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She sees life in its glow
she never even stuttered
in the darkest of the  moments
She always simply uttered

"life is beautiful, Life is beautiful, I am lucky to be"

And in the darkness as she huttled, hugging a knee
whimpering tearfully,

"life is beautiful life is beautiful, I am lucky to be"

"life is potential and I am living, and I get to be me"

"and this pain I am feeling, how ever long, is temporary"

"one day things will change I will move, alive or dead"

"and the things that will be left will only have been those in my head"

"Life is potential and I am alive"

"Pain is sufferable, and I will survive. "
My days have never been to over filled

They have always been what  I willed
Satisfaction never quite so painful
as after I looked to you.

For satisfaction never seemed so evil
until you told me what to do.

Intravenously Intertwined,
You just couldn't let me lose my mind.

You could have left me.
If I went to sleep I would have died.
To think i was just resting my eyes.

So tired,
pain brings no rest.  
So wired,
helps me deal with it.

No trust I had none to give.

Collecting my tears in a cup,

collecting will to live.

But it evaportated just as easy as them.

and the drug devoured me limb by limb.
Stale and crunchy Past my date.
Bleeding from the core turning to hate.
Losing myself once more, now who is to create.

The face in the mirror could not be me.
Sunk in and tired, is this the fee?
I'm to used to being waund.  
I dont want her around,
Two me, Two me,
One of me I can not see.
And left for you to choose
which one of me will loose.
I'm still tired, I'm still wore.
My veins, are still, very very sore.
I'm so fragile to delicate to survive
So for just right now I need you to keep me alive.

I dont mind your wieght on my shoulders,
just dont let me get any colder.
Sometimes I'm sick of waiting
for the retched evolution that's tiring this beaten body to the very brink of existance.
I'm not to selfish to try my might
But aging is tired and peace wants not fight.
How cold could my gaze be
How hard my heart. How longing I want for me to know what's my part.
BUT edging away from me is meaning and purpose
and I want to hold you.
I am so sick of nothing I have this angst that wont leave.
I have this hate that can't breathe, I have anger that wants to seethe.
I am so sick of ******* and so sick of breathing and so sick of living when will I be leaving. I am so sick of me, and I ******* love you and this hate that I have  it has nothing to do
with your love and your face and your beautiful voice
Your slow talking pace and your perfection in choice.
You heart and your **** and you name and your whole.
Its not you that makes me sick  its the lining of my soul.

I have this anger that is rotting my tongue and my teeth
this hatred that is budding  and has been for weeks.
and months and years my entire life,.
This hate that i have is causing all strife.

I am ****** and moody and I ******* hate it
I want you to woo me, try to change it
But i have to myself I have to make it.

I just hope i get out before we get jaded.
We were all three so high
Mommy step daddy and daughter.
I was sixteen
My mom was so mean
She beat the **** out of me
For no reasoning.

And her old man, he had been raised the same
So understood, like we had the same brain
and he loved me, more than his own daughter.
Yeah I loved him more than my own father

He was ******, and i had always wanted to be..
A high school flunky, that was definately me.
A sick twisted mind, wrapped in sick twisted slime
**** I was an addict before my time.
10 years old watching movies about herion,
and *** and ******
and cigarettes and*******.
Needles intruiged me, I was insane.

So when Jon came in to the bath room
and said you wanna shot
I pulled out my arm,
sweat beaded hot.
He pulled out the blood,
mixed with the **** rot
Pushed it back in and it felt like a clot.
Moved to my heart
I could taste it in my mouth
in to my brain
I was passing out.
You draw conclusions on your own time
I'm fit for the shoes I wear at night
and when you see me in your own  mind
You know what I said must have been right.

I have petted to many friends into corners
To many breaks to make ammends
Sell me my own ideas for quarters.
And why would I eat It all up.

They done it once again and again and again.

Service never was required
by those who said they want me hired.
They all know Im really to tired
SO get off of my back.

Why have we given in to this completely embarrasing
totally outdated way of living,  I dont know, I will never know.
I've been living in some strange world,
and I've been loving being your girl.
You've captured, such a beautiful thing here.

