Images and voices accompanied with  a certain feeling.

I've never seen a face or saw the being.

But He moves in shades of pine and images of cut wood.

Glitter in the air and whispers in my ear.

Am I insane i ask myself?
Is this God I wonder?

Is there some sick twisted joke under all of this...

Am I being played for the fool?

Just empty rhythm A talent to feel
An empty prison but who did I ****.
Addictions listening to every word I utter
I swear I won't be like my mother.
My mother, I haven't seen her in a while.
No its not a joke but i can't help but smile.
She was darkness to me as a child
Probably still out there running wild.
She lead me down the path of destruction
Told me stories of hopeful abduction.
Leaving this place bleeding out whole
She fed my sickness, never fed my soul.
Sixteen years and ended up a ******
she raised me like her, junior high drop out flunky.
Except she had a chance a nursing degree
She had a life, but that was before me.
And I made it worse, just by being born
SO she called the hearse said I would learn.
I struggled alot with her hateful infliction's
She fed me all of her fateful addictions
Read me her poetry old soul in that *****
She was a genius with wrists that were stitched.
Just like me and she saw and knew it
Saw my eyes and knew I could do it
So she knocked me down, surely trying to ****
Beat me brutally only till blood would spill
And after she would come to me
"Baby I'm sorry buts a ****** up world
And one day you'll part from me.
But your always my girl and I never meant
To cause a train wreck but in this life
Women swing by there necks
Its full of strife and we never win
And you'll be lucky if never know men
I have to make you strong,
so you can bare the weather
Lifes masochistic you can smell the leather
I love you more than any man
And if your smart you'll never give your hand
I beat you down so you can fight
Cause from the ground we gain our might
Women are disposable but we regenerate
Baby I love you but this worlds full of hate"

You'd like to own the horizon
For its dripping cracks
and its flowing clouds
but your own worth never met half way
with all those people you suspended in your wake.
How crude the time that's passing4
how painful the lessening air
You'd like to own the horizon
in pretending that you care

Pastels fade into eachother
And then white
With no nuance of shadow
Then light upon light

This is a moment
This a thought
An idea will form
Then so will a plot

My heart will bleed
In the dark blues that appear
Out lines of black
To out line my fears

Red and flesh to show that I'm raw
A painting before you
Of a minds graceful fall

You're  five years in the making.
Prison has done you well.
Same boy I always knew.
Just kind of hard to tell.
I couldn't look away from you.
Your eyes just so familiar.
Strange to think my best friend
Is in prison, a killer.
And I would never judge you boy
My friend ship has always been yours.
And the ties we have in this life
Go beyond all the static and noise.

Something spiritual about you
And the thing that you did.
The person you killed
My own shame that was hid.
And i don't think I ever loved him.
Not like I cared about you.
My friend held far above
The boy who was never true.
Or fair.
The boy who abused.
And so I feel no sorrow for his slumber.
But my heart is wrenching for your soul.
My friend those years ago.
Aging in enslavement
For the taking of a life
That was better off taken.

I was never very dumb But I was never very smart.
I never really got a chance even though I got a start
No one ever really loved me, as much as themselves.

But I guess I have been selfish too.

I guess I am just like all of you.

Confused.

We don't know our selves, and under layers and layers of false emotion
Under layers of ego and rough tides of ocean,
Under the anger, and under the greed. Hidden behind the veil.

There is great suffering, which we must prevail.

The strength I pray I have.

grogily I move about
sandy eyes in mornings drought
All alone in silence cleansed
All the wounds, in silence mends.

i'm quiet in my head and mind
I am no longer dead and blind
I am no long cynical
My cup is now half way full.

Here it is my crusification
here it is release of affliction
Here it is my hanging cross
suffer now, pay the cost.

Happiness is measured
By the pain you have weathered.

Not until then will you deserve a thing.

The tension in my third eye is unbearable
Most of you could never relate.
But my understanding of the universe is comparable
to the phrase "you've got to much on your plate"

I've taken it upon myself to Remove emotional chains
To let go of anger and hate and to release all of my pains.

