I think the worst kind of sadness
comes from within

The kind of sadness
that hits you with no explanation

The kind of sadness
after watching the one you love walk away

The kind of sadness
when you're choking with thoughts

The kind of sadness
that makes happiness seem unattainable

The kind of sadness
when you've scarred the one you love

The kind of sadness
that makes you feel
like
it's
the
end
of
the
world
.

The unpredictable hour of ebony arrives.
No choice have I but to sustain my absence from my affairs
Till the vastly capricious moment of inconvenience fades.

Today was the first time I saw my grandfather since his passing.
He had a chubbier face
and was behind the wheel of a red Toyota Camry
next to a woman who wasn't my grandmother.  
Becca was in the passenger seat beside me.  
She didn't see my knuckles turn white
as I gripped the steering wheel tighter.  
Then the light told me I could go.  
She didn't see tears fall as I accelarated into the intersection
when all I wanted to do was turn around follow
the man who wasn't my grandpa
in a car that wasn't his
to a house I'd never seen before
and wouldn't miss when I left.

Skinny girl, Skinny girl
Do you ever eat?
You're nothing but
An attention-seeking freak

Fat girl, Fat girl
Are you full?
There's a few crumbs on your chin,
Don't miss it all.

Crazy girl, Crazy girl
You are insane.
Go back to where you belong,
Perhaps an insane asylum.

Hideous girl, Hideous girl
Look at your nose,
It makes you look like
Pinocchio.

Dead girl, Dead girl
She didn't look sad.
Congratulations society,
She had enough.

At dooms door,
tears galore.
Not tears of sadness,
but tears of fear,
fear of what lies behind the door.
Furthermore, my soul is sore,
sore from war,
war with myself.
Oh but why?
i need not know,
all i need know is that lies lie within a lie,
it was all a lie.
Truly.

Oh no please
It's coming back
I promise I'm trying
But it's out of my control
I'm going under
I know it
This time it's worse
I can feel it
The haunting thoughts
They don't seem to stop
oh please
not now

i just wish i could feel something

i am so lonely