A gift of emergency.
A harsh reminder of how stuck I am.
This feeling comes and goes.
Just like our relationship, for a moment you are proud.
Then an insult washes it down. Flushes it out of mind.
Suspicions rise of why you still try.
Why do I?
Even the flies on the wall know of the anger you possess.
Of the tight rope I walk, but I’m losing my footing.
You dislike the change in my being.
I speak and act a little too similar to you.
And you dislike it.
Hypocrite.

The high seeps into my bones
trickling slowly, inward, and deeply
as if my body has turned to liquid
I float

i float past the anger i felt during work today
the desperation to be anywhere but there
i pass the happiness i felt in my car with a smoothie bowl
jamming to my music feeling optimistic for once
then i see it,
the despair, the guilt, the ugly
the moments growl at me
they are so wrapped in their own misery to never see the light
they deserve to stay here

the place i can float away from
where they only haunt me when I'm trying to escape from solitude

this obsession creeping into my veins
your ghost screams so loud sometimes
never forget

it's been a year
you've festered and grown
knawing away at my resolve

the one that got away,
the warmth you bring to my broken soul
a comfort i'd wish would leave like you

You fill my cup to knock it over
The false promises haunt me at night
Your pretty lies embraced me till nothing mattered but you

Like my favorite season, you disappeared
Leaving me cold, lonely, lost
The ghost of you embraces me
Taunting me with your absence
Your pretty lies hold my broken pieces
The sunset reminds me of you

I hate you for what you’ve done to me
False promises embraced me
Lit a fire within my empty home
My anxieties run rampant in your absence
Rising like the flames with each passing day

You were wanted by me
I was ready to build my life with you
Ready to embrace domestic and loved
But you reminded me

Love is lost.
Love is false.
Love is a concept that deems me unworthy.
I am not good enough for anyone but myself

You broke my heart that was never full to begin with
Tattered and forgotten
Embraced by the dreams of you that haunt me
How do I forget someone my brain doesn’t want to lose?

a loneliness filled in your absence
an absence i still haven't filled

your ghosts still haunt the hallways
the walls still whisper your names
the mirrors still remind me of your words
i still miss you somedays

your absence grows and festers
crashing in the wind
i wish you'd leave me faster
despite the emptiness

you try to fix the broken
but your skeletons have long been moved
i wish you would've listened
there's nothing you can do

The bird at my window reaps my sorrows
I lay static in a sea of blankets
This cycle wracks through my body
Un-nerved, unwilling, exhausted.

Tonight, I watch as the moon shields herself away from the earth with the clouds
I wish I could tuck myself away as easily as she
Instead, I am pulled under, away from everything

Sinking
Drowning
Accepting

Although it is dark where I sit at the bottom
My lungs are too full
And I’ve run out of spite to fight the weight that settles me
The pressure is pushing down on my limbs
I feel crushed, it uses too much energy to move
And I’m tired

My supply of will has run cold
Overwhelmed and desolate
I will watch as the moon shines above
As I cry below