I always wonder why it is
That seeing someone else's tears
Creates such awe in me.
I want to ease your pain
But I am also
Transfixed by it.

The mask slips
When people cry.
The seams rip
And all of a sudden parts of them
That are never meant to be seen
Writhe in the light,
Raw and agonized and
Beautiful
As hell.
I do mean that- hell.
It is both
Divine and perverse
To witness someone else's pain.
I always hold my breath
As if I could shatter their soul
Just with the knife's edge of my gaze.

When you cry
Most people politely look away
For their own comfort
And tug their disguises closer,
Check their pinnings
Reminded of their fragility
By the gauche display
Of yours.

When you cry
I
Freeze like a photograph
And I see you as a child
I see you as a god
I see you
As a rainstorm reaching its fingers across
All the ugly concrete and glass we build
And getting inside
Underneath
To make the trees bloom.
When you cry
I see you like I see a painting
Hung in a museum so quiet you want to hush your heartbeat
Just to keep the stillness electric.
When you cry
You are so bright that when I glance at you
And look away
I am blind for a moment.

There is something about seeing that loss of control in another person
That one second of utter truth
The brutal, consuming honesty that comes with tears
That reaches inside, for those who dare let it,
And wounds exquisitely.
There is a bare second
When the part of them that recoils from the light
Clasps shriveled hands with the answering piece of you
And both hurt-
To see and to be seen
But that moment
Reminds you that you are alive
And
Why.

I fell in love with you all over again in a hospital waiting room

I fell in love with the deep purple under your eyes
like delicate bruising

I fell in love with the paleness of your lips
from lack of nutrients

I fell in love with the way you moved slowly
and achingly wrapped in a white blanket the color of your skin

I fell in love with the deep crimson of your blood
as it ran through your IV

I fell in love with you again as I laid with you in the hospital bed at 3 am

we’d been there for 10 hours
and you had a little too much morphine in your system
and a lack of sleep
when you pulled me close and said

“I could really see myself marrying you some day”

and that was right before you kissed me with your dye stained lips
so they could see your insides better on the x-ray

I fell in love with you again when you looked at me with your
big hazel eyes that turn black around the edges

You said god had sent me from heaven
An angel to watch over you

I'm not too sure about that but what I do know is:

I Do

Jealousy

If I could be but a burning sun,
I'd scorch you with my wrath.
All your labour and all you loved
Would sizzle in my heat,
And turn into steam.

What I can't have,
Why should I let you keep?

If I was but an ocean blue,
I'd envelope you in my foam.
Grain by grain I'd wash away
The foundation of your home,
Claiming it for my own.

I need to breach your comfort
So I can have mine.

I need to pour onto you
Like torrential rain.
I need to chill you to the bone,
Like some haunted wind.
For you cannot, should not
Have that which I cannot reach.

You snatched it from under my nose,
And it kept screaming my name,
But you muffled its voice.
Your cruelty knows no end,
So now you'll taste mine
And I promise the pain won't fade.

I’m falling into that trap again. Suddenly, the balance isn’t equal anymore because my heart decided to love more, again. Just when I thought that what we had is scheme-free, that the love is shared, that I’m your base just like you’re mine.. everything changed. Now any move from you can shatter me. You took over every acre of my weak field, you took over me, and I became so fragile, so needy for you. And the more I grow attached to you, the more you grow to be independent from me. Am I selfish, for wanting to receive love just for the simple fact that I’m giving it? Am I giving my heart to you because I want your heart? Or is it a selfless love? But if it is a selfless love, then why am I aching? why am I hurting? why am I expecting? Does loving you, alone, make me good enough? Does it make me deserve to have your arms as my home? Is this real, or am I making it up? Are you aware of what I’m feeling? Why am I writing? So maybe you’d hear my screams? I don’t want you to hear, I want you to listen. I want you to listen carefully until you realize that I’m yours, even if you aren't mine. Listen carefully, until you feel my love so maybe it’d awaken a flame for me in your cold heart.

my pages are shaking like
timid dry leaves on
a brisk Autumn morning
I am a book heavy
with unspoken words
piled beneath countless others
a couple stains and a weak spine
it's hard to hold all the stories together
sometimes I'll find a page out of order
that someone's ripped out and
rearranged
The stories are getting shorter and shorter
losing pages throughout and

What fascinates me about stars,
is that they are born from explosions
and built from collapsed particles.
I like to think that people are like that as well.
So whenever you feel like everything
is getting a little too much
and you are about to give up and explode,
don't be afraid to collapse.
Let yourself crumble.
This is not your destruction,
it is your birth
it is your time to shine.

(I) You are the aching addiction
that's raging through
and destroying
my body.
My veins explode at the thought
of you; you're a drug.
I want you.
I need you.

(II) The cold sweats that'll keep me awake;
the blissful thoughts of you make me shake.
Dear, you don't understand what's at stake,
but I can't stop craving you, for my sake.

(III) The risks are high
with you, and so am I.
You're my personal brand of
every drug I'd ever need:
my ******,
my *******,
my everything.
Oh, darling,
don't you understand
the
risks?

(IV) Relief...

Oh beautiful, terrible relief.
You craves me just as I
craved you;
you provided me with temporary
satisfaction.

My drug, my personal brand.
You're dangerous and
you're lovely;
you're slowly killing me and providing
pure ecstasy.

In my state of nirvana,
I will never know that
I've done wrong.
I will never understand that
you're my addiction

and my relief.

Sweet, sweet relief.

(V) My high is gone,
and so are you.

Where did you go?

I know the craving will come back;
God, why did I have to do this?

Where did you go?

I'll lie awake: shaking, begging for your return,
for the deadly happiness that I miss so much.

Where did you go?

The demons inside shriek for you;
my blood barely flows from the lack of you.

Where did you go?

My poison, my drug,
please come back and cure my cravings again?

Where did you go?