Forgive me father for I have sinned
I threw my soul away
I rejected the gifts given me
Because I didn't believe in happiness

He asked me if I loved him
I told him yes because
I liked the heat of his breath
I told him yes because
I thought that I'd be too happy if he left

She told me this was what love was
I nodded my head because
She smelled nice and
Made my headaches stop
I didn't know that
She'd make me question everything

I told myself that I wasn't depressed
My life became an Icon For Hire song
I was a happy girl that's what
My parents told the psychiatrist back
When I still showed them my sketch book

They told me that I had friends and
I thought that that's what the bottles were
They told me that it was okay
And I thought that's what I was
But we were all wrong

Finally I tried to stop the questions
The ones I couldn't answer
That all echoed in my head
So I tied some knots outside
To match the ones inside
And tried to say goodbye

I didn't believe in happiness
So I thought that I'd just die

Random dates.
Random times.
Useless words.
Stupid rhymes.

It's not cool being
less than you can be
so I urge you--
urge you--
to be happy.

Because there was a man
who was a clown
and he danced for the children
as they were being lead
to the gas chamber.
And it was 1943.
And it was
**** Controlled Germany.

The clown wept,
each time the lever
was pulled
and when the children
became silent.

To stop crying,
he told himself
that existence
is just random dates
and random times.
There was no meaning
in reason
and no order
in lines.

All he could do
was all he did know,
and that was to give
happiness
before they'd go.

Everyone sat
criss-cross-applesauce
in our hearts.
Perfume is made
with dead things, right?

I try hard to sound
important,
when I write *******
because
there are bodies
reading this *******.

And bodies grow and wither.
They thrive and survive.
They get married
and die alone.
They die.

To become dead.

Perfume is made
with dead things, right?

I miss you
But I can't miss you
If I miss you
You win
Or I lose
Or something
And I keep losing
I keep breaking
I'm tired
So very tired
I wish I could sleep
But insomniacs don't sleep
When they throw away their
Lullabies

The tears comfort me
Offering me sweet release from the numbness.
I feel whole.
Sadness and happiness blend into one
As the water runs over my face.

I'm thinking too much again
Every night it's the same.
Regrets, anxiety, fear, guilt
Never go away.
Each one a different voice in my head
Telling me they hate me.

But tonight there are tears.
And as they leave my body
So does some of the pain
And I feel whole again.

You always said you wanted
To be an aerospace engineer.
Someone who dedicates their whole life
To something so far away
Something they can never fully have.

I know how painful a life like that can be.
Because I'm already living it with you.

If he did not matter
And I did not care
Why does his voice echo in my head
On sleepless nights

Mornings cold, sheets unmade

If he loved me so
And I did not want him at all
Why can I still see his smile
Every time I look up at the clouds

Sun blinding, skin pale

If it was my choice
And his heartbreak, his loss
Why do I find myself
Writing these lines today

Clock ticking, time slowing

If I am unhappy
And he is long gone
I know for sure I'm stuck here
Regretting, longing

I thought I was the one
Who got away
But clearly,
He's the one who got away
With my heart.

You just shot me in the chest.

I grew up moon shining past glowing street lights
and I was invited to an underground ring by a man called Life.
I met him in the ring in the middle of the night;
I threw down my gloves for ill advised street fights.
He threw down grimaces, and spit disguised as tears.
Blood rushed through ringing ears,
Blood rushed into my head, suddenly hazy with fear
and then, suddenly, blood rushed out of punctured sides.
High on adulation, I brought boxing gloves, respectful nods, handshakes, and cheers.
Life brought me low with sucker punches, broken laws, and sharp rusty knives.

Shall I compare thee to a winters day?
Thou art more cold and more merciless.

I stare at my feet
As I walk through the crowded hall
And think about you

Tears ***** my eyes
As my feelings well over

I miss you so terribly
And so deeply
I want to tell you that joke I heard last period
Or what I'm doing this Saturday
Or what I had for breakfast

But you are gone
And with every footstep
I hear your name
Swirl by in the voices of others.

Leaving me to wonder,
How can I be so alone in a place so full of people?