I don't expect to be forgiven
I don't deserve it
I'm a failure
Denounced
I brought all of this on myself
I am the only one to blame
I've hit rock bottom
I dig outwards
It's war between me, myself and I
No one wins theses battles
They give up too soon
Cowards
The redemption I seek is gone
I have only words now
There's nothing more
Nothing

Light seems to shine brightest through tears
And color's most vibrant after storms
Joy is only felt because sadness is known
And something new replaces only something worn
The beauty in sorrow is not always seen
So we avoid any kind of lament
But melancholy is mesmeric and somberness shimmers in the dark
It's the misery and grief we resent
Remember this when your heart becomes an anchor
There is great beauty in sorrow, in solitude, in pain
Watery eyes and broken souls aren't ugly
For you can't have a rainbow without the rain

What is it like
Inside your head
Behind your jaded smile?
Hollowed out
Of personal belief
Do you really give a ****?
Egocentric
Sadistic narcissist
How far can and will you go?
Every last thing
That I love and believe
Why must you tear it down?

The deep blue sky grays
Clouds sweep over the sun
The wind breathes and the air is chilled

drip

Trees bend and sway
The day was still young
But, clouded, the horizon has been filled

Rumble

Feel the heavens roar
The ground drinks deep
The sky breaks as the lightning dances

CRACK

The rains pour
As lightning goes to sleep
A familiar light shines as the passing storm advances

*shh

Can you see them?
The wounds internal
Leaping again
Over new hurdles
The air is thin
My skin is thinner
Infection spreads
Pull the splinter

It's been a pleasure
Under the knife
And it's a privilege
To be alive
Surrender is an option
Though it is bitter
It's strength, not weakness
I'm holding the blister
In comes the tide
With a heart closed wide

The right choice
The wrong outcome
Filled with white noise
Mind held for ransom
Personal growth
Ripped out root and stem
Emotional drought
Break down the dam

It's been a pleasure
Under the knife
And it's a privilege
To be alive
Surrender is an option
Though it is bitter
It's strength, not weakness
I'm holding the blister
In comes the tide
With a heart closed wide

Breathing easy
Choke back the truth
Showing the scars
Hiding the bruise

Carrying baggage
And the world's weight
En route to ruin
Stopped at the gate
Learn from mistakes
To make thing worse
No peace at rest
Live through the curse

It's been a pleasure
Under the knife
And it's a privilege
To be alive
Surrender is an option
Though it is bitter
It's strength, not weakness
I'm holding the blister
In comes the tide
With a heart closed wide

What's visible is seen
Obvious
But out in the open
Cellophane
Are the opinions heard
Comedy
But is it even there
Concealed
Carefully perched behind
Disheartened
Ethereal being's
Reflection

Good morning to the rising Sun
It's nice to see you again
For that means I'm still breathing
And made it to night's end

Hello to the resplendent moon
A light to shine in the void
My closest friend beyond my reach
Ends the day. I'm overjoyed

The Beginning and the End
To you I'd forever cling
Because there's nothing that I dread more
Than what happens in between

So lift me up, rising Sun
I do not wish to come back down
And raise me higher, resplendent Moon
To the stars all around

Please hold me fast with your loving glow
As I watch you each ascend
Although you both are lifeless
You spark life in me once again

Hello and welcome
This is my mind
Sorry for the mess
When I think, this is where the thoughts go
and most of the time this is where they stay
I'd like to say I know where everything is
but that would be a lie
I know that my ideas are somewhere by the door
I was planning on taking them out and putting them on display
I guess I forgot to get around to it
Now where did I put those thoughts I never said?
Oh well.
Here are some memories
but I guess they got damaged when I made room for more
That giant stack over there?
the one that takes up a fourth of the room?
Those are song lyrics
No, I didn't make those.
I just like them.
What was I looking for?
Well shoot.
I guess I'll just come back later
if I remember to remember
Oh?
What did you find?
That?
It's just a little something I wrote up
You can go ahead and take it if you want
It's just a reminder to Organize the Noise
This place just gets so crowed
It feels like the place is going to explode sometimes
So you can take that
There are some things that I just shouldn't keep in

The moon is my balloon
It follows me wherever I go
Cross-country or globally
Sometimes I lose it
In the clouds of snow and rain
But it always returns
It glows in the dark
And brightens the deepest nights
Beauty luminescent

All people have a Wall of Life painted white
"Draw, experiment, write, be free," it says
So why is mine still blank, save for a wandering line
This wall has begun to atrophy
Crumbling from the sides
It looks so frail
But this is more than I've been able to do
The cracks spread through the line
The line that goes nowhere
Breaking, peeling, fragments falling
What have I done, what have I done?
           Nothing. That's why you're in this mess
What do I do, what do I do?
           Nothing. It's what you do best
Please help, please help
           No one will come. They're busy with their walls
Go away... Go away....
           I'm the only one you've got
I've grown to trust the voice
It speaks the truth more often than not
But I want a different truth
Please help, please help
The atrophy is killing me

Forgotten, abandoned
Lost with time
How the people need him
Now more than ever
They hope, they sacrifice
And dream of better days
They cry out for their Hero
Who is never to return
But why, oh why have they been forsaken?
Why must they suffer so?
The land he once belonged to
Scorched by hate from the flames of evil
His weapon sheathed
His armor destroyed
The Hero is lost
With no way to go back
He is gone, never to be seen again
Bound to the corner where he stands
A single tear falls
*I'm sorry

The sun rose, once upon a time
Long ago
Before this darkness of mine
The light set the world ablaze
A short night
To the longest of days
But the brightness dimmed
The sun died away
And forever night I felt it would stay
Then on the horizon a ray pierced through
Even brighter
A new light brought by you
So now the sun rises once more
And I can see more clearly
Than I could before

I can talk
Can you?
I can relate
Can you?
I feel
Do you?
I live
Do you?
I am unique
Are you?
I am real
Are you?
I am a Person
What Are You?

