ever since the first day i met you
all you've ever wanted
is just a cup of orange juice
nothing else
just that
and to me, that made you unique
different from everyone else
i won't forget the day i met you
the day i first heard your voice
the waiter asked your order and all you said was,
"Just a cup of orange juice, please."
i didn't get it -
i mean, why would anyone go to a restaurant
just for a cup of orange juice?
but you did it
as some sort of exploration
as some sort of research of cafes and restaurants
i thought that was pretty crazy when you first told me
but now i live to hear you ask me for orange juice
i love when you come home late at night
exhausted and you say,
"baby, get me a cup of orange juice please."
if you don't ask me for a cup of orange juice
i'll know for sure that something's wrong
because my baby, doesn't go a day without an orange juice. //

my addiction to you was getting worst
but you weren't around to see it ..
i couldn't eat, sleep or even function any at all
because of you
because i need my drug
i need you ..
i figured i needed to go to a class
you know
for addicts
i mean, you counted as an addiction, right?
you had to
because you caused sleepless nights
you caused frustration
you caused my addiction..
hi, my name is anonymous, and i'm a you addict..
is that what i was to say at the class?
i don't know how to describe my addiction for you
because it isn't normal
it isn't healthy
no addiction can be healthy
but you were one of the worst types ..
i would call your phone everyday and every night
(even though you never answered)
i called just to hear your voice
because i knew you would let it go to voice mail
you wouldn't disconnect your phone
because you're too important to people
but don't you see how important you are to me?
don't i matter too?
you just left me to fend for myself
and you knew how weak i was
you knew that my strength was gone
but you didn't care
and you made that obvious
well i'm sorry
for wanting you
in my life. //

As you stood
in front of me,
while I admired
the beauty
of the night sky.
I then realized
that the true beauty
I was admiring,
was you. //

          04.03.15
                -          Poet
                            (db)

Your lips
never quite
tasted like poison,
they seemed more like alcohol,
and I didn't know
kissing them
would be dangerous,
until I died. //

               03.23.15
                     -          Poet
                                 (db)

He touches you in all the wrong places,
"Dad, stop," you tend to utter,
but quickly after, he shoves another dollar bill into your mouth.
He says nothing, just stares.
Tears form in your eyes,
but you hold them back.
You convince yourself that you're stronger than that,
you're stronger than the tears.
But darling,
what monster convinced you that crying meant weakness?
Who dared to tell you that if you cried,
it meant you were weak?
"Go buy yourself something pretty," is all he mutters,
and you walk away like nothing even happened.

You throw yourself onto the bed,
shove your face into your pillow and lose yourself.
You don't even know who you are anymore,
he's destroying you.
You wonder why no one notices the sadness in your eyes,
or the lack of your beautiful smiles.
You put on a mask,
you try to hide it for as long as you can.

"Dad, stop."
Dollar bill.

Five years.  
Five. Years.
That’s how long it takes you,
to finally let someone in.
That's how long it takes you,
to reveal the source of your pain.
To put a reason behind why you search for attention
in all the wrong places.

It feels like he stripped you of your identity,
but you're still you.
You are still beautiful,
you are still strong,
you are enough.

