How can you not see?
How can you not know?
Not hear

The manipulation beneath the concern
It may be real to them
The concern

“I just want what’s best”
For you
(For them)

“Best” is a narrow place to be
Pressure from all sides, pinning you in place

You’re just a puzzle piece
If you won’t make yourself fit in your place
They’re happy to help you cut off
                                                             the parts that don’t fit

Their image
Their vision for their world

It’s hard to resist
When they believe their own press
That they are the savior
The martyr

The truth is

They are a spider
And to be free of their web
Sometimes requires

Cutting all ties

How can you not see?
How can you not know?
Not hear

The manipulation beneath the concern
It may be real to her
The concern

“I just want what’s best”
For you
(For her)

“Best” is a narrow place to be
Pressure from all sides, pinning you in place

You’re just a puzzle piece
If you won’t make yourself fit in your place
She’s happy to help you cut off
                                                         the parts that don’t fit

Her image
Her vision for her world

It’s hard to resist
When she believes her own press
That she is the savior
The martyr

The truth is

She is a spider
And to be free of the web
Sometimes requires

Cutting all ties

Holding space
Holding feelings
Stopping time
     For a moment

What does it mean to feel safe
To BE safe
Can safety be given

Or only taken away

I believe it can
I hope it can

Safety is an illusion of control
But a vital illusion
One we all need
               all want
               all deserve

Why is safety so rare
                              illusive
                     ­         easily taken away

If we all need it
why can’t we all give it
To ourselves
To each other
To our past

I don’t know the answers
Only the questions
The yearning
The dream

So for now
I will hold space
          hold feelings
          stop time

In a soap bubble
My sphere of influence
Invisible but all encompassing
Fragile but resilient

For a moment

Restoration
Rebuilding
Reshaping

Filling in the fissures that have opened up
Between us
Within us

Fissures can become canyons
Sometimes suddenly
With a great roar of sound and cloud of dust
Sometimes gradually
Worn away by a river of neglect and dismissal

Both sides carry these fissures within
Wounds that can fester

How do we close these gaps?
Between us
Within us

First both must see
Acknowledge
Desire to heal

But there are no guarantees

Rebuilding relationships
Righting wrongs
Seeking and offering forgiveness

None of this can be done alone
Without community
In a vacuum

Sometimes the fissures become scars
Calcified and brittle
Painful when poked but otherwise unnoticed

The wound may heal over
But the fissure may never
Completely
Close

Vulnerability is
                            Strength
                           ­ Source of power
                            Seed of change

By tearing down my walls
I invite you
To lower yours
Meet me on the field of ugly truths and lofty dreams

I didn't always see
Didn't always know

To be vulnerable
To speak truth
To share my ugliness and confusion
Gave me power

As I expose each truth to the light
They lose their hold
Guilt retreats
Shame seeps away
New growth can take hold

It is what it is
I am what I am
Exposed for all to see

The truth will set you free

Trite
        but accurate

What they don't tell you
Is that
Your truth

Can set others free too

Home
Such a deceptively simple concept
When you have it
           you can’t describe it
           and take it for granted
When you don’t
           you are forever searching
           aware of the hole in your heart
           but not knowing
           how to fill it

Some say home is where the heart is
Where your people are
Wherever you lay your head at night

Comforting thought

But what if home is also a place?
On this earth
Tangible and corporeal
Rooted in the land or water
That each of us must seek
And may never find

It could be where we were born
Where we end up
Or someplace we have never been

What happens if you never find that home?
What happens if you did
And then you leave

Alaska is that home for me
Not a specific place or town
But the combination of
        mountains,
        braided rivers,
        wildlife that requires respectful distance,
        weather that demands preparation,
        tundra, bogs, and spruce

I doubt I will ever live there again
But it will always live in me

Grim determination
Slogging through mud
Breathing through smoke
Blinded by fog

Alone
Isolated
Moving forward with no idea where my foot will fall next

Quicksand lurks
Waiting to pull me down
Backwards
Drowning in despair

These are the images
The feelings
The obstacles
That the world imposes on me

Yet I know
That it is both real
And an illusion
Designed to sap my strength

Because I am not alone
Others walk beside me
If I reach out to them, we’ll walk together

And sometimes there is a break in the smoke and fog

I can move
I can breath
I can see

Hope lights the way, a destination is in sight!

But for now
The light and clarity is just a distant memory
That I hold onto
As I continue to move forward

Through mud
Smoke
Fog

Falling back
On grim determination
To propel me forward