everyone is dead when i'm alive..
and alive when i'm dead.

I now know why they call it heartbreak.
Not because your heart literally breaks but because your chest becomes so heavy you feel as if your heart has sank into oblivion and shattered.
Every moment from now on when you feel love you'll be so uneasy and your heart will be so hollow you can't feel anything for anyone.
The thought of being hurt again will rise as will your barrier blocking everyone out.
I now- I now know why they say that you need time.
I now know why most people aren't in contact with their ex's.
I now know why people jump off of buildings and invade their blood stream with poison of all kind.
I now know why people throw the word love around, or why they don't say it at all.
I now know that no matter how many "I'm sorry"'s there are they fix nothing.
I now know that this is not a phase.
I now know that my heart is too big for my sleeve and I'm filing an eviction notice.
I know now what I did not know before.. and boy were they right when they said curiosity killed the cat.

and i'll never live..
*i'll just exist miserably.

"I want the bullet in my chest, not in my back."

Your breath caressing the corners of my mind.
Your finger tips pressed against my translucent skin.

My pale blue veins are on display for you to see; strung across my collar bone and chest like lights on a Christmas tree.

I've never been one to self inflict pain, but I've never had a problem letting someone else take the reigns.
In the end it hurts all the same.

& so your lips are like knives on my skin. But it feels so good, the way I bleed out and you breathe me in.

If I told you,
"I saw the universe in your eyes",
Would you believe me,
Or count them as pretty lies?

If I showed you,
My flaws and all my scars,
Would you heal me,
Or leave me more wounded?

If I confessed to you,
All my sins and all my wrongs,
Would you shine your grace on me,
Or burden me with the law?

If I swore to you,
That I'd die for you,
Would you pay my blood and tears,
With hatred and mockery?

If I left all that I gained,
And fought a war to be with you,
Would I find you waiting patiently,
Or sleeping with another?

If I let you deeper within,
And tear down my walls,
Would you poison me with your lies,
Or stab with with the truth?

If I gave you,
My heart and all my love,
Would you hold it close,
Or break it irreparably?

I pick apart your bones

just to see if there's any flesh left.

I'm looking for the last of your cologne.

I am looking through your clothes, trying to find one strand of your thread-bare hair.
(Was it ash blonde or ***** blonde? I swear it was more ashy.)

I don't know where I lost you, where I left you, maybe it was in the soft cradle of my bed as you waited for me to turn over the record.

I don't know. I don't know what the curves of the bird bones in your hands look like anymore, and I can say the same about the size of your eyes, watching me always.

But I can tell you I miss you, I miss your head resting on my shoulder. You're so much taller than me, and I can feel myself lowering what I had felt into the ground, and I swear, if you weren't so high, you would have noticed.

(Everyone I love falls asleep.)