our hearts apart

Maybe, I'm not ready for all that
but that old fan keeps blowing
making me sneeze and shiver
and I do know one thing to be true,
depsite the wreckless heed of flames and fire
You've always done your best,
to keep me safe, warm, and away from the burn

I fell from the stars into the sea
and that's when everything went dark
I sank further and further
into blackness
into the unforgiving abyss

I screamed for you
but my voice wasn't heard
nothing could be seen of me
as I slid into the deep
as I let it take me

You were standing on the beach
clenching the cool wet sand
between your toes
feeling it under your feet
staring up at the stars
who had spit me out

You didn't see me fall
or hear my struggle
you just stood quietly
in another world
far away
and unaffected by the noise

The sun is warm today.
I can feel it,
even from within my icy heart
which is beginning to thaw
and shift from the color of red wine
to that of the lips of a girl.

Outside my window I can see green
and it nudges me,
gently towards living.
It takes time
and thought
to remember that I'm allowed to live,
with out you.
Or to be, think, and say,
with out you there to hold my hand.
Or laugh along beside me

I don’t want to be here
Or live in a world
Where you’re not there to read my mind
And steal the words from my lips
Because it’s cold here darling,
It’s full of strangers

If I only knew,
Where you ran off too
Or where you go to get lost
I would come find you love,
I’d bring you home safe

When I miss you too much,
And my stomach drops
When my eyes well up with tears
I’ll hold my breath
And I’ll hold it steady

I’ll wait for you,
I’ll wait to live
And I’ll wait to love
I won’t do anything with out you

I walk in time to the beat
of the city, and my pounding heart,
I'm fast, flashing
I get where I'm going
but still, I stand there confused

I wish you called me beautiful
It hurts, leaves an aching in my chest
whenever you see me
and look cooly away

It shouldn't hurt at all
to change, to grow and expand
into a perfect space
but still, there are always consequences
when you move
you can always lose things along the way

Our love got lost
somewhere, between loving and fighting
changing and folding
I wonder sometimes
how we got here

when I once had your heat.

I sit and wait,
in the place where you've placed me
in a house I built all by myself

I am living
in the inbetween
in between love and loss
in between life and death
in a world that's grey and still

I cannot pretend
that the sun is shining
or that the clouds will clear away
and make room for that blue, blue sky
maybe tomorrow, but no
not today

So I'll just wait
keep calm and pretty
like a doll upon a shelf
this is where I'll wait for you,
my love
this is how I'll play catch up
by sitting, never moving
never laying or leaving

I'll stay with your memories
and wait, until you come back to claim them
that is where I'll be
sitting atop my shelf, clinging
to things that once were.

I stopped,
stared...
and tried to remember,
what your mother looked like

Or how I,
had remembered her

It was a long time ago, huh?
we were just babies then
playing house until the sun set

Catching fireflies,
without a care in the world

We didn't know what would come,
for us
and we were too innocent,
to realize
that we had it all.

Your closed eyes,
your pursed lips,
look elegantly whole,
as you lay them near mine

From your lashes, so long
to every stumble of hair on your chin
They are perfect,
little pieces of you,
that create a wonderful,
puzzle of a man
and my sleepy little moon

I don't know what you did,
or where you came from,
but thank you,
for making a home in me
and fathering my shriveled little heart

Now it's heavenly
and red
and full of life

My love comes from a clean place,
where it's honest
and sunny
A place where I'd love to live
A place that's particularly me,
(or who I was anyway)

Thank you for being stagnant
An island
and my rock
I am the water who lazily,
washes over you,
swaying with the wind
and your lovely moon

Shifting between dreaming and waking
I am hazy, in a violent fog
laying away from my body

I feel his hands on me
and I try,
to move away from his touch
Am I moving?
I can't tell
my body betrays me, keeps me still

His sticky hands move,
up my back and along my breast
his lips press tightly against mine
and I think, this is it
this is what they warned us about
the thing adults curl their smiles down for,
tear up for, but then don't say

There's a fire in my head, and it burning bright
but he can't see, can't hear me scream no
move, move **** it
but my legs aren't mine anymore

