Killing myself has always been a back burner option
Been something floating in the foreground like an exit sign in a dimly lit room that I’ve never used
See, I wake up every day and choose not to use it
I decide it’s all worth it
The way the cold makes my thighs red on a Friday night
How the crisp winter breeze reminds me what it’s like to feel something
How you made me feel good, past tense and bad present tense but **** isn’t it a gift to feel this range of emotions again
I feel all this love and heartbreak that I never thought I would again
I thought the winter wind made me numb but instead it made me realize how wonderfully alive I am
I would never do anything to change that, I’ll never take the quick exit
For that, havent I won, something?

I used to sleep to dream you
But now I wake to forget you cause
My subconscious mind keeps bringing us back together
And when I wake it hurts all over again
Like I’m losing you all over again
In my dreams I can still reach for you
You’re still with me
Laughing
Then I wake up and remember you’re gone, again
Come back, again
I’ll love you, again

I’ve been learning what I deserve
Who I deserve
What makes me happy
Who makes me happy
Still sprinkled with self destruction
And holding onto fond memories
I’ve got a ways to go
But my how far I’ve come

I'm back at square one
I know I've been here before
felt this
before
Everything seems so unfinished
There’s still more to say
More to experience
More connection to be had
I wish you’d wait it out a little longer but
Instead I’ll just write you one last time
Open the door to a second try
Remind you that I’m still here
Smiling, waiting
Lord knows I’m special
And I know you’re special
It’s hard to ignore how comfortable we felt
But maybe I felt like her when you closed your eyes
And maybe I didn’t make you feel the way she did when you opened them
Maybe it was her you were reaching for all along
Our connection wasn’t the same as yours but
Did you really give it a fighting chance
Or did you just hide away from the possibility
From the commitment
From the vulnerability
I’m still here arms open, eyes bright
I’m still here
Still here

Maybe we both were trying to find the heart of someone else in between the arms of each other
Maybe I was just a place holder for what you were missing
Maybe I was a bandaid on a leaking dam
Maybe it’s all much more simple but
I’ll probably never know
Never know what it was you were looking for
What changed your mind
What you were waiting to have happen
Is my smile too big my heart too open?
Did my confidence scare you away
What was I missing

I’ve been starting to think that I can love you in your absence
And I’m worried that if you came back
Next week
Next year
Ten years from now
I’d still love you
And kiss goodbye to all I’ve held since you left
All that held me since you left
Just so I could hold you, feel you
Again