"It's okay if you don't love me anymore
Sometimes I don't love me either,
I just..." choked laugh "...need to know
That you are still breathing"
Tears begin to roll as my voice shakes
Violently threatening to be heard through
The speaker,
That is if he listens
"I miss you,
I love you"
Those choked laughs start up again
"I really do and I am so sorry
I'm sorry I'm selfish and I'm
Sorry I don't always put your needs and desires
First
But I need you to know just how much I love you
Please call me
Text me
Anything
I just need to make sure you're still breathing"
*Because it's becoming hard for me to do so

As ****** up as it sounds
After all they share my pain
And I know their boundaries
As messy as they are
I can't help but to love them
With such a wide and open heart
I'm a fixer
It's what I do best
I can fill everyone else's voids and cure
Their aching pains that
Come with your right to breathe at birth
Your right to die inside
I breathe life into their souls
Loosening a weight
Without once filling the cavity in my chest
I like my people broken
As ****** up as it sounds
Because at the very least
I can leave them better than when found

I'm reading your favorite book
The one I saw you reading months ago
With the broken spine
And worn thin pages
Discovering more and more pieces of you
In every tumbling line
Every word takes my breath away
Reminding me how in love I am with your soul
I look up from the print as you do a little dance
Everything you make is perfect and the lemon drops have my head a little spinny
Even in our spats we fall deeper in love
Our apartment overlooks the city
Each and every night is so romantic
Our love is passionate and deep and real
We go on the greatest adventures
No two days are the same
And I finally feel alive and supported in my drive
But none if it's real because for all I know
That book was bought used for a class assignment due the next day
I'll never know because I never got up the courage to ask

Recently I've been told
How great I look
How I've put on a bit of weight
How my eyes don't sag
With rings of sleepless nights
How I look brighter
Happier
"Wow you look great"
That's because I'm fueled by emotion
Driven by heart
I'm learning that I can't
Fixate on the crippling past
And hunny I'm back in action
I'm ready to take life in my hands
And build
Not destroy
So thanks for noticing that
Wow
I do look great

And I realized
he is the sun
but so am I
We just shine differently

i sit in the background
and watch the world continuously pass me by
i help everyone around me advance
as fast as they can
as fast as they want

i'm hidden in a corner
waiting for it to be my turn
but as soon as i help excel one person
another fills the void
another calls for my aid

i lie in bed at night
and realize i am doing nothing with my life
until i remember i live vicariously
through everyone i assist
through every action i help create

i awake in the morning
and i question my purpose in this world
because i am a lowercase kind of a person
living in a capital case kind of world
living in a show off your greatness kind of life

I'm a little ball of sadness
That gets happied up by you ray of light
You're a never-ending bubble of coot
That loves me and always finds my tail
I love my stick house you made
I'll pay you back in
Hunny pots and love
From my big fat heart
From the tips of my gloomy toes
To the tops of your little black rain cloud

Cranking out poem after poem
I have too many emotions
That need to spilled
And will only be satisfied
In the form of poetry
It's like a broken up rant
That I can't stop
And I'm still going

I might be in love
With the idea of loving me
Before loving for a relationship
All this time
Searching for validation
In someone else's love for me
But how was I expecting them to
Truly love me
When I am just now beginning
To love myself
But now I might
In love with
Self respect

I am in need of a poem about healing
But no one seems to be providing
My dosage or prescription
I need a poem that when I read it
I feel like there are arms wrapped tight
Around my shaking body as the tears tumble down
I need a poem that when I read it
I can hear the feeling of home
Comforting me, listening to me
I need a poem that lets me know
I will be okay
And that the only person I truly need
To validate my being is me
But also makes me believe it
I need a poem that lets me know I belong
That I matter
And that even though I sometimes am in the wrong
Lets me believe it will be okay
I need a poem that cries and laughs
Then smiles and sobs some more
I need a poem that cuts like a blade
So that I won't feel the need to find one myself
Not that it's ever far off anyways
But I need a poem that
Breathes

Breathlessly unaware of how entirely
Astounding your bodacious heart is
In all my years I never thought I'd find someone who
Listens so well and cares twice as much
Every single day like this
Yet here you are

Infinitely compassionate

Little did I know I'd be able to
Open up so much even though that
Very thought scared me into an
Egotistical state of mind

Yet you chose to save me from my
Old self and are making me
U*niquely whole

I'm bubbly and elated
Filled to the brim with
Oogaboogalia
And frothing over with
Eeeeeek
I'm practically five
Bing **** Bing ****
I'm in a rocket ship shaped
Roller coaster that only goes up
This time I am genuinely
Happy
Believe me

There's certainly an uncertain beauty
To that woman made of glued together pieces
It's encouraging and heartbreaking
To see her strengthen while tears are streaming
Easily one can feel uneasy while witnessing,
To hear her soul becoming
There's certainly an uncertain beauty
To that woman made of glued together pieces

