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Emma Nov 2016
I haven't logged into my Hello Poetry account in so long and wow...
I am so sad at what I'm seeing. I cannot believe that there was a time in my life where I hated everything. It amazes me that I'm still alive, after reading these forgotten memories, they bring me so much pain. Today I'm in a very different space and I can't thank you guys enough for all the kind comments you left on my worst nights. As I'm reading these entries, I remember all the hatred and darkness that fueled me. I feel the tears and the ache and I feel it all so intensely..

But I also feel the light now. I still have those days where I fall but these days I know how to pick myself up. I hope to anyone who is or was in my situation, I hope you all feel the same strength I do now. My sickness didn't **** me, I am alive and everyday I fight.

Everyday I'm surviving.
I hope you all continue to fight with me.
Mar 2016 · 438
Scatterbrained
Emma Mar 2016
The shackles of your evil never let me breathe

And so I drowned, I didn't fight the fire, because that very same pain was my pleasure
It was you

Nothing seemed more comforting than the horror you brought me and nothing could bring me back from the fire that burned inside me but your drunk arms
And those very same arms that held me, hurt me
And those very same lips that caressed me, spoke to me in different tongues
And we were in ruins and disastrous, ***** and tainted by the lies our bodies whispered

And there was something you did to me, and now I'm looking for the pieces you ruined to fit again
Because the worst thing I ever did was let you come in and sloppily hide in my heart

And there's times like these I think of you, and of the girl I was then and it amazes me that I once thought the devil was an angel
I once thought you were my savior when all you did was condemn me to this small hell

And even with you completely banned from my soul
You still linger
You still punish my heart from being pure
And know that I will never forget what you did
But the worst part of it all
Is now my future won't either
I'm in this beautiful new relationship and it tears me apart knowing that my lover is tainted by my past. I'm trying to trust again and be free, but it's not easy when you once danced with the devil.
Dec 2015 · 332
Home
Emma Dec 2015
I am smiling, even when the pain I once felt keeps on knocking..

It feels good knowing, I won't open the door

No trespassers welcome here
Dec 2015 · 188
Celebration
Emma Dec 2015
Everything changed and **** it feels **** good.
May 2015 · 164
Just a thought
Emma May 2015
Funny how reflections change
Nov 2014 · 264
Streaks
Emma Nov 2014
my tears are poetry
Nov 2014 · 389
Long Distance
Emma Nov 2014
I think of you no longer being by my side and honestly, it scares the **** out of me. I have loved you for so long now and have given you so much of me, but I don't think I even want it back. Keep it, keep me. We have been through hell and back and then heaven in between. It seems to me that I could have you for the rest of my days and I'd still love every single flaw, every single demon you possess and all of your beautiful traits. You have latched me into the security of your arms and now I don't want to let go. It tears me apart thinking of you in the arms of another, of someone else thinking of you the way I do. I know it can happen, it happened to me. I don't want that for us because I STILL want us. I need you and love you. I need you only because you're my blanket, you warm me when I'm my coldest. I need you because you gave me hope at my darkest and I need you because everything wrong about me seems right when you're here.  What I need is the way you listen to me when I'm ranting about useless problems, what I need is the way you protect me when I'm a drunk fool. What I need and what I just want is you to still love me. I want you to want me as much as I want you. I hope you do- I don't know whether or not to give up or continue trying- just lessen the storm in my head and let me know we're ok and always will be. We have our whole lives ahead of us and there's millions we haven't laid eyes on but for right now I'm happy with keeping my own locked on you. And sometimes I don't really know how you feel, but I know how I do. If it's not enough me just loving you and wanting to keep this continuing on, then know that it doesn't matter. You could push me and shove me out of every open door that leads to you and I'll still try and kick them down. I want you right now, later and in times when I didn't even know you. I love when your hands are on me, exploring and exciting. I love when you kiss along my neck and I can feel your breathing. It lets me know that this right here is real, and you are real. That these feelings are have are not just made up or copying the fairytale stories we all know, but that these are my own. My own emotions growing and tightening at the sight of you; the thought of you. I have so many stories I haven't told you and so many fears you still don't know. I want to recite every poem I know by heart and have you watch me as I undress. Undress my clothing, my masks, my skin. I want you to see me and think you are so lucky to have someone as crazy and needy as I am. And I know it's a hard task. To love someone like me but if you're willing to, I can love you just as deeply. It's like you have awakened something in me that had died long ago. I can do absolutely nothing with you there and still have the time of my life. I can tell that whatever piece that had slipped away from me before is trying to emerge again. It's because of you that I can feel it. And I may be just some girl typing and hitting the keyboard with hurried hands and racing thoughts but it's when I'm thinking of you that I feel this way. I may not be the most beautiful thing to ever touch you or the sweetest person you've ever tasted but I want to be and even if it means only for awhile then I'm still willing to give myself to you every time I can, at any moment. If you're willing to accept that then you can have it. I'm not ready to let go regardless of all these changes, I'm just ******* not. So I will fight for you everyday until it's no longer a prize that I get to see you or hold you in my arms. Can you love me the way I do you? Because even if that answer is no, I'm sorry baby but I'm not going away that easily. I consider you my first real love because you have taught and brought so many new things that the ones before couldn't. I have you now, and if now is all I have then you should know that now is what I'm holding on to. I'll hold on until you have to pry my fingers off of your presence, until you have to scream at me to go away. I will yearn for you until every last piece of honey you have is ****** dry. I will cry and I will be a pain in the *** even if you don't want me. Even if you're not even mine. I don't know what this is or how it's ending or if it already has but let me tell you something, I want you to hear these words even though you're not besides me.. I am in ******* in love with you and I don't care about distance, or time, or silly little boys or silly little girls who will be prancing around. I love you and that's that. So until the the day comes when I no longer have anything left in me, I hope you understand that I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere and I just hope that you take something from this, that you believe these words and that you feel the same.
I love you
I love you
I love you
Oct 2014 · 469
Happy Birthday
Emma Oct 2014
candles burning, love dying
Sep 2014 · 280
sad
Emma Sep 2014
sad
I guess I cling a little tighter because everything that has ever meant the most to me has suddenly dissapeared
and I'm sorry if i'm always around, making my presence known
but I'd rather keep reminding you
that I'm here, waiting, watching and wanting to be adored every second

