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Jul 2018 · 144
Nick
ejrmaguire Jul 2018
In a different time...
In a different place..
In a different world...
Maybe.....

E.J.R.M.
Jul 2018 · 363
Mad hatter
ejrmaguire Jul 2018
We started talking and down I fell..
Into the rabbit hole.
We visited a far away place and oh what fun we made..
I fell in love with your intensity..
Your soul, your heart, your impetuous laugh..
I knew then that you were my mad hatter and I was your Alice.
So it began. This whirlwind romance
I felt amazing,  loved, cherished and blessed. I made you feel the same..
We made plans..
Then the world got in the way..
The real showed through
And the cracks started to show.
I tried to follow you here and it wasn't the same..
The bliss got lost along the way..
The March Hare came and swept us away with time..
Your beautiful madness got dirtier here.. I watched you change..
Something hard to swallow, even harder to follow..
The pain eventually swallowed you whole..
I'm standing here now in absolute sorrow.
I want to go back down the rabbit hole..
And I can't find the way..
How do I find you?

E.J.M.
Jun 2017 · 146
Happy
ejrmaguire Jun 2017
I struggle daily with the decision to make others happy or myself happy. This may be the hardest decision I make daily

E.J.M.
Oct 2016 · 263
Fucked up...
ejrmaguire Oct 2016
Life is so far from being what I need.
But I won't let it go that way.
Too simple, concise..
And I'm caught up. Alone but caught up..
What is it that you want from me?
Does everybody just want everything?  
To give nothing?
My heart is ragged pieces... I did that ...
I let it get this far...
And everything I love put me there..
And you keep coming back.. that last time..
Is never the last...
And I can't walk away... I was never built like that.
Everything is ****** up... you scare me...
Yet I stay... and I reply when you show up.... why did it all have to go this way?

E.J.M.
Jun 2016 · 182
Heartbreak
ejrmaguire Jun 2016
There are increments in which your heart breaks...

E.J.M.
Jun 2016 · 174
Dangerous
ejrmaguire Jun 2016
The light across your shoulders...
Those tattoo'd muscles flexing...
The danger that pours off you...
I'm here..
Wild horses couldn't drag me away...
Those teeth on my lips...
Your hands on my hips...
The roughness that rolls off  of you...
Then you hold my hand...
All that anger inside of you..  so dangerous
So bottled up.... I release you...
So hot and heavy..  our eyes meet..  and you say smile...
We light up like an inferno...
And that smile takes my breath away...
All those edges of you turn to softness against me..
I know you're  dangerous..  
I don't heed the warning though...
You walked away ..   now you're back...
Because I love you this way...

E.J.M
Jun 2016 · 273
Court
ejrmaguire Jun 2016
Another time... another place...
The you and I of before...
Before I knew what I know now.
You bring me back...
To that place... that girl.. that didn't know what was to come.
You apologize... everything.
Every time...
I can't forgive you.. because I haven't forgotten...
And it takes time...
Months on end.. the waiting
Court...waiting on a sentence to change this...
You changed me..
I'm not the girl I ws before you...
I'm damaged... broken...
Wanting to be alone...
The opposite of what I wanted with you...
Those shattered emotions...
Because of you...
There's no tears.. no regret.. just acknowledgement.
Of the wrongs committed against me while I loved you.

I'm broken and we are waiting.
Everything takes time..
Your words always take me to a sad place...
My voice saves you...
Another time another place... maybe...

E.J.M.
Apr 2016 · 130
pieces
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
Aren't we all just pieces of someone else?
Some sense memory.. tied in to memories..
Snippets of previous interactions?
The way you walk reminds someone of someone else...
The way your eyes light up...
Someone saw that same sparkle..in another place and time... on another person.
We are ourselves completely....
But to someone else... we are merely pieces...
Some sense memory of someone else...
That they use to know..