I've decided to open my mind
No longer will judgment dwell there.
I am still looking for what I will find
When I learn what it means to truly care.

I want a meanfull life, to live how I want
I want to balance my thoughts and never give up
I want to offer love and warmth a Godly presence
I want to be a person of large reverence.

I am doing the work I am disciplining my mind.
i am reading and studying, quieting time.
I am attempting and failing soon I will find,
A warm place inside me that is all mine.

But the tension in my body is unbearable.
The energy coursing through me is comparable
To a spicket that is set on full
I've opened my eyes and ripped off the wool.

I want to live Consciously
No More Impulsive Instinct.

A bad liar could speak truth
If he could at first speak dreams
and Wishes become wants
and wants tie in the seams.

I wish I wanted to be clean
I wish I wanted the best for me
and one day I will find what it means

to be purity

I stood staring in awhe
At spectral lightening birth
And the waters poured all over me
And the lightening crashed on every thing.
You might have thought it was terrifying

But I wasn't scared of dying.

I was to busy living

Through the cycles god gave me.

Uncover your face
I am sick of knuckles
with glistening whites
showing through the cracks.

You can't hide from me any more.

I adore you.

I AM antiquity.
The dust of a thousand years covers my cracks.
I leave no one behind as they all have been had

in my wake.

I am the trembling of the shadows moving across this earth.
Each day creates new riffs and each night new notions of fear.

rhythm, idea, rhythm.

Dream build dream.

We have been moving from ice age to tropical forest
from frozen oceans to heated deserts

We weave through out creation moving with the tides
of season.

Summer winter
Day and Night
Micro Macro.

A snake wich bares its teeth
and sprays a milky sap
grab its tail by the stream
don't let it turn back

Yesterday was groovey
but now is such a face.

When I saw you in the movie
I was hoping to slow your pace

When I saw loving others
when I saw you smiling there
when I saw you under the covers
I wanted to touch your hair.

And now I am so glad,
I missed those sharp fangs,
and that white sap
I am so Glad,
I didn't get bit by that.

expansion reaches, out of my skull slowly
moves across, above and below me.
Down through my chest, ***** and keeps flowing.
Takes over my whole being with out me even knowing.

Its stretching what ever I am, i know I am not this body
I am puppeting this thing, thats what life has taught me,
and i truly am electric and death wont be able to stop me.
I feel it in the air and I know this body is not me.

So the truth is ripping out and stretching and seeing where it can go.
And I have found a place inside a mind inside a home...

Expansion reaches out ward streches around about and below me.
You should awaken and reach out let your soul get to know me.

Am I what I want to be,
Or something that needs growth

A hundred feelings out at sea
I need another dose

take the bite and hope you grow
Like alice and the shroom

Walk down the isle no cold feet
Kiss the face of your groom

Slip and slide up to your palace
dig your heels in deep

Look at silly falling alice
won't you watch her weep.

In moments like this my ears burn
I want you to hear this but need you to learn
and If i say it too soon you will reject
but if i subtly drop a hint, you may deflect.

Being true to our humanity and the truth with in
Has proven difficult but well worth it in the end.

I have watched as those around me become more aware
and I have watched my self grow as well.

When you speak of the things which are never let out
they begin to show you a different way.

If I'm honest, your form captivates me.
The skin wrapping around flesh and skull
I could stair for ever, just shaping you up.
The way it pulls down the neck, Around the shoulders.

Oh you are this creature, whom I adore.

I have slipped of tongue in mouth
and spoke of things that have caused doubt
And spoke of anger in trying ways
I've held to sentences for to many days
Peace had never found rest in my mind, or in my spine
I have held to strongly to every thing I've ever known
Because we all want memories when were old,
I know I know, the time it shows.
My past is but a story I tell day after day
Reliving old patterns and feelings in a stagnant way
I've claimed these moments my kingdom
And depression is my throne
And when you peel my skin back
The memories will be present in my bones.

Tension drips from my lips
I tighten forcefully.
I tap my finger tips
recognizably.
Hoping you look over
to see my anger seethe
Notice the chip on my shoulder
And ask it nicely to leave.
Your the thing to calm me,
and my raging head disease.