I'm sorry if it's too much
but all I want is to be held
Jun 2014 · 271
Drinks
Emma Jun 2014
It's all fun and games until you can't stop
and i'm starting to believe that you can't.

I love you, still through it all
but sometimes it seems as if you
don't love me at all

because the hunger always wins
Jun 2014 · 401
Smoke
Emma Jun 2014
So before you say you love me,

Let me say I smoke way too many cigarettes and i'd rather watch the ashes burn then to see you fade away.
Jun 2014 · 232
9 months
Emma Jun 2014
After all this time
&
here I am today
literally throwing up
everything
I worked so *******

Guess the urge never went away

I am not recovered
I never really fooled myself anyways that I was better.
May 2014 · 210
6 Months
Emma May 2014
I love you


but

I'm not enough
Mar 2014 · 439
Drunk
Emma Mar 2014
And with every beer I drank

I

Fell
More
in love

With

You
Mar 2014 · 223
Art
Emma Mar 2014
Art
I only hope that I can be viewed in this museum of love as well, because you are beauty and I want to always be alongside you
Mar 2014 · 217
Lost in Love
Emma Mar 2014
And when you
Are not around
My dear love
I don't know
Who
I
Am
Jan 2014 · 599
Untitled
Emma Jan 2014
You're such an optimist and that tears me apart because you don't view the world as I do. You don't feel the pain I feel or the sorrow that fills my bones when I'm not in your arms. You don't suddenly cry because the end for us is near and I'm counting the days. You don't fear the emptiness like I do because I've lived it and I don't ever want to fall back into the hole of melancholy. I am scared of what's going to happen to me when you leave and I'm alone at 3 am without you near. When I'm terribly lost and looking for pain. I am scared to be without you.  So when you're 6,000 miles away and forgetting all about the drunken nights and silly laughs we shared. Or the mornings spent in bed making love for hours at end. Or the afternoons where cigarettes and coffee filled our lovely silence. Or when you're looking into the eyes of the beautiful new girl who'll steal your heart and change your whole view on "love". When you simply forget to say that you'll always love me or miss me as much as I will always yearn for you.
Just remember I wasn't ready to be in love, but I still fell.  Oh dear love, I still fell.
*I am hopelessly and endearingly in love with this man.
Jan 2014 · 448
Stay
Emma Jan 2014
Please don't leave me, even though we know you have to
Dec 2013 · 449
foreign
Emma Dec 2013
it's so new to me

to feel this way
in such an unknown emotion..