E.J.M.
Apr 2016 · 319
stunning...
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
The smile lights my world...
You across the parking lot..
Whistling at me.
Me blushing.
Our playful bantering...
It's gone..
You are stunning, fierce, loving,  gorgeous and beautiful.
I could watch you work for days...
That smiles gone...
That smile that was just for me...
Where did it fade to?
You're still stunning but cold...
I'm here frozen with the heartbreak of it...

I just want your smile back...

E.J.M.
Apr 2016 · 141
T
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
T
Tuesday came... and I saw you...
Beautiful as ever..hard and ****..
I looked at you..you ignored me for the first time ever..
It felt like a slap in the face..
My playful lover, gone away..
And I froze up
I forgot what to say...
How to say it...
Maybe if I'd said something I wouldn't be writing this poem about my frozen heart...
I walked away.
It's what you wanted.  
I took my caught feelings and did exactly as you wanted.
I made it easy for you... because I love you.
This isn't what I want... I didn't say it..
I said nothing...
All frozen and numb... wanting desperately to flee from you...
Someone two days ago I couldn't wait to kiss..
You pulled that stone around you and pushed me out of a speeding bus...
My hands were shaking,  breath catching in my throat, voice catching there too...
You let me walk away..
I should have said something...
Though a day later... after hours of pondering...
I still don't know what ....
would it have mattered?

E.J.M.
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
So I Tried To help...To support...Whatever Way you chose
And now I'm crying because I never meant that much to you.
Fear of the fearless...
The beauty in you ,scared me...
I wanted to touch it..taste it..understand it... be a part of it for awhile..
That's what I got..
My fear was well founded..
Fear of the fearless...
That heartbreaking beauty and strength....
It scarred me...
Here I am... Loving you alone...
Here I am breaking....
Giving you up like you asked...
I am fearless as well...
Do not want me back once I'm gone..

E.J.M.
Apr 2016 · 173
catching feelings
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
Catching feelings....
I should have walked away at that moment.
But I stayed... and when I tried to let you go... you told me no
Catching feelings with all this in between between us...
I'm left wondering where our in  between went?
No words from you since Sunday?
Here I'm caught up in the feelings that I caught... for you... feeling stupid.
Tomorrow,  what to say when I see you?
Maybe say nothing at all...
I got my wish... now I want more..
I caught feelings... with our in between...
Guess you lost your feelings,  maybe let them go...

E.J.M.
Apr 2016 · 206
crying...
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
I'm not a cryer...
Much worse has happened in my life...
Yet here I am crying over you..
I'm good...
Don't text me in the morning.
I have unrealistic expectations...
Excuse me... I mixed up lust with love...
You are beautiful and I am broken...
It's ok... you owe me nothing.
I'll be fine..
I'll be cold...
Don't worry about it.
It's just my heart.
That ***** can take a beating...
Sorry that I interfered in your life...
It won't happen again.
You've got me crying.
Some 28 year old strong, determined, beautiful you ....made me cry...
I'm harder than that... harder than this..
maybe I thought we had something.
Apparently we don't.
And who am I kidding?
This would never have worked.
But I'm still crying,  by myself,  to myself and part of me might be breaking for you...
you'll never know..
I'll just be gone...
I can't keep doing it...
just know it's all I wanted...
be happy.. because that's what love is.
you made a choice, and I can read between the lines.

E.J.M.
Apr 2016 · 236
crying
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
I'm not a cryer...
Much worse has happened in my life...
Yet here I am crying over you..
I'm good...
Don't text me in the morning.
I have unrealistic expectations...
Excuse me... I mixed up lust with love...
You are beautiful and I am broken...
It's ok... you owe me nothing.
I'll be fine..
I'll be cold...
Don't worry about it.
It's just my heart.
That ***** can take a beating...
Sorry that I interfered in your life...
It won't happen again.
You've got me crying.
Some 28 year old strong, determined, beautiful you made me cry...
I'm harder than that... harder than this..
maybe I thought we had something.
Apparently we don't.
And who am I kidding?
This would never have worked.
But I'm still crying,  by myself,  to myself and part of me might be breaking for you...
you'll never know..
I'll just be gone...
I can't keep doing it...
just know it's all I wanted...
be happy.. because that's what love is.
you made a choice, and I can read between the lines.

