I know I hurt you in the past with some things that I said and some behaviors I've had. I know you hate the person I've chosen to be with for the rest of time and I know the feeling is mutual. I know I hurt your heart with my ignorance and childish selfishness. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry and I miss you. I wish we could be friends again. I tried to tell you happy birthday. And when he proposed I still wanted to tell you first. I want you to be part of all the big moments but I know how unlikely that is now. It's the reality I live in but I don't want to accept it. I'm sorry for behaving so recklessly and emotionally. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to watch as I threw myself back into terrible black holes. But I'm in a much better place now. We've all grown up. I'm sorry I was so despicable. I'm thankful though that you loved me through it all. I miss you. And I love you. But most importantly, I'm sorry Bailey. I hope you can forgive me.

I owe a penny
I hope I never owe more

You are wonderful
You are intelligent
And creative
You are filled with infinite possibilities
And I believe in you
You are strong and bold
It's okay to hurt
To be sad
To feel lower than low
It's not over
Infinity is in your favor
Just breathe
Because you are a beautiful
Soul
Built to overcome
Because although imperfect
You are simply perfect

I have heard and seen it all
In the high school girls' bathroom stalls
Somebody's boyfriend loves them
But only if they "take it in the ****"
Somebody believes herself to be
Strong like the ocean
Another wishes someone would just **** her already
Someone has just given up
Their "vandalism virginity"
Someone really enjoys spurting male anatomy
Some girl cuts herself just to feel something
Another one forces the food up her throat
Every time she eats
I, too, am guilty of writing in ink
"I am broken, but don't want to be fixed"
"All you need is faith, trust, and a little gay lust"
"I'm ready to shoot myself"
I've added to that petty hottie list
And I've dented the wall with a fist
A time or two before
But this isn't about me
It's about the honesty
The opening up
That only comes with anonymity
In the high school girls' bathroom stalls

Closeted memories
Rose stained glasses
A grey dismal fragment
Sadness for who once was
Loneliness stapled to the basement floor

Why do I grasp at the life I cannot have?
I am forbidden from experiencing the love I so crave
The love that I gave
The love I once received

The past always comes back to haunt me
I only see ghosts of what once was
Each breath I take,
He is there in the wind
There in the rain
The sun
Here

Each second that passes I seem to be letting go
Of the reality I live in
I comfort myself with false fantasies
Of love and peace
Of my heart being whole

Edgar, my good sir, I have an answer
Yes, you can grasp them with a tighter clasp
You can save someone from their pitiless wave
But I've learned that no matter how much you hold on
You only have the memories to save
Because others do not truly care

Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe,
What of myself?
How can I save my own soul from this
Labyrinth of suffering
When I choose to hold on to
Seemingly nothing?

You are a precious component to my life
Each day I see you,
Life feels a little more complete
And most the time I'm drowning
In my own self-devised riptide
Yet you always jump in to save me
Nothing I can do
Or say
Will ever be enough
To show you just how much
I truly love you
I have found platonic love
Of the forever variety
It all starts and ends with you
When I wake up in the morning
I am overwhelmed with luckiness
Knowing that whatever storm may come today
You are there beside me
And each night as I lay awake
On the cusp of sleep
Your name on my lips are the last words
I speak
I don't understand how I could be so blessed
To have someone like you
Love every ounce of me
No matter how many negative things I tell you
There is no doubt
In my mind our friendship could ever end
I've told everyone they are poetry
But you,
My sweet darling,
Are the most beautiful poetry of all
Maybe that's biased
But you inspire
You are the truest and best soul I've come to know
Really, you make me whole
You fill the voids I think I have
And sometimes I don't realize it
But I am ever so appreciative of you
My one true best friend
You, my sweet darling,
Are me
And I am
You

She was told
Only she controls her heart
No one can take that away
Always choose love
Never choose hate
Always choose kindness
Never choose mean-spiritedness
She was told
Only she controls her thoughts
No one can take that away
Always think positively
Never look down upon others
Always be uplifting
Never take what isn't yours
What she wasn't told
Was that these thoughts
These morals
Were not her own
And therefore contradicted everything
Her mother raised her to believe
She chose love
She chose kindness
She choose optimism
She even chose happiness
But she didn't choose the consequences
Of ending up heartbroken
Bullied
Ridiculed
She just wanted to make the world
Better
And it tore her apart