You love me don't you, its clear to me
i think I need you dont I, its easy to see.
You breathe, You breathe and you breathe

Dont choke.
Dont let go.
I want to watch you fade
into the snow...

Winters coming and its making a mess
The snow is freezing the hems of my dress
and I want you I need you I love you soo..

I am ready to watch you fade into the snow.
Transformation becomes the inside of mine spine
I have welcomed both Master and Servant to dine.
Enter me brave heart and know my confession.
I will roll on cycles of high tide and recession.

This moon which stays in place of Son.
This mother who moves in place of one.
Father would speak but his words fall on none.

My shades are vivid, and then shrouded in shadow.

I see new moons with in the flow of my blood
and when it wanes i know soon there will be flood.
I watch the changing of the fly.
Nest eggs and maggots,
a million will die.

Ascension they say
die you must
body fallen
to earths great crust.

Watch me transform
my flesh to light,

Refuse to lose
Alchemical delight.
My Inner transformation.
And jesus would be proud.
My masonic declaration
Egyptian secrets have been found.
Your sulfur and gold.
My mercury of millions.
Your outer space phenomenon
My inner cellular divisions.
I see it all
Riddle me that Horus.
The sun rises
and pours energy before us.
I'm centuries in the making.
This mind and its expansion.
I'm centuries in the making.
Many rooms, all one mansion.
Broken and then fixed
So the cracks give you
Left in the yard over night
and the cracks collect
Who are you so beautiful
collecting character as you
Who are you so terrible
acting roles because you
are terribly Fake.
And frail.
You know not who you wish to be.
Because you are fake and Frail
and depending on eternity.
Awaken and become dear me.
Am I what I want to be,
Or something that needs growth

A hundred feelings out at sea
I need another dose

take the bite and hope you grow
Like alice and the shroom

Walk down the isle no cold feet
Kiss the face of your groom

Slip and slide up to your palace
dig your heels in deep

Look at silly falling alice
won't you watch her weep.
A snake wich bares its teeth
and sprays a milky sap
grab its tail by the stream
don't let it turn back

Yesterday was groovey
but now is such a face.

When I saw you in the movie
I was hoping to slow your pace

When I saw loving others
when I saw you smiling there
when I saw you under the covers
I wanted to touch your hair.

And now I am so glad,
I missed those sharp fangs,
and that white sap
I am so Glad,
I didn't get bit by that.
Floating, in amniotic fluid
as if i could
fly away from here
But still
I need you near I need you near.

My womb My place of peace
Pieces of you in me.
My womb,  my place to ****
What ****** you of is in me.

And I am hear,  to test the waters
Your Womb
Is it in me?

My sanctuary
My harrowing disposition...
Do I effect any decision
you make?

Please, my womb, is inside of you
My place of peace my place to ****.
My face to yours
the heart I miss

My womb, My Amniotic fluid
My fetus in the womb..
Raise it if I could.
Your heart, your ****
My womb, My amniotic fluid.

My place of piece.
Pieces of you in me.
My womb in you
Take me out before I am ready
life is just to heavy....

Life can be fun
Water banks above me
Glistening in the sun
Here I'm below the shallows
Burrowing in the mud
My lungs can't breath the water
So I'm gasping clenched.
Water banks above me
You'd think I'd be drenched
But the water all around me
Is not the swimming kind
It's all the **** pollen
That's accumulated
In my mind
See I'm slowly suffocating
With the stress induced
From being alive
And having to choose.

Movements chaos
Even the ocean tides
And I'm trying to live
But it's hard to survive
And I try to keep mine
And give when I can
But it's hard to find another
With a clean hand.
I feel like every ones red
Bright shades like blood
And it makes me remember I'm burrowed in mud.
Give me more she said my lord
Oh give me more I'm such a *****.
Give me more She said my lord
Oh give me more hes such a bore.

Flowers don't grow with an ice witch narcissism.
Tell me did it hurt when you got your circumcision?

Assassin heart sharp shooting harlot
Tear every part your letters scarlet.

Don't trust me, I can't see
The lie was blind and I live by instinct

with every fruit i take a leaf
then its gone and then I leave.