There's a fearless trepidation
Filling that man on the corner
An insignificant sign of significance
Pours from his eyes, flooding the streets with meaning
Perfectly imperfect is his brokenness
Which lays on the external inside
There's a fearless trepidation
Filling that man on the corner

There's a balanced imbalance living
Within a girl constructed of tears
There's late sleepless early nights
Where the broken try to fight
It's optimistically pessimistic where
Her mindset as been placed
There's a balanced imbalance living
Within a girl constructed of tears

Maybe because I've always been
*******--
Or unscrewed, I suppose--
In the mental department
Maybe because I know he's a friend
He's just as scared of the world as me
He's not some evil figure
Lurking about at night
Intentionally trying to terrify
He's a man all the same
I don't care what his appearance is
He just tries to hide
Seeking refuge and comfort
Trying to hide his lugubrious mind
He just wants a friend that understands
So he lays under the bed
Or sits in the closet
He doesn't even say a thing
Except "Boo-hoo"
When he hears your life story spoken aloud
By your conscious lips
Or subconscious dream clouds
But what most people don't hear
Is the important half
"Hoo"
They hear boo
And awake and scream
Trying to climb into bed with parents
But Mr. Boogeyman hasn't visited
In a long while
And I'm starting to miss him
Maybe he'll come back tonight
But I'm not afraid of the Boogeyman
Because I've met much worse

I'm not very religious
But if learned anything from
The youth group I attend
It is to speak life over death
And I think we could all
Always use a dose of encouragement
So I only have a few words
To share with all who
Are willing to listen or willing to change:
No amount of hatred
Is the only acceptable amount of hatred
The only amount of love
Acceptable in this world is infinite
When you witness a soul struggling
Help
You can't just pass them by
And expect positive results
When you see an easygoing person
Ask them if there is anything
You can do to help keep spirits high
When you are at your lowest low
Ask for help
Because we are just human
We can't carry the weight of the world
On our own
Otherwise there'd be no such thing as friends
Step out of your comfort zone
You just might be surprised
The things about yourself
You could find
Just by overlooking death and instead
Speaking life

Bailey and Mathew
And Stephanie then Jack
Melissa
Aerrow and Anna
Olivia and Stasi
Isabel and Evan
You all care
You all ask
You all check
I'm sorry I scare you
I'm having a bad down
I mean it
A major downer
Worse than any acid trip could provide
I'm not slitting
And I don't intend to
I think I'm done with that
I think I'm clean
I'm sorry I cause you to worry
I'm sorry I'm that friend
But thats how it is
I'm in the midst of a relapse
But I'll find my footing
Once September ends
Hopefully before
But we never know
I'm sorry to make
All y'all's concerned

I couldn't fully love anyone
Because I'd never loved myself

Freedom and independence are not synonymous
We have many freedoms
But zero independence
Independence is freedom
Freedom is not independence
What we celebrate is a false holiday
It's a cheap *** excuse to drink
And set **** aflame
What we celebrate is a false holiday
Once meant to portray
Our braking away
What we celebrate is a false holiday
That makes life seem like a joke
Because we've conformed too much
I have the freedom to say whatever
I **** well feel like
But I am not independent from fear
Or tyranny
This is America
Land of the stupid
Home of hatred
Everywhere I turn I see
Persecution
Oppression
For religion, ***, and race
For orientations and confusions
For thought and for ideas
This is America
Not some fluffy dreamland
Like so many of us make it out to be
Yes I will be ready to admit
We are certainly freer than most
And yes, I will be ready to defend
My country with my words
But I can't sit on the sidelines
And just watch as my land falls to ****
"Happy Independence Day"
It breaks my heart that we have to declare a day
To recognize independence
It's a false independence we celebrate
I love the fireworks and the lightheartedness of it all
But it's *******
We shouldn't have to label a day
On a calendar
For historical emphasis
Woohoo Declaration of Independence
And all that jazz
But it no longer seems that way
Equality has never existed
This America, not an Aboriginal society
Pursuit of happiness is impossible
Because one person's happiness destroys another's
Liberty and justice for all?
Yeah right
Happy Independence Day to all who believe
But as for me
Independence my ***

I need a poem
That will make me smile
A poem to take away the pain

I need a poem
That works instantly
Because nothing is the same

I need a poem
That breathes on my heart
And takes my breath away

I don't need a poem
Not a single one
I just need to know I am loved

With you
The potential for heartbreak
Always will be worth it

I don't believe in gender roles
Because how are we supposed to societally grow
If we set restrictions on
What can be done and by whom
Simply because of their anatomy?
I don't believe in quitting
Because how is anyone supposed to learn
If we just allow
Giving up on hopes, dreams, goals
Simply because, "it's too hard"?
And yet we make life a cage
Too small even for a canary
Choking ourselves with regulations
And stereotypes
Striking fear into our own hearts
We live in the land of *******
Where we claim
We can be whatever we want to be
And do anything we set our minds to
Yet here we are
Not much further along in our
Backwards thoughts
That originated pre oppression
Amd long before we boarded the Mayflower