E.J.M.
Apr 2016 · 209
unquestionably strong
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
You are amazing and beautiful...
This fighter... this strong, hard gorgeous man...
Trying to survive....
So fearless in your perseverance...
I'm in awe of who you are...
All that fight made me love you..
Just snuck in and hit me.
Loving you scares me...
I'm hard and equally fearless...
But am in danger of loving you...
We could be amazing....
You already are...

E.J.M.
Apr 2016 · 187
fear the fearless
ejrmaguire Apr 2016
That moment when you want something so badly but are not sure of the best way to proceed..
Fear of the fearless...
One wrong word and it's gone..
Out of reach, barely breathing..
Which way to go?
Be yourself and roll the dice?
Be yourself with kid gloves...
Trying to Gauge the situation.
Loving the opportunity to know him...
Being afraid that he won't let you...
This means a lot to me...
I'm scared of this moment...
I held him and wanted it to last...
His world went upside down overnight....
And I'm trying to get it back...
So torn between my happiness and his...
Ultimately I want him happy...
There's the love part..
That's the part that snuck in and hit me in the face...
So I'll be me...
He doesn't want my help...
That's all that I have to offer...
I love you... which means I'll risk losing you...
fear of the fearless

E.J.M.
Mar 2016 · 206
mess
ejrmaguire Mar 2016
All these broken pieces....
I'm a mess...
I wish they would leave me alone.
I can heal by myself.
But they won't stop..
Everybody needs something...
And I keep caring about them.
What about me...
Who's caring about me while I'm trying to save the world one ****** up person at a time?
At the end of the day it's me with all my responsibility.
I'm a mess...
Is it any wonder why?
I can't carry everyone else.
Just me... and the responsibility.

E.J.M.
Mar 2016 · 304
davian
ejrmaguire Mar 2016
I love you not because of words...
I love you not because of your perfection...
I love the pieces that I see inside you that complete me.
I'm scared, I'm broken...
I have no reason to trust you...
Somehow I still love you...
I want these parts of you that we have together.
If we can take the broken pieces of you away... if you can undo what ****** has done...
Am I being hopeful?
Overly everything is perfect, with a unicorn and rainbow?
Is it really you that I love?
I saw something in you that I can't give up on...
We are a mess.. I'm pressing charges against you and we talk of it as if it's nothing...
You aren't mad and accept what you've done. .. now that you're sober...
Can you stay sober?
That's what scares me....
I love you when you're sober...

E.J.M.
Feb 2016 · 463
Loving an addict
ejrmaguire Feb 2016
I made a decision....
Not a good one. .. but mine to make. .
I fell in love with an addict. .
Someone that could never love me enough because there will always be ******...
I can make you smile. .
Hold you close. .
Kiss your face. ..
But I'll never get you out of this place. ..
All these plans we made. ..
Manatee kisses, arm licks,  t virus swapping. ...
Was it you?
Was it ever you? Those happy moments together?
How can you live in the dark?  
Shooting up In a bathroom?  Alone...
I wanted to save you. ..
You didn't tell me....
I didn't know it would hurt this way. ...
To save someone that would rather have a needle in their vein...
I never could give you that euphoricness..
I loved loving you....
Those good moments catch me up...
You said I saved you.... I never did
You've chosen that high over and over again. ..

E.J.M.
Jan 2016 · 221
I hesitate....
ejrmaguire Jan 2016
Be careful who who share your soul with.
This exchange of feeling may scar you for life. .
For every soul you expose yourself to...
You carry pieces with you...
They become a part of who you are...
Be hesitant...

E.J.M.
Jan 2016 · 184
letters to E...2
ejrmaguire Jan 2016
Silent memories scream the loudest...
Thoughts of you echo in my head...
Fluttering scraps of paper blown into the wind...
These are what we've made...
This is where we fall...
It's all exasperated....
To be one... but not all
Small splashes reverberate in the stillness...
The ripples expansion....
Each one larger than the next...
More subtle than the last...
We are all the small earth shattering moments...
The beauty between....

