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358 · Jun 2018
A Talk Between Us
Katlyn Orthman Jun 2018
I'm sorry
For all the hate
All the anger
The confusion

I'm lost
Not very sure
Trying to keep up

Something new
Is around every corner
Threatening
Sometimes sweet

It tests me
Test my love
My faith in myself

Its shaking me
Stirring me
STAND UP

But I still love
I forgive
I'll try again

So should you
I believe
I care

You can do it
The dream
Lives in our veins
357 · Feb 2020
Feilds of Wildflowers
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2020
Feilds of Wildflowers
All blooming with her
Looming power

Full and lush with color
Not even rain clouds
Would dull her

They would only feed her flame
Which never seems
To tame

No she flickers like a star
So bright you'll
See afar

And if you follow in her direction
You'll be enveloped
In her protection

Because feilds of Wildflowers
Are lush and
Full of power
356 · Dec 2012
Free fall
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2012
Snow fall
Trees tall
Sigh and smile at them all
Sky high
Big sigh
I wish I had the courage to fall
From the sky
Arms spread
Cloud bed
And dive
I am alive
So alive
I risk it everyday
Just to say
That I am human
356 · May 2013
No Ones' Home
Katlyn Orthman May 2013
Breaking into myself
Every lock I had to pick
Every maze I had to get through
Just to open up the last bordered up door
And find out no ones' home
I'm all alone
Go figure
355 · Jan 2013
To have a friend like you
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
Some may say we're weird
Maybe we talk to much,
That we say odd things
And that we're interested in all the wrong hobbies
That we aren't mature
And we're foul
Some may say that we're dumb
Because we choose to be unique
They pass judgement before they look
They throw it away before they read the book
Well I say I'm blessed for every flaw they say we own
To me they're  perfections
I'm blessed to have you all beside me
Blessed to be accepted
So happy to know that you're there
And that I'm here too
Because I'm happy to have friends like you
That can see through
To me
And I am not blinded and I can see
This is dedicated to my friends, without them I honestly don't know where I would be
Much love to all my friends
352 · Jul 2014
Like I Was Supposed To
Katlyn Orthman Jul 2014
Looking at you, looking at me
from the end of your gun
Eyes that used to search my soul,
the eyes that made us one
Now stare back at me in dismay,
so full of this sure terror seeping into my bones
It's too late to reason and much to late to run.
The arms outstretched are no longer my home

Your face sends my mind spinning
twisting this surreal moment until I could cry
The room moves while my feet
are planted onto the ground
Falling out of control
Like theirs no bounds

This bullet biting into my heart
it's shredding my flesh and devouring my emotions
But I stay so still
too void to make a commotion
I should have said it all
when my fingertips where so close to you
Should have said the words
Like I was supposed to do
351 · Apr 2013
Not So Easy
Katlyn Orthman Apr 2013
Do you think if I cut my hair
I might become someone else ?
If I change my clothes
And the piercing in my nose
I could hang the old me up on the shelf?
Do you think if I cover the scars
And I wash out the hair die
That I could wash out the lies
And maybe become one with the stars?
Do you think if wiped up the tears
And rearranged my room
That I could change how I feel
And stop pretending that this is real
Maybe mop up the pieces with a broom?
Maybe I could reconstruct my shattered dreams
No, cause nothing is as easy as it seems
348 · Jan 2013
Sonnet: Deaths knock
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
It was death who was knocking at my door
I had been trying to avoid his calls
I guess I really can't hide any more
It was a short walk, but a longer fall
And the leaves so sadly fall off the trees
Lives but a shadow at the brink of dawn
A soul that was captured has been set free
As the morning sun creeps on the front lawn
And so sorrowfully I hang my head
And await the reapers death painted claw
For this morning I awoke to be dead
For it has been the reapers scornful law
And death may come I have vanquished my fear
Silently may I hold my falling tears
346 · Dec 2012
Untitled
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2012
In the end he sat facing a gun
He was scared of the end nearing to come
All the things he'd said that he had done
His war had been won
There was no victory in the end
There was no vulnerable princess to defend
Just a body wrapped up In a blanket
In the ocean is where he sank it
He shook and cried he lost control
The anger had ruled and taken a toll
And now he sat with his head in his hands
Not knowing where he would stand
At the end of the gun receiving?
Or pulling the trigger relieving?
345 · Dec 2013
To Dream of Dreams
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2013
She slumps against the bar,
her head pressed to the sticky surface.
She sits at the table of broken hearts, and dreams.
She pours her sorrows in a shot glass too full,
and swears she'll never go back again.