You are everything,
And so much more. //

his words are what kept her alive, they allowed her to feel comfort in the worst of times.
when he left, she then understood the meaning of the quote,
“you only miss someone/something when it’s gone.”
she never thought she would ever miss him,
because most of the time he was a complete ******* to her,
but she never thought of just how much she actually loved him.
she was in love with him, well,
with his words (something she thought was impossible).
she never believed in love,
she went through too much heartbreak,
but ever since he entered her life with his sweet, luscious words
all she could think about was how much she loved him.
she never told her friends about him, well she had no friends,
so who would she even tell?
she had no one to talk to and tell her secrets to;
over a period of time, he became that person.
she eventually gained the courage to tell some acquaintances about him,
but all they did was hate and tell her that he didn't love her
because he could never love someone like her.
‘someone like her’ what was that supposed to mean?
(she knew exactly what it meant).
it meant that he could not love a girl as ugly, boring and fat as she was.
but that was her opinion of herself, along with some other ignorant *******.
however, he never saw of her as any of that.
he saw her as a perfect, beautiful princess
who only deserved the right guy to come into her life and love her.
he was determined to be that guy for her,
he never wanted her to feel unimportant when around him
and he ensured that she felt protected at all times.
he knew what it felt like to be ill-treated and to feel out of place
and he vowed to himself that he would never make someone feel that way.
he promised to always be there for her (whether needed or not).
every night she stared at her ceiling,
asking herself whether she truly loved this guy or if this was infatuation.
‘it’s probably infatuation,’ she said to herself.
she never believed in love, and she didn't want to start now,
but somehow she couldn't help it.
there was something different about this guy,
he wasn't like everyone else, he was like no one she had ever met in her life.
but just because he’s so different,
doesn't mean that he can introduce her to love and make her believe,
does it? (she didn't think so).
everyone saw them and all they did was criticize them
about how they were not a match because he was the hot **** and she was the fat nerd.
he didn't seem to care, but she couldn't help it.
every night she prayed to a god she never thought existed
and asked him to help her get over this guy.
she couldn't deal with all the additional criticism
and she couldn't deal with the trust issues she struggled with.
throughout their entire time being together,
she couldn't find herself to fully trust him.
he was the hot guy that every girl wanted
and she was the nerd absolutely no one knew existed until now.
whenever a girl approached him and hugged him,
she would feel uneasy because she would wonder whether he would leave her for that girl.
no matter how many times he reassured her that he only loved her,
she couldn't find herself to truly believe him.
he’s not the type of guy who’s sweet.
the hot jocks are usually the jerks, not the loving, romantic ones,
but he’s different, he’s not a ****. but why would he fall for her?
she’s not even attractive. she’s nothing.
he’s everything. they aren't what would be seen as ‘fit for each other’.
he is a poet, not a very popular one, but his words are what keep her alive and they forever will. she hates the drunk who crashed into his car, killed him.
she wishes to hunt him down and cause him the excruciating pain he caused her,
but she knows it won’t be healthy.
it’s better for her to try to get over the fact that he (the love of her life) is dead.
and although that will be the most difficult thing she has ever done in her life,
she is glad his words are still alive and will continue to be to keep her intact with life. //

The first thing he said was,
"Sorry, I'm not usually the type to cry,
but I loved her, I still do, I always will, forever."

No one knew what to say or even what to do,
persons came and hugged him,
but it didn't make him feel any better,
their hugs weren't going to bring her back.

"She's the love of my life, absolutely no one
will ever be able to compare to her,
but now she's gone and I'm alone again.
She always knew what to say, or what to do,
but she's not here now, so what do I do?
Everyone offers me their condolences and
I appreciate that, but it doesn't help, it really doesn't.
All it does is remind me that she's gone,
that she's never returning, that my baby is gone."

They all knew that talking to him now wouldn't help,
so they just sat there and watched him cry.
They just sat there,
wishing they could bring her back,
but knowing that they can't.

"I don't mean to be such a crybaby,
but when you lose the love of your life,
it's the worst day ever."

He walked away.

No one ever heard from him again.

He disappeared into thin air.

He didn't want to live a life without her.

So he lived a life dedicated to her. //

as I laid down, late at night
as the tears started
to flow right from my eyes
I remembered what it was like
when you would be by my side
I remembered what it was like
when you would wipe my tears away
and you'd say,
" baby, don't you cry,
    beautiful girls
       aren't allowed  to cry."
but I never listened
because I'm. not. beautiful.
so you weren't talking to me,
obviously.
and you were the reason why
I was crying anyway..
you don't know what it's like
to have your heart broken
into a million pieces
over and over again
until eventually
you feel like a corpse
in the world.
you feel like you don't
belong anywhere anymore.
you don't know what it's like
to feel as though
you've finally met the one
who'll stay by your side forever.
you don't know what it's like to think
that this person
who has entered your life
will bring the final puzzle piece
and put you back together.
but it'll take a while until you realize
that that person,
had a counterfeit.
the piece didn't fit perfectly
it was only an illusion
to fool you and it worked.
but you don't know
how that feels, do you?
well, I do
because that's all you've done to me.
I thought you were the one.
I thought I wouldn't have to
search for another guy.
but it seems as if
there might be no chance
of love for me.
or maybe I'm just too impatient
but how much longer
should I wait?
I've been waiting for what feels like
forever and I'm sick -
I'm sick and tired of waiting now.
I might as well give up
because I don't think
I'll ever truly get over you.
congratulations,
you've left your mark on me.
thank you,
for scarring me,
for life.

