He looked ****** for a few hours, sleep in his eyes and pain on his face
We laughed and joked, basking in the light of young bravado and strength, he'd walk this off, three steps from rubbing some dirt in it
But death was a plastic sheet away
A curtain separated us from our future, the lights will go dark and the jokes won't make sense
Sickness has little pull when your strong and 20, but **** across the curtain a man was drowning
And someday we will taste the same water full our lungs

Step into my minds eye, feel your hand on your chest and feel nothing and nothing
The world is a screaming rippling blur, a dropped boulder in a pond, someone has asked you to repeat yourself, you still talk to fast
Water stills and you are blinded by joy and pride someone laughs at that thing you said
The sun and the moon are running opposite races, the speed of light is the speed of a word, darkness rushes in, thought wishes it was faster
A hole jumps into your mouth at the sound of voices, hammers on gongs bring you to your knees
"your father is on the phone"
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you"
"I need you to drop me off"
"I'm sorry there is nothing we can do for her anymore"
"You look just like him"

Pull the death out of my gut
Pull the pellets out of me and examine the names that tore me, if you have the grace to worry about seeing your name, you will find the name of a stranger
Be careful of the postmortem, I'm sorry tremors of my hands
born from the post beating tears
from the post script of your disappointment
After I'm dead I'm still sorry that I bothered you  
You look at my heart and dare to wonder why it is as shriveled as my corpse  
You burned the love out with sideways glares frontways sneers I wish you just gave honest backwards smiles

I'm dying of thirst but I'm afraid to ask for a drink
I'm starving for a connection but I turned my phone off
Look look, look at me, I have lots of great qualities! Please god don't leave me alone with my **** and my headphones
I'm used to fighting off sleep at 3am with beauty in my eyes and red in my cheeks
Now the sun drags me down with it

Look up and see and the stars?
You mean the light pink, blood in the water darkness?
I have never seen stars, I know the sound of trains and cars, horses and stillness are as foreign to me as your touch
I'm sorry for my wonder, my sky only shines with artificial beauty

I never realized it would come down to this

Walking on eggshells like broken bottles
Praying my hand won’t clutch down on the throttle
Cause between the other side and I is only a mile
And all my second chances lie in the corner stacked in a pile

Often enough, I visit these ghosts and ask if I can stay awhile
And despite the fact that their intentions are as transparent as their torsos,
Sometimes I can’t see through their smile

When ‘scared shitless’ is an understatement
And the best part of this day was just surviving this day
Hope seems to find its way out when you can’t
But always leaves a note explaining why it couldn’t stay

So I’ll continue to let myself hate

You told me I could be so much better
And wouldn’t have to wait until night to embark
Well some shadows are darker than others
And you aren’t the one with eyes that glow in the dark

Because hiding my fangs is the closest thing to love I’ve ever met
And when you tell me you love me,
Regrets fire through my head like shotgun blasts carrying a threat
They say, “You don’t love me, you just don’t hate me yet”

And I don't want you to hate me

So yeah I still sleep with one eye open
But I’m also awake with one eye shut
And I’m living with one foot in the grave
But dying with one hand digging it’s way up

I’d be happy to die a martyr
Anything not to die alone
And I’d be happy to walk a little bit farther
If I knew I was almost home

But instead my heart keeps beating on in spite of itself like a broken wind-up doll waiting for the timer to run out
And finally catch a good night’s sleep

But a good night’s sleep
Is harder to find when you’re six feet deep
Just praying to god the bell actually rings
And someone above somewhere is actually listening

But they aren’t
At least I don’t believe they are

So I’ll hold my breath and hope
Hope god didn’t give the noose the strength to hold its iron grip around my throat
And wait for the air to find its way back into my lungs
In the meantime, studying the way the rope is strung

And I’m afraid to change
But I think I’m more afraid of staying the same

So I’ll move to the edge and etch a sketch
To remind myself it’s less about how far you can reach
And more about how far you’re willing to stretch.

Some men look for Jesus, but I'm looking for Cain
I'm vibrating out of my skin and I'm not looking for saving I'm looking to be shaken by the earth
I'm done, don't help me I'm going on a walk
Something is broken and my muscles are done limping, I'm gonna tear it out, throw it to your feet and turn my back to your reflection
Masks, excuses, and old scars have shaken off and if I die that's ok, I'd like a go at being a flower