wounds will always heal but
a heart
is a hard thing to put back together

i became infected

i allowed sadness in like the oxygen i breathe
it seeped through my lungs and soon it was rushing
through my bloodstream

i can feel it, oh my goodness it hurts
  so much

but very quickly it stopped me feeling at all,
like painkillers
everything was numb but i knew it was wrong and i had to get it out
the doctors wouldn't give me medicine to drain it,
so i tried to drain it myself

if it is swimming in my veins i must get it out
my blood will renew itself and clean
so i cut myself open, again and again
and again.                   (and again)
tried to let it wash out as red ran down my body
so my veins would be cleaned of this parasite inside
tried to spit it up with my meals and burn it out of my skin

but its so big
and i am so small
it surpassed all of my attempts and stayed in my body
now the pain i feel is physical too

I don't want my friends to understand me.
I don't want them to understand my pain and 'know how I feel'.

I want them to stutter at a loss of words when I cry in their
arms because I'm so tired of how I feel.
I want them to get angry because I can't shower myself and
I want them to tell me it's stupid how I feel so sad for no reason.
I don't want them to understand when I rip myself apart over a person and
I shake in front of them because I won't stop bleeding,
I want them to ask me why I have to be like this and apologise
how they can't help me because they don't get it,
they say they don't understand mental illness and they think it's dumb.

Because if they understand

then that means they'll have felt it.