[June 2, 2014]

i figured i would share a joke with you
my life
it's obviously a joke
because everyone seems to judge so easily
and laugh about everything
so why not share what seems to be
the funniest joke ever known?
it's funny how every ******* thing i go through
is entertainment
is a joke
what if you were the one going through this?
i guess no one would laugh at you though
look at you,
you're beautiful
and i can't compare
but why judge me when you haven't even endured
at least half the pain i have?
are you aware of how ******* difficult it is for me to live?
because all i seem to be able to think about
is dying because my life is a joke
and maybe if i died
the joke would end
because that's all i really want
i want all of you to stop laughing
at all the pain
tribulations
and trials i endure
each and every day..
maybe, if you knew what i went through,
you would be more sympathetic..
but go on, enjoy the joke
because soon, the joke will be over. //

I've wondered over and over how to start this
How to transform this into a true representation of my feelings
But then I realized that there are no words
Which could be written or even spoken
To fully represent heartbreak..
Heartbreak comes in many ways
In different lives
But my heartbreak has been caused by one I love
I felt heartbreak because I’m not loved back
Not the way I want to anyway..
I can be pretty jealous
Just like any other female out there
But I get jealous over people who aren't mine
Jealousy is a *****, huh?
Just like karma in a way..
I've tried my hardest
And my best to explain how I feel for you
But I know it makes no difference
(so why do I even bother?)
They say you can’t help who you fall in love with
But I wish I could
Because I don’t want to be in love with you
I don’t want to be in love with someone who doesn't even
Love me
I don’t want to be in love with someone who can’t even realize it
When they hurt me..
“What did I do to deserve this?”
A question I tend to ask myself everyday
Why did I have to fall for you?
Wasn't I satisfied with just being friends?
(Guess not)
It’s sad that I try so hard to lose my feelings for you
And nothing works
I've even tried to stop talking to you
But that only makes me feel worse
And loneliness eats me alive..
I’m sorry, I’m talking too much
(Aren't I?)
No one truly understands how I feel
And I fear that no one ever will
I fear that I will have to live with these feelings
And that makes me cry..
That’s how I fall asleep you know, by crying
It’s the easiest way for me..
If I don’t, I struggle to fall asleep
Because the voices in my head try to keep me up..
I’m sick and tired of all of this.
Many times I just want to say, “I’m done”
But it’s not that easy, it’s not that easy to just give up
I've tried, many times
And that just shows how much of a failure I am
Disappointing really.. //

i don't understand
how is it so easy for you to get over me?
i thought you loved me
you lied
didn't you?
you fooled me
you pretended to be different
you pretended to care and love me
when you knew you only wanted to use me
why would you do that?
haven't i been hurt enough?
everyone in my life
who i tend to fall for
always hurt me
is it me?
it is,
isn't it?
i'm not worthy enough for anyone to truly love me
but in order for you to get what you need from me
you have to lie..
but you could have just told me the truth
but i guess you figured i'm used to being hurt
so it wouldn't be anything
right?
WRONG!
you actually made me fall for you
i fell for you harder than i fell for anyone else
and then you left
just like that
as if i meant absolutely nothing to you
but i guess i didn't
because then it wouldn't have been
so easy for you to leave me..
when will i find someone
who truly loves me?
when will i find
the one? //

everyone thought i was crazy
because i said all i need to feel alive
is your touch
but they didn't get your touch like i did
you didn't touch anyone else
like you touched me
and that's why no one would ever understand
your touch is my addiction
without it, i go crazy
i should be in an asylum
a mental institution
that's what they all say
but they can't treat me
they can't cure me
they won't be able to bring you back
and without your touch
i slowly go crazy
because i don't have my drug
i don't have what i'm addicted to
and there's no medication
for my addiction
because i'm not addicted to heroine
or *******
i'm addicted to you
and there is no cure
for such an addiction
because you're rare
and even though you're gone
you will always be
rare. //

If he really loved you,
he wouldn't be able to put his hand on your face.
Unless he was caressing you,
or wiping your tears away,
or holding you to kiss you.

If he really loved you,
he would try to understand why you got upset,
rather than try to come up with yet another excuse.

If he really loved you,
he would be willing to talk to you to solve problems,
rather than lock himself in the basement playing video games.

If he really loved you,
he would admit to all the wrong things he has done,
but instead, he blames you for everything.

If he really loved you,
the sight of you crying would put him in pain,
but evidently it doesn't phase him,
and that's why he walks further away each time a tear falls.

If he really loved you,
he would notice how much he has hurt you,
but he continuously adds to your pain each day.