He sits with a wounded heart,
drenched in a vague memory of what was happiness.
He fills his gut with the burning liquid he calls home,
and swears that life is better alone.

They sit with one dream or another,
shattered in a pile of wasted energy on the floor.
A hopeless beginning with no end,
that always began with "what if?,"
that exist with one closing door.

It doesn't matter,
when the lights go out,
and the spotlight moves on,
leaving you in a windowless room of smog,
no mind to what might be on the outside.

All there is, is the comfort of the wine that numbs the sting.
And a new dream of what the shattered one might bring.
344 · Dec 2012
House of forgotten love
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2012
This house was built of love
Every brick every stone
The top could touch the skies above
And there I wasn't alone

Until your hate broke it down
I thought we had it all
Until the bricks lie on the ground
And I watched the house fall

I just sat with our loves remains
Laying in my arms
The hurt and pain that left a stain
Left scars of harm

Perhaps I fooled myself with this
It was to much to believe
That thoughtful night, that one last kiss
It was easy to deceive

So now I'm homeless I walk alone
The shadows take me in
I wait for life on my own
Mournfully to begin
344 · Nov 2014
War
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2014
War
War is the savage sea roaring in my veins
Calling to the animal lurking inside
It's twisted, and breaks a person down bare to their instincts
It beats past flesh, rips past pride, soars past your thoughts, tears your mind from inside
It dances on your feelings, slits the throat of your heart and feast on your bones tell all that is left is action.
War creates a robot inhabiting flesh
Kills your mind, before you can look deep down inside
For all you'll find
Is death
342 · Nov 2012
The eye 's
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2012
Darkness
Filled by eyes
Watching
Every move
Every step
They hide in the back of my mind
They eat me slowly
Dragging my torture on
So I won't forget they're there
How could I
When they won't leave me alone
I'm prisoned
By their glares
338 · Apr 2018
Goodnight, Goodbye
Katlyn Orthman Apr 2018
I am torn
Inside my head
Where thoughts are worn
And turned to shreds