*happy and free
Dec 2013 · 629
Help
Emma Dec 2013
I'm scared of my ownself
Emma Dec 2013
I'm a liar.
I've been pretending this whole time, and it's a shame that no one notices.
I am sad again, and terribly lost.
I hate eating. I hate being this, being me.
I want to go back to my support at the program, I want to leave this ugly real world
and go back.
I want daily meetings and supervision. I want to feel special and important
I want to be happy.
and I'm just not.
No one notices;
not my boyfriend who's been out all night partying with his friends.
not my bestfriend who just left to Cabo.
not my mom who hasn't spoken to me in days.
not my ownself who's going ******* insane.
I need someone, anybody, everybody.
I'm alone and I hate it.
I hate every ******* thing.

**is it too much to want to be loved?
Dec 2013 · 681
Walls
Emma Dec 2013
You said "I love you."

And I think you should know, my dear love
that
I've completely fallen down
Nov 2013 · 414
Untitled
Emma Nov 2013
It's as if you have seen my soul
And still adored what you saw
As if you witnessed me at my worst
And still wanted to hold me tightly within your clutch

*please don't set me free, I'll wither away
Nov 2013 · 694
Rays
Emma Nov 2013
Be my light, my own bright sun

Shine upon me

And warm my chilled skin


*You've already burned me my love
Nov 2013 · 1.1k
I'm losing
Emma Nov 2013
Everyone I've only been home for about 4 weeks and already I feel myself failing.
I am trying everyday, I try and I try. But I feel my will slowly fading
It's different  being back here where I have no support meetings and daily check ups
It's different, and I ******* hate this all of it
I want to give up but I know, I know I just can't
Not for anyone else, but for myself.

I miss me.
I miss Emma, and I'm scared that she'll never come back. That she'll never be the same

Today I ate a slice of pizza, some granola, and filled up on water. Even then I wanted to *****. I wanted to let it all go, the pain, the suffering, the fear.
I don't want to be so negative but it's a ******* disease, bulimia is one hell of a sickness. One that I might just rot away in

*I want to be held and loved. I want to be happy and free. I want my life back everyone
rant
Oct 2013 · 671
3 more hours
Emma Oct 2013
and I'll finally be discharged!
I'll finally be on my way back home.

I'll finally be able to show I can do this.
I'm really excited, but also very anxious! It's bittersweet, my departure.
Emma Oct 2013
It has come to the end of my program everybody, Saturday will be the three month mark!
I am finally going home, to my mother, my friends, my old life. finally going home back to where it all began.

I'm going back to my old life. no more daily meetings or special routines, no more smoking areas or 30 minutes of being watched after I eat. no more non-usage of sharp objects or everything else they consider harmful.
saddest thing they cannot take is my fingers or mind. my hands or insecurities
I am so afraid I'll slip. I don't want to end up back where I was
but I'm hoping for the best and believing in myself for once.

I have a disease. Bulimia is my sickness and self-mutilation is my crutch
I've always been so ******* myself, always got into some new addiction or harmful habits.
but this just had to be the worse of all
everyday I carved at my body, leaving little memories
everyday I threw up my insides, wanting to be beautiful
Every **** day
I hated myself.
but I'm better.
it's not much, but I am.
I'm ready for my old life .
I'm scared as ****, but I know this time it'll be different
~

I have learned so much while being here, and I'm so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. It's been a battle against myself and I will never fully be recovered.
I didn't have any friends while out here or my mom, it's surprising that I only had my brother and hundreds of people I never knew to lean on.
I've been so lost and selfish for so long and I'm finally realizing that I do have people who care. I do have people that I just can't let down
and most importantly,
one of those persons
is
myself.
I want to be happy and I'm willing to try.
I want to be independent so that I can show everybody that I can do this and that I'm ready to move on.
It will most definitely be a struggle, my problems will never go away; however this time, I'm ready to try and be the old me.
I want to be the happy Emma, the smart Emma, the Emma that everyone used to love.
not this sad, sick girl who has taken over.
I will never fully be recovered, but I'm ready to let go and live.
I can do this, I know I can.
Emma can do this, I know she can.