If he really loved you,
He wouldn't constantly apologize and say he won't do it again,
then instantly do it as another problem arises.

If he really loved you,
he wouldn't have thrown you against the wall,
or pinned you down onto the floor to punch you.
He wouldn't take your phone each night  
to check on who you're texting.
He wouldn't allow you to cry yourself to sleep.
He wouldn't put a gun to your head,
or a knife to your throat.

If you really loved yourself,
you wouldn't allow him to treat you like that.
But no one ever taught you to love yourself,
only to love others.
No one ever told you how you deserved to be treated,

So you allow yourself to be thrown around.

You are not a ragdoll,

You are a princess.

So hold your head high,
fix your tiara,
and smile. //

you put on your best clothes,
your makeup and everything else
that makes you feel pretty.

when you’re done,
you ‘smile’ and
take selfies.

then you realize
how sad you truly are.
all your smiles
all your laughter,
your eyes,
display sadness.

you begin to wonder where
the happiness you had have gone,
but you have no idea.
you thought you were strong,
but anything someone said about you,
made you cry
and want to die inside.

you were strong
but after everything,
and everyone who left.
you got weak. // dec 12 2013

have you ever felt tired of yourself?
tired in the sense that
you just don't want to be you anymore
you don't want to be where you are
in your life anymore,
it's not that you want to die
or **** yourself.
you're just ******* tired of being you.
you want to know what it would feel like
to be someone else..
you want to know what it would seem like
to see yourself from someone else's
point of view.
but you can't just switch bodies with someone,
can you?
and if you could,
would you?
even though you're tired of being you,
wouldn't you be afraid of what you might discover
and uncover in that person's mind?
wouldn't you be scared to see their thoughts?
especially if it's someone you love,
or even someone you're in love with.
i may seem brave,
but i'm not.
i know i would be afraid,
but i know that
i'm ******* tired of being me.
it's ******* exhausting seeing the same person in the mirror every ******* day.
it's tiring having the same **** thoughts.
but if i was someone else,
it'd be different.
don't you think it would be cool,
if you could be a new person everyday?
it would be cool, i think,
but i think it would also be tiring.
because you wouldn't be stuck to one person,
you would just keep moving
and transporting
to different minds,
different bodies,
and different souls.
you wouldn't know who you are.
so no matter what,
i think you'd be tired.
so my question for you..
if you're tired of yourself,
and you had the chance to be someone else,

*would you take it?

Go ahead,
push me up against the wall
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear,
tell me all the things she wanted to hear.
Put your hands around my neck,
slam me down on our bed,
put me in the same position you put her.
Go ahead,
hurt me more than you already have.

I was never good enough for you, was I?
Don't even try to form a lie,
because if I was good enough,
you wouldn't have gone to her.
Or maybe the problem isn't me, it's you.
Maybe you just can't be satisfied?
Why are you getting so defensive?
Did I hit a nerve?
Oh, you're getting angry now,
but I fail to understand why.
If I could've contained my anger when I walked in
and saw you in our bed with her,
I'm sure you can contain yours.
I'm simply stating facts,
the truth hurts, doesn't it?

I've never wanted to hurt you,
but you've set out to hurt me.
I've forgiven you a million and one times,
yet you just slap me in the face afterwards.

How was she?
Was she good?
Was she better?
Was she worth it?

I hope she was,
because if she wasn't,
she just caused you to lose the one person who
was always there for you.
You've hurt me too many times now,
I'm done. //

           05.26.16
                 -          Poet
                             (db)

there are reasons
why we do the things we do.
there’s a reason
why you ignore me
when I try my hardest.
there’s a reason why
you chose to love someone else,
even when I love you so much.
there’s a reason why I play
your favorite song over and over
until I remember all the lyrics.

there’s a reason why I love you,
but you don’t love me.
there’s a reason why she plays you,
but I don’t.
there’s a reason why I may not
be the one for you.

there’s a reason for everything,
but we just don’t know it.

just like how –

there’s a reason for you in my life,
but I don’t see it until I lose you.

sometimes things are meant to happen,
and you wonder why,
but that’s just the reason.
if you want to die, don’t go hurting yourself,
just wait because eventually you will
and when you do, you would have done
something or made an impact on someone.

(and that would be your reason to live)

which is why you should stay
for that reason. // dec 29 2013

You kissed me
and I felt air exiting my body.
I was a chimney,
and you're the fire that caused the fumes.

I kissed you
and air reentered,
but it was different,
it wasn't mine.