You've gone and done it now
You blew it
I'm ******* crazy
I'll have you know
It's something I wear like a badge
This circus tent
You walked into
Well you've ****** them off
See,
The term "******' carney"
Is offensive
You're cruel
You're crass
But I'll do you one better
I'm the ******* ringleader
Of these "******' carneys"
We're no better than you
But wait, don't move
There's more in store
We've got a special exhibit to share
She eats flaming swords and slits throats
With her words
He charms snakes like Karma
Now Karma the snake is a real *****
You might go as far as to say
She's a real pain in the ***
And the twins on the tight rope
Murdered their father
On the way to west Italy
But if you think that's bad
You haven't met me
I'm the craziest *****
I'm the leader
The ringmaster
I'm also the most sane
But darling that elephant **** you
Just stepped in smells like perfume
When I stand next to you
Because you came
In here
Nose in the air
Dressed in your suit and tie
You came to a circus
Expected an opera
Then mentally ****** with my family
I will rip off
Each of your individual nails
And embed them in your throat
Then pluck your eyelashes
One by one
Telling you to make a wish
I'll send you on your merry scared way
Because I protect them first
Word to the Wise
Hunny, you don't **** with us crazies
'Cause honestly we're the worst

Yessiree I did I did
My fingers pressed the buttons
2
5
3
My throat became sandpaper
My stomach felt
That Palmer Lake queasy
5
1
4
Cancel
Because I'm strong sometimes too

Don't you believe me through
My sardonic smiles
My glistening eyes can lie too
I am happy ******
Stop telling me I'm not
Because last I checked
You're not the boss

I want instant results
With minimal work
But I know that is ridiculous
I might be impatient
And perhaps as some would dare say
"Stupid"
But I know how to get **** done
I have a plan for everything
And sometimes it doesn't work
But I am strong
I will get my desired results eventually
And ******* if you don't believe me

I am bent over and stooped low
Clearly my knees will not last much longer
I am shaking and sweating and scared
Bricks upon bricks are cemented together
And I don't want to fall
But you cannot expect me
A small framed overweight girl
To hold the world
Without some of it falling
Fret not though because I aim to please
And each brick will lay exactly how you designed it
I will stay here
Lowering deeper into a crouch
In hopes that I am finally pleasing you
Oh great big open world
Because unfortunately I still see myself as just a girl
Where instead I should see a strong woman
With an *** that looks incredible
From all that deep squaring
With your ridiculous bricks
I love to bear

I can look him
In the eye and whisper
"I love you"

I can understand
That every now and again
We all hurt and we cry
And some of us feel as though we might die
While others try and cross that line
But I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can understand
How sometimes pain
Can be far too real
And we sometimes lie to ourselves
With wrists kissed by knives
But I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can understand
That we get so wrapped
Up in the moments that we feel
Worthless, useless, lifeless
Then cry and ache inside
But I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can understand
How we lose all faith
In hope for better days
And desire pills, *****, nooses
Blades, water. and bullets
But I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can understand
The feeling of loneliness
And heartbreak
With pangs of woe, hatred, and self-loathe
And thoughts flooded with depression
But I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can understand
Feeling as though I
Could never amount
To the person I need to be
And feeling like I should just let go
But I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can understand
Feeling all this awful
Having all this pain
But what I can't understand is
How I don't know why we feel this
I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can understand
That I have a disease
That yes truly we are
Searching souls in need of light
But never reaching out for help
I can't stand it
So I sure as hell can't stand for it
I can't understand
Why we search
And yearn for help
We look for outs before looking for ins
Or why we were chosen to carry this burden
I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can't understand
How it is that we
As victims of this disease
Can't understand our own psychosis
Or our own feelings
I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
I can't understand
How people see suffering
And just walk by
Like if they don't acknowledge something
In this world is wrong then it can't be
I can't stand it
So I sure as hell won't stand for it
Something I really cannot understand
Is how we
As a collective group of soon
To be strong despite feeling weak
Overcome our battle even if we experience defeat
I can't stand it
But I sure I hell can stand for it