Blows to know the dangers of the cold
but it goes to show your true colors when your old.......
This is a song i wrote out of frustration with infidelity and people i am close with dealing with it.
"Do you like me" she blushes
all child like, pretending innocence and purity.
"i like u" he says
all wishing she weren't so filled with insecurity.

This is the role you play when you play in love.

Who will be the savior, the peasant and the Dove.

Who will play the child and who will play the son.

Who will play the mother, when her season comes.

"but do you love me" she asks, smiles and childish charm.

"i love you" he says as he holds to her arm.
Spoken like a true martyr  
Suffering taught fully and for most
This life is not for you.

But for those who degrade

Innocence and youth
Beyond compare.

I suffered for the sins of my ancestors
For those mistakes made in mind.  

At the hands of my gaurdians
I was splayed before the Satan
In my own mother
I was the blood shed and hate
I was the hang man dangling
I was the beaten fool.
For my whole existence at one certain point.
I was the center of distress for this world.
At what cost to my own growth
Did I sacrifice my self
For the wrath of intolerance.
I would always let you walk on me
For I had no other choice.
But you were the one whose will
My existence ebbed on.
And you were the one who gave your only begotten daughter
To the **** with In you.
I stand tall.
I am lucifer
And then I am jesus christ.
About growing up with my mom.
My Lover, My husband, My friend
My brother, my son,
you've been with me till the end.

This breathing of mine will soon cease

and still I'll be resting at your feet.

My savior, My christ, My light.
It pains me to leave you
as my soul is taking flight.

The fun we have had,
the days when we lay crying
are all flashing before me
as its me who lays here dying.

And for every single bad day
I hope you to forgive me
and for every single good day
i wish you to relive me.

My whole existence
has been for your amusement
and I am so grateful
for no other way I'd use it.

My lover my husband my friend
I've enjoyed being with you
until the very end.
A poem written for a contest, about dying
Every single time you try
to tame the flaming fire inside
You have to dim the lights a little
You have to stiffen the bribe.
And every single time you try
to tame the flaming fire inside
I see your lights I see your lights
they dim.

Don't loosen my load
Dont take the long road
dont leave me behind
Hi and dry
I want to try I want to try.
If I'm honest, your form captivates me.
The skin wrapping around flesh and skull
I could stair for ever, just shaping you up.
The way it pulls down the neck, Around the shoulders.

Oh you are this creature, whom I adore.
Tension drips from my lips
I tighten forcefully.
I tap my finger tips
Hoping you look over
to see my anger seethe
Notice the chip on my shoulder
And ask it nicely to leave.
Your the thing to calm me,
and my raging head disease.
If this pressure is definite
Why does it sway my contractions.
How could I be so strong
to crush my body under my own tension.
Your beauty is nothing new.
I have a type.
The hair is just a variable
The teeth the eyes.

Your so similar to any one I ever loved.

But your so precious
So different.
So you.
Pastels fade into eachother
And then white
With no nuance of shadow
Then light upon light

This is a moment
This a thought
An idea will form
Then so will a plot

My heart will bleed
In the dark blues that appear
Out lines of black
To out line my fears

Red and flesh to show that I'm raw
A painting before you
Of a minds graceful fall
Can you tell me why am I here...
Why have I become, why was I born
AM I any one. Can you tell me my name,
who am I truly.
Open my eyes.

I hate this world and I hate this mind.
I hate these feelings and I want to be blind.
Please stop what your doing, stop dipping in my brain.
Stop all of your healing, Please refrain, Now Refrain!
I will tell you What I like and I will tell you what I want
You can't make me, not tonight, You cant make me love anyone.

I hate this world, and I ******* hate these feelings!

Leave me be  I dont want you.
I dont want to , be anything more
I want death to become me, no given eternity.

Did you ever want to die, just lay your body down and disappear.
That never made since to me, I always enjoyed it here.
But now your telling me, I have better places to go.
If this isn't it, then I wanna go home.
I wanna go home, where ever that is.
Dead in the groound, stress clenched fist.
Dead asleep, wouldn't be better than this.
Broken based and left no fixing
Such fast paced morals mixing
Limping tired torn and welshed
You fake in front try to embellish.
Wings wont waft the stink away
Broken feathers stuck like clay
You wish to love me, no or nay
Crazy girl stuck in minds play.
I bleed in shades of grey and white
How dare you question my meaning
and in this time we never reach out
TO those in worser need of preening.