This sunken heart
Inside my chest
Is torn apart
And laid to rest

Whispers call me
In depths untouched
Speaking calmly
In foreign tongues

I'm losing sight
I'm falling down
The light is bright
From on the ground

Goodnight I say softly
Goodbye I suppose
These sad atrocities
That I have chose

Have tucked me in
And closed my eyes
Where night begins
And I have died
337 · Nov 2020
The Fear of Fear
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2020
There is a fear
softly lingering in the dark
waiting patiently
for your acceptance
337 · Dec 2013
Take It Away
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2013
Amber liquid in a bottle,
Keeps the pain at bay until tomorrow
336 · Jan 2013
Untitled
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
I couldn't help but feel so sad
Because I know I grow older and I'll have to realese the good times I've had
I fear of forgetting
Of all that I have
Growing old, and dying
I don't mind dying , but I can't forget
Who I am, who I love
I'm scared of a new year and what it brings
Always cautious of turning the corner
Monsters always lurk near by
And solemnly I cry
But I can't say why
The passing of the time perhaps
And though I'm young and have much to see
I wonder what horrors I may next face
See I've learned not to trust the unknown
Pain prowls in the fog
And though I am only human
I can only wish I rise above the greed
I should be thankful to still breath
But fear has crippled me
I have found that I ...... Am weak
336 · Feb 2013
Scream
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2013
The music drips in my veins
As I carelessly drift away
Dance with me
The move of our hips
To the beat
Hands razed
Body grazed
The power in each word
The power to be heard
Overcoming every fear
A prayer for every tear
Colliding and flying
All around
The ground shaking
The earth so angrily quaking
Oh misery
Let go of me
Screaming just to feel
Screaming until my throat hurts
Because it reminds me
The rush is so real
335 · Jan 2013
Empty hole
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
I've been thinking of you
I've been missing you
And though my mind is ready to forgive
And forget
My heart can't seem to stop remembering
You broke me
Crumbled me
I hated you for it
I hurt for it
But I have this empty hole
That I just need to fill
Before it swallows me too
333 · May 2013
Can you see?
Katlyn Orthman May 2013
You look at me but do you really see?
Can you see the pain?
Or the shame?
The scars?
Do they define me?
Maybe it's better I didn't know
Maybe...
332 · Oct 2012
Sad, and can't sleep
Katlyn Orthman Oct 2012
So tired
But I cannot sleep
So angry
These thoughts won't leave
Curled up tight with
Myself
There is nothing
And no one else
Believe that maybe
I'll be alright
If I close my eyes and try to fight
These pestering tears
That just won't stop
332 · Jan 2013
New Years
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
A new year ready to stretch it's wings
As the earth grows a year older
And the frosty winds will sing
And the sun in it's beauty will smolder

People will make new year resolutions
And some will be met
It's like a key a solution
To there hopes that haven't been granted yet

They'll set aside their problems
And make a list of new ones
They'll think of how to solve them
To realize it will never be done

The darkness might just hang over our heads
As we pray to gods to forgive our sins
We'll sit awake in our warm beds
And our patience will wear thin

But we'll cheer happy new year
Though we all feel weighed down
And we'll forget about our fears
And quietly drown
331 · Sep 2012
I'll miss you
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2012
I'm scared to have to let you go,
I don't know where you'll go,
And even as the tears sting my eyes,
I know I'm being selfish by holding you here,
I can see the pain in your eyes,
I know that it's gods time
To have you,
Just don't forget me,
I won't forget you,
To my aunt Linda hopefully I will see you again someday
330 · Jul 2019
Behind Closed Eyes
Katlyn Orthman Jul 2019
Inside I fall into blackness
Eyes shut I breathe
Overwhelming suffering
Inside I seethe

I cannot escape my mind
It's a prison I build
Undeniable agony
The cup is over filled
It has spilled
Can I rewind?

Help me please
My eyes they bleed
From all the tears I cry
328 · May 2013
Imagine That
Katlyn Orthman May 2013
When your friends are falling apart
And you own a broken heart
Your eyes fill with tears every time it's dark
And the pain inside hurts
You overflow with this need to fade
And you wish you could trade
Your life for the perfect ones on tv
And your dying inside but no one can see
You split your skin again, people won't understand
And you hate yourself for the scars left on your wrist below your hand
But in the dark there looks like only one road to go
And if there's another you just didn't know
And the rain is falling harder than it was before
The thunders so loud it shakes the door
We can't be perfect I'm nowhere near
But maybe if I pray loud enough god will hear
Maybe if I ask for him to just hold me
Like I need to be
These feelings and thoughts will subside
And I can fix myself inside
Imagine that wouldn't it be nice?
But something so easy always has a price
328 · Dec 2013
Murder
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2013
Stare at the evidence,
that weapon you used to **** her.
The blood that stains the carpet,
the frantic smears of tears and fear.

Does it shame you,
knowing what you've done?
Are you guilty,
of what you've become.

Head lowered, eyes cast to the floor,
walking through all of these doors.
You can't look me in the eye,
or tell me why.

