In ten years they’ll ask me how I’d ever come to love you


I’ll tell them that I can’t remember your name or whether your laughter was like thunder or rain -

but I’ll remember your eyes


Even now, centuries of stardust gazes back across the abyss to ask forgiveness once more.


It has been years since I have found unwanted galaxies painted on my skin.


Years since the supernova consumed all that was within its path when it died


You called me a black hole at the center of your universe and you the stars trapped in my gravity


In ten years I’ll say I was the comet that escaped your orbit


In ten years, I’ll say that Eons ago, two stars collided in an explosion of energy and matter 



The echoes of their passing still resonate in their surviving atoms

When all is said and done
Look how love has ruined us

What once was soft now turned to steel
I lost myself in the labyrinth of your actions
Unable to find sanctuary in the sanctity of my mind

"This is how you lose me"
I whisper to an empty room on lonely sheets
"This is how I leave you"
I observe in the wreckage of our antipathy

I cut my lips on the sharpness of your words
Stained my soul with the color of your rage
You pricked your finger on the thorns hiding within my heart
The garden once between my ribs now a barren wasteland

"This is how you lose me"
I sowed myself among seeds that never grew
"This is how I leave you"
I buried the heart I once offered to you

Look how love has ruined us
What once was kindling now turned to ash
Look how love has ruined us

Look

The truth was painful, so you buried it
Dug a hole into the earth six feet deep
Nestled it right beside your childhood
Threw some dirt upon its coffin and fashioned a crude cross out of bones and teeth

In death, Truth is just as ugly as it was in life
But you feel safe with it out of sight
You loosen the fist you weren’t aware you were making
You tend to the ****** red crescents from where they’re branded into your palm
You say a few words but what words are left when they’re buried below your feet?

You tell yourself it was a kindness
You swear to yourself that it was a means to an end
But there was no justice when you held its life in your hands
No mercy when you buried your fangs in it’s heart

You convince yourself that it was an act of love
“The truth is painful” and “the world is ugly”
Without the truth, you believe maybe there’s still some beauty in the world
Can convince yourself that the blood red rose on an unmarked grave is a sign you were right

Six feet under, Reality is weeping.

In this life time he loves me

And Icarus never laid eyes upon Apollo’s grace.

In this life time he loves me 

And Persephone eats from the pomegranate with a steady hand.

In this life time he loves me

And Achilles holds Patroclus without the knowledge of loss.

In this life time he loves me not 

And I ache for gods who do not ache for me.

“I want to be a good man”
He tells you with eyes like a summer storm
All roaring thunder and howling wind
“Help me be a good man”
And so you help him

You lead him to the well
You show him how to drink
And you think this is love
You think this is how it grows

“I want to be a good man”
He tells you with eyes like a summer storm
All shadowed intent and a flash of warning
“Help me be a good man”
But you don’t want to help him anymore

You lead him to the well
Try to leave as he forces you to stay
Watch as the blood washes from his hands
And you think this is love
This is how it wilts

“I want to be a good man”
He looks at you and his eyes are red
You’ve long since adjusted to their madness
“Help me be a good man”
But you won’t help him anymore

You lead him to the well
Push him in when his back is turned
Watch him drown as he reaches upwards  
And you think this is love
This is how it returns to you

under a gold sun you dream about the future
there's a road before you that continues after the horizon blurs it's path
you wonder if you made the right choice, if you were supposed to come this way
but you couldn't turn around if you wanted to
the paths you left behind wouldn't be there any more

there's a map that's meant only for you to fill
and you fill it with all it's dead ends and sharp turns and broken bridges
you wonder if there was an easier way as the unforgiving sun beats down upon you
you wonder if there was a path that was filled with trees and flowers

under an endless sky you find  your footing
there's a cracked earth beneath your feet but you see the weeds coming through
you begin to see their likeness in your self, your roots are deep and your will to live deeper
and so you grit your teeth and though your shoes are worn, you feel lighter in step

