If I was in a war against sleep
I would be winning
For I have not given in to the peaceful darkness.
...
But this is the one occassion where I wish I would just lose.

Nothing changed,
just returned to the way it was before.
Before five nights.
One day.
Then suddenly,
we weren't the same.
You're dragging your feet.
Must you drag me?
What am I worth?
If anything.
Chaos came knocking and we answered.
I went mad
trying to find your face in the dark.
You said you would stay.
Instead, you depart with good news.
You've known me.
Seen my skin.
Felt it sweat.
Watched me tremble.
Ache until I can't ache any longer.
Still, you wait.
What are you waiting for?
I am here. I have been. Will always be. I am here. Take me.

James...
My past
Luke....
To popular crowd...
Insecurity
Sexuality...
Past coming for the ****
...but me allowing it in
...it's coming pretty hard and hella obvi
But I...
Who has been called a ****
And laughed along with the bully
....has allowed the world to eat her alive
And knows what she knows now
...that our world isn't so narrow and small
...that I have a way out
I refuse to return from whence I came
Today is a new day
Right now is a fresh moment
But is my mind ready...
Question I ask?
Most importantly...
Am I ready and do I want....
Cuz if the beholder doesn't feel or do
Thoughts and words are pointless

To the mind that was mine, you would deny
These soft breezes that speak of my essence,
That alive am I when i choose to die.

I see how simple my thoughts did multiply.
To control my rue, and ignore the lessons.
And, of the mind that was mine, it did deny.

I observe, through the silence, fear's disguise.
Behind the shadows, behind the blessings.
So, alive am I when i choose to die.

I see how big my mistakes did magnify.
A brand to my heart, an endless impression.
But, in the mind that was mine, it did deny.

I observe, through the roaring, peace arrive.
In the fog it glistens, my protection.
Yes, alive am I when i choose to die.

In Your grave I lay, in me You will rise.
I hear You when the breeze whispers heaven.
To the mind that was mine, you would deny.
But, alive am I when i choose to die.

I will love you
in the worst ways possible

I will take you slowly at first
then all at once like a sudden storm

The small light touches
Innocuous

A gale of laughter

Secret smiles
Like the sun playing hide and seek
on a particularly cloudy day


I will rip you apart and settle into your bones

Love you like you've never felt it before
As if there was no one but Me


I will tear you into bits
And open out the auricles
and ventricles of my heart


Tell you it's necessary
And leave
In a sudden storm

I will say it was for you
So you could move on  
Find someone better

Love someone the Right way
I'm too much of a mess,
I'll tell you

And when I leave
You'll beg me on your knees
To stay

I will say it is necessary
and go away
Say that one day,
looking back,
You'll see why

But my lightning
Will reside in your lungs and breath
Even as I make you burn

You'll never see why

But you know I wouldn't stay
I can't stay, I always say

I will apologise
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

But

But
Maybe I really needed to go
before you sunk into my bones
became my lightning
and took me by surprise

I will make you taste blood in your mouth
I'll be your biggest fan
When you write raving about my misdeeds
and coldness

I will see your writing grow exponentially
In oceans and mountains

I will love you love you love you
The only way I've known how

- from a distance.


this is how I've survived.