So,
I may have gotten a bit drunk last night,
(See previous entry).
It seems I haven't handled my madness,
It seems I'm still suspended.
Between adulthood and childhood is a very unpleasant place to be,
If only I handled life like I handle liquor.
Each drop is a knife in the cerebellum,
Hoping it might bury the feelings,
How lucky the asexual are.
How lucky,
And how belabored I am to bear a mind like this!
Lost,
I've always been at home where I'm lost.
Now,
I'm wrapped in it.
Surrounded by it.
Penetrated by it in the most euphemistic kind of way.
Thoroughly,
It encapsulates me,
The ether of burden,
A treasure I wish I could share,
Ashamed that I wish I care.
Voices will tell me,
Shouting!
"You'll do great things, a smart boy like you."
"You've been so blessed by God."
I'm in a void of pride in a sea of aimless ambition,
To do the great,
To conquer the world,
To see the fuel of my turmoil turn to ash.
Angst would be sugarcoating it,
Anger will never describe how it feels,
To be simultaneously empty and full.
I'm at grief like a fly at a summer picnic.
I fly off the potato salad,
Off the handle,
It's thrilling to be at the mercy of giants,
Swatting hands.
Nothing seems to heal.
Nothing seems to calm,
Nothing can make up for losing God like losing a family member you never talked to.
And you wish you did,
Because life would be so much easier.
Finally, I could put the feeling into words, to realize maybe I've been worse off than I thought.