From what I’ve known
I have one goal

FREEDOM

I worked so hard
To end my sentence

Though I’ve won the war
And thought I am at last a victor

Yet it doesn’t feel like liberation
Until I realized

I never knew what
Freedom really means.

Maybe I've felt more loneliness
Than happiness in my entire life
But those pleasant times
That my heart is in bliss
Are precious breaths
That I have to keep

And suddenly I realized that all of this,
The gun, the bombs, the revolution
Has got something to do
With a girl named Marla Singer.

Cornelius, Rupert, Travis, Tyler Durden
Who could really tell how many are we in a single body?
Mind creating multiple personas, good or bad
Or both could mean the same thing,
A label, a name as it is,
Could mean something or nothing

And there could always be a Tyler Durden
The Bold and Free, The Enlightened one

We see ourselves as we’d like to be
Good or Bad? Again, we decide what is right
Founder of our own fellowship
For our own Project Mayhem
For a girl named Marla Singer..
What again is a Project Mayhem?

**All I know is…
First and Second Rule:
You do not ask questions about PROJECT MAYHEM.

-
I’d scream for death
With this pain inside

So take this broken heart,
Oh my remaining card

I’d rather lose all the love
And trade it for a cold rock

Beg for your enchanted hand
That’s fond of collecting hearts

Seize the grief is my only demand,
Oh Queen of Hearts of Wonderland.

:
and i think....
I enjoy being depressed
*and write about it.

we've met somewhere in a magical place
a misty dream where our souls dance together
we've got drunk by our connection
electrified by in-explainable energy
that suddenly explode to nothingness
and i wonder if you got hurt like i do
got lost in a grey forest without trees and flowers  to talk to
got your eyes bleed from crying because you miss me like i miss you.

It's not what the book describes
That winged human-like flying above the sky playing a harp
That silvery immortal being shining so bright
That hero protecting you from any evil situations and suddenly show up to save you wherever part on earth you are
Or... or that angelic face that by looking, makes you feel heaven is so near
Cause literally I've never seen one that'll make me believe that heaven is for real.

No, I've never seen one, none when I was in the hospital twice
None even when my brother died
That angel the book describes never appeared to say I'll be fine
That angel I hope to show up in front of me and literally sing an angelic song and make the whole scene bright
Literally I've never seen one, none in those darkest days of mine
Nothing like the book says come.

But I've known Angels! They save me million times, a miracle in disguise!
Angels that are not human-like but humans like me, breathing and living
Though they can’t fly, they always come and sing with me to brighten those darkest days of mine
Angels that somebody God delivers when I'm in trouble with myself, trouble finding my way
Strangers I've met in those moments whose voice were so angelic that I can't refuse to listen, that everything they might say will matter
And likewise Angels that are burning in space twinkling shining so bright that by staring, makes me dream and smile in those lonely nights of mine.

An Angel could be that anyone or anything that touches our hearts in those moments we need most
An Angel is a family, a friend, a stranger, could be a star for what I believe!, or anyone, anything that'll make you feel that life is worth living
An Angel is the one that inspires us to do something good and to be good for the people we care, who care for us, or just for all the people
An Angel is the one that saves us in those desperate  moments, held us and whispers to keep on going despite the pain this world brings, we’ll be fine
An Angel is the one that helps us find our way in those strangest places we’ve been and makes us believe that there's a dreamland waiting to be our sweetest home
An Angel is the one that shows kindness, and make you feel that heaven is for real.

"An Angel is a Miracle, or... that Miracle is An Angel".

There’s always an impenetrable space between knowing and not knowing what to think, what to feel and what to do at troubling times.

This place gets old
Stained walls,
Broken roads..
Surrounded, crowded..
Still, familiar..
Only familiar
Something's different
The scent?
The people? You?
Ah, No more you...

Your walk,
How you look..
More certain..
Different from what I've known
Is it change?
Is it the clock?
That keeps ticktocking
And every tick is a step
Taking you away
Far from me..

Time changes everything
Wait, no, no..
Time leads us..
To 'who we're suppose to be'
We don't change..
In process of getting to know
We discover,
This life
This place
Ourselves.

i envy the winds who still witness you*

-rupi kaur, the sun and her flowers

If only death is temporary
A break, a vacation
I would take it for a month, or a year
To rest, to be free from all anguish
And return when I'm ready
To feel something again.

It feels good
To be taken care of
As well as to do the same

~
                *I can hear someone’s footsteps

Lingering around my frozen body
                        
                 Would you please help me…

I know this is just a dream
With melodic tune
Enchanting me to stay asleep
Uttering to relish this reverie
And never wake up…

                    He caught me easily

Trapped in this delusion

               His beauty overwhelmed me

A dream that seems so real
That I’d choose to stay asleep,
A dream that’s so wonderful
That I’d let him drown me with his charm,
A dream that lured me…

             I’d trade my reality,

Light over darkness

                      Convenience over danger

This dream is overruling
Offering every goods I wish to possess
Persuading that I wouldn't want to wake up
I’d lose him or I’d lose myself is the only option he gave
And I’m paralyzed, and throttled, unable to make a decision


Wake me up

Before I'd surrender my last heart beat
Yes, I’m panting, hardly gasping
Begging for air, I need to breathe
To think clearly that he's just a fantasy,
A fallacy that I can’t live within eternally...

                 I’m sinking in this sweet perfection

Slowly taking me to somewhere

          So dark and cold and mysteriously captivating…

Yes I wanted to come,
I can see him in the dark, grinning
So strange I’m not afraid, not a bit
Enjoying the pleasure of being half dead,
The comfort of serenity is undeniably alluring


                 Yet.... half dead means I'm still half alive,

Aware of the truth

                     That he’d never become real

I know.... this is just a dream
With melodic tune
Enchanting me to stay asleep
Uttering to relish this reverie
And never wake up…

                     ....but I can hear someone’s footsteps, a hope

Lingering around my frozen body

                 Would you please help me…


I wanted to wake up.

I am
filled
with
clouds &
confusion

-
Have you ever been in a moment?

When you wake up in the morning
You see it all blank
You feel like you’re nothing
Everything has no meaning
Asking yourself ‘why am I here’?
Why am I living but feeling dead
Why am I still here?
Asking what’s the purpose?
The reason for all of this
Then you find no answer
And you want to end it in a click
But you can’t
Because at the same moment
You still want to live
Be one of the braves
Whose still fighting
And you still have hope
That one day in a million days
You’ll find the answer
The reason why you’re in this moment

*Beholding the past
Dying today
And living for tomorrow.