"Bored.." I told her
"just bored of this, of here. Of you"

What is it inside me that grows like a virus?
infects my weak will, and forms a thick exoskeleton
I can go out today and recover in time for tomorrow
I can take the next pill that's handed to me, and greet the trip like an old friend

How can it catch up with me
if I keep changing
the way I'm running

does the rotten fruit
mean you're rotting too?

waking up in the afternoon with
the same sour taste in my mouth
painful nights now reduced to
a dull dream, which I slept through

my mind has caved, and my eyes are black
my skin bubbles and my skull is cracked
the fruit on my desk is rotten
drying up, dead, forgotten
and from the rot you can't go back

I muster up a smile
my thoughts surface like
distant hands against the ice of a frozen lake
dragging their nails across the cold

"I'm...fine" I lied, looking at the wall
my ears rushed like a train passing through a station
a small gust, then a deafening roar
then nothing

I disguised the shaking in my hand
as I ran it through my hair
"I'm just tired, I'm gonna leave"
my voice cracked on the word "leave"
I wasn't sure if she'd heard but I'd already turned away

The hands had clawed at the ice relentlessly
and now they'd broken through

disappointment fell like snow, and rested against tacky coloured lights
why do I always sit on my own at parties?

I hear the people I call my friends all around me
laughing hollow laughs
for jokes which I didn't hear

too quiet to shout over the terrible music
I just sit and wait
for something that never comes

I imagine a nearby bar
where a local musician plays guitar
or the hill behind me
overlooking a thousand winking street lights
I open my eyes and I'm here

just sitting

drips fell from the inky sky and splashed the sea into a crinkled sheet

rain again

there's something different about the rain at night
something a whole lot more sinister

in the drizzle we shiver and throw stones through the watery mist
each one smashes the surface
like enormous raindrops which
crash into the black water

how can something so violent feel so peaceful?
don't try to define it
just at this moment it feels perfect

the waves break onto the stones
and with each one we throw
the stones break back onto the waves

life's old force drags me
and I wake up from my dream
at four in the morning

shouting from outside
shakes the blue dark
in dampened mist

breaking the quiet
like the first footstep on morning snow
and rattling dew off the grass

silent against a sleepless night
I roll over again
eyes wide open

growing older feels
like a sleepless night
at four in the morning

I started dancing just to be around you
but if you knew
how much I hated dancing
would you care?
or would you wish I wasn't there?

I changed how I stand
my hearing
has been bad since I was young
my neck hurts
from leaning in to hear your words

I stopped my rambling
used to talk
now I feel quiet
can you hear
my speech against deaf ears

and now you say
you feel unkind
I changed my ways
you changed your mind