and it only occurred to you upon glancing at yourself today
how lonely it feels
hands pressed against your body this way
tide shifting to move mountains
to let your latest current through

hip bones
thighs
the infrequent sighs

signs of some meaning to come

once the other hand has won
then is it time for you to run?

come down from your mountain top
where heaven's always too late

climb out of that hole
the one you dug with your own hands

come taste the moonlight
feel the dew like cool sunshine
sink into your skin

breathe in the breeze

let this wilderness seep in

i've finally started to see
that being single
just means being me

single doesn't mean missing something

single doesn't mean empty
single doesn't mean one less
doesn't mean i lost something

i just gained myself
i just gained freedom


1≠0

1≠-1

me and you did not always equal two
sometimes it was more me carrying you

i used all those burned bridges
all that baggage
those tears
the broken glass
the stained sheets
the anniversary presents
that old t-shirt i took
all those sweaters too
even those socks i stole in the winter
when the snow soaked through my shoes

i took all the leftovers
from all those years
and i used them to learn

stacked up all those memories
used them to reach a new understanding

re-purposed old arguments
to make me a better woman

i stopped covering old scars
i let them remind me of how far i've come instead

i let the slight tinge of pain
when i see your face
remind me that my heart
still works
that my brain still remembers
and that's OK

getting over
and moving on
isn't feeling nothing

1≠0


moving on
and getting over
means trusting myself

making my own decisions
making my own mistakes
instead of cleaning up someone else's

it means standing on both my feet

instead of balancing on one

it means keeping myself warm at night
easing my own mind

it means taking care of myself
so that i can love me

it means looking in the mirror
and knowing i am beautiful
not waiting for the words to come off of someone else's lips

being single

means i have nothing to lose
and everything to gain

so no i am not lonely
no i am not bored

no i am definitely not looking
i am not searching

i have already found my partner
i found her the second you left me
by myself

i still find her everyday

my other half
is just myself being whole

i find my soulmate
every day without you

i find her in the subway
humming to herself on the platform
i find her in my morning coffee
i find her looking back at me every day
and every night
i find her staring at me through the mirror
and i find her in all those times
that i used to feel alone

being single doesn't mean i am singular

i am an infinite arsenal of strength
of hope and self-love

being without you
gives me more time to become me

and i think i'm going to love
this becoming
more than i ever loved
being with someone else

i don't need a relationship history
to define what i should be

i am writing my own **** book
and the heroine is me

i don't need a script
written by some husband-to-be

my life is not a fairy tale movie

it's a real, raw, documentary
and it's starring me

so i don't need
five star reviews
from past lovers and fools
to tell me how good my acting was

i don't need to act anymore
i don't need to fake it

i'm doing this for me
now and forever
and since you carry yourself
wherever you go
forever and always
is one promise
that i know i can keep

and if i do meet someone
who says they love me

well this time i'll love me too

next time it won't be 1+1=2

it will be 1+1= 1 +1
i'll be me and you'll be you

but for now it's just me
and i'm more than just enough
i'm plenty

as she trudged up the mountain
        ^
      / \
    /     \
  /         \
/             \
victory pulsing through her veins

badum badum badum badum

her eyes set intently on the peak

a deathly stare

she knew she could do anything

anything at all

she was anything but meek

this world is not for the meek

do you believe in god?

funny how it sounds like asking
if you believe in magic

when you were a kid it was a given
now we are not so sure

do you believe in heaven?
or is this place the reality?

do you believe in life after death?

are those taken from us just waiting for us to come back to them?

do you believe in god?
is she who we thought she was?

do you believe in god?
or the power of humanity?
why have those become mutually exclusive?

do you believe in responsibility?
or has faith taken that from you?

do you believe in prayer?
worship at the altar?
robes and crowns? kneeling and bowing down?

or do you believe it is within you?
silent, personal, private

do we need a building
ornate and magnificent?
to prove our innocence?

or do we need only ourselves
our hearts alone with god

i don't need a book
telling me what to be
i don't need a circle of men
to tell me when to breathe

i don't need stained glass windows
to make me see the light

no scrolls or ancient articles
to tell me what is right

my spirit is the one
that leads me to prayer at night

my god doesn't hate
doesn't reward evil with spite
my god doesn't create love
just to punish those who practice it

my god doesn't abide by labels
or care who you go to bed with at night

my god doesn't need you
to play the saint
only when the spotlight's on you
my god
sees through the facade

my god
is my god

arms wrapped around me
as neon crimson floats through the air
crowd swaying back and forth
fain smell of cigarettes and liquor
beer spilt on the venue floor
sticky beneath our feet
i lost an earring
i can't remember why i was so upset

embracing

that is what i miss the most

who do i have to embrace now

what embraces me now
but silence?

soft water
hard stone

tender heart but wild and over grown

maybe one day
ill learn to let go

i'm writing this because i need to focus
i'm writing this because i need to get it off my chest
i'm writing this because it's driving me insane
rather
i'm writing this because i don't know if i'm going crazy or if it's real
i'm writing this because i have a mile high stack of responsibilities with my name on it that i can't seem to get to because all day all i do is think of you.
so here goes.

i'm still in love with you.

scrap that.

i still think of you every day
i still feel your touch on my skin
i still hear your voice in my ear
i still catch myself pretending you're next to me
when i can't sleep at night

so what do you think?
am i still in love?

is this just the loneliness of winter in the city getting to me?
is this just desperation?
is this just having not been kissed in so long?
is this OCD? is it depression? is it my anxiety?

or is it you?
is it me?
was that why you left?

it doesn't matter anyway, right?


each memory of us replaying through my mind like a film with no ending
i spend each morning and each night waiting
for that final scene

i tried to force myself to think
of all the reasons we went bad
all the sour memories
bitterness
i could taste it on my tongue
cruel words
pouring out of my mouth
like hot oil
the tears
burning like fire from my eyes

but the laughter and the joy
keep coming back
oh god joy
i haven't felt that in a while have i

it had become a synonym for you

now i know that i'm fine
i have no trouble getting through

it's just the getting over
that's proven hard to do

so if someone could let me know

am i in love?

or is this a passing storm?

will i sink or swim?
should i dive right in?

i don't know what's worse
seeing you and feeling the air being ripped out of my chest
sensibility blowing away like petals in the wind
or seeing your face and feeling nothing
absolutely nothing at all