Can we say that *****
is a  million baby lives
and if I am the Demon
then you were my strife

Can we say that *****,
should never touch the floor,
A million tiny babies,
Save them! I implore.

I am not a *******
I find pleasure in just such
But if you want me to be impressed
Just try to win my trust

And if your ***** leaves you
For better or for worse,
If I am leaning into you
If we are at the church

and if you want me to
If you have that thirst


I will take your life, an essence
A precious serum for truth
A billion tiny babes,
the key to capturing youth.

We can make our own world,
a Code a mind to train.
You can be my childs father
I will bare your mothers pain.

You count them like the blessings
they fall down from the sky
You wear it like a dressing
and you think you'll never die.

You can cover it up for ever
It rots, hidings not clever
Infection will be coming soon
and you die by the charge of the full moon.

Yes you were pulled into a losing battle
Because you refused to change
and when you slipped of the saddle
You still couldn't grab life by the reigns.

The ocean climbs the earth
and we have learned to respect the tides
But You will turn back to dirt
if thats the place you try to hide.

"Do you like me" she blushes
all child like, pretending innocence and purity.
"i like u" he says
all wishing she weren't so filled with insecurity.

This is the role you play when you play in love.

Who will be the savior, the peasant and the Dove.

Who will play the child and who will play the son.

Who will play the mother, when her season comes.

"but do you love me" she asks, smiles and childish charm.

"i love you" he says as he holds to her arm.

The word mother echos in my head
For a beating heart that is now dead
Calls for me from behind psyche walls
Digs into my heart with unborn claws.

Suckles on my love, like it would a breast
Diving in my brain making a nest.
Draining me of energy, happy and smiles
Making me feel that I've murdered my child.

In my brain this little one lives
Totally real and manifested
I think alot of who she would be
What do i know, it could've been a he.

Its tiring now to think of love
When something I created has been sent above.
It's hard to look very far at my future
With this wound wide, needing sutures.

Its like I want a second chance
at being a mother
But I'm scared i would only
Smother

The responsibility would be to much to handle
But each night i hold up a lit candle
Praying to take my little one to heaven.
Since in the womb, she only made it to week 7.

I was told, you know, look its just cells
But when i saw it my heart fell.
I tiny baby just so small
Little fingers made my skin crawl.
Little arms and dotted eyes
I wonder if her soul cries.

She sees life in its glow
she never even stuttered
in the darkest of the  moments
She always simply uttered

"life is beautiful, Life is beautiful, I am lucky to be"

And in the darkness as she huttled, hugging a knee
whimpering tearfully,

"life is beautiful life is beautiful, I am lucky to be"

"life is potential and I am living, and I get to be me"

"and this pain I am feeling, how ever long, is temporary"

"one day things will change I will move, alive or dead"

"and the things that will be left will only have been those in my head"

"Life is potential and I am alive"

"Pain is sufferable, and I will survive. "

Singularly, literally illusion
perspective is the falsness of  i am one.
perspective of me, as if every one else is none.
Like one is me and i matter most
when this individual body is only a host
For the collective thought that I seem to convey
when i reach in to my heart to find the  way
I continue to try and travel
find my way deep in side my mind
I wager internal battles
But there are so many blocks to find
so many different blocks send out sound
vibration. they build fences in my  feilds
put caps on my cups.
They Block my heart out
and they stop my flow up

Hello beautiful,
I missed you while we slept
while you drifted off peacefully
i was in a world of clammer
thinking of all the possibilities
and totally enamored

i fell into a pit of self pity and decay
thinking of all the bad in all the different ways
And while your breathing staid so steady
mine became inflamed
and I squeezed you while i held it
choking down the pain

Things flashed upon my mind in rapid repetition
thought after thought
combustion after collision.

As I held you
while you slept
I thought of every possibility
and quietly wept.

I'm sitting watching letters fly
Words come  in spurts
I watch the meaning die

These people, they talk
My do I hear them
Toward trauma they flock
what mad delirium

You speak of love, you say
I want it
You speak of life, you say
I love it.