I hear him say my name, feel the bed move
beneath my lifeless weight
the tears come
he stops, rolls over

I stay awake until the rain comes
it hits my face, I keep my eyes shut
he's gone, and I let the fog carry me away

I sat and watched
the bottom break out
the inside shatter
and the nothingness seep through

I was cold next to you
my hand creeping towards yours
as your body shied away

And there it was
the love we made
the heart we shared
was gone

This is low of letting you go
and the way it feels
to feel nothing

Because once it dies
it can't live again
and once my love is gone
you will never get it back

Please stop,
sneaking into my dreams
leaving your memory in my mind
and reminding my heart
of what love was;
before I lost it

I need you,
to leave me alone
and stop your incessant lingering
you need to move out,
of the back of my mind
and take with you,
all of your kind words
and your gentlest kisses

I want you to come back
and be mine again,
hold my hand
and my hips,
and me
just a little longer
until I feel safe

I know the distance
is too far to cross
your away and awakened
by someone else's sweet embrace
so you need to leave

my heart,
is no longer your home

I wanted to be the one,
who could hold you so completely
love you so fully
keep you safe in my heart
protect you, care for you
forever and ever and into the abyss

But you wouldn't let me
didn't realize what you were fighting
what you were really giving up
when you left and forgot to return

I could've loved you
and baby I would've loved you
better
and stronger
than anyone could prove possible
no matter
mother, lover, or friend

I could have loved you better
But even though you said
you were ready for real life
you're not

No, your young heart can't take
the power of a love like mine

One of these days
I’m going to be the one
To make you cry
A deep empty achy cry
One that haunts your soul
And starts a dark sickness in your heart

One of these days
I’m going to be the one
To push you around
And make you feel weak
And low
Like a ***** little *****

One of these days
I’m going to be the one
Who makes you feel like nothing
Who takes everything you have
Who rips you apart
And turns your blue sky black

I’ll bring the storm
With heavy hail
Dense and merciless
It’ll break down your house
And I’ll laugh low and loud
Like thunder

Sometimes,
I wish that I wasn't such a mess
I wish,
that I could hold it together
all the time
and do it well,
just like the others

Mama tells me,
that my bag's too heavy
for me to carry on my own
and that's why,
I'm always falling down
or,
breaking down and spilling out

Some days are good,
it doesn't always rain on my house
Sometimes,
I can see the sun
as it peaks it's head above the far grass
and pours gentle light
through my yard

of course when it rains,
it often pours
but we all know,
how that old saying goes

Usually,
it rains for days
and it rarely lets up
no light comes in
just thunder and floods
one day,
I'll probably drown
but,
for now it's okay.

I loved him,
like a religion
his,
was the face of God
and I prayed to him
while I kissed his feet
worshipped him,
as the good Lord
but it was a demon,
that lived within

Days wetted by tears
screaming echoed through nightfall
I repented,
for my sins,
for what I had committed for him,
against myself
but there was no light there
and mercy was unfounded

Cut me open
and tear away my sins
here is my body,
the body, the blood
of your fallen angel
the twisted little soul
you claimed with your fist

I will be your lamb
so do with me as you wish
because my light, and love is gone now
it was taken by your cruel
poisonous kiss

I haven't see sky for weeks
haven't felt the sun kiss my skin
or smelled the sweet summer grass

I miss my blue skies
and even more - I miss the stars
puncturing the sky so black
like little rips in the seam

I used to really live
but now,
I am just a non-person-
scaling the verge of death

Look within me
look through all of the soft spots,
sharp corners
study every space and piece

what do you see?

Do you see someone who loves --
or someone who hates?
Can you see my demons?
The pain and the shame?

Do you see yourself?

I am a woman
product of the white devil
proud to be reborn
to redefine,
reflect,
and repurpose myself
as a lover of God
and to see the light in every being

I am desperate
for a break
for a way out
of my current existence
my cynically cyclical day-to-day

I dream of you
and the road
stretching out as far as the eye can see
nothing but skies for miles
I long to be there -
nowhere
anywhere but here