But you took her life,
with a dull jagged edge knife.
Buried in her flesh over again,
as she wailed for it to end.

You slung her up and tossed her down,
sealed the deal as you watched her drown.
Dusted off your hands and turned away,
did you think about the life you decided to take?
327 · Jul 2014
Questions
Katlyn Orthman Jul 2014
Who am I?
It would be easier if you asked me
Who I want to be
I'd give you a thousand answers
that will never come true
because who I am
is no where near who I want to be
326 · Jun 2013
Untitled
Katlyn Orthman Jun 2013
Harsh and bitter diatribe
Broken deep alone inside
A sad story to call our own
Hiding in this lonesome home
Crying when no ones around
Waiting but im never found
In my eyes my pain is clear
Screaming loud but no one hears
Help me I am falling fast
In the present and in the past
But no one has time to see
My growing flaming agony
325 · Feb 2014
Lost The Road Map Home
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2014
I see it passing by
within a glances time
I wonder how many chances
I'll get at this same thing.

Like a fog in the window pane
It's blocking my view of the sun
I keep on thinking that the next night
I'll simply give up and be done,

I fight for things that I believe are right
but who knows whats right anymore?
I keep trying to find this light
but it seems the lights dimmed
like a bulb in the morgue,

I feel like a sinking ship
will I ever reach the bottom of the sea?
Or will I just keep sinking deeper
in my broken adolescent dreams?

I'm finding that life is harder than it looks
and that every step I take it brings me farther from the truth
and I keep on searching
for I have curiosity achieved by only a youth,

But my outlook is no longer innocent
like a child who has not seen
I've seen the world at it's worst
and I understand what it means,

I just wish I knew the way
out of this godforsaken maze
it seems I've lost my mind
in this thought induced craze.
324 · Jan 2013
Reaching for god
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
I had been running
For years.....
Tuning it out
And turning my back
But the stabbing in my brain
Won't let me shut it out
I hate when memories find there way in
When you rather they just fade away
If I could vanquish these faces from my mind
I would do it in a hearts beat
But for now I'll reach for gods hand
To help me through the maze of memories
324 · Jan 2013
Fresh on my mind
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
Sleep evading me again
Close my eyes
And his face is there
It's been years...
And the memories are faded
Like an old picture
I try drowning it with music
But it's there
The pain almost feels fresh
Like the smell of close death
And the feel of broken skin
The sound of sirens
And the shrieks ....
It's still so painful to speak
To hard to write down
In my sorrow I drown
My fingers are shaking right now
I saw him in my dreams last night
I remember his eyes
They scared me the most
Sometimes I'll cry ...
Cry myself to sleep
Because sometimes tears are easier
Than to speak
Because tears will shout
Shout it all out
And make me feel clean
It's a weight lifted off my chest
So I can get rest
But tonight it's trapped me here
In this room of crawling terrors
I feel like I have to scream
But it's stuck in my throat
I feel claustrophobic, like its got me
I really just need to sleep...
322 · Dec 2012
What's another tear?
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2012
What's another tear
Shedding my pain and fear
What's another sigh
My heart learning to die

What's another crack
Just add another shard to the stack
My nearly broken heart
Simply falling apart

What's another road
Follow as I'm told
What's another stain
Just signifys my pain

What's another scar
Just shows who you are
What's another day
Where you refuses to stay

