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Life,
Does it mean something?
Are we all poets?
Are we all kings,
Searching diligently for peace of mind?
mom
i keep waking up with blood in my mouth and i never know how it got there. i say your name 3 times like i'm coming home and it's gone. i don't know how. i had this dream the other night where i saw all my memories with you in them except now it's raining in all of them. i don't know what that's supposed to mean but if it's gotta rain somewhere, it might as well be in me. i want all of the sunshine to be left for you. the last memory that i saw in the dream was of us sitting in your car outside of barnes & noble, when you told me about the spot they found in the scan. the honesty in your voice sold out any of the courage you tried to feign for me. i asked you if you were afraid. you said it was all in God's hands. i asked you if you were afraid. you said yes. we sat in the car, under that dark, peculiar rain and i cursed the hands of whoever is up there holding your life so carelessly. maybe i'm a hypocrite or maybe i'm hopeless but i went back to church the next day. i counted all the times they promised you eternal life wishing just one of them would be true. if he really washed you white with his blood i wanna know what that white blood was tending. i counted all the times i wasn't patient with you and wished you hadn't wasted so much precious breath on someone so ungrateful. i counted all the tears, all the goodnight hugs and i love you kisses that your chest has ever known and prayed that there is enough hope in them to fight off whatever it is inside you that's trying to **** you. i'm sorry for whatever i left inside of you 18 years ago that didn't sit well with your bones. i'm sorry for all the bad blood i've caused.
 Dec 2015 Theresa Marie
Day
alice......
*remember that even though
you
escaped
the looking glass
you'll never escape
yourself
Day 1: I want to tear my skin off. My heart is beating so fast i can barley breathe. I feel so filthy.
Day 2: I can't believe this. I don't want to be here. Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen?
Day 5: I guess I drank too much and my friends were to drunk to stop me.
Day 10: I can't face my friends, I can't live my life.
Week 3: No one knows. He hasn't said a word.
Week 6: It happened again, I was sleeping and he did it again. Why did I stay the night? Why didn't I go straight home?
Week 7: He left and kissed me goodbye. I don't know how to feel.
Week 10: My life's out of control, I can't believe whats happening.
Month 5: My boyfriend knows. But not all details. Just thinking about it, makes me want to take a shower.
Month 8: I finally came clean to my friends. They're appalled. They hate him now. I still feel filthy. I can't get his smell off my body still.
Month 11: The anniversary is soon. What am I going to do?
Year 1: I haven't spoken to him in months. I haven't thought about it in days. I still feel as if hes on top of me, why can't I wash him away?

Its an uphill battle with myself and others. Some days I can't get out of bed or even feel like breathing.
But I try not to let him get to me. Because if he sees my weakness from what hes done,
He's won.
I fell in love with the dark.
I found comfort in the sorrow-filled shadows .
selfish, I know.
but it is all I know.
you used to help me find beams of light,
but now there are no traces of hope remaining.
I have been consumed whole.
Has my existence meant nothing to you?
did you lie to me when you spoke of the electricity that sparked as our lips first touched under the stars?
because now all I see is you,
with her.
so quickly, the "love" you had disappeared?
I hope you're reminded of my erupting breathe tickling your skin,
my tongue that performed a dance with yours,
and my soul that gave it all to you.
remember that, remember me,
when you decide to caress someone else's soul.
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