Threw my pills across the floor and my blades against the wall,
Screamed until the voices stopped, cried until I was sick-does anyone care at all?
Vomited until I was sore, destroyed mirrors until glass was on the floor,
I fell to insanity leaving reality for a while until I came back realizing I was shattered form the core.*

❣

My emotions are obstreperous once more,
I cannot think straight; this sensation I abhor.
The impulse is too strong and the relapse is near,
it's racing through my bloodstream - that alone is clear.
It's screaming at me to be released quickly,
and the anxiety building up is making me feel sickly.

I reach for the blade after four months clean,
why to myself must I be so mean?
It burns and stings as I drag it across my wrist,
every sin and feeling is freed into the midst.
This is yet another battle that I have managed to lose,
another fifty wounds leaking out a red sea and I have lit the fuse.

a hand.

my breathing slows
i fight back the throbbing in my forehead

"what's wrong?"

i bury my tear-stained face into his chest
he slides onto the bed
pulls me tight
rubs my back

"it's okay.
it's all okay.
it's okay."

It's growing from the back of my brain until it consumes me in its entirety. It started when I was young, little voices speaking to me, telling me about my self worth and my placement in society. It grew into a sort of friend who had the upper hand over me. She was always there standing next me when I would get dressed in the morning, or when I was standing on the scale...
It's funny how you don't realize what's happening until you're in too deep staring at a plate of food and seeing it turn into the lumps on my thighs. Staring into the toilet, watching your tears and sweat drip into the water. Staring at your wrist wondering how you ever lost yourself... I suppose people sympathize with you more when you're young because you're just now discovering how terribly awful the world is, and how terribly awful the weight of gravity seems to hang around into your twenties. I wonder if people can see her. I wonder if people can see this being that hangs around me, holding me down when I just need to get out of bed. She's growing.
5.28.15