i finally found a love that is constant but still surprises occur that keep me on my toes just like the sudden climatic change in the climate once the clouds cover the sun
i am the sun and you are the clouds and everyone likes a bit of sunshine but they don't like the sweltering heat i can cause so you calmly without a sound appear in front of me almost too relieving to believe like an oasis and you furnish the earth with your cool air and everlasting reassurance that you're here to stay
but nothing is perfect when dominance is present so i still peek through your particles to reveal my warmth and you're there to help me when all is too hot and kiss the world with your refreshing breeze

i hope you died knowing your life was my life's best part

The wind traces each pore of my body with forceful intentions of moving me forward
But I am comfortable here
I do not want to move outside the very spot I'm at right now
Everything is flawless, undamaged
Because you've reassured me in only 5 days
You've made up for all the times I've contemplated
"Is it really worth it?"
Mother Nature and its breath is going down my neck
But the only way I'll move
Is if it's towards you

I wear mittens when I'm with you
So I never get the urge to hold your hand again
You took my fragile fingers
And bent them in different directions
You bent them in the ways I should've went
Instead of clinging on to some sort of hope that the December in your smile would turn warm

I'll be keeping myself cozy for the winter

So who's to blame in these shambles?
A love so currently old the nostalgic value is priceless
Something I can't loosen my grip on for the sake of the selfishness in my heart
Trying to keep you stolen

So who's to blame in this disarray?
A friendship so foreign its roots cannot be traced to the source
Only a sapling just beginning to grow
Something I can't grasp upon for the sake of a charm
Trying to keep up together

i spend my limited time with you
imagining our limitless future

we're priceless
but talk isn't all that cheap
when i'm spending all my effort on one way promises

i wouldn't trade anything in the world for you

i'd scrape the pennies and dimes just to be worth it to you

He is the one who compliments my adjectives and structure saying I always have a way with words
When honest to God he is the one who takes me a little bit higher every time he says those cliche 3 words
But from him cliche is the exact opposite, I could never grow tired of his love
And I hope he says pretty words out of sheer heart throbbing, butterfly inducing love and not because he needs to

But he is not fake
He is not the people I encountered before who loved me just because they felt obligated to
He is not the people I've met before who threw torpedoes of harmful names but claim the did it out of those cliche 3 words
He is the man who brought me to my knees with this feeling 72 hours in
He is the man who I willfully want to get down on my knees for late at night and taste the love after
He is the man who I see my future with front row on a huge, bright, white screen titled "It's Now Ours"

And although I never was the one to be held down I love the way he puts "my" in front of love because now I know I'm his and I hope he knows he's mine

SLAP ME WITH YOUR WORD OF VALIDATION AND COMMITMENT
BECAUSE SURELY YOUR HARSH WORDS OF REASSURANCE
WILL BE BETTER
THAN THE LONELINESS
I CAUSE MYSELF

Tuesday night I wonder what it's like to not care and throw myself out into the water
Plunging deep into a sea of isolation
Being too dark to swim back


3 hours later I wonder what it's like to not cry and drag my feet out into the desert
Laying still in a land of misinterpretations
Being too hot to crawl away


8 hours later I wonder what it's like to be happy with what I have and float out into the sky
Flying high in a cloud of regretful communications
Being too spaced to come back down


Wednesday morning I wonder what it's like to not have spurs of violent, ugly thoughts and say good morning to you
Hating every second I doubted
Being too sad to think through

I'm going to be honest, I'm really not a love poet
But every time I go to write down my aspirations or expectations of love
Because I truly never been in that position
I get up and distract myself with something else
My writer's block is completely torn down
My inspiration, vanished
And maybe I run away because it's something I'm afraid to experience
I distract myself from the feelings love brings just so I can ignore the pain for a bit longer

I grew up in my grandma's den with my eyes pressed upon the TV watching Disney movies about that one man who will surely wisk me away
He will wisk me away in a pretty dress that was created by some miracle
Created by the pain and agony I suffered alone
And surely I need a man in my life to ever love someone
And surely I need to become dependent to be loveable

Believe me, I'm really not a love poet
I grew up in my mom's living room with my eyes pressed upon the TV watching the local news about that one man who will surely physically and emotionally break me to the point where I'm going to court after I'm released from the hospital
And I will go to court able to walk, healed, some would say
But the outer portrait of my body is clean compared to the filthy, ***** mindstate I call, "penny"
... Worthless
And I will have to explain and try to convince the judge that laying a hand on me is horrible and that I didn't deserve it
And he will ask what I did, thinking to himself that there's a reason to ever lay a hand on a woman, or even anyone
And his hand will grab that gavel and smack the wooden block meaning the offender is let free
And while that gavel was smacking that wooden block I am tortured by the memories of my offender as he smacked my face, bruised my body, and murdered my self worth
I guess all this, was meant to be reality

