My mother should be an author
She carves her soul into millions of pieces
Leaving it behind all of the family photos
When I see my mother
I see a woman
Who wants to hide her soul in a needle
Just so the screaming can stop in her mind,
These bottles are rattling in the living room
You see they have put shackles on her heart,
She can't love anymore
Without having ***** in her water bottle.

Where is she hiding her beer?
I feel like my mother is giving me a scavenger hunt
From the shards of glass that were left on the baseball fields
My mother used to take me to.

You know she always wasn't like this
She was strong minded and had a big heart
Tonight I will tell you the story of a woman
Who lost her soul to the Keystones to the Miller Lites
To the ****** Mary’s.
Let's rewind time
See ******* the soul in ten years

10- I look into my mother's eyes and I start to cry
Because I'm looking at a woman who I don't know anymore

9- I refused to bail her out of jail again
Because I'm afraid her kidney will fail if she drinks again

8- My mother staggered into the theater and disrupted the whole play,
My cast mates turned to me and asked, isn't that your mother?

7- I had to hold my mothers hand
Because she was throwing up the cocktail of drugs and alcohol

6- Daddy had to get mom out of jail she was drinking again

5- My mother throws the bottle across the room
And told me the reason why she drinks is because I'm Autistic

4- My mother overslept for my piano recital,
I didn't think it was a big deal
But I remember she spent the whole night crying
With a wine glass in her hand.

3- Mommy I didn't know your prescription came in a needle

2- Mommy the prescription say 2 pills a day
why are you taking 6?

1- My mother went to the doctor
Found out that she has Rheumatoid Arthritis
I don't know what that means,
But I know she will still be strong right?

0- She took me to a Dodger game for my birthday.
I remember Sammy Sosa hitting a home run that game
She told me that the only person that can **** your soul is yourself

Is there tear gas in this room?
Because I can't stop crying
The gas crawls down my esophagus
And crushes my wounded heart.

“God this hurts”

I keep typing,
Praying to computer screen
That I'll forget the smell of your hair
I type till my fingers bleed
So I can forget what your touch feels like
How our lips fit perfectly together.

“God I hate myself”

The only phrase I think of
When I'm pleading for things to back to normal
Back to the days
Where you didn't want to to crack open my skull
And see all of the ugly things
That drift around my cranium

“Baby please I'm sorry. I’m a mess,
A klutz, who waltzes around with stupidity
Baby I get this feeling in my head
When you are not around
I want to keep writing you these love letters
By sliding them under your doors called your eyelids”
But I can’t

I sit alone in the bus called life
Looking across my seat
I see you, my love
Holding onto the bar
Your pretty Blue headlights
That make me drawn to you
Your pretty Blue headlights
Covered with the rain I caused
I'm a rain man,
you see, when people get close to me
I get scared
And force the skies rain to tears with pain.


The only thing that floats in my mind
Is that I hope the man of you life
Buys you flowers
Sunflowers especially
And shows up to your work unexpectedly.
I hope you can travel to Paris
and keep a long list of all of the countries
you've cuddled in.
With him.
I hope you he can handle seeing the stars
From your eyes every time you guys cuddle
Under the moon light.
I hope he can teach you how to slow dance
And I hope that he can teach me
On how to be a better man.

I Craw in the Urban Jungle night after night, making shadows my best friend
Because my pale skin would get sunburn in the day time.
Many of you have read about me on the internet,
But don't know if we exist like the Yeti or Bigfoot
Every now and then you see photos of me and hear stories about our existence
But here I am, White, Nerdy and…. Nerdy

Nerdy like the Nerds falling out of the box and skipping on the floor of my lair
(or my parents basement whatever you call it).
Some moments you will find me praying to my shrine for my savior, Weird Al Yankovic

Many of you may call us “ Losers”
But let me take a moment to tell you why you are wrong, in every way.
First off, We are not losers we just win at things that you don't care about
Like the Rubik's Cube, Dungeon and Dragons, and Larping
We don’t care about making friends, getting the poo tang, or getting high off of our *****
No we are too occupied trying to plan how we will survive the zombie apocalypse,
Or debating on if Star Wars is better than Star Track.
We are too busy reading comic books, Leveling up our one handedness
On Skyrim of course.

You think that we are hideous,
But in all reality, my acne improves my defenses against mother nature,
My braces are actually tools that government uses so they can reflect solar flares back to space
I'm ugly because god decided to make me pick up girls on ******* mode because before you Meet me it was way too easy.

Many of you think that we are weak
I may have spaghetti arms, no abs, but you know what, no problem,
Because if you look at my shadow, you see someone that 10 feet tall and bulletproof
I am a nerd, hear me roar.

My roar breaks your paper thin confidence
As it just floats in the wind like leaves, leaving the tree in October
My roar will rock your house with all of your friends leaving you alone because in the end, you May be popular but lets be honest, who are your real friends?
Call me weak, I dare you

Being a nerd has taught me many things
Like don't eat cake because it is deceiving
And that Neo should of taken the blue pill
Because that movie series was terrible.
And that DC Comics is the best, ***** Marvel
But the one thing it taught me the most is that be proud of myself.

Sigh
I tap my pen on the desk like my teacher extracting my freedoms
and plastering it on the whiteboard.
He preaches and preaches about how he lost a game of golf last week
I need to take a dosage of education,
But whenever I take it I forget to check the side affects.

SIDE AFFECTS MAY INCLUDE;
-Boredom
-Faeries pulling down on your eye lids making you fall into the pit of sleep.
-Drifting in a car called imagination across this classroom.
-Hands are under mind control as you draw twisters in your notebook .
-NOTE: when you flip back to your notes when you are studying for a test,
they will be useless

Useless like "excuse me sir but is your love for the Broncos going to be on the test?"
I feel like this teacher is testing me not on the subject,
but how long it takes until one of the students in this class to go postal.