there's an ocean at the end of the road that's more beautiful than you'd ever seen
maybe it's blue and maybe it's not, but you bury your hands in the sand as the waves reach out to greet you, beckon you to follow
there's salt in the air and you know if you drink the water you'll drown
so you sit back and let your aching feet heal in the coolness of it's embrace

when you open your eyes it's to a gentle rain
in the distance there's a storm just off the horizon but the wind is carrying it far away
there's a desert behind you and a different kind of desert before you, but here you're safe
here you've found the end of the road that you'd begun years before
map gently folded beside you filled with anecdotes of the stories that led you here

there's a boat tie to the shore by a single pier with only a small sail and a life preserver to offer
but it whispers to you in your sleep that it's ready for adventure
you look to the stars and see the next map in it's constellations, the next course you need to take
but your feet have healed under the cool embrace of the maybe blue sea and there's hesitation in your heart as you feel the presence of that long distant storm past the waters before you

the next time you open your eyes it's maybe blue surrounding you
there's wind in your hair and a blank canvas before you
you look at the stars and remember that golden sun you looked at when dreaming of the future
with pen in  your hand, you dip your hand into that maybe blue and drink from the sea that saved you once
the rumble of the storm is distant but you know you'll be able to face it when it comes
you drink from the sea, but you do not drown

The first time I loved and lost
The wound bled so much I cauterized my own heart
Blended pain with pain and hoped maybe I would turn numb to it all
First loves always hurt the worst

The second time I loved and lost
The ridges of my scars scared me
Id run my fingers along their gruesome edges and realized that I would never be beautiful and unblemished again
Second loves leave the worst scars

The third time I loved and lost
I went to war
Hid those scars beneath armor, pierced my blade into my lover’s chest
Retreated into the dark abyss and told myself  that this was growth - I survived.
Third loves leave carnage behind

The fourth and final time I loved and lost
He handed me a flower from the garden
Ran his hands through my unruly curls
And called those ugly scars of mine art
In this story, I lost to a man who loved me first

My armor sat collecting dust for years, and even if it wasn’t my happily ever after, I learned to plant peace instead of war

Fourth loves leave only flowers

My mother once said that falling in love was like playing with fire
She didn’t say that the match was in one hand and kindling in the other
Nor that the pyre was set and the ropes were bound
As a child, I couldn’t understand that sometimes a witch set the fire herself

The first time I fell in love, I learned that sometimes we are desperate to swim but are doomed to drown
That when they offer water at the alter it will turn to sand in our mouths

I quickly learned that it’s not possible to live with a sea or desert surrounding you
That it’s not possible to thrive when they bind your feet and turn gardens to wastelands

What my mother had told me was a cautionary tale
That sometimes a witch would seal her fate if careless

What she never told me was that a witch born again from the ashes would never burn again
That a witch once drowned would walk on water in the next life
Nor that barren wastelands could turn fruitful with the seed of hope

My mother told me a cautionary tale of love returned turned brittle, but not of the strength of self love
That by loving herself, a witch would return anew and find happiness and a love returned grown strong

So we burn and drown and watch gardens waste away, and then

We rise, we swim, and we bloom

to the monster inside my head
i forgive you for those things you said
i was the one who hurt me most
i was the one who hurt me first

to the monster inside my head
why can't you be my friend instead
you've been with me since i was young
you'll be with me after i'm gone

to the monster inside my head
today's the day i'll find you dead
i'll lay some flowers upon your grave
and when you're silent i'll know i'm safe

to the monster inside my head
i've chosen to be happy instead
i'll love myself and i'll live well
i'll say goodbye and leave this hell

to the monster inside my head
may you find some peace instead

She didn't know how or why,
but lately there was a fire she couldn't quell
burning in depths of her mind.

It started as an ember , small and fragile -
a single breath, and the light goes out.

Somewhere along the way it has become much larger.
The blood in her veins boiling, the warmth in her eyes
no longer kindling.

She supposes all humans have a breaking point -
an edge, an abyss - one step too far and you'll fall into core of the earth.