You never gave a ****
Even when I loved you
But you're one hell of an actor
You had me believin'
Everything would be okay
And took it from my right to breathe
And now I'm suffocating
Tryin' to get you erased
My heart, it's screamin'

I could have loved you forever
Unconditionally
But then you went and ******* me over
Almost abusively
If not for circumstances I would try to get you back
But seeing as the circumstance is me
And I'm done playing games
Just know
I could have loved you forever

You won't hurt me again
Because now I'm guarded
There's no way you can get to me
So the story goes
Hidden deep within me
Is a soul strong enough to survive
And now I'm suffocating
Fightin' for the air I breathe
My tears, they're streamin'

I could have loved you forever
Unconditionally
But then you went and ******* me over
Almost abusively
If not for circumstances I would try to get you back
But seeing as the circumstance is me
And I'm done playing games
Just know
I could have loved you forever

It's my time now though
And your time to go
You're not welcome back here anymore

I could have loved you forever
Forever
Unconditionally
But I know I'll find better
Good enough for me
If not for circumstances I would try get you back
But seeing as the circumstance is

I could have loved you forever
Unconditionally
But then you went and ******* me over
Almost abusively
If not for circumstances I would try to get you back (try to get you back)
But seeing as the circumstance is me
Just know
I could have loved you forever

Forever baby
I could have loved you forever

I am completely consumed
By this moment I get to spend by your side
This moment that will last the rest of our lives
And I could not be happier

That I am my own person
So you must *******
And allow me to breathe

I know that you know
The pain you're so addicted to
Is not truly an addiction
To being hurt
To being made worthless
To feeling inadequate
It's an addiction to
Consistency
To feeling routine
But I know that you know
It's unhealthy
It's harmful
It's cruel
It's mean
Go find love elsewhere
Somewhere with respect
Somewhere with happiness
Somewhere without pain
I know that you know
It will not be easy
But I also know that you know
You need to do it
Because once upon a time
I was just like you
Addicted to the consistency
Of the abuse

I don't use words
I don't use logic
I don't use syntax
I don't use diction
I don't use literary devices
I don't use grammar

I use emotions
I use events
I use senses
I use mind
I use heart

If I could turn back time
I'd go back and I would be better
I'd be less selfish
I'd focus more on your needs
Your desires,
Your wants
If I could turn back time
I'd go back and buy that ticket
I'd go and visit you so that you'd know
Just how much I love you
How much I miss you
How much I need you
If I could turn back time
I would shower you with affection
I'd teach you just how much
You mean to me because
I love you
I love you
I love you
But you don't love me anymore
If I could turn back time
I would be a better girlfriend
And I wouldn't be here now
Crying and wondering where I went wrong
But I know it's because I'm too unhealthy
Mentally and emotionally
I'm sorry I still love you,
I hope you can forgive me
If I could turn back time
I'd hide my depression better
My anxiety
My PTSD
I'd ask you everyday
"How was your day?
How is your bloodsugar?
How are you? Because I really want to know"
I'd say to you
"You are everything to me
You are the love of my life
You are amazing"
I love you
I'm sorry I can't turn off my heart
Like some sort of radio
You might have taken the keys away
But you forgot I run on faith
If I could turn back time
You would never have to doubt how
Deep my love for you is
Because you are my life
My world
My heart
I love you
I love you
I love you
*I'm sorry

If I could turn back the hands of time
And have the ability to reclaim you
I wouldn't
Not in a million billion years
Because everything happens for a reason
And I believe there is nothing that
Could make anything better
If not for then I wouldn't be where I am now
And neither would you
I'd be okay with just friends
Because to tell the truth
I only "love" you when I'm sad these days
Back then I loved you always
But not now
Now I am better
I am stronger
If I could turn back time
I'd be weaker.

Now why the hell would I do that to myself?