Too soon?
Sorry I should ship off my mouth to my mother
cuz mommas got the magic of Clorox Bleach
momma oh momma, use your powers to clean out my filthy mouth

yet he is still talking,
why is he still talking?
I'm still writing this poem,
Should I be writing notes on his college days
Or should I wait until his head lands on this landing strip
So he get his head can leave the clouds

Moonshine on your eyes
My watch tells me lies
Laying down on this truck bed
There is no way it is 4am
Because I feel so refreshed
Like a new day
Another time to see you.

The moonshine drips off my tears
When you tell me that you are not going anywhere
You see, I've hidden what makes me,me
I believed in the make believe
My dreams become reality.
Fairy tales do exist.

The moonshine reflects your soul
You see, it's a little bruised for the skeletons
These ******* skeletons left the fruit flies and the beetles
Caressing your wounded heart.
Your wounded heart stumbles through battle
The dead bodies are the lies
Disney princesses taught you
I want to stop ask
Do you want to come live in my arms?

The moonshine drips out my thoughts
I love you so **** much
Oh **** I didn't mean to do that
Yet you silenced me with the kisses, kisses
That fit with my lips in an ironic way.

The moonshine at 4am feels so new
I can't take my eyes off of you
Your dimples pop up when I tell you
Your response feels like harps playing this songs
A song that makes the cold melt
The moonshine is telling me something.
It's telling me what your lips and your dimples are saying.
I love you.

I had a moment of clarity
In my life
When I would wake up
From my night terrors
The train tracks outside my window
Wobbled louder than my sanity.
Yes you were there
Patrolling my dreams,
Sprinkling hatred
Over the innocence.
You were the fake ****
Who conducts lies
With your promises.
Your nails, nail the impression
That you practice
On voodoo dolls
Hanging in your soul.
Tearing each thread
Back to its spindle.
It cries.
Prying apart
Till frost vacates your heart
Into these dolls.

Look at you go!
Like Reptar,
You mustered the mightiest rawr
To scare everyone away.
Like reptar you are the toy,
Imagine that.

You see,
They use their imagination
To make you look like
What your faking to be.
Someone different.
You forced me
To lock you up in my dreams.
Murderous murders
Slaughtering anyone
Who mentions my name
So you can feed the meat
You store in the temple
Filled with thorns.

People say stick and stones
May break my bones
Yet your smile
Still shatters them to dust,
Stuck between your nails.
An inconvience.
That's what you would called it.

Hear ye hear ye
My apologies
For me not being clearly.
You must understand
My voice is a little drowned
By the lack of intelligence
You ponder about.
Especially when I glossed over the fact
That this is the poem
I've always want to throw down
Onto your trenches
On your forehead,
The gateway to the mind
Which conducted
The illist mistake
Thinking I'm not worth the time.

The sun its farewell to the skies
As it cranks out this unexplainable color
That Painters can’t make on their color pallets

The Wind creates this unexplainable noise
The wind gives you reasons to keep dreaming towards the sky
It is something that city slickers can't hear in the rowdy subways

At this time the sun bids me farewell
But don't worry, It will return
When it pokes its head out
On the east

The snow makes this humming noise
Can you hear it?
It’s the noise
That people described
When they were huddled
Around the campfires
Telling ghost stories
Back in the day
When the ground was soaking dry
And the tank top filled days
Ricocheted off of the boys
Chasing Bigfoot thought the cornfields.
The reflection of innocence
Left my mind
When reality kissed me
With her cigarette filled breath.
Leaving me
Cold,
Rusty,
Flaking away
From the radiant skin
That brushed off the cornfields.

The snow makes this humming noise
Can you hear it?
It sounds like my friends
Moving away
From the innocence
And transferring
To the school
Of harsh expectations.
They were forced
To take daily vitamins
Consisting of impractical expectations
Left by the people
Who said that they just couldn't do it.
You see,
My friends didn't follow the boy scout honor,
They left traces of themselves
Behind the cracks of my skull.

The snow makes this humming noise
Can you hear it?
Its sounds like the snow
Is giving a close shave
To the power lines
That crackle with apprehension.
I walk about the desserted Ice cream
That has foamed over the cornfields.
My feet seem to stick
To the people who wants me
To be just like my brother,
Whenever I creep
Through the creek of snow,
I get trapped by the vacant wasteland
All I can do is wait
For I am waiting for jack frost
to **** up my last breaths.
Crushing my soul
With the rhythm
of this humming noise
The snow makes.

I slave over slabs of stone
To practice the art
Of being called an artist,
Falling behind consistently
Has taught me
That no many slabs
I slay by your bedside
And pray by every book
I will keep getting trophies
For showing up

Please, oh please!
Could I be good enough?
Yet the howls of the titans
That rest on my subconscious
Screeching on the windowsill on my cranium
That I'm not good enough

Funny
The Mating calls
These gods cry out to my fate
Reminds me of my mother.
Calmly mentioning the same phrase
When she threw my PS2
Down the hollow stair cases
That lead up to my innocence,
Teaching me that life isn't a game,
No matter how many times
I would reset it.
It would keep playing
The same thing.
Why oh Why
Do you fall short.

Why am I not good enough
To be remembered?
No matter what I scream
I seem to be stuck in this bubble of
Who?
Whats his name?
I keep forgetting
That I was targeted
As being Incredibly forgettable.
For my punishment
I shall sit there

Wait what?
How Was I going to finish this again?

Dear America,

I will like to thank you for a couple of things
that i have noticed for a couple of years

Thanks for destroying humanity
I really want my kids to know that panda bears are from Chinese restaurants
and that Taco Bell originated from Mexico
all Asians know how to handle a Rubik's cube
like the curves on a women.

Thanks for posting these skeletons in magazines that we call models and telling everybody that this what beauty is, so girls can put your fingers down their throats
and guys can juice themselves up
because lets be honest personality doesn't matter, right?

thanks for killing creativity with your genocide
and lynching our education system
because our minds are the like the assembly lines for your standardized testing
if you don’t fill out the right bubbles that means that you are not smart like the rest of us
you see we are robots
if you don't fill out that bubble that you were not programed like rest of us
fill in out that bubble because
that bubble is going to determine if you go to a good college or not.
and remember community college means you are a failure.