Once upon a time
In the fairest land
Of New Jersey
At a royal wedding
The now royal niece met
The hired photo booth runner
And his name was Nick
Now Nick did not know what was occurring
He thought she loved cameras
She went with her sister and grandmother
Then just her grandmother
Then only her sister
He friend would contact her
On the fanciest slide phone
And to avoid looking rude
She'd stand next to the table
Right near the booth
Finally with her brother
She talked and he talked
They laughed and joked
About how she should get him fired
For interacting with clients
As it was forbidden
He claimed he would travel
Across the country
To the kingdom
Of Washington
For her wedding in a year or so
She chuckled covertly
Revealing her age
Only to find he was twenty
He thought it was funny
And called her cute
So she gave her phone number away
When really she should've have gone
With her Instagram name
Near the end of the event
She invited him to the dance floor
For the most regal song of all
"Don't Stop Believing"
After those five minutes she assisted him
In the packing of his equipment
And they parted ways
Never to speak again
Both leaving
Dumbly happy
The End

And thought about it for a long hard minute
Back to the block it goes
Another small victory

You will no longer have my
Undying, unyielding, unapologetic
Love as soon as I permanently halt
Breathing in oxygen and exhaling
Carbon dioxide because darling
I am female and cheap whiskey and
Superfluous *** will not heal my
Broken heart that you
Are the only Band-Aid to but I
Understand you don't know how unfair
It is to be forced into pretending a
Love was never there
But I promise
As soon as Antarctica has a month long
Heat wave of over 90 degrees Fahrenheit
I will stop loving you
You don't have to worry about apologizing
Because sweetheart
I forgave you for all the pain you
Caused me the first time you said
"Hi"

I miss you something awful
and it hurts real bad.
Today I cried because I realized
You'll never want me back
I'm a mess, I'm a project:
I am charity work you took on.
You loved me and I you,
But in a blink you were gone.
Now I feel like a part of me's missing
Because it liked you more.
I guess I didn't realize
You and I were at war.
Well baby, you win
To the victor do the spoils go.
You have my heart still
And my promise isn't broke.
You're beautiful; spectacular
Please don't change a thing.
I love you, you wonderful man,
Even though to you I am nothing

I should hate more than I do
But I won't because that's draining
I should have loved you forever
But I won't because you've haven't loved me
Since December

I simply couldn't be
Even if I wanted to
You don't understand
How it hurts to be near you

Do you even know
Who I want to be
I can't understand
How it is you're so naïve

Your touch
Doesn't create a spark
Your words
Thrown haphazardly
In the dark
I simply couldn't be yours
Even if I wanted to
Because this should hurt to say
And I feel no pain
I don't love you anymore

I simply couldn't be
Even if you begged me
I wish I could explain
Why I no longer feel the same

I simply couldn't be
Despite how much I should
Want to be with you
Every step for good

Your touch
Doesn't create a spark
Your words
Thrown haphazardly
In the dark
I simply couldn't be yours
Even if I wanted to
Because this should hurt to say
And I feel no pain
I don't love you anymore

I simply couldn't be
Even if I wanted to
Even if you begged me
I can hardly say sorry

Because

Your touch
Doesn't create a spark
Your words
Thrown haphazardly
In the dark
I simply couldn't be yours
Even if I wanted to
Because this should hurt to say
And I feel no pain
I don't love you anymore

I hope you can forgive me
But I don't love you anymore

Is it too late to say, "I miss you"?
God, I hope so
Because I remember the last time
I thought it wasn't
Spoiler alert!:
Did not end well
Is it too late to say, "I love you"?
God, I hope so
Because if not I'd come back running
And that's not who I want to be
Is it too late to say, "I'm sorry"?
God, I hope so
Because I have nothing worth apologizing
To your cheating *** for
Last time I did that
It was ******* pointless
Is it too late to say, "*******"?
God, I hope so
Because that would mean I still care
In some form or another
Which I do
Not that you give a ****
Is it too late to turn around?
God, I hope so
Because this time it's my turn to shine
And if I go back to you
I haven't even started
On the path
To self re-creation

I'm not running from my problems
But I'm not exactly walking either
It's more a sluggish movement of necessity
Filled with pain
But I won't look back
Because that's unacceptable

I know that we all feel pain
And heartbreak
But that's no reason to tear ourselves apart
For falling prey to abusive relationships
We only stay because
We truly believe that they will change
And even we realize they won't
We hope they will
We feel (we know) they still love us
But that's no excuse to stay
And drown ourselves in
"Why?"
"What did I do wrong??"
Because we have done nothing
But existed as human beings
Loving fearlessly

Love

I'm a primary document to all the **** I have said
You are obviously not a historian
For you favor your secondary documents
To the main source

Didn't your mama teach you
To not be a *****-addicted *****
Who needs to drown yourself in the
Lies society tells you

I don't know if your daddy ever told you
But you don't lie to women like me
You really shouldn't **** with people like me
Because I don't know if you know this but

I'm the kind of ***** who run
In a wedding dress and stripper heels
Because hunny, you **** me off

Should I write your eulogy?