But then you show me that decay
Your breeding
Then you tell me that you'd pay
to stop bleeding.

You are killing yourself
In the name of finding something
Worth living for
and I dont see the point,
I see no point at all.

No I dont get the reasoning
In causing the fall.

Can you tell me why am I here...
Why have I become, why was I born
AM I any one. Can you tell me my name,
who am I truly.
Open my eyes.

I hate this world and I hate this mind.
I hate these feelings and I want to be blind.
Please stop what your doing, stop dipping in my brain.
Stop all of your healing, Please refrain, Now Refrain!
I will tell you What I like and I will tell you what I want
You can't make me, not tonight, You cant make me love anyone.

I hate this world, and I ******* hate these feelings!

Leave me be  I dont want you.
I dont want to , be anything more
I want death to become me, no given eternity.

Did you ever want to die, just lay your body down and disappear.
That never made since to me, I always enjoyed it here.
But now your telling me, I have better places to go.
If this isn't it, then I wanna go home.
I wanna go home, where ever that is.
Dead in the groound, stress clenched fist.
Dead asleep, wouldn't be better than this.

I sometimes wonder if I am an Angel

Or rather fallen from the sky...

You string me like a fish
on the edge of a lake
wanting to swim
but it hurts to take

I see the water and the sun
beaming down
I feel like I am the only one
tied to the ground

Who are you hear, reeling us in
who are you hear, giving our end.

I feel like a fish
strung on the bank
and before i get released
it will be far to late

The thought of you eases my pain mor eeffeciently than any narcotic or numbing agent known to man.
You see me and you love and for this I can  never truly express my gratitude.
You have take the girl who no body ever seemed to love.
My friends, my family, I was there for comic relief.
No one saw the sense in me...
But you sweet and innocent showed them all how valued I truly should have been and with that You left them alone, and took me, with you.
I have been chosen, by an angel, by God, By LUCK itself to be given unto the most beautiful of men to walk this earth.
Christ what ever did i do to deserve this happiness in love.
I suppose all those days spent suffering in youth were the bargain.
Deal well made.

My lord such a staking pain
you left me hear, but call my name
I'm glad to tell you you've won
but the feelings just now fun
cause its rushing now away
to a further worser place
and im just another case
of petty self pitty in a pool of drool

Broken based and left no fixing
Such fast paced morals mixing
Limping tired torn and welshed
You fake in front try to embellish.
Wings wont waft the stink away
Broken feathers stuck like clay
You wish to love me, no or nay
Crazy girl stuck in minds play.

Dare not to make me enter
Into truth speaking conference
With you I may just let it all
Loose
and then who would keep it tight.

Dear God you know not the things which enter
My mind.
You know not the many ways men have become
So Blind.
You will however wake up, be it now,
in a decade
In a century
and it will feel like a mild injury
assault in the first degree.
You will lick your wounds.
You found out to soon,
Always find out to soon.

We were all three so high
Mommy step daddy and daughter.
I was sixteen
My mom was so mean
She beat the **** out of me
For no reasoning.

And her old man, he had been raised the same
So understood, like we had the same brain
and he loved me, more than his own daughter.
Yeah I loved him more than my own father

He was ******, and i had always wanted to be..
A high school flunky, that was definately me.
A sick twisted mind, wrapped in sick twisted slime
**** I was an addict before my time.
10 years old watching movies about herion,
and *** and ******
and cigarettes and*******.
Needles intruiged me, I was insane.

So when Jon came in to the bath room
and said you wanna shot
I pulled out my arm,
sweat beaded hot.
He pulled out the blood,
mixed with the **** rot
Pushed it back in and it felt like a clot.
Moved to my heart
I could taste it in my mouth
in to my brain
I was passing out.

Sweet chatters clinge to the drum
The voice spoken in the other room
It always tantalized the less critical
it echoed in their heads fading always to soon...

Some left it where it was
and others brought it with them
I always tried to keep it close
I always tried to hide it with in.