Thanks for destroying our free time
Instead of stopping and smelling the roses we stop and take a photos for instagram
instead of going out and meeting new people,
we flash around our privates on the internet like it’s public property
because **** the love I want to get naked right?
because she only needs to loved for that one night?

We don’t have free time because we have to work on
Our Grades
Our Sports
Doing community service
So we can have these perfect resumes
and go to that perfect school
so you can go to that perfect job
and get married to that perfect love of our lives
and have three perfect kids
Retire and wait until your body decays into the earth
at that perfect timing

but wait life isn't perfect right?

Sincerely,
Voiceless Stranger

I want to be a father, that is strange coming from a 19 year old college student.
No not just to get laid or get the girl.
I want to teach my son the world.

I want to teach him that Laughter is the best medicine
I want him to prescribe a large dosage to all of the people who are down in the dumps,

I want him to call all of the girls pretty
Because it doesn't matter how much war paint they paint on their face.
No matter how many guys told her she is ugly,
She is still that princess that is sitting on that ivory tower and
She needs that prince charming to sweep her off her feet.
And when he finds the love of his life I want him to say,
”come on down you are the only contestant in my price is right.”

I want to teach him that Chivalry isn't dead
I want to teach him that politeness isn’t dead like Elvis
dead like retro disco and that one guy from Clue
I want him to know that nice guys don’t finish last
I want him to open all of the doors and always say please and thank you because politeness is the bandage over our gaping emotional wounds left by the people who lost their insecurities in their own dusty attics.

I want to teach him that imagination is the best tool
No no wait it is the ONLY tool
I want him to know that Calvin and  Hobbes does exist
I want him to know that when he is not around,
His toys become alive and have a thriving hidden city underneath his bed.
I want him to fight the monsters in his closet while reciting Beowulf .
I want him to know that its okay to be scared
I want him to explore the dark caves in the basement and to defeat that evil dragon that rest there.
Many of you call it a furnace, but is a dragon alright?
I want to read him bedtime stories so we can fly off to our imagination fighting epic thunder storms trying to find that perfect catch.

I want to teach him the good stuff,not math or science
but ethics, politics, history, and literature
I want him to know that its okay to be fearful of the unknown
and that Ignorance is the poison to our minds

I want to make recite Hamlet or Twelfth Night, so when people are all talking trash he can say “don't make me go Shakespeare on your ***.” and for those people who stand in his way.
I must warn them that his bruises will fade and his cuts will  heal but he tells you next will never leave your heart and will haunt you for the rest of his life. So go ahead call him names, see what happens.

I want to teach him to be passionate
I want to teach him that if anyone comes up to him and tells him that he can't do what he wants. I want him to bite his thumb and say listen buddy just wait before you know it I'll be the one who will be writing  my name on the wall of glory.

Now I know I am far from perfect, and I know he will be too, but I want to teach him that this world can be perfect, if you open up your mind and heart.

Freedom isnt free
Unless you're blood is clean.
Royal families trot over starving prisoners
Of people trying to have a better life,

 "This is America!"
Their hums fall over bums in Hollywood,
Look at them.
Fake as Hollywood watches on stands.
As the homeless attempts to scream out reality
To kids who wear their beats on.
They been liking this song
By the auto tunes
And really like the lyics
Written by someone.

"Lets not talk about that"
They chant this over their GMO's
And their MSG's splattered over fine china.
Pouting over becky's text
While the family puts on their mask
Of giving a ****.

What im trying to preach
Is that we are glued to ourselves
So we can ignore
The sticky situations around us

As I see you
Laying next to me
As the ghost
That never seemed to fade
Away from the
Destroyed shine of you
In my ajar mind
I was spooked
Like a child
I ran away
From what you spoke of,
Words I thought
You would never produce
Out of your vocabulary
I remeber words
Tripping out of your mouth
And into the treadmill
Of my mind.
Still running
Cutting deep,

Packing my bags
Was the hardest part
Of living with you.
Not the scratch marks
Left on my cage
It was the idea
That no matter how many bags I packed
I couldnt slow down those words.

You see,
You are my past.
Standing as the brick wall
In my future.
No matter how black and white I am,
You, my past
Will find the murky gray spots
On the crack of my skull
And keep running on this treadmill

This gun feels heavier
Than it does in my dreams,
The dreams that were constantly interrupted
By ***** of paper with familiar names I am called
By these people I can't show my face around them,

Especially during lunch time
Where I mold into my hunch again,
Don't you dare you call it a crutch again,
As I limp into the familiar stalls
Of this ****** bathroom
Where the **** I scream out platters on the stalls.
I keep praying to those walls
Until the choir next door
Starts balling to the basketball stars in the classrooms
Where they are taught
That everything is going to be okay

This blood feels sadder on my skin,
Each door I lock behind me
Doesn’t seem the muffle the police sirens
That echo through my memories of better times.

I plead once more to the walls
Please oh please!
Until the wrinkles on my knees
Were just as red as my white t shirt,
I don't want paper ***** to be thrown
At the Pinstripes I am forced to wear
Written on the crumbled paper
Would be my failures
That my mother would write to me.
And feed it under my jail cell
To help grow the fact that she failed

So here I am
Praying one more time
To this wall of old stuffed animals
Before the police kick the door in.
I’m praying to find happiness
Regardless of how many happy meals
I by for myself,
No matter how many full metal jackets
I pump out of this Glock
It does not cure me of my hollow heart.
I prayed and prayed
And no matter how many times I crossed my fingers
I could never escape to a better time.

Dear Walmart Girl,

I apologize for not having the guts
To say  hello to you
Like the hollow bamboo men
Who grow on you passing by each day,
Acting like you don't deserve the time of day
Ashamed of shopping at a Walmart.