*I will never fully be recovered, but I'm happy and ok.
and that's good enough
not a poem, just so exuberant I'm going home. It's been tough and I'll always have this disease but I've learned a lot these past couple of months and I'm ready.
Oct 2013 · 746
i want to give up
Emma Oct 2013
i'm so ******* sick of this
i want to give up
i want to slash at my skin
i want to blow my brains out and have you watch
i want to hang myself from the ******* front door
i want to lay in a bath of bleach
and scrub away with kitchen scissors
i want to bang my head over and over in the mirror
let the shards tear away at my face and **** me up
and throw myself off the stairs
and snap my ******* neck in two
i want to swallow all the ******* pills in the cabinet
and
rip out my hair
i want to slice my thighs and create a map
maybe then you'll find me
help
i'm a ******* disease and i'm beginning to consume my health
where the **** has my sanity gone
these thoughts are running rampant in my mind
and i can't ******* shut them up
SHUT THE **** UP!
LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE!
GET THE **** AWAY!

i'm sick of myself and
i
just
want to
*******
give up
Oct 2013 · 992
Drugs
Emma Oct 2013
break me up like your precious drug
inhale me,
snort me
get ******-up off me

*i want
to be the
addiction in
your
life
Oct 2013 · 405
fix me
Emma Oct 2013
you write of love
and
i write of sadness

two worlds i hope can collide

*i want your love to bury this sadness
Sep 2013 · 639
I don't know
Emma Sep 2013
I thought we were something real
I thought you would be the one
and
I though you said I was safe?

yet,
I'm laying here all alone
while my demons attack me relentlessly

while my scarred skin is bleeding once more and aching with pain

while I'm grasping at my body so I don't fall apart.
I need you and you never needed me
and
I'm sorry
I'm sorry for not being good enough
I'm sorry for my scars
I'm sorry
I really don't know about this. It's 2:52 am and I'm just writing.
Sep 2013 · 322
In the end
Emma Sep 2013
I finally gave you what you wanted,
I gave you me.

and like I knew in the beginning,
and discovered in the end
lost, sad little me
wasn't worth it
Sep 2013 · 395
Untitled
Emma Sep 2013
what else is left besides my shattered bones and bruised skin?
besides my re-opened scars and bloodied fingernails
i am nothing more
but
a
wound

and
i'm
starting to bleed all over again
Sep 2013 · 411
hope
Emma Sep 2013
I looked
in
the
mirror
&
smiled
Sep 2013 · 507
the cold is my cover
Emma Sep 2013
winter is my favorite season

i get to wrap myself in coats and scarfs

beanies and gloves

it's the best time of year;
the only time
no one asks
why i'm "always covered up"

winter is my favorite season

because
i
get
to
hide
myself
away
Sep 2013 · 443
transformation
Emma Sep 2013
even when i change, everything is the same
Sep 2013 · 703
Somedays
Emma Sep 2013
It seems as if everyday I struggle to love myself. It goes beyond the normal, everyday insecurities; it feels as if I need to hurt myself, to tear away this ugliness and hurt.*

I look in mirrors and hate the reflection I see. I want to shatter and break away this distorted image staring back at me. I can’t look at myself without sadness and hate creeping into my lungs, without breathing so shakily because I’m trying to hold back my anger and disgust. I can’t look people in  the eyes, it would be so easily for them to see the scarred and overly-large eyed lost girl that I am. Somedays I don’t know who I am at times other than an ugly girl with no hope.

Somedays, I feel okay. I feel as if I can get through the day with a bit of pride, and other days-like today- I want to ******* scream and claw and away at the loathing I feel inside.

