I want to be the deep end of the pool when I lay down
You could dip your toes under my rib cage
I want you to be able to grab me by my collar bone
Pull me into your chest,
Let me disappear completely in there.
I am tired of my presence
I am tired

counting down every inhale until you make me gasp again
waiting with every sigh
deep relief will come with patience
self-reliant but acknowledging that relief feels easiest in between your limbs
puzzle pieces tied together as puppets
dancing under bed sheets
or on rocks, or picnic tables, or carpet

There's no point in trying to understand the mechanics of thought right now
I'm choosing to sit this one out.
I'll wait at the end of the bed,
Come when you call
Stick my hand out in the dark,
Trace your shoulder and whisper,
"I'm not sure we'll make it out of this okay"
(and maybe we'll both shrug..because we don't care)

I guess
I'll go back to poetry
now that
the real thing is ending

It's hard to lose touch
when you finally found it
hard to imagine
being content
staring at computer eyes
and typing can never
replace her flesh and blood hand

yet the reality is we must part after meeting
so brief the moment
so unsweet the parting
I may write a poem full of tears
I may tear this **** keyboard apart

trying to make it all real once more
her feel her heart her love for me.

I fell in love
not with you
but the way
you validated me
when you grew tired
and could not hold my sorrows
in your shaking hands
I felt nothing
I laid my worth on you
full forced and terribly
I loved you not
for who you were
but who you let me be
and I am sorry

dear future self,

you are not your past
you are not your problems
you are not your enemy.

you are a bright shining star
who deserves nothing but
love and happiness.

after all you've been through,
you deserve to be happy.

you are strong.
you are worth it.
you are a warrior.

love,
your 18 year old self

- a letter to my future self

tear stained lined paper
as the pen scrambles angrily
writing about everyday life
as her demons approach her

she slams them inside her
journal which she keeps
to escape the nightmare
she's living in

- escape from reality

i never thought i would make it this far
i told my mother
what do you mean? she asked
in life I replied

- I never thought I'd make it to eighteen