What's another fight
Just like every night
What's another tear
Shedding my pain and fear
321 · Mar 2013
Mother of Peace
Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013
Bam**
A gun shot a mere echo in the nearly silent field
In the small second it takes to breath war erupted,
Death in his robe made up of the afterlife taking the souls along
Crack
The earth split open and the guns were silenced
If only for a minute
Before the fingers were being ****** with angry spitting face,
Accusations being flung like bombs
Then the ground began to shake
And from the crack in the Earth a tree grew
Between them
It took every bullet every stab every word
And with each one a flower grew around the tree
To end a war fight with peace
Not my best poem but oh well
320 · Dec 2012
Running with wolves (haiku)
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2012
I would run with wolves
If I could let myself go
I couldn't do that
320 · Apr 2013
Feed the Flame
Katlyn Orthman Apr 2013
We all stand
Stand beside the fire
That lights the way
To each event do we feed the flame
Every word
Every look
Written in the flicker of the orange light
Dancing on the palm of my destiny
320 · Jan 2013
The path
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
It started when I took my first step
On the freshly paved path
It started out so smooth
So easy I could glide
Until the sun set
And I met the monsters hiding in the shadows
They broke me
Beat me
Killed me
And I drew a ragged breath
Dragging myself up
I thought maybe I'd been mistaken
But no
This path I've been walking
Is full of cracks and holes
Always tripping me
Always leaving me out of breath
Tricking me to go left
Instead of right
A mirage on the end of the path, and then I realize it never ends...
And that I'll just keep tripping
Today I'm stepping onto untamed grass
And choosing my own way
319 · May 2013
Inside your eyes
Katlyn Orthman May 2013
Follow me
Into the sea
That I am swallowed in

Inside your eyes
Where sadness hides
Is where a love begins

I see you there
Your soul is bare
Don't hide away from me

Let down your tears
Unwrap your fears
I'll hold you while you sleep

Just close your eyes
And realize that I am here for you
Don't pull away
Please just stay
And I will stay here too
318 · Dec 2013
Famous Monster
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2013
I was falling in love with you,
the way so many people foolishly do.
I felt something inside again,
and I left myself unguarded and open.
I left the shell I called my home
and then your broke me and I was alone

I was empty, just stared at the walls,
It was then I watched them crumble and fall.
I wasn't angry no, not at all
I didn't feel anything as I stumbled through the halls.

It was a pain that I can't explain,
it was something worse than pain.
Something that digs in deep,
and takes your heart for keeps.

I closed the door.
Slid to the floor,
and wished for death once more.

It's a never ending cycle of pain,
if only I had the restrain,
not to go back again
but in the end

*I always do.
318 · Sep 2019
Autumn Trees
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2019
In the leaves of Autumn
I fall into reds and orange
Existing in moments passing by
And crouching at winters feet
I sway with the breeze
Until it rips away the last of me
And I lay in reds and orange
Of Autumn leaves
Left scattered at the feet of trees
Winter will dismember me
And summer won't remeber me
For I will decay, life is fleet
At the feet of trees
I once was leaves
But Autumns trees
Sway in the breeze
It pulls those leaves
To lay in dirt decay
At the feet of Autumn trees
316 · Nov 2013
I Have To Try
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2013
"**** me," she whispered through her tears.
Her eyes glowed red, stained from the shattering of her heart.
"I can't," I say my voice breaking as I face the mirror.
I slowly break apart.
"You said you would if it got to hard," she cries.
"If you give up, then everything was for nothing," my voice quakes.
"It doesn't matter it was all lies!"
"But we were so close," my heart shakes.
"How can we make it?" she asks me
"We have to at least try," I bite my cheek.
"We won't make it," she tells me.
"We have too, I won't be weak!"
She shakes her head, doubt in her eyes,
but I had to try
309 · Mar 2013
Just a Monster
Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013
Tell me I am a monster
Tell me I destroy
Go ahead
I've heard it all before
I break those that get too close
Pray I don't get you too
Run while you still have a chance
I'm just **poison
309 · Oct 2019
Lonely People
Katlyn Orthman Oct 2019
Shadow friends dance at the edge of my vision
Somehow I convince myself that I'm with them
We smile and laugh but I'm still empty
Somehow I'm lonely when you're here with me

My rainbows fade into cloudy grey
I'm begging my shadow friends to stay
But night will fall and take you from me
And I will remeber that I am lonely

I'll walk in the dark, where I cannot see
And think up thoughts which swallow me
I'll bend until I break, like I'm made of glass
Good things placed in my hands do not last

