I abandoned you,
and we are still not talking.
Maybe it just hurts;
I fall in love fast,
but this distance was hard to
acknowledge at first.
I knew we couldn’t
satisfy each other so
I had left in shame.
Then I was *******
strangers to fill a void where
I tore out all love.
Someone read my soul.
You know I don’t believe in
spiritual ****,
but it was gorgeous.
I read myself as something
that you wouldn’t want.
I tried to find me,
but getting closer to me
was further from you.
I acted like it
was okay to keep you on
a string, just because
that’s how I felt too.
Second hand, second rate, I
wasn’t good enough.
But now I can see.
This fight to be important,
to feed my ego?
Rotten perfection.
I offered you something I’m
incapable of.
I’m hurt and sorry.
I’m not a lover… **** I’m…
not even a friend.
I’ve never been good.
My father, my mother, you,
I just cut things out.
My ex-girlfriend, or
my oldest friends, my brother.
I’m cut full of holes.
I’ve kept people here
Long as I could lie to them.
I’m not lying now.
I was happy to
pull a new honesty out,
but I lied to you.
You attacked me and
I deserved it completely.
I had just forgot.
Maybe it still hurts,
I’m numb in my fingertips.
I abandoned you.
I'm ******* sorry jay. I lied to you and you deserved better. I've failed so many people but failing you really ******* hurts. I got caught up in making promises, never seeing I was becoming someone new the whole time. Someone who couldn't keep those promises. I just wanted you so bad I thought, because you mean so much to me. I want to live despite this hurt, this pain, but I need to be someone who can't hurt people anymore either. You've seen the ugliest side of who I am and it will be the deepest pain in my life that you experienced it.