Before you, no one I had fallen for had ever really seen me naked.

No, not the literal way with the clothes off and the skin bare and the turn ons. More people than I'd like have seen me that way.

With you its like you see me, see deeper than my soft skin and deeper than my bones, you see right through me and break down the walls I've been carrying up for so long.

You've managed to see that I'm tied together with a smile, but with you I come undone. You see me, no guts, not glory, just plain, broken, unattractive me and somehow you find it beautiful. I know you do, but the fact that you do still astounds me.

After waking up so many mornings next to you, sometimes i wish it was the only way I could wake up anymore. Sometimes nights haunt me, and they torment me and torture me with the memories of my past and the shadows of my own darkness, but in the morning, its just you and me and I'm happy. I love how purely happy I am to glance over to your sleeping face and realize that maybe for once I did something right, maybe I chose right.

I'm falling in love with you, I hope you know. Each second the feeling compounds until sooner or later I won't be able to stop myself from saying I am in love. But for now, I'm content with falling. Most times it terrified me, it broke me down to tears, because I was fully aware the person I was falling for would not be there to catch me.

But with you? Oh you, I know you. You'd do anything to be at the bottom of that cliff, right where you belong, ready to catch me when I'm done.

You, the one who I never expected. You see me better than most people have in years. You are strong even when you don't fully believe it, and remain confident even when you feel insecure.

There is one promise I must make to you, unexpected one, and its this; I may falter and I may break down every once in a while, and you may feel like you always have to be strong for me, but I will always be there for you. I will always try to smile for you. I will do anything to make sure you stay the strong, confident person you are because I know that's who you want to be. I will try to keep you strong even when you feel at a loss. I will take down my walls and instead put them elsewhere to hold you up, and not quite protect you from the world, but make that strength of yours easier to bear. I will fight my disorder. I will for you.

Why?

Because you've seen me naked, and instead of wishing for the happy me or shunning the sad me or insisting the sadness isn't real, you held me and promised things would get better and promised I could be stronger than I think I am. And for that I will never falter.

Now that you've seen me imperfect, and now that I see you naked too, there is no going back.

And there is no way I would want to.

please stop romancing cutting,
depression, eating disorders,
anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
those things are not beautiful.

it is not beautiful waking up
every morning wishing you
weren't here.

it is not beautiful having to wear
long sleeves in the summer to
cover up the scars on your arms.

it is not beautiful throwing up
in the toilet just so you don't
gain another pound.

it is not beautiful missing school
for a month just because you
couldn't drag yourself out of bed
to see daylight.

but you can be beautiful with
cuts and scars all over your body.

and you can be beautiful even though
you aren't too happy about your weight.

oh, and you're still beautiful if you haven't
socialized with people for a couple weeks.

and you're still beautiful even though you
blew out your 16th birthday candles wishing
you were dead.

you're beautiful, but the things that you have done to
your body aren't.

Last day of 2014 and I have the best feeling that 2015 will be something bigger and better than I can comprehend at this moment.

2014 kicked my ***, broke my heart and taught me to have a backbone. It taught me how to love and how to let love go, and how to let some love come back. It taught me that family isn't just blood; family is who, as corny as it may be, makes you feel at home. It taught me to hold others when they need it and to not be so ashamed of asking to be held back.

2014 taught me to be my own person, and how being my own allows me to be so much more for others too. This year showed me so much heartache and growth, pain and joy. I learned that friends can love beyond what you deserve and parents, no matter how frustrating, do just the same. I learned that the nights I didn't sleep were some of my favorite memories, and some were my favorite lessons.

I learned that the fine line of love is more like a river that you either clear or drown and the only way to stay afloat is to learn to swim. You have to jump in without hesitation. I learned that netflix really is my best friend and the people that binge watch with me are a close second. I learned that waiting for someone who meets my expectations is worth the wait rather than settling for second best, and that telling other people about their worth is worthwhile in itself. I learned that loving others is the only way I will make it out of this life alive with a sense that I did something right.

2014, in all honesty, was a year of love for me. I fell in love with a wonderful person who I learned infinitely from. I fell out of love with the same person and learned even more from that. I fell in love with my family, even if they are the people that hurt me the most. I fell in love with the way concerts and music makes me feel more than anything else. I fell in love with the friends I have because they love me back, in the most honest and unconditional way possible. I fell in love with the way it feels to love myself and above all else I fell in love with myself.

Throughout this year of tribulation I found the courage to love me and tell everyone about it, because self love is a treasure some dream of, some eye at, and one that only the bravest find.

Above all else I learned that love isn't defined in any song or movie or book. It's what you make of it. It's the phone calls to say hello to far away friends and the hug at your worst. It's the child kissing a mother, it's the big anniversary date and it's the spontaneous adventure with someone you care about. Love is flipping the penny to heads up so someone else has luck, and it's a wet kiss when you're too drunk to even make it back to bed. Love is a shout into a canyon where your own echo may be all you hear, and it's the hope that someone else's echo someday responds back. Love is unconditional positive regard and telling people to get their **** together when you know they need it. Love is this and so much more. Remember that love isn't cookie cut and neatly packaged; it's raw and real, and it comes in a variety of forms. Don't be blind to love because it doesn't fit your preset mentality of what love is supposed to be. This is how you lose beautiful people, by not recognizing their personal love.

2014 is ending and 2015 will begin; I hope you all make it something worth telling about. Find the love in the people you know and the things you do; love hard and love well. Let go of the love for people who don't love you back, but keep your eyes open for love because I swear to God it is everywhere. If you let yourself believe that it is not only abundant, but that you are also so entirely worthy of having it, I promise your 2015 will be more than you can comprehend too.

There’s no one to hold me
To tell me “It’ll be alright”
No one to love me
Or to kiss me goodnight

I’m always alone
With no one to care
Longing for someone
Who isn’t there

Wishing for love
On every star
Looking for comfort
From near or far

Hoping for someone
Who will honestly care
Waiting for someone
Who will always be there

Wanting to love
And be loved just the same
For someone to know me
Not just my name

Longing and searching
In vain so it seems
Only ever finding love
In my dreams

Am I destined
To be alone?
To wonder through life
Unloved and unknown?

So hungry for love
Someone to call mine
Desperately hoping
For some kind of sign

Something to tell me
He’s on his way
He’s searching for me
And he’ll find me one day

That someone will love me
That someone will care
That I won’t be alone
That he will be there

Waiting and hoping
For it to be true
I guess for now
That’s all I can do

please come talk to me
i need to hear something besides the voices in my head

please come hold me
i havent been held in a very very long time

please come stop me
i dont think i can do it myself this time

*. . .

You are my perfect nightlight
Giving me light in darkness
Subduing the fear in me
Protecting my shins
From dangerous coffee tables