E.J.M.
Jan 2016 · 209
stealing
ejrmaguire Jan 2016
You came in softly....
Stealing in unexpectedly.
You got me to fall...
Two broken people.. needing each other to help mend the damage that others had done.
I fell hard for who I thought you were.
The you that spoke to my heart..
But then it changed...
You were stealing right from me as I handed you everything.
Behind closed doors you helped yourself to my stuff...
I meant so little...
What a shock to know that you were really good at stealing.
I'm done.
Take from someone else.

E.J.M.
Jan 2016 · 159
the need to be magical
ejrmaguire Jan 2016
I am not magical... although I try.
Some days I'm really quite human..
I break and I cry..
But I get back up and fight..
I may lay silently crying in bed at night thinking of the things that went wrong with us...
But I get up the next day and smile despite it all.
I can't afford to fall apart.
So I continue on.
I find the funness of life...
With or without you.
Knowing that you never cared anyway.
You risked our love for 3.33....
That's a slap in the face...
But there's no time to break..
I have to keep going even though this hurts me unbearably.
I just can't understand the lies and the deceit.
I can be magical through it all.
there's a need for that in this harsh world.

E.J.M.
Jan 2016 · 148
letters to E.. 1
ejrmaguire Jan 2016
I'm missing you today.  Who am I kidding?  I'm always missing you... it's a constant in my life. I'm not good at patience.  I never have been.  I try for you though.  For us. For the us that isn't really.  We are hitting our 3 year mark. Crazy to think that I've loved you this long. Just know that I always love you and think of you. I hope you do too.
I carry your heart in my heart.

E.J.M.
Jan 2016 · 163
absent spaces
ejrmaguire Jan 2016
there's the sadness of you. we will never be... My heart longs for you. yet you're unattainable. I feel we are running in circles this never ending love affair.. Some days it's worse than others. and I can't reach you and I want to. we have all these missed occasions and marked moments...
I'm lost here.  We are made of absent spaces.  This recurring heartbreaking breaks me.

E.J.M.
Jan 2016 · 199
saving grace
ejrmaguire Jan 2016
You were the only person I've never tried to save...
That says a lot about you and a lot about me...
We've NEVER Been us...
We've never been free to be anything more than what we are.
I've never wanted to save you...
You can do that yourself...
Just maybe I'm waiting for you to save me.
Or we can save each other.
You taught me that a relationship is two people bettering ourselves.
I believe you.
I'm waiting for us to better ourselves.  
For us to get away and  be us.
To have a shot, one chance.  
That's it... our saving grace

E.J.M.
Dec 2015 · 157
absence
ejrmaguire Dec 2015
There is this hollow space beneath my breast bone where you use to be...
The absence of you is a void....
I miss you no less today than I did 2 years ago... or every time you went away...
The absence of you doesn't really cause me pain...
There are just days where I wonder how you are?
When I think of you more...
When I feel the absence of you in my soul...
I wonder if it ever goes away?
I feel branded by our love...
Like a tattoo of what we were... left over scarring in your absence. ..
It reminds me of your heart...
Beating next to mine...
That's no longer there...
just this unfilled void where our love went....

E.J.M.
Dec 2015 · 715
wrong
ejrmaguire Dec 2015
It was wrong to touch you...
It was wrong to love you...
It was wrong to miss you...
Wrong to call you..
Wrong to tell you that I'll never love another...
Wrong to make you mine....
Wrong to see you...
Wrong to want you...
Wrong to ache to be with you. ..
Yet I can't stop...
But I have....
And I still want all of these wrong things. ..
I still feel all these wrong things about you...
How could we ever be right?
Encompassed in all the wrong things?
Let me know when it gets right for us....
I'm overwhelmed with the wrong....
and then I hear your voice....