You love to talk about yourself
I can relate to you.
But dear  you ignore my ever cry
When you need to lend an ear too.

I bleed in shades of acrylic gel and
Paste to far along the edge.

You scrap the dried flakes away
after You pushed me off the ledge.
The tension in my third eye is unbearable
Most of you could never relate.
But my understanding of the universe is comparable
to the phrase "you've got to much on your plate"

I've taken it upon myself to Remove emotional chains
To let go of anger and hate and to release all of my pains.

I've decided to open my mind
No longer will judgment dwell there.
I am still looking for what I will find
When I learn what it means to truly care.

I want a meanfull life, to live how I want
I want to balance my thoughts and never give up
I want to offer love and warmth a Godly presence
I want to be a person of large reverence.

I am doing the work I am disciplining my mind.
i am reading and studying, quieting time.
I am attempting and failing soon I will find,
A warm place inside me that is all mine.

But the tension in my body is unbearable.
The energy coursing through me is comparable
To a spicket that is set on full
I've opened my eyes and ripped off the wool.

I want to live Consciously
No More Impulsive Instinct.
Baby blue got lost in the river.

down at the bottom only spine would shiver.

The quake was so endearing lost her veiw of the past

And she fell into the ocean river couldn't last.

baby blue filled with bruise said she had nothing to loose.

baby blue was a liar.  who fell into the fire.

Baby blue met a man said he'd try to under stand.

But she had nothing left to give, lost it all in the fire.

needle in her skin try to climb higher.

Baby blue still had her man, who staid  to understand

he said she had to put out the fire. Try to regain life desire.

what a mess that she had,  been burnt pretty bad.

The fire was still burning, but the embers needed nurturing...

baby blue had nothing left for them.

all that was left was left  for him.

stomped out the coals.

bid adu to lost souls.

Baby's got a new fire. and it burns for lifes desire.
I broke that middle bone
the one they call the spine
It fell apart today
while I stood in line.

I was waiting for some love,
or some appreciation
I broke my back to day
in mid frustration

while i handed my pride to you
and begged that you would keep it

Keep it clean for me,
cause later i would need it.

My back bone broke, it even might have bleeded.

and with out that stupid thing i dont think i ever would have

So now that my back bones gone
my spine has dissapeared
I guess i will just wither away
This is always what I've feared .
Say you want honey flavored tragedy...
You want rough but sweetly.

You want the life but with out the pain
You want the crazy but with out the insane..

You wont find it, no happy medium
you must learn to love the blood dripping from them.

You must learn to love the pain of birth
You must learn exactly what this life is worth...

I breathe more carbon dioxide than oxygen
yet I still survive with hundreds of men

I never questioned the pain of this existence
Its what makes me strong enough to run the distance.
Spittle dribbled from the chin
Quivering skeleton breaking at bend
Terrible timing for all of you to see
Terrible minding I've fallen to My knees.

In the weakest of moments
You'd label me then
In the weakest of states
You'd count all my sin.

And it shows your insides
Beauties stained me,
if its taught me anything
its taught me everything .... will fade away in time
and my skin is aging, yes my skin is aging
My beauties stained me, it wont sustain me
Your vortex is a vacuum
And you pull and pull and pull
I try to center you
In the center.
But your forcing your way through.
Images and voices accompanied with  a certain feeling.

I've never seen a face or saw the being.

But He moves in shades of pine and images of cut wood.

Glitter in the air and whispers in my ear.

Am I insane i ask myself?
Is this God I wonder?

Is there some sick twisted joke under all of this...

Am I being played for the fool?
I've been scolded by your history
Oh maternal instinct
I want you to know
That had I been
What transgressed
Would  have passed long before it was born.
I wouldn't put you through those trials.
I wouldn't trick you with fake smiles.
I AM antiquity.
The dust of a thousand years covers my cracks.
I leave no one behind as they all have been had

in my wake.

I am the trembling of the shadows moving across this earth.
Each day creates new riffs and each night new notions of fear.

rhythm, idea, rhythm.

