it’s so frustrating because i know you wanted to be with me, on those days you drove almost an hour each way to see me and you kissed me so often and held me so tight and always pulled me closer and i could feel your eyes on me when i wasn’t looking, and we spent day after day like this, just being together and pretending that time could stand still, but at the same time, i feel like it was all just something for you to do while you were home, even though you deny it. i remember starting to tear up one afternoon with my head on your chest while you slept, because i knew it was just a matter of time till this was just a memory. i can’t picture you actually missing me, i can’t imagine you actually wishing i hadn’t said i was done with grey and in between. i feel like i’m so insignificant to you. like you have no feelings, like you couldn’t care less, this is just life, people come and go. and i know that, i know this is just life, and that people come and go, but it hurts that it’d never cross your mind to ask me to stay, that i was fun while i lasted, that you never wanted to make me yours. i’ll fade soon. i want to matter more to you. you’re a thinker, i’m a feeler, you hate that i’m so black and white. but i’m selfish and i want 3am texts that you can’t stop thinking about me and that you need to see me again soon. but that’s not who you are. and it’s unfair of me to want you to feel that way when you don’t. and it’s really okay, because if i extended my hand to you and you took it, i don’t think we would’ve gotten very far anyway. i loved being so close to you, but i’m excited to hold someone’s hand who doesn’t want to let go, to kiss someone who wants to kiss me forever, to not be anticipating an inevitable end, to be able to trust someone fully with my heart, to have someone that wants to hold it. and i don’t need that, i don’t need someone, i don’t need anyone. but if one day it’s what’s meant to be, i’ll let it be. i don’t want to be careless with my heart again. i don’t know why things happen the way they do, and i don’t regret you for a second, and i still think the world of you, but i’m too emotional and i fall too deep to give that much of myself again to someone who never asked for any of it in the first place.

You give yourself to someone,
become entwined with their soul,
then have to watch as they slowly melt away,
like a thin layer of snow, in the winter sun,
in desperation we try to grasp the vapor
but it slips through our hands
and drifts to the sky

It was raining really hard,
I’m standing under an empty shed
And the sky wasn’t starred,
Seemed like all the lights were dead

You came under the umbrella,
With your face neither happy nor sad
I looked up hoping to see the Capella,
But still the sky seemed mad

Slowly, I glanced at you,
I caught you staring at me
Then the wind hardly blew,
The freezing rain fell free

Suddenly, the shower stopped
You smiled, I blushed
Overwhelmed, my gaze dropped,
And everything around hushed

Then lights started flickering,
I thought they were the stars
But no, they weren’t shimmering,
The fireflies were ours

Words mean nothing
Nothing at all
If your word is going to be like a glass after it falls.

Broken
Empty
Only spoken

Truth versus illusion.
That seems to fit.
Where the illusion was that I was perfect with him
When the truth is that I couldn't stop the tears from leaving the brim.

I still remember

all the conversations we had,
the promises you made
when you told me you loved me
the way you played with my hair
the way you'd smile at something I said
how you held my hand
your laugh
the way you texted
your snore
when you told me you had feelings for me
your voice

But you don't long for me the way I long for you. Anymore.