For better or for worse
I'm certain I'm single
He could have said bye
Or he could have pretended nothing was happening
I've been here twice before
Once with him
Once with someone I unfortunately still love
It could have involved other people
And maybe it does
But he could have said something
So I could feel closure
These tears
Oh God how they burn
I'm so ******* done with today
I didn't want to crawl out of bed
Yet here I am
I faced the world
And received this
Lucky me
Maybe,
Just maybe
This time I'll learn

I might love you

I said, "I'm done"
You heard, "Fight for me"
I said, "It's not working anymore"
You heard, "Let's fix this"
I said, "You hurt me"
That was all you could hear
You said, "Don't leave"
I heard, "I took you for granted"
You said, "I can change"
I heard, "It'll be this way in two weeks"
That was all I heard as I packed my things
I said, "It's over"
You heard, "I'm going to my mom's to think"
I said, "Good luck, I hope you can be happy"
You heard, "I'll see you tomorrow"
I said, "Goodbye"
And you finally showed an emotion and cried

I was so ******* done
So **** exhausted
So I locked up my memories
In the sweet little chest
With golden filigree
And a burgundy base
A bit of raised embossing
And an engraving that read,
"Do not open,
For these are incapable of cherishment"
I set  it on the highest shelf
Of the unused linen closet
And I lit a candle
Placed it on the shelf beneath
And locked the door
I walked away for an hour or so
But the candle had died
So in my fit of anger
I ran to the furnace
I opened the door
And turned
Every thermostat in the house
Up to the highest point
And just for good measure
I lit a match
And placed it under the door
I went to sleep surrounded by flames
To my demise the firemen came
And when all that remained
Was that **** laughing box
They thought I might want to see
Because they opened the box
Unknowing of the horrors inside
And once again
Like an LSD addict
Knowing the trip might be bad
I threw another ******* match

That I've paid some much necessary respect
To amazing poets
That have inspired, encouraged, and progressed me
Be it as a poet
A thinker
A person
Your words,
Whether directed at me through message
Or unintentionally meant for me in
Your poetry

My heart goes out to
SydRivers
For considering my works exceptional enough
To be a part of your group
Which boosted my confidence

Rare But Relevant
For giving me slight insight to you
And your friend's hearts
Providing even more encouragement
And purpose to my words

Katjie
For knowing everything will be okay
In the end
No matter how hard it seems now

Jennifer R. Fay
For recently admiring my works
And for slightly less recently for
Touching my heart

Kaycog
For beautiful short breaths of life
That include so many juxtaposing
Emotions that can cause a heart
To learn

And finally
To Jack Michael Westland
For beautiful poetry
Help for stories to come
And for beautiful friendship

I realize this is a somewhat
******* poem but I felt
A need to openly thank you all
For the help you've given me
From the sincerity of my heart
So from the honesty of mine
I love you all

I am healing
Whether or not you believe it
I am becoming stronger
I swore it at the beginning of the year
But you doubted me
I am growing
My health is improving
My mind is easing
My body is strengthening
I am healing
And it is a beautiful process
Filled with pain and love
I am finally learning to love me
And as I said
It is beautiful

To love her big fat piggy heart
It's almost impossible not to actually
She's so filled with life
And no regret
I sure love her
With my little igloo penguin heart

Little boys and little girls
Grow in to bigger boys and bigger girls
They get thrown into a never ending
Cage match
Fighting against peer pressure
Status quos
False idols
Impossible images
And it doesn't matter how old they get
Once they've been bit
The depression bug lives
A parasitic relationship
She's feeling down on her luck
Sees the case of her father's guns
And thinks to herself
I can end it all here,
I can stop all this pain
He's feeling invincible at 160
Miles per hour
He had a **** day and wants to forget
He keeps thinking
"This is it boys,
My big finish"
They always want to go with a bang
Make an impact
Make sure they cannot survive
She unlocks the case
He adds more pressure
She loads the chamber
He grips the column
She pulls the trigger
He hits the tree line
It's not a warning
When you commit the deed
But everything before hand can't always be seen
There's nothing worse
Than drowning on your own thoughts
That can change at the flick of a wrist