E.J.M.
Dec 2015 · 149
reality
ejrmaguire Dec 2015
The reality of us is that we are going different directions to accomplish the same life....
We live separately but love jointly. ..
I'd like to believe that we loved for a reason.
I'd like to believe that one day we have a real chance at love with ourselves.
I don't know if that is a reality for us...
One day I'll see you again and will love you the same...
But I hope for a different outcome.
I miss your face...
And I carry your heart in my heart...
Until reality sets in....
E.J.M.
Dec 2015 · 205
unspoken
ejrmaguire Dec 2015
I still look for you...
Even though I know you aren't there...
It's over... but it's not
we were the wrong time....
or not enough.
There isn't a heart wrenching loss...
just the subtle ache as i drive past our place.
Maybe one day you will love me...
there's always the maybes..
I can't write and I can't call...
can't speak a word...
but then what would I say?
I leave us unspoken....
But always know that I miss you....
in the dull voided aching way that one does in a helpless love...

E.J.M
Nov 2015 · 227
damaged pieces
ejrmaguire Nov 2015
I may not be ready. .
More fragile than I thought....
More broken pieces to mend...
I let him do more damage
Than I knew..
I don't want to be hurt. ..
I'm scared of giving you these pieces of me and trusting you to care for them..
So many times I've been broken and put them all back...
I'm sharing them with you. ..
and praying that you will be fragile with me...
I'm so very scared of this vulnerability. ..
I'm prepared to do this though... to take the chance on you. ..

E.J.M.
Oct 2015 · 141
the inside
ejrmaguire Oct 2015
This isn't about material...
It's about the inside..
I like your heart...
I like the courage I see in you..
the goodness in your eyes...
the strength there...
for what you've overcome...
it makes me smile to see that...
the heart of you...
that tough yet fragile part...
and I know that you can make it...
because it's who I believe that you are...

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 190
acceptance
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
Be careful what you accept in love...
It may shape the entire affair
There is no Changing once it's the habit...
Don't take less and then expect more....
Acceptance may change how you feel...

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 134
broken
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
These broken pieces of what we were...
What we tried to be...
Together..
This is a failure somehow...
I can't fix us... and I no longer want to
I feel all broken inside and missing the thought of the love we had...
I never wanted us to get ugly...
The paints worn off and we are broken...
I still care and that makes it being over. So much worse
I can be broken alone

E. J.M .
Sep 2015 · 603
connection
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
And we connect...
And we separate...
You come come back and I dissipate
Loving you is this ache...
This pretty little box with no hinges
I can't open it and I can't separate
This connection is killing me

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 187
missing you
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
I sit here missing you..
So very much
Wishing I could change things.  
But I can't
All I can I do is miss you while my heart breaks

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 183
souls
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
That look...
This relationship that has gone on for years...
The other half of me...
our souls meet...
And I finally recognized that in you...
This draw of the deepest parts of who you are combined with me...
Our souls ... and I'll love you always...
In this way
My soulmate...
My soul met years ago and never realized the beauty of you

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 159
worries about change
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
I want to remember you like this....
In the filtering light... flickering through the trees...
That perfect smile and your eyes lighting up to my face..
Things change. ..
Over years I have loved you in this spot...
In this light...
My fondest memory is you standing here...
Whatever changes life may bring....
Whatever happens to us...
I remember you here in this flickering light...
Smiling for me

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 230
unsettled
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
You've got me unsettled with this talk of change...
As much as I love you I'm afraid you're jumping ship for the wrong reasons. ..
I want you to leave because you love you..
Not for me...
Not for her...
For you...
Because you have been unhappy in this life...
I'm unsettled...
I only want what's best for you. ..

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 158
finding this hurts
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
So I realized that I love you..
Finding this hurts.  
So much to say...
Yet nothing can be done..
I love you and realized I always have...
And you are there... and I am here...
So far apart..
And I'm not sure you feel the same..
Finding this hurts because I don't want to change us.  
But I do...
I want to know you like a lover would...
I want to know you intimately...
I can't breach our boundaries....
Finding this hurts...
I miss you so badly..  I'm achingly aware of the loss of you...