But there I was,
Staring at you
Trying to find the words
To tell you are the most beautiful woman I've even seen
Through the sea of these bamboo people.
Your eyes of green shot through my stormy mind
And found a temporary paradise.
A place where
Even though a tiara isnt apart of the dress code for Walmart,
I would treat you like a princess.
And when my heart fades away,
The diamonds from my heart
Will escape from the coal
Called my ex's that never went to Walmart.

I apologize for staring at my black shoelaces,
I guess I was tied to the fact
That a women like you didnt exist.
But all I said was thank you
As I turned to the exit,
Recipt in one hand
And defeat in the other.
I couldn't come up with a pick up line
Or drop a complement.
All of the worlds
Were lost in the woods
Of the transaction.

Job interviews terrify me,
Imagine a sea of black suits
And fake resumes.
Shoving reality out of the way
So they can act like robots
And smile on que.

You see I wasn't taught how to be like everyone else,
So when I sat down for my interview,
I knew I wasn't going to get the job.
So I pop my mental knuckles
And said lets do this.
Papers shift and turn all over the desk
As the man in front of me tries to decipher the codes
Written in times new roman.
Hold the phone,
He stops and notices some red on my wrist.
He ponders out loud,
"Is that a rubber band on your wrist?"
I say of course.
Confused, he asks why?

I take a deep breath
And tell him the truth,
Yes that truth
Nothing but that unchanged truth.
You see sir
I keep this with me at all times
I need to be prepared for battle
A rubber band war

You see me
And my 20 something year old friends
Run around giggling
Like they just found laughing gas
For the first time
Because we don't want this piece of rubber hitting us,
We chase through walls of books in libraries
Trying to keep ourselves quite
While the grown ups investigate
Where the giggles
And bold thumps on the carpet are coming from.

Because why?
Because this red rubber band
Holds me down to earth
Like the rest of the kids
Who star gaze to their futures,
Spreading their what ifs
And "wouldn't it be cool if's" into the sky
Grown ups call them stars.
But kids call it dreams.
Do you want to why I have this red rubber band?
It's because it's a temporary reminder
To never grow up
And become apart of this sea of black suits.

These pillars that we call skyscrapers
Stretch to the skies looking for the gods that rest upon these clouds
Yet all I see are these prisons bars hiding the mountains.
This concrete jungle is trying to persuade me that
Only my dreams could touch the sky
Not my oily fingers that paint the pollution in the skies.

I need to escape,
LA lied to me
They told me that beauty is within the actors and artist
They are the stereotypes that run this city

I need to move east
Move to the Rockies
The mountains that cut deep within these clouds.
There will be the place that I flirt with immortality

Airline ticket in hand, I knew I was not going to come back
I knew when I smelt the Colorado air.
This air that is so new
Untouched by man
And unseen by the models from LA

I tracked towards the mountains on a trail
This trail is the golden compass that many men traveled on
As old ruins of ghost towns sit intertwined with mother nature
Teaching us that man will die and mother nature will go on.

I reached a lake
12,000 Feet above the city slickers and the cameras
Painted with the strokes that no artist can brush
I can't brush off the unexplainable feeling
Of not hearing a single person.
Although this wooden sign says that that I am at Nolan Lake
I still believe that I am in heaven.
Clouds roll over the Mountains to greet me.
Tears roll off of my cheeks
And create this waterfall
That crashes onto the base of the valley
Surrounded by the Titans called Mountains

My heart is clean
My mind is calm
My hands are moist by gods tears of joy.
I am happy

“life shouldn't exist before 10 am”

I muffle this in my pillow
Like a muted microphone,
Cussing out poetry lines,
Frustrated that I have to get up for work.
My eyes crank open to the optimistic sun
In the most unoptimistic way.
Watery and red,
I glance around the room
To find someone to blame,
However all I can find
Os this alarm clock,
Flashing it's lights at me.
That says 6:15,
But I feels like it's nap time for me,
I curl up in bed.

Wait!
The needy child called my job
Is slinking around my wrist
Giving me the urge to be adult like.
Mehh whyyya
Can't I be like the nerds
We make fun of
Who live in basements
And get a home cooked meal every night.
I lift my head up to hear the excuses my head Is making.
“you got student loans remember?
That and….
Car payments
Rent
Utilities?”

Alas, the battle that arouses
Between the trenches in my skull ends,
All of the smoke leaves my head
And pours into the coffee I'll drink.
Left and right side of my brain stop fighting
As I march on to work,
Doing the same thing
Everyone else is doing on this day
And my battle of waking up ends
Before it can rest on it.

Rawr
Like Reptar,
You started young and innocent
Blissful of the world’s sins
Spiraling in the alleyways

But oh no, not anymore

I see that her claws grew in
She has been practicing
With my heart
Dicing up the lies
And scattering them
In the darkest corners
Of my soul

“ Love, why do you smell like Shawn”

I can smell it under those claws
That slither up his spine
Gaining pleasure
From each dark spot
He leaves on your neck.

I see that her claws grew in
So she can scoop my past
And dump it on table
Look at what you did 6 months ago
Yet I never mention
Those dark spots

Until now

See everyone!
Her selfish claws grew in!
My now ex Girlfriend
Cheated on me
And found it
Justified

Rawr
That is the sound
Of kicking people
Out of my life
I hide in this cave
Terrified of my past
The past that stained my tears
All that is left is
Big
Dark
Spots

A red checkered fleece
Wonders through tall oaks
That pose for photos
Waiting to be remembered in time.

Like all of us
We stare at satellites
That try to blend in with city skylines
Praying to the nearest star
That we can be remembered.

Not in the man
In the red checkered fleece though
He practices being mechanical
By repeating the same tasks
Of knocking down
These photogenic trees.

It all is the same you see
Same fleece ,you better believe
Same dirt on his knees
Same dirt that is in his shoes
To remind him
Of his ***** stance
On his actions from his past.

The past isn't the past
If it's accompanied
By the purest of souls.
Each time the trees dance in sync
With the howling winds
He hears the moaning sorrows
Left on his porch side.
On the 3rd of July

Everytime he takes a break
From breaking these trees' dreams,
His hands shake
From his attempts
To cold turkey the drug
Called her eyes.  