I really love you



I do



Does anything else really matter

If not for tomorrow I'd live for today
And treat each breath gifted
Like it could be the last one I'll take
If not for tomorrow I'd find religion
And pray on my knees until
I was too sore then I'd pray some more
If not for tomorrow I'd be more sensible
And I'd take more risks because
I wouldn't have time elsewise
If not for tomorrow I wouldn't take today for granted
And I wouldn't live in the past
But live in the present
But I'm only human
So I think to live for tomorrow
Instead of today

If I had known beforehand
That falling in love
And ending up heartbroken
Were synonymous
I wouldn't have taken the jump

if you looked in my window
you'd see a shattered girl crying
you'd see a broken dream dying
if you saw in that shattered girl crying
you'd see a heartbroken past
you'd see an approaching darkness fast
if you saw in that dream dying
you'd see a thunder storm wail
you'd see a shattered girl pale
if you looked in my window
you'd see memories haunting
you'd see dead hopes taunting
if you stared at the memories haunting
you'd understand why life is scary
you'd understand a sliver of burdens i carry
if you stared at dead hopes taunting
you'd understand my fear
you'd understand why i can't live here
if you looked in my window
you'd see nothing
you'd see running
if you wondered about the nothing
you'd find horrors all your own
you'd find yourself dethroned
if you wondered about the running
you'd find the real reason
you'd find yourself charged with treason

You would be standing here
Laying here beside me
Making sure I have enough blanket
Making sure the windows are cracked
If you loved me
You would be butterfly kissing my nose
Holding me in your muscular arms
Praying my illnesses would go away
If you loved me
You wouldn't have left

Heat rolled through her body
Like the flames that devoured her family
As she kissed a man
Who could be her demise

Dear Karma,
Thanks for being on my side
Dear Universe,
Thanks for remembering your laws
Dear Friends,
Thanks for being wrong
Dear Lies,
Thanks for harboring false hope
Dear Truths,
Thanks for carrying me back to shore
Dear Anxiety,
It'll be okay soon enough
Dear John,
Thanks for leading me on
Dear John,
Thanks for proving me right
Dear Charlotte,
Please treat him right

I thought someone like you
Could never like someone like me
So I didn't want to cave in
Didn't want to feel anything for you
But then you outstretched your hand
So I placed mine there
I didn't think you'd be weaving our fingers together
I thought coloring was just
A normal day in the neighborhood
"I want this one"
You leaned over my paper,
Pointing at that zing sag scarf
"To be red and green,
Like Christmas"
I didn't realize our chairs were touching
I thought it was an accident
That our thighs were together too
I thought an invitation to
Church was an act of discipling
And that you wouldn't be too
Bummed if I couldn't make it today
I thought someone like you
Could never like someone like me
But hey,
I guess I thought wrong

Even if her horse is faster
My canoe is more determined
Even if she can dance beautifully without pain
I can listen to the words you say without a tear
Even if her horse is stronger
My canoe is more compassionate
Even if she can weave a great web of stories
I can tell you honestly the things that hurt

In the long run
My canoe wins

I have a question
I promise just one
But in order to ask it
I need you think
Of life without hope
Of hope without life
I need you to remember
The worst thing to have ever
Happened to you
And then the best
I need you to reflect on
All your broken heartedness
And on all the hearts you broke
I need you to know where
You are right now
And where you want to be
I need you to believe
That everything you want
Is attainable
And that everything that
Has happened before
Needed to happen
I need you to dream
Up every beautiful possibility
There is in the world
And not imagine
Every bad one
So my question now is this:
Is throwing away
Your life to that blade,
That noose,
That bottle,
Really worth it?
Because I believe it
Isn't

Angry full of fear
Hiding in a shell composed of
Bitchitude and ****-yous
Just so afraid that love could never exist

Still fearful but not threatened
More self cognizant
Grown and shapen
Molded into **** well told you sos

Wrist slashing
Head bashing
Shot downing
Second hand high hounding

Poetry slamming
Novel pounding
Music writing
Run sighting

Broken mess
Seventeen hundredth choice
Self hating
******* in the making

Confident
Stitched together
High held chin
Knowledge of worth

My oh my
Have I come a long way
From just six months ago
Even if I didn't start changing
Until just three weeks ago

He doesn't truly love anyone
He is hurting and he is broken
But you cannot fix him
He is the only one who can save
The life he has destroyed
We cannot give him what he needs
He won't ever love us like we love him
So darling, please don't lose heart
Don't lose your mind
Keep yourself safe while you can
Because he collects girls like us
By the dozen
And he isn't worth the waste of our
Thoughts
But you've already swung your legs
'Round his waist
So it's far too late
I just hope you don't lose you