I painted a girl out of sunshine
with brush strokes that glitter and play
And glow gold and pink and sweet

But I overlooked a few things in her making
Her head cannot pivot
Only move up and down
Nod yes
Yes, I'm fine
Yes, I can help

And when I painted her face,
I gave her a smile
The brightest, most heartfelt smile I could make
To make other people feel okay
But I never realized that meant she'd be stuck that way

She grins, teeth glistening
Whispers my mistakes,
I take a closer look
And find that the pink paint
is in fact the red of my blood
And the brush, my own bone
You'll give until your death! she smiles and laughs

Too late to un-create this destiny
It is all I can do to prop the sunshine girl up in front of me
A screen for others to watch a lie
And not the sad silent soul behind

While the sunshine girl does the living, the girl behind retreats to words, trying not to
Die.

I liked to fancy
That I could throw you a look
And pierce your stone heart.

Even though the clouds
Clouds announcing your arrival
Have disappeared
Have fallen into sullen blues
And the furthest reaches of heaven
I will always feel the storm they brought
The destruction which they wrought

The rain will always put me under

The soil accepts the pain
As way to regeneration
It only stings my skin
While it slowly brings my end
As though the flowers bloom
Im only left to whither further
And each part of hope I held becomes such bitter rot

The rain will always put me under

I only learned of the stars
Because the way in which I saw them
Was something beautiful to you
I only know when it rains
There is no ceiling
Only grey
Only thunderbolts and lightning to change my faith
Into something lesser
I only feel every drop
Because there is no sky at night
I'm only me alone
And you alone

The rain will always put me under

Her eyes tell a story
That will never pass her lips
To speak it means it's real
And denial is all she has
So she buries the pain
Lets it harden
And the coldness within her soul
Keeps her going.

There are secrets I've never told you
I've never been brave enough
I don't know if I ever will.
The things that have been done to me…
The ways I've been used…

I'm filthy
I'm unclean
I wish I could scrub my very skin off
but even that wouldn't be enough.

I want to tell you about the night
that I passed out drunk
and woke up to someone having his way with me.

I want to tell you about the time
I experimented with a girlfriend of mine
and her husband decided he'd rather have me
even without my permission.

I want to tell you about my ex
who regularly did as he pleased with me
even after I told him no,
Or another ex
who decided that while I was already pinned down
he might as well try other things
that I very much did not want.

I want to tell you about the first time
I ever gave a *******,
how I didn't want to
but he made me do it,
and pushed me down until I choked.
How I was only 16 when that happened.

I want to tell you about the time I lost my virginity
to a boy who took me to his house
instead of swim practice
and held me down until he finished
before taking me to practice
late
with the proof of what he had done
still covering my skirt.

I want to tell you these things
and how they've hurt me,
how they've changed who I am.

I want you to understand why
some days
I can't get out of bed.

I want you to understand
these scars on my wrists
and why I felt like that was my only option.

I want you to know me
in this way that no one else does.
But these are the words I will never be able to speak.
These are the secrets that will die with me
hardened into a ball of ice where my heart used to be.

These are my demons
and mine alone.

The storm clouds
gathering in the skies
are mirrored in her eyes.
And as the thunder rolls ever closer
she feels it in her soul,
each peal of thunder
barely drowning out the sound
of her memories,
each strike of lightning
illuminating them
for her to relive in terrifying clarity.

His voice,
always yelling;
the inevitable blows,
the way he knew just how
to break her down.
The way he still comes around
taking what he pleases from her,
forcing himself on her,
shattering her from the inside out...

She wants to let herself be happy
because he is gone
mostly
replaced by a man who loves her
unconditionally.

But,
like the storm,
she's just a ticking time bomb,
destroying everything in her wake
before disappearing
completely,
permanently.

Stamped out like a fire
I cooked you on the stove
Thick on a spoon
Over the coils
Until you just
Started to boil
The wonderful
Thrill
Of
Blood
Stopped up quick
And the drip of the needle
The flavor
The kiss
Back black nowhere
nothing
never
ever
ever
ever
cared