My shadow friends are gone, and I'm all alone
My life is built up in this shadow home
Where I let tears fall, and I wallow in my pain
How I wonder what it feels like to be sane
307 · Jan 2013
To give it all up
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
On this road I travel
I kick the gravel
Hands deep in my coats pockets
My eyes moist with tears, flooding their sockets
It was a sad day to walk
In the sky above soared a hawk
And his cries a soft melody
That slowly comforted me
I don't know what did me in
Maybe it was the constant push to win
Even the trees glared at me now
As their old trunks sunk in, began to bow
My heart softly would quake
As my shoulders would quietly shake
I had given up my name
And pretended this had been a game
Oh foolish me!
How I couldn't see
It was my own fault that I walk here today
It wasn't right, for losers to stay
307 · Dec 2012
Dust in the wind
Katlyn Orthman Dec 2012
Flying
                        Away
                                Dust
                                       In
                                The  
                      Wind
                           Chipped
                                   And
                              Broken
                                   Lost
                                           And
                                 Forgotten
You said I'd never be alone
                                              You lied
306 · Sep 2012
Untitled
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2012
This pen in my hand
Has a mind of its own
It writes by itself
Only my mind
Giving orders
To the tip spotted with ink
The words painted on
I gave a silent wink
To the masterpiece before me
303 · Jan 2013
Tears from a broken angle
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2013
Words bitten off,
Sharp they pierce my skin
Sad my eyes watch the stars
There to hold me
There to watch the sorrow that falls of me
If I had opened up my eyes
Would I've been deceived by these vicious lies?
If I hadn't laid my heart out bare
Knowing I was taking a chance of pain
Would I be standing here
Would I be so angry
So upset
These furious waves sloshing inside my
Ripped up heart
When I'm lost at a crossroads
And I don't know which way to turn
And the tears oh how they burn, my eyes
Why?
Why do I always receive the lies
And the pain and the hurt
A single tear falls from my eye
What would it feel like to die?
What would the peace taste like?
What would the silence sound like?
I thought about cool metal against my skin,
Reopening fading scars...
Breathing quick and holding softly on to the small bear in my arms
I've never been a child,
I have never had a chance
303 · Mar 2013
Nothing
Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013
I've asked myself
while looking in my own eyes,
Who am I?
I can't untangle this mess
Of things I'm supposed to be
The things that make up "me"
I keep waiting for it to all make sense
For me to know what I'm doing
But the truth is,
I couldn't be more lost
Following a faint trail of what's supposed to be right
And I'm confused
But never asking for help
In fear I'd come off weak
And though the tears push at my eyes
Begging for me to let go
I hold them in and squeeze my hands tighter
Because I can only cry alone in the dark
I'm overruled by this overbearing feeling that
I have to morph myself into a lie
Hiding behind a phantom
Only a ghost of what I really am
What ever that is
I haven't figured it out
Maybe I never will
I can only hope that I will find the will
To go on when the lights go out
299 · Apr 2013
Rain
Katlyn Orthman Apr 2013
Rain
is just the world
taking in so much
that it has to let go and
*cry
298 · Nov 2018
Life Sucks Right Now
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2018
Every moment we spend living and experiencing, shapes and develops us. The moment you fall in love
The moment your heart breaks
The test you fail
The test you ace
We are all the bookkeepers of our own lives
Looking for the balance to keep us standing upright
Of course this scale may tip to one side or the other from time to time, But as always balance can be achieved
Hope love kind kindness balance life live living alive together
295 · Sep 2012
Lost and never found
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2012
I could wander this earth forever,
But I would never find all the answers,
I could be as old as the angels
And the angels that fell,
But I would never find what I am searching for,
I could be blind, or have true sight,
But I would never find it,
Maybe it doesn't need to be found,
Maybe it will find me,
Maybe if instead of searching ,
I may stumble upon it when I wasn't expecting,
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