His sore veins died in vain
Slithered into these trees,
Hugging the roots of these oaks
That creak from time
That rest on their shoulders

Time
Time is his enemy
As lumberjacks stray from time
As they don't wear watches
When they work
As managers watch watches
To tell them what time to go home However this lumberjack
Slaves over the labyrinth
He created for himself
For the punishment
He feels he deserves.

He digs his tail
Of destruction through these trees.
Hoping that his path to self discipline
Freezes with the autumn snow.

Sometimes I wish
This pant dries slower
Around this canvas
That curses my name,
Every drag of smoke
That reaches into my subconscious
Meets my hand
To pen
To ink
To this blank idea,
I guess this is all i got
I curse the lords name
Throwing the pen
Against this yellow wallpaper,

Depression is only called
To the ones who can see
The writing on the walls,
Left in blood red,
Words that make me a victim
Of labeling what it means
To be a victim.

This pen sounds like my mother,
White powder filled with innocent memories
Stick to the keys
She could always conduct
The simplest symphonies
The sting to her words
Wrap the vacuum cord around my neck.
Terrorist apart of the self doubt group called my insecurities
Swing at me like a pinata,
Crucified to my old drafts
Of this blank canvas,

I scream enough I say,
My words cast a light
Through the pen
Shattering this oddly warmer room
I pick up the pen
And write on this canvas

The rain drips off of your hair
you stare at me
As your smile spreads across your face,
I stare into your eyes
That reflect my soul
Like the puddles on the ground
Reflecting like the raindrops
Running down your pale cheeks
The longer I stare at you,
The more I realize that this is a good as it gets.
You hold me closely
As we sway back and forth.
I wasn't certain about this
Because I never knew how to dance yet.
yet we dance to the rhythms of the raindrops dripping on ground
Holy cow we are slow dancing in the rain!
you grab on to my jacket tightly
And you said don’t let me go

Yet, my arms start slipping away from you
Like to drops of the rain
Leaking from the sky
I try to grab on but it seems like it is no use
I seem to slip and now
You are stuck in the shadows called my past
Now I laying in these four walls
Looking at the ceiling
Knowing I made Mistakes
And knowing that
You won't lend out your hand to me
For one more dance.
And it feels like my world is falling apart,
Like the paint on the walls

heh its funny
I can compare my ego
to this paint,
More you peel me apart,
The more you see who I really am
When you break down my wall of insecurity,
You see how I truly am, fake, rude, selfish
Whatever you call it,
It’s hideous because it drove the only person
That really mattered away.

This Clock laughs at me
When no one is around
“ Cant get sleep can ya?”
“ Its because your conscious is eating you up”
“It is all your fault”
“ tick tock, tick tock”

You haunt my mind
When the moon shines up in cloudy sky
As this ceiling looks like it is melting off,
Like the candle wax in an old cottage

You don't just haunt me at night
The ticks from the clocks in class
Reminds me of how many seconds
You are not with me
If time flies,
I want it to fly away
And to never come back,
So I can just stare at this ceiling.

Welcome to my programmed event
Here in the stadiums
That I built under my innocence
I've working on a new test,
A new subject

That subject is called her
I've been pulling
On a few of her strings
And tested her
To the limit of no return

Remember her?
Probably not
Because
She left that smile
In the waiting room
The one you saw
When You talked her
About Canadians waiting in line
You didn't realize
That I was a ticking time bomb
For her demise

The test are done
The lab is closed
And I am presenting a hypothesis
On how to break someones heart

Lets starts with if's and then's
If you scream ****** ******
Then you execute her buckets
That hold liquid pain
If you look closer
You will see that the patient
Will quiver due to her soul
Being electrocuted
From the shock therapy
That my words
Joyfully give off.

If you you repeat stuff
Then the patient's oils
Will leak off the face
Leaving the hollow,
Evacuated soul
Searching for survivors
In the damaged hearts

If you take her for granted
Then you will be alone
No one to watch movies with you
On a Friday night
No one to make you realize
How lucky you are

If you are alone
Then the oils
Will leak off your face
Leaving the hollow,
Evacuated soul
Searching for survivors
In the damaged hearts

The boy with no words
Sitting in a doctors office
The words Autism was cast on him
Like the wizards in the books his mother reads him
This boy sees his mother
leaning on a wall for comfort as she screams
“Oh god why!”
The screams paint the walls
Doctors try to act like they feel her pain
Throwing around comforting words
Just so she could shut up
The doctors are embarrassed
Because other patients are looking
Shaken up like the soda cans
They crabbed from the lounge
The Boy just sits there
On the glossy floor, thinking
“Get up, we are missing Saturday cartoons”

I'm starting to have trouble finding this sleep.
I'm searching for sheep
So I can count them down
To the corner of rest and relaxation street.
Yet I find something else instead.
I find these places where your name is.
Hiding under all of the demons
I battle daily by seeing you cross my mind.
I try to look elsewhere
Maybe I should look at this melting clock
That keeps laughing at my face,
Every chuckle burns deeply Into newest members
Of the darkest parts of my mind.
I'm being crucified with my own thoughts.
****** yet bounded to the fact
That I just need some ****** sleep.

I'm not alone though.
Someone,
Something just spawned In my room.
Hairy, grotesque, and I can't look away,  
It smells like rotten wood
And the cracks that poison my skull
This
Thing
Starts to ascend towards me
With each breath that I was searching for.
It crawls up my bed
And in the darkest of nights
I am on my own
And here we go

I left my fake smile
At my house
Next to my innocence
I hide my fears
In a locked cabinet
Near where I hold hate
The hate that makes the floorboards
Creek deep within the night
Trying not to wake up the past
So I can sneak a few handfuls of Cheerios
To help crave my selfishness
I want you to count
The dark circles around my eyes
The circles are like the center of a tree
The amount of circles counts up
To the last time I had imagination
Come play at my house
This house is nothing but a butterfly net
It captures all the beautiful things
That flap around my life

I hate to break it to you but i miss you a lot
Missing like my ability to get over you
because people always say that there are many fish in the sea,
but you see you are the only fish i will ever need,
I swim for you like Nemo across the world.

