I want to love you
But I can't
Your my best friend
And though we call ourselves
Boyfriend, and Girlfriend
I don't feel it
I love you
But I'm not in love with you
It was out of angry emotion
I acted rash
I should've known
I'd be the one to crash
But when I see her
My heart beats
Inside I feel complete
Yet she's out of my reach
And I've pledged myself to you both
But it's time I say goodbye
I don't know why
But I can't be in love with you
And I cry
Because I try
Because I feel so wrong
Like a bad ending to a song
I don't know how to say goodbye
I don't know how to give up
I've been a failure all my life
But this seems to leave me torn
My depression leaves me worn
I haven't slept in three days
I've been thinking
Of you
And how I wish you'd leave
It's easier that way
If you don't stay
I should be alone
Like always
Always alone

I wish you guys loved me enough to be here for me.
I'm sorry that I'm not enough for you. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted.
I'm sorry that I'm not worth a family. I'm sorry that I'm useless and worthless.
I'm sorry that I cant make you guys happy.
I want nothing more than to go back in time and live forever in the moments where I felt like we were all a family.
Because now the only thing i want to do is disappear and stop existing so I dont have to feel so alone.
I want to stop pretending that I'm ok, I want to stop pretending that I dont feel empty and dead on the inside.
I want to stop pretending like I dont feel abandoned and left in the dust.
I want to stop loving you guys because it only tears me into pieces everytime I try and I'm left with nothing but stifiling anxiety that I no longer matter to you guys.
I dont know you guys anymore. And no one cares. That's the part the really kills me. That I sit here and cry until my head feels like exploding because everyone leaves me.
Everyone replaces me. I'm always number 2 and I just want to feel normal. But I cant. Because these ghost haunt me.
In my dreams, in my life, in my love, in my hate.
These ghost have taken every inch of me.
Suffocating me.
Frozen fingers splayed across my neck, they choke me.
Until I cant speak.
Until I'm silenced by the viciousness of which it steals my light.
It brings me to the other side and pulls my hair, punches me, stabs me.
Until I bleed.
But only for a minute and then I wake up, drenched in sweat.
Promising myself that I will never feel again.
I wish so intensely that my bones quiver.
I wish so much that my luck is gone. Just wishing that I could be apart of you again.
That I could come from somewhere. But I was born alone.
Born to ghost that dance at night. Unseen but heard as chilling noises in the night.
Untouched but felt as cold breath across your back.
I was born to ghosts and secrets that cage me.
A ghost is a wish.
And I wish I could exist.

The rain beats against the blemished glass of my window
Leaves lay brown and crumpled on the ground
A frozen memory of a yesterday's sorrow
Tell me, what is that terrifying sound?

The one that repeats inside of this tormented head
The one that pounds and screams to be let out
The one that tucks me in inside my bed
It fills my soul, my heart. my bones, my doubt.

I feel it aching like age in these worn out muscles
I feel it weighing my shoulders down
I feel it like flames of some vengeance seeking fire
I feel it as I watch Autumn make it's rounds

This seasonal pain is breaking my heart
I'm like Fall as I fall apart

I'm scared to have to let you go,
I don't know where you'll go,
And even as the tears sting my eyes,
I know I'm being selfish by holding you here,
I can see the pain in your eyes,
I know that it's gods time
To have you,
Just don't forget me,
I won't forget you,

You look at me but do you really see?
Can you see the pain?
Or the shame?
The scars?
Do they define me?
Maybe it's better I didn't know
Maybe...

Amber liquid in a bottle,
Keeps the pain at bay until tomorrow

Harsh and bitter diatribe
Broken deep alone inside
A sad story to call our own
Hiding in this lonesome home
Crying when no ones around
Waiting but im never found
In my eyes my pain is clear
Screaming loud but no one hears
Help me I am falling fast
In the present and in the past
But no one has time to see
My growing flaming agony

If you hate me just say it
I wish you could see
That you're slowly
So slowly killing me
Dying with every wasted breath
Destroyed by every criticism that you spit out
I hate you so much sometimes
I want to leave
But Im stuck
In your claws
Sooner or later we all leave
Sooner than later you'll break down
Soon you'll have no one around
You push us all so far away
You tuck us away in a box of your own
Imprisoned
After I help you
After I give to you
I gave to you when I had nothing!
This time it's different
Don't look for me
When you need help

Stare at the evidence,
that weapon you used to **** her.
The blood that stains the carpet,
the frantic smears of tears and fear.