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 146
the chance
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
It isn't about the outcome...
It's about the time in between. .
I love you so much and always have..
To bridge that distance..
I'm so afraid of saying how I feel about you to you..
I haven't stopped thinking of you yet...
I wonder what your doing now that I've left...
And I'm counting days to November. .
I just want to see you again alone.. without all this space
I want to take the chance to know you differently...
I want that chance more than anything. ..
I hope I get this chance to love you more..
no matter the outcome

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 227
8 minutes more
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
I'm lost in the relevance of you...
Of holding you in the dark.. Tracing little circles...
Of waking up to your coffee... as
I sat on your couch and we watched the news... my head against your shoulders
I realized that I've always loved you in this way... a shocking epiphany...
To love someone for 20 years and never have them... to never know that's what this was...
And now I know... I can do nothing about it...
You are there and I am here... so far away
There's so much space between us..
I sat there staring at your face and realized that I've loved you from that very first time I met you...
As I sobbed on the plane last night... leaving you and the knowledge that you are the one that I'll never have....
And all I want is a different life with you... waking up next to you with 8 more minutes to sleep...
Feeling you holding your breath as I run my fingers across your chest in the cool blackness....
I'm burning these moments in my most precious memories....
Wanting you to call and say " please come back to Boston".....
I'm missing you so much already...

E.J.M.
Sep 2015 · 299
I more than love you
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
Love isn't strong enough a word to describe how I feel for you..
I love more than you.   I more than love you...
You calm that aching in my soul..
Quiet those demons in my life...
Just your words alone...
And days and years and months with out you.. time doesn't matter anymore with us...
Loving you is so much more than love...

E J.M.
Sep 2015 · 115
Love me longer
ejrmaguire Sep 2015
You say you never want to leave....
So don't

E.J.M.
Aug 2015 · 112
flowers
ejrmaguire Aug 2015
All my life I've been strong.  
Today I want to be treated like a flower...
I'm feeling fragile and I just want you to hold me..

E.J.M.
Aug 2015 · 155
crazy to be here
ejrmaguire Aug 2015
This is crazy....
To want you now...
After all this...
Scattered moments in my head...
Breathless kisses in a darkened room...
Crazy chances to take...
And I'm aware of all the risks..
we are here anyway....
maybe we shouldn't....
too late to turn back now...
the damage is done...
stolen kisses and wordless stares...

E.J M.
Aug 2015 · 132
never done.
ejrmaguire Aug 2015
I've never been undone...
Until you...
And we've never been done....
Because of you...
I never thought I'd come undone....
Because you love her

E.J.M.
Aug 2015 · 115
I don't know what you need
ejrmaguire Aug 2015
I'm already gone....
You see me and beg me to stay...
I've never said I was leaving.....
I don't know what you need anymore....
We hang in this abyss....
We keep coming back...
After passing days turn into passing years...
We're still here...
Just like this...
And I could never love you less...
I've never been held so tight before. ..
And none of it matters..
Because I'm already gone...
And I no longer know what you need...

E J.M.
Aug 2015 · 107
lost
ejrmaguire Aug 2015
Life changes are coming....
Yours never does...
Loving a lie and continually doing so....
You say you don't want to lose me...
I'm Already lost...
All the space I'll have now and you won't be around....
What's there to lose?
You want to keep me forever?
I'll love you always but things will change because you remain the same...
One day someone else will put me first as you are incapable of doing....
And I will be lost....
And you will be the same....living a lie and loving her....

E J.M.
Aug 2015 · 330
victim
ejrmaguire Aug 2015
I am not a victim....
I never have been...
How did I get here?
This unsafe place with you calling the shots?
I will not stay...
I will not be your victim...
I feel like Alice ... suddenly so small...
You tried to put me here...
I'll take the other pill...
Need to be larger than life to escape this shrinking room....
I will not be your victim. ..
No one can be victimless eventually...

E.J.M
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