Although my feet may be tired and my legs sore
you keep running in that treadmill that trumps my mind
so i know that I'm going to keep on swimming just like Dorothy  
because i miss your face like hell
I miss your laugh and smile
I miss our long nights of talking because it was pure emotion.
it wasn't squeezed out like the mustard packets we call our friends.

it was realer than Real World
it was so real that it felt like i was shot out of this world with a rocket on my back
your words are rare but they aren't rusty like everyone else
like that Anvil that is making me sink to the bottom of this ocean.
I want to be like Dante and dive through hell even if my feet blister and bleed.
because you give me a reason to keep on being me
i know that no matter what i do you will always wont let me forget my roots
you're like the grass that hugs my tree because without you I feel incomplete

I miss you like a lot
Can you please come back
so I can kick up my blistered feet with you

I spray my regrets I spit out in a flask
So I can let them out later
When I get across this Finish Line  
People tend to stare from afar.
It's okay everyone does.
They use their instruments
Trying to decipher who I am.
The only thing they know
Is that we are all on the same starting point.
On this starting line
Waiting for this race to end our racing minds
And before the warning shot starts

I see you.
You start asking me these questions,
Who are you?
What are you?
When did you cross my mind?
Where have you been all my life
Why have I not seen you before?

Oddly enough the last time someone has asked me
These types of questions
Was when someone like you asked
Who do you think you are?
What are you still doing here?
When did you get here?
Where were you?
Why couldn't you be more like him?
Him
Him  

That hymn echos in my ears
To remind me of my daily dosage of bleach
To make my insides feel clean.
So I apologize when I see your beautiful face
And your beautiful Venus flytrap eyes
That lead me into another path just like this one.

The only thing I will tell you is that,
You have to start to run,
Away.
Through these empty streets.
Away from my mind
As my corrupt thoughts
Possess you like these glass bottles
That I hide messages of dark thoughts in
To find out that you should have never said Hello to me.

So turn the other way,
Run
it's okay.
Everyone else does too.

I slog through this museum of people living their best life.
I hold my phone tightly.
Like an emotional support animal,
Cocooned in my bed.
I dig through people's lives like someone stuck in an avalanche.
The only movement I have are my fingers, swiping.
My body groans as it realizes it will be frozen through time.
It's 1PM and I’ve been awake since 6 AM scrolling.
It's hard to breathe, I can feel the weight in this Sarcophagus I built.

I force myself to focus in my own lane.
I can see someone had their heart broken,
It stands out in a crowded room like a glow stick.
Everyone can see your pain.
Everyone knows that we have been there and they regretfully have done that.

So let me stay on my island,
Barricading my insecurities and tucking them into my vulnerabilities
Until you can't see what’s hindsight with my 20-20 vision.
I’ll pile my damaged goods till it seeps out of the storage boxes with childhood toys in my mind
You will see my mind will grow calluses that built this lighthouse on my island
To let people know that I am damaged goods.
So steer clear, find your cargo elsewhere else.

So let's hear it,
What makes you think I can trust you.

I wish I could write about this
Yet every sentence
Seems to be a run onn,
Intertwined with the lines
On the road that my mind is drawn to

My phone keeps buzzing
And my mind is shut off
5 missed calls
4 people saying
3 words,
Don't leave us.
The bass of my brash decision
Pushes on my leg,
Reminding me to stay in my lane.
2 times I tried to pull off these vines
That drag me to this train station
Of the dark side of my mind,

I get out of my car,
Hands sweating,
The air seems heavy
As I beckon to the ticket office

I say hi
Yet the ticket clerk looked low to the ground
As she shreds the ticket
From her defunct hair
Causing the gates to limbo adjacent from her open.
I take a deep breath
And I take
1 step forward

There is a tide
Roaring up to my toes
As I am glued
To this crummy sand
This sand was God's plan
To bread the ashes
So we can store it in Poseidon's belly
I was the leftovers
From the City Hopkins Dance
Be kind
The sob stories
Are locked up
With the " how do you do's"
And the "I'm feeling fine"

There is a tide
Roaring up to my knees
People need to stop pleading
If they noticed me
Lurking in the shadows
Tied down behind them
They were too busy
With the racket ***** on recess
Maybe I could believe in it
Every white lie
Wiped across their unconcerned faces.

There is a tide
Roaring up to my wounded heart
Yes the heart
The heart that lays in my chest
The same chest that you laid on
Strawberries
That was the last thing I remember
About you

Fake gold swirls on this desert floor.
The ashes of my care free innocence
Are running through my pessimistic hands.
It sticks under these rusty finger nails.
Like your last goodbyes,
They leave me with a cynical grin.

"Come for me I dare you!"

My brash wish was under your command,
As my hoarse throat neighed
Questing for relief,
Water,
Anything,
I beg you.
Maybe this request really wasn't mine to offer
My aged eyes roll back
To the games of dice I played as a kid,
Tossing what little worries I had away
As I became
A part of
The sand.

I called in sick today from work.
My boss thinks that I am faking sick,
That I'm off hanging out with my friends and creating memories.