Does it shame you,
knowing what you've done?
Are you guilty,
of what you've become.

Head lowered, eyes cast to the floor,
walking through all of these doors.
You can't look me in the eye,
or tell me why.

But you took her life,
with a dull jagged edge knife.
Buried in her flesh over again,
as she wailed for it to end.

You slung her up and tossed her down,
sealed the deal as you watched her drown.
Dusted off your hands and turned away,
did you think about the life you decided to take?

I would run with wolves
If I could let myself go
I couldn't do that

We all stand
Stand beside the fire
That lights the way
To each event do we feed the flame
Every word
Every look
Written in the flicker of the orange light
Dancing on the palm of my destiny

I see it passing by
within a glances time
I wonder how many chances
I'll get at this same thing.

Like a fog in the window pane
It's blocking my view of the sun
I keep on thinking that the next night
I'll simply give up and be done,

I fight for things that I believe are right
but who knows whats right anymore?
I keep trying to find this light
but it seems the lights dimmed
like a bulb in the morgue,

I feel like a sinking ship
will I ever reach the bottom of the sea?
Or will I just keep sinking deeper
in my broken adolescent dreams?

I'm finding that life is harder than it looks
and that every step I take it brings me farther from the truth
and I keep on searching
for I have curiosity achieved by only a youth,

But my outlook is no longer innocent
like a child who has not seen
I've seen the world at it's worst
and I understand what it means,

I just wish I knew the way
out of this godforsaken maze
it seems I've lost my mind
in this thought induced craze.

"**** me," she whispered through her tears.
Her eyes glowed red, stained from the shattering of her heart.
"I can't," I say my voice breaking as I face the mirror.
I slowly break apart.
"You said you would if it got to hard," she cries.
"If you give up, then everything was for nothing," my voice quakes.
"It doesn't matter it was all lies!"
"But we were so close," my heart shakes.
"How can we make it?" she asks me
"We have to at least try," I bite my cheek.
"We won't make it," she tells me.
"We have too, I won't be weak!"
She shakes her head, doubt in her eyes,
but I had to try

It's like a dark cloud weighing on my conscience
What a cliche thing to say in a world full of dark clouds


For all my transgressions, I beg forgiveness from the eye that sees all.
For when I am called upon by the looker
To be judged for all my doings
I will be forced to look through the face of judgement
And recognize that the truth is sanctioned in the balance of the universe
And the balance is scaled politely on the shoulders of giants
That scoure the Earth in search of gold hearts and diamond tear drops
Leaving behind nothing more than bleak hopes and dreams casted out into the darkness of nothing.

I was falling in love with you,
the way so many people foolishly do.
I felt something inside again,
and I left myself unguarded and open.
I left the shell I called my home
and then your broke me and I was alone

I was empty, just stared at the walls,
It was then I watched them crumble and fall.
I wasn't angry no, not at all
I didn't feel anything as I stumbled through the halls.

It was a pain that I can't explain,
it was something worse than pain.
Something that digs in deep,
and takes your heart for keeps.

I closed the door.
Slid to the floor,
and wished for death once more.

It's a never ending cycle of pain,
if only I had the restrain,
not to go back again
but in the end

*I always do.

On this road I travel
I kick the gravel
Hands deep in my coats pockets
My eyes moist with tears, flooding their sockets
It was a sad day to walk
In the sky above soared a hawk
And his cries a soft melody
That slowly comforted me
I don't know what did me in
Maybe it was the constant push to win
Even the trees glared at me now
As their old trunks sunk in, began to bow
My heart softly would quake
As my shoulders would quietly shake
I had given up my name
And pretended this had been a game
Oh foolish me!
How I couldn't see
It was my own fault that I walk here today
It wasn't right, for losers to stay

Are you acquainted with this feeling?
Of being so small
With trembling little hands
You wish you were tall

Tall enough to see the world
Large enough to be seen
Or are you stuck in this lonely plane
Where faces look so mean

Every word can crush you
Every look can drive you mad
You're stuck inside this circle
Of constantly feeling sad

Your tears no longer suit you
You try to fix your face
Do your thoughts attack you
As you try to find your place?

