She smelled like exotic fruit
freshly peeled, pungent
as she leaned over our adoring faces
buttons of her shirt open
almost all the way
we envied every curve suggested
and waited for hand me downs
wishing we could paint on
layers of her skin
we listened in on those late night calls
from boys who, after taking home
softer girls
would kiss her the next day
behind the skating rink
unlike those boys we loved
everything about her and wanted
it to be our lips they touched
juices dripping

we wanted the same sour taste

if a 13 year night
so deep and made of stars
could not save you

how could I

my nightmares
are now defined
within the history of us

some shadows stayed
long past midnight

Sometimes you feel
like a violent earthquake
lodged inside this tiny space
you passionately refer to as
-
the opening being a tissue paper flower
so delicately framing
the dark, endless center
(if you probed deep enough
you'd find
my heart beating
in patient rhythms
waiting upside down
beneath my left breast)
Sometimes I'm afraid
you'll get stuck in there
somewhere
and I'll have to call my mother
scream into the phone "How
do I get it out of me?" She'd
probably laugh
then break the connection
(if you searched long enough
you'd find
a broken chain
of paper dolls with minds
full of passion and miracles)
Sometimes you'll ask
brave lover of mine
if it was as good for me
as it was for you
did the oceans roar
the trees sway, the heavens sigh
you look into that space between
ask if I felt the earth move
(if you dreamed hard enough
you'd find
me alone in this room
in this bed you built
trembling beneath you)

little sister do you remember all those nights
I sat on the edge        softly folding my love            
your small body warm but heavy
my attempts at safety as I spun
apologies into lullabies
and read stories of ethereal landscapes
with orphaned children lost

I almost had you believing
we would be so much more
than our childhoods suggested
and in kings who ruled true
and queens who stayed brave

little sister can you imagine I am sorry
for all the nights I walked by your door
without stopping,  my footsteps echoing
the sacrifice I did not make
leaving you wanting
stories where nobody         needs to be saved

On a payphone in Swift Current I am calling you
on a road leading nowhere the miles stretch before me
like burning crosses telephone wires so hot
they send sparks flying through the sky
no sun shines here but my skin feels...thought you'd want
to know about the man who gave me this cigarette he tried
to buy my love with smoky dreams do you understand? my need
my addiction I am striking a match S.O.S. to your heart

The big green sign says I am only three hundred miles shy
of holding you still I had to call say hello/goodbye
and somewhere in between I miss you perhaps
my love will remain in this land endless towers of wheat
desolate and beautiful

suspended vertical defying       human limitations
bound in heaven's threads they perform
an aerial arabesque        costumes torn, scattering
sequins and halos on their ethereal descent
as the crowd watches         breath harmonized,
almost willing them to fall

if air had been my mistress, I could have chosen
to soar        the allure of existing only
in this angels' abode where letting go
relies on faith and testament of art
evanescent         as we all prepare
for this our final show

the challenge is to be surefooted
steps soft and light weaving
through the house as it resists
my every move
to stop and kiss innocent cheeks
make sure the bodies are still warm
prepare the same rituals
of hot coffee and cold juice
while the dogs wait patiently
for fresh air, water
they exist only for my care
and hurried touch
this day like any other
you are here as well
asleep in the back room
i know this as certain as i know
the path i need to take
towards my favorite chair
also waiting for me
to take pen to paper
in the near light
in the almost day
the challenge is to create a life story
strangers want to read

bitter coffee helps camouflage the tremors
I shake my apologies inside closed fists and wait
for them to roll, always gambling for that final breath        
climbing beneath god's hands
reaching for empty bottles that offer cold handshakes
all the deals I made and now the devil has come knocking
on sharp metal and cracked windshield
her body will be found
in the midst of my soul's wreckage
I was given everything but love was found
in the glass bottom of momentary bliss
where an angel's shadow now resides
her memories will be turned into stories told by loved ones
that begin with "She was" and end in "If only"

if only I had lived a gentler life  
she was a catharsis for my demons

her death was the sound of everything ending

There is a loneliness felt with
the snow falling
headlights reveal only
what lies ahead
perhaps winter chose for us
the easiest path

your body shifts
closer to the door
as I catch my breath
at every turn

your hands let go
for just a moment
and home feels
a million breaths away...