Well you can say he is right,
No scratch that, he is wrong, kind of
You see I'm not sick I'm just a little unwell
I started noticing the symptoms when the morning blues started to wrap me around
In this blanket called heartbreak
I didn't like it, so I tried to grab a cup of coffee.
But no matter how many times I would try to escape, she would tell me to come back to bed.
I would I turned around to see her but there was no one there.
Heartbreak is playing tricks with me as all I see on these sheets are my past with her

It was getting worse
I grabbed my car and rushed to the hospital
The doctor grins at the x rays while decoding them in the light
My fingers gallop on my knees as I say "what is it doctor am I dying of a broken heart?"
He turns and says " no your heart is just too big"
"Sorry sir I don't understand" i scratch my head because my mind wasn't clear
You see it was foggy from all of my thoughts steaming in my head
I couldn't see because she was the only reason to release the steam
My doctor tells me that he knows what I need but he tells me that I need to find it.
So he can't aid my broken heart

The Doctor exiled me to my car.
But did I forget my keys?
I pull a TSA and strip search my pockets the pennies, nickels, and dimes escape
And hide under the Car for refuge

Then something happened.
You showed up.
You were so pretty
Scratch that, you are so ******* beautiful
You told me that I dropped a quarter
I reply by saying thanks for dropping into my life.
we left the car and walked in the cold winter night we talked and talked
although my feet were freezing, I still felt warm with you.
one time I was cuddling with you and noticed a scar down your chest
I asked what is this?
you told me that your heart is weak and is broken
from the people who left their egos in their high school gym lockers.
I kissed you and told you let me help with that.
I can give you some my heart
Because sharing is caring and I care so ******* much that if anything ever happened to you id Be like women’s pockets, pointless
we laughed as we stared at the popcorn sprinkled on the ceiling.

I got rid of those sheets the other day
I don't see the blues anymore
I see you
I probably need to go back to work
But sometimes I will occasionally call in sick so I can create memories with you

Oh love, Oh love
Please don't forget
My last dying words
The Words that seep
Through the crevices
Of your smile

Oh love, Oh love
How you saw deep
Through my laugh
And Dug deep
Through the messages
I sent to you
Flickering the strobe lights
To see if anyone cared
And you love deep
Through every thorn
you saw the beauty
Through my heart

Oh love, Oh Love
Please forgive me
I have a monster inside me
Snugged deeply
By the 10 year old me
The sticks and stones
Most certainly broke my soul

The creature is restless
Left to defend itself
From the whispers
Left in the wind

Oh love, Oh love
Death will come take me
He will leave no note
He won’t tell you
That you were right

Hey mom,
I wish I could have stuck around
So you could have taught me
On how to be a better man,
Yet I ran
From the shadows
That grabbed onto my feet.
Momma you called it the past,
Yet I see it as my psychological jail sentence
For the mistakes ive made,
My ego was shattered
And dug deep into the roots
That twist along my body

Hey mom,
I wrote you this soft poem
To let you know
That I've never seen hunger
Like this ground
That dispatches of my skin,
This shollow resting ground
Is a lot smaller than my room.
I do not search for apologies or answers
To my last questions,
I found those blowing in the wind
Next to were my last breaths were sung

I hate starting poetry lines
I hate lying
I hate the ending of my favorite songs
I hate the beginning of my favorite poems
I seem to definitely hate the beginning of this poem

I hate how paper airplanes
Drift to the ground at some point
Now come think of it
I hate gravity
For letting me
And this **** paper airplane down

I hate love songs from millionaires that get some
And I hate the people that complain that they get none
I hate friends from benefits
Who benefit from my body
And pretend that they benefit from my soul
I hate how time flies by when you're having fun
I hate how time feels slow when I'm feeling alone

I hate when people walk slower than me in crowded hallways
I hate how long my legs are
I hate how stores can't find pants my size
I hate when I can't say the right things
I hate when I say the wrong things
I hate that It makes me feel alone

I hate negative people
I even hate people who are too positive
I'm so positive that it makes me feel negative
Yet I i'm so positive to the fact
That I lie to myself saying to i've moved on
And what I mean from that was from your bed to my couch
And what I mean is that I hate getting distracted
I mean I hate trying to find things to distract me

I hate the smell you give off
And I hate not smelling it
I hate seeing your picture
Yet I hate never seeing it again
I hate that it makes me feel empty
I hate that part of me was left with you.

My hands can't make a fist
Like yours.
They tremble
Shaking off the stone
That the colossi painted
Over their slumber parties as kids
The cracks that divide my hands
From freedom.
My dry hands
Are dehydrated
From the lack of love
No moisture
My tears could only be used
To break through
The thoughts of hell
I cannot spare
To shed another.

Don't dare you touch my hands
Look closely
Those blue veins
Are memories
I avoid at school cafeterias
They hide
Under my callous hands
Which work to no goal
Only to dreams
Scattered on the ***** floor

Oh?
Your smile
Seemed to wake up my pores
And prove me wrong
By telling me

It’s going to be okay

Yes Yes
I can make a fist like that
But only if I'm holding your hand

Whats worse
Saying hello the last time
Or introducing myself

Eyes glued
To the unknown parts
Of the ground
Not knowing
That you would be the reason
I write poetry.
The reason
I cant go back to sleep
In the early hours
Or the reason I fall in the woods
And no one
Hears my screams
But only in your dreams
Is where you will find them.

There they are.
Slowly drinking diet coke
Until It dies.
Way to play your part
On making me a better person,
I just wished
You could of taken it eaiser
On the low blows
And the jabs you took
Which gave my heart
3rd degree burns
Which were scrapped
On the closed roads
Of my weaknesses.

Can you please talk quieter?
I'm still trying
To find the reasons
Why I took that pill
To follow your rabbit self
Into the swiss chess
Called your logic.

Now I sit here thinking
What felt better
Saying goodbye
The first time
Or saying good riddance
The last time.

I think you are so pretty
No I'm not saying that to get your number
And to slither down your pants
So I could feel loved for a night

I just want to let you know
That Photoshop the is poison to the image called your heart
Super models in magazines have it all wrong,
No matter how much you touch it up
I can still see that girl at the senior prom
Waiting on the door step
Waiting for the object called man
Because all of the movies teach you that you can live without one

I know you are an angel,
Drifting through life
Like dandelions drifting through the Colorado air.
Somehow without anyone constantly reminding you
That your parents telling you that you are a princess
Isn't just an empty complement
It is their hearts having a waltz with yours
Trying to forget the rusty anchors that are holding the real you in check.
You keep forgetting to let it go.