Dream build dream.

We have been moving from ice age to tropical forest
from frozen oceans to heated deserts

We weave through out creation moving with the tides
of season.

Summer winter
Day and Night
Micro Macro.
We'll be living in all the oceans now

Atomically spread out

Flipping twitching

cellular division.

I'll always be pulled back to you.

All this separation
splitting ends
and devastation
Calls for some type of

Pull yourself apart and create a
new nation.
Soakers threading into me
My atoms molecules of me
my patterned skin
my pores and holes
my gaseous aura
my melting pose.

Soakers pushing into me
tricking me with some instinct
and moving in and coming home
and knowing that im not alone.
Queen of labor
Queen of pain
Oh let me savor
Your every pang
You want for more
And I can give
More to explore
And more to live.

Don't stress my hole
Don't worry my doll
Other end of my pole
My rise and my fall.

Eternity is what we have
Quiet control is how you impede my movement.
You douse me In your outward flowing
So you can threaten its extinction.
I wanted to know christ
Me the foresaken *****
The indulgence itself.
Me the desire to be
Wanted to meet christ
In all of his expression.
The roots of my born
Were edging toward light
And with out me
No one would have even seen.
Where is the center of me
In side tubing
Or clipped to the blinds?
Seizure sedation
Coma dream
I'm shaking my own crust
At a whim to escape.
Do you see with those eyes
Which looked disfigured
To my insecurities
My own temptations.

My failings say you are faulty
Can I accept we both have our
And that intolerance of your blemishes
is fear of my own.
Sing to me
Of poppy seed
and seductive
ocean tides.

Tell me of
the cruelty
of all the emotions
that you hide.

Broken arrows
tend not to  fly
hearts a vessel
a thousand times

I pump you through
all the parts of me
hearts a vessel
to the day we die.
Dreams catch feathers all by themselves

and me I like my coffee sweet

But nature never offered beans in the flavor of

Vanilla except in Orchids

The flowers of which have always reminded me of

My Own anatomy

What does it mean to cave inward

at the peak between my legs...

I'll never know what it means...

But my heart beats in unison with ******

like there is something to it and its a part of me

A part beyond kidney

a part like heart.
I'm severed heads in
sheets for beds
but lane across a high way.

You want me to comfort you
But seen across the fly way

You lift off a stop to short
and end up in the by way.
Tender flex
You bended so gently
Like the breeze was only asking
You to sway.

Tender flexability
You arch your posture
To prove to me
You are reactive.

Tendons flex
To move me,
I feel so complicated.
Blankets cast up in the air
And float down like some beautiful veil
Comfort warmth and sweet incase
Cover up your lovely face
And keep your truth away from me
Cast my view of what I want to see
But I don't want your skeleton

I don't want your skeleton...
That's all you are to me
But I want you to be more.

Take down my walls of belief
Remove my perspective from me.

I don't want your skeleton.
Unfolding petals
slipping into sunlight
For its first day of expression
and it knows just what to do
but the rays scorch her soft tissue
and her color goes brown

how sadistic the father.
Used to be the only pain i felt was that of being alone
Seems now the pain Im feeling is different.
Now its like a ripping tearing away of oxygen from my lungs.
and as i get older... it gets worse.... As we get closer it more so hurts.
For every time you raise your fist its not only making connection to my heart
but its destroying everything we have created and so the pain is more immense.
I wish it wasn't so, i wouldnt want it to be.... But the only answer there is none.
You can't love me perfectly, you can't treat me with respect all the time. You have to fail.
You have to rip my heart out of my chest and spit into my wound.
because thats what lovers do.

Thats just the way things are. I open my arms and you tear them apart.
How dare i speak, how dare i look. Questioning your intellegence playing the devils advocate.
I am a monster aren't i. Treat me with the coldest of shoulders. Set me on fire and watch my insides smoulder. You wish i would burn dont you.
You want me out of your head out of your house.
Out of your heart, not to be your spouse.
You get sickened by me, I turn your smiles into biles.
Everything was fine before....
Its just the pain is now more..
and im stuck in limbo, between two seperate worlds.
Mine and yours...
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