I can't sleep
Not now, not ever
My mind wanders
Hoping, searching, dying for answers
To questions that have none.

I am afraid
Not of death, but pain
Lost in uncertainty
Hoping, searching, dying for comfort
In this murky sea of anxiety

I need to know
Where I will finish
I can only look back
Hoping, searching, dying to know
If these are the right choices

So I can relax,
Put my mind at ease,

And finally get some sleep.

Flesh and bone
Opinions never to be heard
Quiet voice
Help?

Peace lost
Terror ensues
Chaotic thoughts
Don't speak

Throw away emotions
Wrong place wrong time
We tell you what to be
Who are you?

This is a race
You are sure to lose
Stay in line
                                                            ­                                                                 ­           *I refuse

When the rain falls
Some frolic, some flee
The rhythm of the rain
Sinks deep into me

It whispers to me
"I am never adored"
I look it in the eye
And see beauty ignored

The way it cries
Is both soothing and sad
But when it's all over
You forget what you had

It's so cold
I've gone completely numb
My body aches
My bones and spirits broken
This is not where I want to be
I breathe the dust of my doubt
Suffocating
In vain, I cry
No one will here me
No one really cares.
They say there's a light at the end
But the tunnel collapsed
There is no end
So I guess this is mine

Can I show you something?
Don't tell anyone else
What I have right here
Is a secret, ok?
Here it is
Isn't it beautiful?
I found it not too long ago
See how it shines in the light?
Look at all the swirls
How they change from
Pale blue to fiery red
Feel it
It's warm
Doesn't it make your body tingle?
What's it called?
I've heard it's name somewhere
I think
It's called
Solace

I've returned to this place, but not how I had hoped
The walls peeling, ceilings drip, floorboards curved and sloped
Mildew spreads around corners and shadows swallow light
Thoughts creep in like whispers, forcing me to write
They're in my head again, the infestations swell
Clawing at my eyelids, the night escapes. Oh well
Perhaps I am the intruder
I left this place to rot
Yet, it's the one who evicted me
It is I who I forgot

Each place I stay feels different
But at the core they're all the same
The only thing that changes
Is who I am, though not by name
To find something new
Is difficult to do
When you don't know what you want
And this journey's too long
For the end to be wrong
But the right destination is a taunt
Comfort is the bane of progress
So I don't know why I'm still here
It feels like changing is impossible
I need help to move on from familiar

What do I believe?
What do I believe?
WHAT. DO. I. BELIEVE?
Stop it!
I don't know!
I don't know...
It is I which is broken
Not the mirror
I'm incomplete
Full of holes
What am I missing?
No more please
No more questions
I have no answers

It's not isolation
That feels too closed
It's not solitude
That is chosen
It's something more
Unwarranted emptiness
Loneliness
But I'm not alone, am I?
Maybe...
Oh...

The dim light fades
Darkness feels ever expansive
Yet it crushes.
Know the sting of the beast's teeth
As it tears at your heart
Opening you up

This is not a foreign pain

I know all too well

How it feels

To be

Forlorn

I was put here because they are afraid
But of what?
The Truth? Meaning? Reality?
I too lock myself away, only getting light through cracks
Who takes it in?
No one
Am I just a face with a name?
I don't belong here, in this living (s)hell
But my world is too comfortable to leave
It's bittersweet
I've given so much help but where is mine?
Because a drop this far can ****
Blinded by the bright sun
Where is the rain when I need it?

As I looked to the sky on a cloudless night I was greeted by the most incredible scene: stars, silver in their majesty, scattered across the ink of the sky. I was enraptured. I gazed at then, but it was strange. They were gazing back at me. As tears streamed down my face, the crystal goddesses burned straight through my heart and deep into my soul. Weak in the knees I came crashing to the ground. They continued to peer into me. They knew all of my secrets, They knew all of my hopes and dreams, all my fears and all of my pain. There was no stopping The Stars from knowing. Even so, I wanted them to see, to know. While I sat on the ground they seemed to whisper "everything is ok," and for a fleeting moment, everything was.

There is safety in solitude
But when does that become loneliness
I want to be needed
Instead I'm a thread that needs snipped
Something extra
Someone no one asked for
It's not their fault
I'm self-destructive, unstable, a mess
So I'm safe here in solitude
But I never asked for the loneliness

These are the thoughts of...
No
This is the only idea that...
******.
A wall of thought to an ocean of...
Seriously?
The writer's block is...
Oh come on
A good idea is not...
sigh
I won't give up until..
Never mind...

Laughter. There is joy. There is convenience. There is safety. There is healing. There is challenge. There is love. There is Change. There is beauty. There is mystery. There is wonder. There is greatness.

What have I brought?
Am I only to consume? Destroy?
Ordinary. Plain. Carbon Copy.
What am I to give to this world?
My only impact may be the hole where my journey ends
Nothing to show.
Just another Faceless who lived to win
But was destined to lose.

I wish I could...
I wish I would...
I wish, I wish but when will I do
The things I wish for will never come true
I only wish. There is no action
And wishing gives just brief satisfaction
The more I wish, the worse it gets
Nothing ever comes from wishing and yet
I'll continue to wish with a singular hope
That something will happen, a wish to cope
With feeling like nothing, a wish gone unheard
Wishing for something, but something is earned