Sometimes when the fury tries to swallow her whole, she stomps out the light.
Those times, her body turns to ash and her mind is a soot covered tomb - a graveyard of skeletal memories and charred dreams.

But sometimes, when she welcomes the burn, her body becomes a temple and the fire becomes a great beast -
a guardian that lashes at those who cause her harm and howls in worship at the inferno in her veins.

At night in the mirror, the beast will stare out at her with red eyes and a violent smile.

More and more often, she finds her self smiling back

Cross my heart and hope to die,
I loved you like that first sunrise
A soul to bind and heart to take
I prayed this time we would not break

I wished upon a star that night
Held hope close and your hand tight
And when I lay to close my eyes
It’s you I dream of again this time

Oh love, my love, please wish me well
Keep me in this gentle spell
And if this love is not meant to last
Then love me hard and leave me fast

i buried my fangs in your heart and tasted ash
i suppose even monsters had hearts once upon a time

we could have been beautiful

my claws carved maps into flesh
your hands tightened around my throat

we were wild beasts searching for paradise in the other's veins
curling up in the other's arms, biting at whomever dared draw us out

we could have been beautiful

daring the world to bare its throat so we too may be conquerors and myth
a story so breathtaking that even the moon dare not show her face

we could have been beautiful

fang for fang, claw for claw
you were the monster and i, the beast

instead we were madness.

Here's the thing
I loved him first
I really did - boldly, undoubtedly (fearfully)
I loved him with a piece of me I didn't know I had

Here's the other thing
Maybe he loved me back (he did)
Maybe he wasn't all sunset smiles and blue summer eyes
But maybe we could have been happy

But the truth is that we didn't-
We weren't-
We never will-

I have seen his face in a thousand sunsets
Met his eyes in a thousand skies
And while I've come to the realization of living  without him,
That old scar on my chest still bleeds (and bleeds and bleeds)

The thing about the unrequited
The thing about the unfulfilled
Is that it almost would have been better to have crashed and burned
Maybe I wouldn't miss him then

My mother has sewn silver linings into every sky
Hands weary with the weight of the world
And I realize I have always seen Atlas when I stare into her wisened eyes

Is it strength knowing only struggle?
Is it sorrow to be bone tired in a graveyard of all the butterflies you never set free?

How do we save the ones who never ask?
How do we save the ones who cannot save themselves?

I have watched every stitch across a starless night
Every regret and dark thought displayed before  me
Like a pool of shadows

Atlas spent eternity with the world chained to his shoulders
Sometimes I wonder if the forgotten gods come again in the hearts of the lost

In the stillness of your love, I write myself a gentle ending.

I didn’t believe in happily ever after, but now I don’t have to.

I believe in you, instead.

Summer-blue skies and a warm breeze, nostalgia heavy in the air with all my fondest memories of love and youth.

On the tip of my tongue is a promise of things to come, sweet and sour like ice cold lemonade.

One sip too many and it will taste like pain.

Beautiful, unyielding, clear night skies;
a night without a meteorite to wish upon or moonlight to guide the way.

Endless seas of unreachable stars and light, bittersweet and haunting.

The ache of your hand on my heart and the weight of yours in mine.

we were not fire and ash,

passion so raw we swallowed 
the sun.
we were not ruin and madness,

tear stained faces twisted 
into angry masks.
we were like summer rain -

peaceful and calm;

long days staying in bed 
just to trace constellations in your eyes
and I may not have watched the world burn to have you,

but that doesn’t mean I love you any less.

The stars are burning
Always burning

I sigh
Paradise on my lips
Heaven in your eyes

I dream of moonlight
And call it love

how is it possible to love the world so deeply
yet the hate the me who experiences it?

in the darkness of my mind i fall deeper and deeper
down into the shadows and then, once my feet hit the bottom,
i ricochet upwards, gasping for air

it's like a game to see how long i can stay under
and still return to the surface to breathe
a dangerous game of chicken that will have to end someday

i stare at the sun but cast my shadow as far back as possible
the higher i go, the less likely i'll survive the fall
the deeper i swim the less likely the sea in my mind will let me go