Are you running out of breath
Are you running out of space
Can you feel the blood pumping
As your heart picks up the pace

Will it always feel this daunting
Will we always be so alone
Insecurities are so haunting
I just want to go back home

Do you think this life is for me
Could it be my time to leave
Will I wander so far away
That I dissapear into the trees

Could it be that I am diagnosed
With Lonely Heart disease
So even if you hold me close
I run back to the trees

It seems it is my only home
The only place of peace
Please take me back inside
The safety of your leaves.

Introspection
Inside inspection
Still spinning
From last nights rejection

Lurching
Illness perching
Mental *******
Why am I still searching?

Alone
Charged stone
Casting spells
I build a spiritual home

Bare
Blank stare
Skin stripped
Are you still there?

Whisper
Word twister
Speak tongues
Static on the radio transmitter

Silence
Internal violence
Ears bleeding
Mind quiet

Tell me I am a monster
Tell me I destroy
Go ahead
I've heard it all before
I break those that get too close
Pray I don't get you too
Run while you still have a chance
I'm just **poison

Broken hearts and shattered dreams
All fray away with unraveled seams

Long for the day to be set free
In wanderlust out by the sea

Listen to the waves they crash and pull
Like musical tunes the sounds will lull

But lonely hearts travel alone
And nowhere ever feels like home

Not out by the vast blue sea
Or in the depths of ripe green trees

These places won't remember me
As lonely hearts are never seen

Not by the eyes of passing souls
Or by the eyes who make us whole

No, lonely hearts must pay a toll
Oh, where do the lonely hearts go?

Rain
is just the world
taking in so much
that it has to let go and
*cry

I could wander this earth forever,
But I would never find all the answers,
I could be as old as the angels
And the angels that fell,
But I would never find what I am searching for,
I could be blind, or have true sight,
But I would never find it,
Maybe it doesn't need to be found,
Maybe it will find me,
Maybe if instead of searching ,
I may stumble upon it when I wasn't expecting,

Two years ago
My heart was broke
I was lost beneath tears
And dying beneath the smoke

But today you made me realize
That I can't always hide forever  
I have to come out of the dark
And mend these bonds that have been severed

I'm scared to open up
But I don't know anyone who isn't
And I'll take baby steps into the light
As these nagging thoughts are persistent

You keep telling me that I'm beautiful
But in the mirror I can never see
You keep telling that I'm amazing
But I feel grimy

You say my hair is most beautiful beneath star light
But I see my hair as coarse
You tell me that my eyes are a rare beauty
But I see nothing special

I lost confidence in myself two years ago
I lost the ability to see
I let the dark watch out for me far to long
And it's time I fully became me

I'm sorry
For all the hate
All the anger
The confusion

I'm lost
Not very sure
Trying to keep up

Something new
Is around every corner
Threatening
Sometimes sweet

It tests me
Test my love
My faith in myself

Its shaking me
Stirring me
STAND UP

But I still love
I forgive
I'll try again

So should you
I believe
I care

You can do it
The dream
Lives in our veins

One tear shed today, 
My heart was already broken, 
The ache was still there

I am torn
Inside my head
Where thoughts are worn
And turned to shreds

This sunken heart
Inside my chest
Is torn apart
And laid to rest

Whispers call me
In depths untouched
Speaking calmly
In foreign tongues

I'm losing sight
I'm falling down
The light is bright
From on the ground

Goodnight I say softly
Goodbye I suppose
These sad atrocities
That I have chose

Have tucked me in
And closed my eyes
Where night begins
And I have died

No matter how many times
I claim I don't care
I will never feel right
Without you there

No matter how far my heart is
From your beating one
I'll never be feel the same way
About anyone

If you were the type
I would hold you in my arms
If you didn't fight
I would keep you from harm

But you're stubborn and don't care
About much at all
So you see why it's dangerous
For me to fall

For someone like you
Whose someone like me

Feilds of Wildflowers
All blooming with her
Looming power

Full and lush with color
Not even rain clouds
Would dull her

They would only feed her flame
Which never seems
To tame

No she flickers like a star
So bright you'll
See afar

And if you follow in her direction
You'll be enveloped
In her protection

Because feilds of Wildflowers
Are lush and
Full of power