Let it go
Let it go like the cigarette burns
That swell your personality into madness
It drives you to the point
Where you see what the bullies at school call you

Ugly
Ugly is written in five languages is still called ugly
But you can't see that ugly is just a word.

I'm not saying that you should be women that don't need no men
Because no one likes those people
I'm saying that I'll be waiting for you,
When you want someone to hold your hand
While you watch romantic comedy
Or when you want someone to just hold you
I will be that prince charming that comes to the rescue
Even if you are that girl that is sitting on that porch.

Maybe i’m foolish
Maybe i’m too kind
Maybe i'm stubborn
Maybe it's your laugh
Or your rockin ***
Complemented by the nice smile

Maybe I should get out of my seat.
Maybe I should talk to you
Maybe I should not have tripped on my shoelaces
Maybe I should complement your tattoo
Maybe we should talk so much
That the librarian has to kick us out for letting out that laugh you have.

Maybe you like me
Maybe you are just trying to be friendly
Maybe you are a pushover
Maybe i'm just being too aggressive
Maybe I should take you out to dinner
Maybe I should look at your beautiful eyes when I ask
Instead of snow angels on the ground with my feet

Maybe you said yes
Maybe I thought you said yes
Maybe you didn't mean to say yes
Either or im jazzed
Maybe I should wear a bowtie
Maybe I should wear suspenders
Maybe both….**** it
Maybe you likes chinese
Or Maybe indian!
Maybe I should ask
Or maybe I should take initiative

Maybe I should knock on her door
Or ring the doorbell!
Maybe I should give you the time of your life!
And maybe I will go stargazing
But It would just me staring at you
Because the stars are in your eyes
Maybe I'll tilt my head in
And feel your lips pressed into mine
And maybe you will never have
To have a first date ever again

But I don't
I don't approach you in that library
I don't compliment your tattoos
I don't even hear your thoughts
That make you mentally shout at night
You won’t even teach me how to dance
Or how to deal with your parents who wouldn't like me
Instead I just watch from afar
You look at me
Which forces me to make snow angels on the ground with my feet
As you grab your books
And leave the library.

I force myself
To endoure the treck to my past,
The source of why
I don't leave
My vacant cave at night.
Every now and then,
I scavenge this place
We called our playground
Looking, searching
For last batch of complements
To motivate my ego
To treck these tragic events
That partook in this place.

Every streetlight
That pierces the night
Reminds me of the new fashion trend
I picked up called loneliness.
I wish I could take
This coat of depression off of me.
No how many times
I can't shake the feeling
It sticks on me like the Elmers glue
That I stuck to my hands in preschool.

I wish this conflict would subside
Through the silence.
All I can do now
Is climb this familiar path,
Draped over the clouds
Where I can't see my future for
Miles, miles,miles.
Just being stuck in the crevice
That wispers in the wind,
"I'm not as magnificent
As you thought I was"

What do you mean when you say you want another chance?
another chance, to hold me by your puppet strings,
to yank my heart and put it on another roller coaster
and make it go through these turns all over again.

you know what
I'm done

I'm done with you taking me for granted
I'm done with with this roller coaster going around and around  
like how you go around in my mind
while you sit there and watch me in pain
I'm done with your game of
these ******* strings pulling me around called love
I'm done with your lies

you don't love me
you just love the idea of me
you love that man that cares about you
you love that man to chase you around and around
a man to sit on that roller coaster that you oh so love
You love a man who you can wake up to every morning

but you don’t love me back
you don't want to go through that roller coaster
round and around like our augments we have on a daily bases
Oh wait, now I'm special to you?
All I felt was this : helplessness
helpless like those sleepless nights that you made me go through
making me hear the ticks from the clock by my bed side
I was sentenced to stare at my ceiling.
because I couldn't stare your eyes that are oh so capable of holding lies
but now I'm done
I'm breaking out of these chains and my sentence is served.

I search my scattered brain
To find the devil
That crawls inside of me,
Each time I see your eyes
This creature of my habits
Wraps itself around my eyes,
Laving me blinder than any of these three mice
That scavenge for food
In the humid swamps of self esteem.

I scare myself.
Why do i keeping seeing this walls
With thick black oils,
Making everything feel colder,
wrapping around my future,
I couldn't see through it
Until I forced my hand
And set my world on fire.

All of the ashes have been swept way
Leaving this frost around the amusement park
Of my sad sad heart
Wishing that the only smile
To shine through the crowds
Would not pass me by.

Yet the light draws itself away,
Leaving me with an empty view.
Watching life pass me by

Come with me
On a quest to the end
Of this chapter of my book.
Each page is ripped and wrinkled
Because sadness
Doesn't come with tissues.

The issues
Swirl around
In this snow storm.
You can hear it
When you're hair is my mouth
And your head
Lays on my heartbeat.
Can you feel it through the tissue?
My bones pop like fireworks
Dancing under the hope
That filled my lungs.
Hope couldn't float
On the ice crystals
That left this barricade
As I trek
Through this snow storm,

I wish this coffin
Would have room for one more
No not one more person,
Just the memories
That peer around
Every dream I am tortured with.

You see,
My mind is trying to find out
Why I took the plunge
And let you use my notes
On the test
On how to break my heart.

My eyes are dressed
In a nightmare black
So no one can see through them.
No one can see what you could.
The blinds are shut
And nobody is home
As I keep creaking around
This snow storm.

Scream’s stains these walls,
Throwing around words that we don’t mean.
Storming down the stairs
Saying things that give me chills down my spine,
Please don’t do that.
These men in blue come into the house.
Screams of pain are thrown from them
Detaining the animal you have become.

When I saw you walking around,
I really wanted to say something,
Something that would make you turn around
So I can see your intruded red face
Jack frost seemed to be only thing
Touching your lips tonight
As I say something
Something
So I can hear you say something
Yet you wanted to hear nothing
Said nothing
So now I feel like Nothing
As you turn around
Kick up the dust
Inviting the hounds
Of this parking lot
To swallow me whole
Yet I wont think of anyone else
But you