I'm telling you, I'm not a love poet
The contrast between expectations and reality is movies and the news
the hot August day and cold December night
and the keys upon the piano
But you can't have seasons without the highs and the lows
And you can't create a melody without your fingers creating a united, elegant sound from pushing on those black and white bars
So surely I cannot have something true without having expectations for myself but with the fear of what reality holds

See I'm going to be honest, I'm really not a love poet
But if I woke up, whether it be early in the morning or late at night and decided I wanted to write a love poem
It would be about you
All of you
Because with the failures and successes I've seen that were about love
I learned something

Trust me when I say I'm not a love poet
I'm 17 years old
And I grew up in the same small city with the same small people
I hear snickers and sly comments about.. having to reach some sort of expectations to love
But we're all born with the capability to love
We love our mothers and our fathers
Our grandparents, our pets, our friends
Religious figures
So when you deny one's love because of who they are
Aren't you denying your love that has grown and flourished as time goes on
Aren't you denying the love you've given and received from your friends and family whether it's during a holiday or casual visit
Aren't you denying the love you've given and received from a man's best friend every time you return home
Aren't you denying the love you spoke upon on your knees before your head hits that pillow and you awaken, grateful for a new day

So I learned in this small city with my small friends
that love is always present since birth in different shapes
So I learned that love is strong since birth
So I learned despite the petty judgement
Love is there

I'm really not a love poet, I like the idea that I speak the truth
And the reality is that people will try to tear you down
They will try to corrupt the seasons and music you share with another
Because they are ignorant about love
And they preach about how you can only be this and that
Or do this and that
If you want to love

And your expectations are crumbled by the sheer reality of the world
You are afraid to hold hands with the person you adore
But the key is to persevere because surely your expectations will turn into reality
And you will no longer live in fear

I feel something slice my cheek
It sends shivers through my bones
My blood is boiling
But the hurt keeps hell frozen over
How does something drift
But somehow permanently stay
I try to reach out
But my tongue is tied with decisions
I did reach out
But you blanketed the truth with promises of the future
The blanket that covers me
Thawed my own frozen hell
How long until my pores burst
How long until my bones crack
How long until my cheeks tear
How long until you see these promises of the future are barely keeping me here
I need more reassurance

The veins on your arm branch like the great oak tree in my grandma's backyard and suddenly I'm entangled in my childhood memories.

i wanna tie you to a bed draped in white sheets
i've given up but i still wanna hold you and comfort you
i've given up in the fact that i can hold you but i can't hold you down

i'll tie you up in the most complicated knots making your wrists itch and your palms sweat but at the end of the day you still have your legs
my heartbeat vibrates your gentle spine and the amplitude pumps out the steady waves of anxiety hoping it's all in my head like i know it is
but you swing your legs and remove yourself from my situation
i'm sorry i come to you with all these panics and fears
and all you said is that you're here to help
well thanks for helping me get over my biggest fear by causing it
i lost you

so you walk out the door one night with your head held high thinking that you just got ****** when all you really did was **** me over
is it my fault i couldn't hold you down
or were you floating, no strings attached

I brood with the silence and company of these squeaky floor boards that crack with every step I take
I pace these dark hallways in search for something to look forward to
A friend, lover, family or history
As the shadows blanket me like a weak child
I realized that this darkness is home
The bleak realization of discovery hits me
My ignorance guided me through these compressed walls
But the beauty of this darkness is that everything and anything is undiscovered
With every bump, crack or gap I come across
I learn something new
And for once
I feel purpose in this undiscovered world

You tied a knot around my life so your love became something I will always remember
But my hands are grazed with the stray strands of falling apart
I burn just to keep us alive

i have a problem with thinking ahead
placing myself in a vague position that reality may not have a part of
knowing what i'd say or do to keep you from fading away
stuck in between freedom and obligation

you told me we'd walk on beaches
so i hope the hour glass is filled with the thousands of grains we sunk into

i'll always have a problem with thinking ahead
so i'll day dream about the future even if i get a rude awakening
whatever keeps me from the tide taking me in its whys and what i did wrongs