burn marks of former transgressions
forged on your arm
i count 99 like the bottles on the wall
all lined up and ready for shooting practice
sparkling only in the day's light cause when
the blinds go down and you are glowing
liquid amber out of all your pores...i remember
how charmed i was the first time
you stumbled around my not so innocent
need to have a chance at redemption
so i could save the man whose eyes i now own
just like your father
and perhaps in so doing save you and
you could save me
full of your own history which was all too familiar
you were everything i'd left behind
crawling through basement windows
to rest in houses where
you no longer lived
sirens following you past all the road blocks
everyone else set up to hold you back
a ******* ******* disgrace
while you have one more round
and toast the life we could have had

your mother still says
i was the best thing

it is not enough to know
how frail
one single gust of wind
could take you
away
your soft, tattered edges
cut paper thin lines
across my destination

you never feel like today. created of the new earth
you were pieced together with tortures of a past.
filaments of skin exhuming every shade of green. 
ambushed in the now while holding forever
in your tenuous arms. and i am flowing
as a never ending evolution. surrounding each
first and last breath with intimate accuracy.
forcing rebirth of weakest branch and noble foliage.

i am river. you are tree.

the shore i lean on for necessary relief. you
provide my nurturing soul with a deserving thirst.
as you navigate all the liquid aqua curves. absorb
immeasurable depth inside the infinite sadness.
every shade of blue peeled off. layers upon layers 
of yesterdays crashing onto cave walls.
exposing inscribed hidden epitaphs of men, of warriors even.
of spears that entered with absolute intent.

i am ocean. and you, you are everything else.

you vandalized my body
with consent I offered
skin as canvas
my damaged heart
your muse

will I be remembered
as your worst creation
the strokes of bold colors
hiding the statement
you needed to convey

a truth so heavy

will the critics see me
as your worst creation
without knowing
how carefully you painted
every scar

blur of rock, snow, trees
I drift in and out of reality
dream of swimming alone
at night, the sweet danger
your hand on my leg

this highway becomes
endless motion
reach into the grey night
beg a cigarette
off the gypsy woman
desperate
addictions will destroy me
one day, nothing left to do
but wait for the next stop
watch your breath form halos
of precious air on the window
misty and cool                
hey, beautiful stranger
could I rescue you
from sleep, your hand
on my leg feels like nothing
else but it won't last

the driver speaks to me
of wandering souls
in a few hours he promises
we'll be somewhere

I wanted to say
the moon seemed
so bright
day became night
in perfect silence
and the stars were born
into madness, into light

you appeared and I
wanted to know

stills only my heart
a perception of
both green
and forever red
in water reflected
on the table spilled
as the bowl cracks
splinters through
the half eaten flesh

Summer plays witness
to our salty footprints
the towers we crashed into
leaving only fragile things
to be collected or consumed
all the lives we created
exist shimmering
far below our reach

with my eyes covered i could walk
a straight line to your front door
and enter loving you blindly
i may know nothing of subtle niceties
or your estranged heart
but i know how soft your steps
on the landing during restless slumber  
and how many hands it takes to hold you down
i have sent letters to every house you called a home
only to have my longing stored
in the unlocked drawer

i know the shame that keeps you
shifting and creaking as you cower
from the night's breeze, hoping for rest
hoping heaven is as forgiving
as i am

i have watched the lights dim
in every room you become
a different shadow  
all your darkness protruding
i am the only one
i would bend my bones
to enter you as the sour breath
you wake up tasting

we were not born of blessed stars
we did not rise amidst
feathers scorched
from the burning bush
our mother planted carelessly

inseminated with a yearning
for tiny pretty things
she forgot to keep us whole
and instead dismantled our nucleus
cell by nervous cell
until everything grew into nothing
the skin of our young hearts
filleted as embellishment
for her fine collection
of unhappiness

year after lonely year
our mother became obsessed
with our expected failures
creating dusty bouquets
of abandoned feathers
as a reminder of her sacrifice
a reminder of her love

we were never meant to fly
we were born of sadness
and heavy with regret

we entered this life
choking on her tears