                         *
Somedays, I just want to be beautiful and loved
Sep 2013 · 1.1k
cigarette
Emma Sep 2013
you've faded away like the ashes
and whirled about in the air
like the
smoke
that
escapes
my
mouth
Sep 2013 · 442
Addiction
Emma Sep 2013
I always relapse
in your arms
Sep 2013 · 626
concealer
Emma Sep 2013
I hide so well behind this face full of cake
they don't even realize this smile is painted on, being held in place by my blood red lipstick

the blush on my skin is perfectly placed, it is as fake as my laughter
something dead cannot react

this precisely drawn liner that accentuates my wide-eyed innocence is similar to the fresh scars that line my wrist and thighs

the foundation i use every day is starting to crack
and girls,
we all know how much
we hate cheap
*concealer
Sep 2013 · 632
hopeless
Emma Sep 2013
they don't see what they've done to me
ripped apart my positivity, broke my spirit

i am a lost girl with no hope

and
i
*******
blame
each
and
everyone
of
you
not anything great, just so torn over how my family treats me.
i'm doing things for myself that they never could, yet they still tear me down.
i don't get it. i want to be loved every now and then as well
Sep 2013 · 1.1k
Late Night Snacks
Emma Sep 2013
10 pills down,
1
overdose to
go
Sep 2013 · 322
Insomniac
Emma Sep 2013
always awake,
and the sad truth is
all i want
is to
sleep
so
i
can
see you
in my
dreams

because

my dreams
are
the
only place
i
am with
you
Sep 2013 · 1.7k
Maybe
Emma Sep 2013
Maybe I'm not really like you
Maybe I'm not good enough
Maybe I'm not "tough" enough
or
crazy enough
Maybe I'm never what you really wanted
Maybe I was a lie
Maybe I was...

Maybe you're not really like me
Maybe you're not good enough
Maybe you're not "tough" enough
or
crazy enough
Maybe you're never what I really wanted
Maybe you were a lie
Maybe you were...


Maybe..
oh the possibilities
of
a
simple
"maybe"
I'll never know the truth of an almost lover.
Sep 2013 · 2.8k
Punk Rock
Emma Sep 2013
I sit here and let this Punk Rock fill my mind
it's like a sweet drug, just so ******* kind

Madness and violence then swirls the room
that's ******* it, get ready for doom

I'm so angry and I need a release
this violent girl has broken her leash

You created this beast, you little ****
I am no longer that little runt

I'm ready for destruction tonight
You better hide, cause my mind's not right

I want to pit and smash your head
*******, ******* I wish you were dead

I'll connect my steel toes with your face
be ready, this isn't delicate lace

I hate you and want you to hurt
Your the ******* bottom, nothing but dirt

The dirt I stomp on and kick around
This Punk Rock is the most loveliest of sound

I'll rage and swing my fists about
I'll knock you straight the **** out

I hate you and want you to bleed
*******
cause
Punk Rock
is
all
I
need
Listening to my proud collection of punk records and I'm so full of destructive energy.
PUNK IS NOT DEAD
Sep 2013 · 657
I want to be
Emma Sep 2013
I want to be pretty and sweet
soft spoken and happy

but
I
am
just

scarred and sour
violent and loud

sad and alone
negative and angry

lost and fearful
introverted and shy

I want to be sweet
but
first
I
need
to
be


h
   a
p
   p
      y
and I will be happy. because I'm just an angry girl with a lot of love
Sep 2013 · 838
Nights like this
Emma Sep 2013
It's nights like this I wish you were here

and it's times like this I wish you were still breathing

because I'm drowning in this deep abyss

suffocating and screaming while under the tide

I need you to pull me out and save me from this unknown sea

these creatures are terrifying and grabbing for me

I want to love and be so brave

but without you here; I'm lost and unlovable

It's nights like this I wish you were here

and it's times like this I wish you were still breathing

because I'm drowning without you

my dear love
This is just so unorganized and not really clever. I'm just sad and alone and missing my hero.
Sep 2013 · 254
turn away and there you are
Emma Sep 2013
maybe if i pretend you don't exist
i can find a way to move on

but
how do i move on
when you're everywhere i want too be
Sep 2013 · 348
For Sale
Emma Sep 2013
where do i go from here
now that you're gone

where do i stay
now that you've moved on

i have no home
because your arms were my shelter

and
you have moved away

away to some new beautiful place
Sep 2013 · 1.2k
Freakshow
Emma Sep 2013
Spotlight is on me.. yet again
I am the main attraction; the one they all came to see
The one they laugh at. The one they joke about
As long as I've remembered, I've always been the "ugly" one, the "awkward" one
A freak
and I'm starting to believe these controversial jokes
I am a clown
and they all seem to laugh at my downfalls
but

**Whoever said I wanted to be in this circus?
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