Your lips touched mine,
and suddenly I was a deflated balloon
with all its air,
gone.

My lips touched yours,
and instantly I was inflated
with a different air,
with yours.

You kissed me,
and took the breath from my soul.

I kissed you,
and told you that I didn't want it back

because yours
makes me feel more -
whole. //

*written on April 07, 2017

"Who do you want to be?"
that's all everyone seems to ask me as i get older
but can't it be normal to not want to be anything special?
can't it be normal to want to be
alive? or
happy?
no? they all expect me to say i want to be a
lawyer
nurse
doctor
whatever it may be
but what if i say *"i don't know"
is that a crime?
because you make it seem like it is
but is it a crime to just want to be happy?
is it a crime to want to be able to live my life the way i want to?
i guess it is
i'm a fugitive then
because i don't know who i am
or who i want to be
i want to be happy
and since that is a crime
i'll continue to be a fugitive
i'll continue to be on the run
you can come and search for me, i don't care
i'm doing what i want to do
not your definition of what i should do.* //

we have been two completely different people
but we still manage to love each other
love each more than any of us could ever imagine
ever since you entered my life
my mornings have been better
the sun has shone brighter
the birds have sang louder
everyone and everything
seems to fall completely into place
i always knew i was a puzzle missing a puzzle piece
but i never knew where to look
i never thought to look in a coffee shop at 6 a.m. in the morning
but that's where i found you
that's where we met
and ever since we have been perfect..
i am convinced that you are a bit too much in love with coffee
but as long as you don't love it more than me
then it's healthy
because our love for each other is far from healthy
but we don't mind
and we obviously don't care..
i am not usually a morning person
but waking up each morning
seeing you in our kitchen,
having your cup of coffee
is refreshing
and instantly puts a smile on my face..
it's funny how something so simple
can mean so much to me
to us
i aim to wake before you
so i can be the one to make your coffee
so i can be the one to wrap my arms around you
so you know you're safe
until you open your eyes and see me
the one you love
the one who loves you
my mornings will never get any better than they already are
because my mornings waking up to you
is the best thing
i could ever
ask for. //

...there are many words to explain your love for someone
once you truly love them
but that's not true
i can never find the accurate placement
of 26 letters to explain my love for you
and that's because i truly love you
there are many aspects of you which are hard to explain
what i fall in love with
some might not like
and i don't care what people say
because their thoughts of who you are
is not who you are to me
and that won't change my love for you
because i am highly convinced that you -
are the one for me
and whether or not you might feel the same way about me
i know that one day
we will be the one for each other
i don't care if it will take months or even years
as long as i get to have you all to myself
i have absolutely nothing to complain about
because you're you
and you are the one for me
people can say what they want to say
but what does that have to do with me?
absolutely nothing
no one is me
and i am no one, but me
so how they feel,
will never change how i feel
people say the best and the worst things
that's just us
we're human, isn't that so?
so let's be human
just a different type from everyone else
because we won't allow
what people say to cause us to change ourselves
because we are who we are meant to be. //

he has become different
ever since you left
he stopped talking to everyone
he became isolated
and his only friend,
a glass of wine,
the only time he went out
was to buy more wine..
"leave me alone!" he often screamed at the top of his lungs
but no one knew who he was talking to
he was talking to - you
you might have left physically
but you were mentally in his life
because all that was on his mind was you..
everyone thought he was crazy;
he was, wasn't he?
he was crazy, for you
but now that you're gone
he has his glass of wine
to bring him back to the times you had together
he loves his glass of wine
because it brings him back to the past
just for a short while. //

it's been days since i've been able to write about you
whenever i tried -
i just couldn't..
i started to believe that maybe
that was your way of telling me to stop
to forget about you
but you should know
that i can't do that
because you're the only one
who makes me both happy and sad
and i love that you have the ability to do that
it hurts me sometimes
but at other times i love it
you're considering to leave, aren't you?
and that's why you want me to stop
stop writing about you
so that way i might lose my feelings for you
but its not that easy
don't you ******* get that?
i've tried my best to lose all feelings for you
but it's not that ******* easy
maybe you should put yourself
in my position
and then you'll understand
just how i feel
because it's quite obvious
that you don't have any idea whatsoever
of what i go through
and maybe you need to
maybe that will make you love me
love me like i love you
although that may seem impossible
because my love for you
can never be fully expressed or explained
can it?
but please don't leave
even if it's harder to stay
please, don't
leave. //