Some nights I dream;
I dream of things far-fetched from the reality of my life, things of fantasy.
Butterfly kisses and hands held with fingers intertwined.
Others calling me their family, arms slung around my shoulders, deep laughter abounding from their chests.
And some nights, though few and far between;
I dream of someone kissing me, gentle caresses and sweet words.
Meadows of wildflowers and sunshine, gentle breezes and the smell of lavender.
Lying side by side with another person and holding them as they hold me, soft smiles and touches.


In the dark times of my life, where the dreams do not come.
I remember the butterfly kisses, wildflower meadows, and fingers intertwined.
I remember love.

there are no stories where the beautiful queen loves the royal fool.
the fool, being as such she is titled, loves her queen all the same.
even as the fool has to tolerate the abuse of the king and his knights,
a smile from her queen is all she needs to stay.
but when the fool no longer wishes to be as such, there is no smile from her queen.
there is only silence.
there are no stories where the beautiful queen loves the royal fool.
but there is one story, where the fool is no longer the fool,
because she knows her queen was the real fool.

I am a fire.
I burn bright and I burn loud.
I will not let you extinguish me, I will not let you ******* out.
I am the light that helps so many to see, so many to feel safe.
I will not let you take me from them.
I will not sway, I will not flicker.
I will burn everything in my way.
I ask that you either feed the flame,
or run and hide.
Because god knows I'm not going to go away any time soon.

step one, step two
in the tar you lost your shoe
step three, step four
you don't belong anymore
step five, step six
the kids are snorting pixie sticks
step seven, step eight
tonight you and charlie are going to hop the freight
step nine, step ten
you wonder when you'll be whole again
turn, step one, step two
charlie and you found your shoe
step three, step four
you bought a house with a pretty red door
step five, step six
you never really liked pixie sticks
step seven, step eight
you laugh 'till its late
step nine, step ten
you learn how to be whole again

a bottle of pills cannot evaporate the darkness you face, my friend.
they are stepping stones. the start. they may be at the end. they may not.
there will be many who are beacons; a few shall be your flashlights.
remember they have batteries; remember that the glass can crack.
remember that they can dim and flicker out, and you will need to leave them behind. such is as life goes.
there will be signs, there will be illusions. there will be sunny days and there will be days when it seems the sun has flickered out.
the road is hard and worn, and not all who travel it see the end.
but many still have, many still do.
many will find you on this road, and they will walk with you.
some will leave, some will stay, some will take the other path.
you will find me on this same road, and i hope we can walk it together.
we shall be the beacons, like others have been for us. we shall be each other's flashlights.
we will be the sun.

darkness slips between my fingers, and demons twirl and prance around me, this is what i'm used to.
and then you came.
you asked me why i was sitting in the darkness, while the world was just beyond me.
you took my hand and the darkness evaporated, and the demons hissed and hid from you.
you are bright and happy and good.
i am dark and melancholy and pain.
the sun is not supposed to hold hands with the moon,
yet you did.
you still do.
the moon is not supposed to fall in love with the sun,
yet i did.
i still do.

We'd wear our hearts on our sleeves
our hopes embroidered into our vests
so when the dark consumed us
of course there was nothing left.
You'd learned your lesson
packed your bags and hid
left me behind
thought I was easy to kid.
I've seen things, my friend
things that one cannot forget
things that made me stronger
for every challenge I've met.
I wear my scars with pride
but now you, my friend
you've begun to inflict them
but I will not let others end.
I will not let you harm them
I swear upon my life
because you've become the darkness we'd faced
and I have become the light.

They always taught us that angels were beautiful golden haired creatures; pale skin, soft features, the warriors of the big man upstairs.
I always thought that angels were just bright, bright stars; who come down to earth to help us shine brighter.
I've met many angels in my life.
One was a kind older woman, my mothers age, that wore scarves and bandannas to cover her shaven head. She liked going out for corn dogs when the chemo was too much.
One was a rounder taller woman, a booming voice and a smile always on her face. Whenever I thought of her, I saw copper pennies.
Angels come to us when we need them most, they say.
But they never said about when they go away.
When all that's left is a feather and a few precious memories.
When they're reduced to a spark compared to how much they shone.
When all that's left for you is a feather and memories.
They never said to me what happens when they leave, yes.
But they never told me that more come our way.

Fold, crease, unfold, repeat, turn over, fold, crease, unfold, repeat.
New sheet of paper, same thing, again and again and again
One chance, only one wish
One wish for a thousand paper cranes.

Cracks in the china
glue glue glue glue
glue it all back together
fix what is broken
even with ****** bandaged hands
more cracks
more glue
more caution
more bandages
i am so tired
of trying to fix
a china doll
that wishes
to be
broken.

i've been crying for what seems like days now
another loop
another hurtle
of course, of course, its never that easy.
sleep all day
cry most of the night
"don't be a sad sack."
chew on my lip
fiddle with my hands
crying again
sleeping again
"stop being a sad sack."
chew on my finger nails
bags under my eyes
can't cry anymore
don't want to hear it again
smile, smile
won't say it again if you smile.

I never see you
I rarely get to hear your voice
Have you ever really looked at me?
You've never talked to me one on one with any real sincerity in your words
Only always with that plain greeting and fake smile
We've tried, you know?
To be with you
To just be near you for god's sake.

And every time,
you push
us
away.

Mom told me that when the two of you were little that you stayed at your grandmother's house for a night. You had an old t- shirt, and they had silk pajamas.
She said that you've never forgotten how that felt.
To be the poor relation in the family
To have less than someone else
To be seen as less to someone else.

We wear old t-shirts.
And you wear the silk pajamas.
I'm never going to forget the way you've treated us.
But you will.
You always do.

Light touches, ghostly flits over my own hands
They smile
Sun and stars they call me, kissing the back of my hand
Warm
Warm and real and safe
And they love for love's sake
Love in their gaze, in their heart
My moon, my air, my dearest
I am home.

Hands are shaking, loud, always loud and in my face
Something is gripping at my heart, hard to breathe, to look them in the face
Tears
I'm crying
Shaking harder, louder, always louder at the tears
Try to make them stop won't you?
It never really works.